Am I a terrible person? (Miscarriage related)

[Croquembou]

I'll put the TL;DR at the start: I've had a miscarriage and I don't feel that sad. I feel like an awful person for not feeling worse.

Long version: I started to miscarry naturally on Wednesday and had a medically managed miscarriage yesterday to get it done. By dates I was 11 weeks but baby had stopped growing around 6/7 weeks. I was fairly sure it was going to happen, all my symptoms had gone away and an early scan was measuring very small at dates that just didn't make sense. So I suppose I've known this was going to happen for about three weeks.

Of course I do feel sad and have had a couple of big cries but I don't feel that sad. I've read things about people burying the embryo, I just flushed it all away without looking. I don't want any kind of commemorative baby thing. And leaflets have things about how you'll never forget this baby but... I don't really feel like it was a baby just...a slightly dysfunctional bundle of cells that I wanted to be a baby? And I had lots of hopes and dreams for my baby and I daydreamed about it constantly but I know that I can put all those hopes and dreams on to the next baby so it's all ok...

I really just want to stop bleeding so that we can TTC again. The doctor looked horrified when I asked when we could try again and talked a lot about feeling emotionally ready. I feel emotionally ready now. But these thoughts are also making me feel like a horrible person.

Please just tell me I'm not awful?

I was devastated by my miscarriages, because I'd tried for ages, spent a lot of money on ivf getting pregnant. But I didn't Bury the embryos, or have memorial things for them. I wasn't sad for them tbh, I was sad for my loss of pregnancy. Several years and one healthy child on, I couldn't tell you dates, only approximate months of loss and not due dates at all.

There is no correct way to feel. It happened to you and this is how you feel and that's okay.

I had 3, the third was the worst because it would have been baby 4 and my reaction to the pregnancy was "oh fuck" (I had a 3 yo and 1 yo twins). Then I began getting used to the idea but I miscarried and felt horribly guilty I hadn't been happy to start with. The other 2 I was a little sad but never devastated.

I felt the same, no one has the right to tell you how you should feel or to shame you for feeling the way you do.

Yanbu, you feel how you feel.

I was deeply upset by my MMC and became depressed. A lot of that was due to being a perfectionist and blaming myself, plus being ill after the operation as well as grieving hopes and dreams.

My chemical pregnancy, i was just pissed off sore and concerned about carrying past even 12 weeks. I didn't grieve, i had a large glass of wine instead.

There is no right and wrong way, the only unreasonable thing to do is assume you or someone else is 'doing it wrong' for not reacting in a certain way.

Yanbu at all and I think it’s good to share and talk about. I felt exactly the same as you. I didn’t see my miscarriage as a ‘baby’ at 7 weeks. I totally accept some other people feel the loss differently but I do always feel like I’m some sort of heartless freak when i hear of people who are grieving for very early losses. I’m glad it’s not just me!

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks after 2 years of TTC. I did cry because I just wanted to be "normal" and have a child easily like every other brood mare in my family But I wasn't devastated.

I might have been if I'd known then that would be my only pregnancy.

So reassured by this post! I had a miscarriage 40+ years ago and just accepted it as one of those things. Of course I was sad but it was very soon forgotten.

Thank you all so much for generously sharing your experiences. If we are all heartless, at least we can be heartless in good company 😉♥️

Given myself a cracking hangover today from the champagne/painkiller/no drinking for 3 months combination so husband is dragging me kicking and screaming into the sunshine to walk it all off. Onwards!

I've had 5 miscarriages. 3 before having a successful pregnancy.

I could tell you everything about first loss (dates it all happened took a few weeks, EDD etc) but with each loss I guess I just got less invested and remember very little.

Mine were all early miscarriages (latest was 8 weeks)

I know people that have had to take weeks off work to recover from similar losses and it makes me feel almost guilty that I worked through all mine (didn't have to but its just the way it worked out for me. I was off for scans and appts though)

We went on to have recurrent miscarriage testing, 3 children and a few more losses.

Having successful pregnancies no doubt helped the healing process but I've never felt distraught - or even that effected - by any of my losses

I had a miscarriage 13 years ago and I have been over it for a long time. The actual miscarriage was really traumatic and I have residual emotional effects from that but I don't feel grief for the baby. I've had a child since then and I see him as my child; the lost pregnancy was never going to be my child so why mourn it?
It's not wrong to mourn a baby that wasn't born, if that comforts you, but it's also not wrong not to. It would benefit me nothing to project a personality, a sex, a name etc onto an 18 week foetus that stopped developing.