MIL do's & don'ts

[YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus]

I'm not one yet, but no doubt one day in the not so distant future I will be. All the MIL from hell threads I've seen on MN set me thinking... out if interest, what, to you, makes a good MIL and what do you find really offensive and obnoxious?

Eh? Surely you just treat the in law like a human - just be considerate and don't assume.

Accept that you are both different people with different outlooks on life and maintain a civil relationship. Choose your battles. Also never ever ever slag each other off to the son/husband involved. Accept its not a competition. Don't take everything too personally.

MIL and I keep our distance but remain polite and civil. That's what works best for us. I don't agree with her a lot of the time. But she's DH's mum at the end of the day.

Yeah agree with the slagging off part, it always come out and it's never forgotten. For some reason MIL is always quick to blame me, despite me always doing lovely things for her.

DH one time after we'd argued had a random call from his mum and he for the first time vented to her (we never tell parents or anyone about our arguments) and she said a lot of nasty stuff about me back to him, which surprised him. That ruined my relationship with her forever, I can't look at her the same again as I know what she really thinks.

It's just like treating someone as part of your family, you may or may not get along at points but your son or daughter has chosen that person to be with and I think you have to bare that in mind before you say or do things.

Don't take sides in arguments if your child vents to you. Give advice if it's asked for, but never criticise the partner. Your child venting is just their release valve and 5 minutes later they have forgotten it.

Don't announce that the DS and DIL are expecting in your hairdressers before they have announced it themselves. My monster in law done it twice then decided to tell everyone at her other granddaughters birthday party that I was expecting baby no3 and then made out I was trying to hide no3, I hadn't even had a scan. Just keep your nose out of their business. And never call to the house unannounced. My last partners mother was a gem, just a really nice person who couldn't do enough for anyone, plus she was a chef so was always making me food, it's a pity I can't swap them haha

My mother in law is amazing, I honestly love her like a mother. I’m no contact with my own mother and have massive massive respect for my MIL for what she does for all of us and how she is with her children. She’s a proper mum if you know what I mean. She’s always been fair.

Don’t treat your DIL as though she is competing for your son and stealing him away from you.

Don't be a dick
Hope your child doesn't partner up with a dick
Jobs a good'un

My MIL is a Daily Mail believing Brexity type but I gloss over all of that because she's not, fundamentally, a dick. So we get on fine.

Unfortunately it takes two to make the relationship, I hope your children pick reasonable partners, so you can be equally reasonable in return. Make sure your own life is fulfilling and as happy as possible so you’re not using them to fill in the gaps.

My DIL is lovely. She makes my DS happy which makes me happy. She is a wonderful mother too. I provide regular child care but I always ask my DS and DDIL before I do anything new with DGC.

I treat her with love and respect and always remember that she and DGC come first with DS and that’s how it should be.

Don’t expect your dil to fulfill your sons family obligations.

I have the best MIL on the planet. She treats me like an independent woman in my own right, loves how much I love her son, respects my home and opinions, is a great laugh, gives fantastic hugs, is sincere, gives great advice and always, always is up for a glass of wine!

Remember your DIL or SIL are independent adults who are in a relationship with your child. Try to get to know them as an individual, their job, their interests, like you would a new close colleague or newcomer to your friendship group. Be friendly and supportive, but don’t expect to become best friends or another mum. That might happen if you have loads in common but if it doesn’t, it’s not a rejection, they have their own friends and mum they probably struggle to see as much as they’d like.
If they have a baby don’t expect to suddenly see lots more of them and be closer than you were before, they will be busier and more knackered , than ever before, so if you expect to go from monthly Sunday lunches to camping out at their house for hours at a time twice a week, it might cause friction.
Remember you are not an authority figure to them.
Don’t see them doing things differently to you as rejection or criticism of you; fads and fashions change as does best practice based to more recent research.
Try really hard never to resort to guilt tripping and emotional blackmail. Enjoy your time with them. If you are relaxed and enjoying yourself, they are likely to feel the same, and seeing you will be a pleasure. Guilt visits are generally not a pleasure.

Don’t appoint yourself as a child-rearing expert just because you once had babies. Understand that there are many ways to raise healthy children and just because your DIL’s ideas are different to yours, it doesn’t make her wrong or naive. If she’s ‘making a rod for her own back’ that’s her choice, and keep shtoom!

The biggest thing that has ruined my relationship with MIL is her firm belief that she raised her kids according to some ideal rule book, and she’s never missed an opportunity to point out to DH that what we’re doing is all wrong. She did four-hour rigid bottle feeds, cry it out from a a few weeks, leaving the baby in the garden to cry while she did housework, early weaning, early potty training, etc. etc. I breastfed, co-slept, responded to toddlers in the night, weaned at six months, potty trained over two- all decried regularly and loudly as wrong.

I was in my 30s when DC were born and perfectly capable. There’s no other way to interpret it other than profound disrespect.

Most people I know get on okay with their MILs. I think it helps that most MILs these days still work and have their own busy lives. Where it seems to go wrong is where MIL is very invested in being THE mother and tries to extend that over her adult children’s families. It’s a tug-of-war over territory.
I’m always amazed at the minority of women who are hostile to their sons’ girlfriends - fiancées - wives and then expect to do a volte face once a pregnancy is announced and be all over their DIL to secure close access to pregnancy information, the delivery room, and their newborn grandchild. As if their DIL isn’t going to twig.
Given relationships often deteriorate after the birth of the first grandchild, I think it’s a good idea to make sure you have established a good relationship and trust long before.

Just be a decent human being. I'm not keen on my eldest son's partner as she's not good for his precarious mental health. However, she's who he has chosen so I welcome her into the family and treat her well.

Don’t say nasty things about her behind her back. If she tries to make conversation with you, make the effort to be friendly. Don’t get snarky if she gives up trying to be friendly and sticks to talking to your DH instead. Don’t ask your DS how often he argues with her. Don’t demand to know why your DS doesn’t move closer (and then assume it’s all her fault that your DS quite likes living where he does). Don’t treat her like she’s ‘less than’ the dil who gave you grandchildren. Don’t go on about how lucky you are to have other dil in your family while glaring at her (Oh yes, I’m looking at you MIL).

Instead, be friendly. Show interest in her life but not in forensic detail. If something lovely or awful happens in her life, acknowledge it appropriately. Accept that your DS is not perfect and is occasionally capable of being a bit of an arse. Be nice about her to other family members. Include her as one of your family (like my lovely, lovely step mil has done).

My MIL was wonderful. She and my FIL welcomed me as family from day 1, and never, ever interfered. They just loved us and let us be us. They adored their grandkids, spoiled them of course, but within sensible limits, and always had time for them.

They lived 150 miles away, but never nagged us to visit, though loved it when we did - Which is probably why we visited them regularly and enthusiastically.

I think it's hard being the MIL of a DIL. Mine once said to me "if you and P ever split up, you would let us still see the DCs wouldn't you?"
Of course it would never have entered my head, but of course I would. I think she'd heard of a friend who no longer got to see her DCs, and it scared her. Grandparents on the father's side must feel quite vulnerable if they love their grandkids.

One simple rule would cover most of the issues. Don’t treat SIL/DIL like your children. They aren’t your child and, while your biological child will likely tolerate unpleasant behaviour out of love for you the person they marry won’t feel the same way. Treat them like other adults and you’ll be fine (unless you’re an arsehole I. Which case there was never any Hope was there?)

My MIL is an angel on earth so I'll list some of the reasons why she's so wonderful:

1. She really made me feel welcome and loved from the outset

1. She doesn't overstep boundaries (e.g. she calls before coming over etc.)

1. She celebrates in my successes as though I were her daughter

1. She's generous (with her time, home, warmth, etc)

1. She's interested in me as a person and not just as her son's wife

1. She's thoughtful

I particularly dislike being called by my husbands ex wife’s name. Especially where my baby is concerned.

I also really begrudge my MIL rating her DIL’s based on their net wealth and comparing us. My SIL’s are all really nice, the competitiveness only exists for MIL and is really annoying.

What tree said.
It's not a competition.
Just because you think or treat your grown up son like a literal useless baby, never assume the partner is also going to be told off, told what to do and patronised.

Be seen to be fair and have no favourites amongst both children and grand children.

Be friendly, make conversation even if you have nothing beyond a man in common.

My MiL almost never speaks to me and gives one word answers to questions. Then sneaks DH off into the kitchen for a wonderful chat with laughter and joy. If I walk in to join the fun silence falls and I get the evil eye.
DH sees it now so kitchen chats have mostly stopped and now she barely talks to either of us.

Don’t take too much notice of the threads on here. My take on them is that there’s always two sides to a story and we only get one.

Just be a nice person. It usually helps in life and with any relationship.