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Original poster

MIL do's & don'ts

35 replies

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 12/09/2019 19:51

I'm not one yet, but no doubt one day in the not so distant future I will be. All the MIL from hell threads I've seen on MN set me thinking... out if interest, what, to you, makes a good MIL and what do you find really offensive and obnoxious?

OP posts:
marblesgoing · 13/09/2019 17:25

Love my mil.

Non opinionated. Very dry humoured like myself and has in the past not been afraid to pull her son up on something in front of me when we have both expressed the same opinion in something.

She treats her grandchildren impeccably well and has been there for us as a family whenever we have needed help or support.

The only downside is she sometimes forgets boundaries and will let herself into our home and just appear rather than check we are available first.
My mum also does this resulting in them both being asked to not do it and to only use the keys given when they have the dc not to use our home as a stop off for coffee when we aren't even in Confused

Other than that she's awesome.

Have a young adult ds and I love his gf.
I have made time to get to know her and her us. She's invited to family get together and although we do t see her as much as they've moved out together now we message lots and share memes and jokes all the time.

I don't judge and am open minded with her like my mil has always been with me. It's really important to have a good relationship and a mutual respect.
My mil and myself both adore the same man and my sons gf and myself also adore the same man

It works both ways

BlueEyedBengal · 13/09/2019 17:30

I'm going to be one in April. I'm being very neutral and diplomatic but I have had a twisty feeling sometimes because she can say a put down when my eldest is out of the room and also she has done that to my 8 yr old and upset him also when my eldest is out of earshot. So far I have not reacted as perhaps she wants me to but what do I do? Do I carry on biting my lip or confront it by saying something it's so difficult knowing how to deal with inappropriate behaviour as I never go out to be confrontational with people she just sits in my chair texting on her phone I end up with that stupid feeling you get when you talk to someone you just know doesn't what to talk, only when my eldest is in the room how to be nice with out been to nice.

CharminglyGawky · 13/09/2019 17:39

Don't make snide comments.

Don't act like every parenting decision you DIL makes that is slightly different from what you did is a personal attack. And in a similar vein if your DIL does not want to leave her 2 week old baby with you and go out for the evening don't for the love of god push and push and push making out that she is overprotective and unreasonable and make it a main talking point of every visit for months. It may make your DIL feel like you will struggle with boundaries and make her much less inclined to actually agree to said babysitting, ever. DS is 2 now and I still get comments Hmm

To be fair it's pretty easy, just be nice to her!

Teddybear45 · 13/09/2019 17:45

I agree that you shouldn’t treat or expect them to behave like your child. Treat them politely and cordially but reserve your love /affection / i expectations / inheritance for your child or grandchildren

georgialondon · 13/09/2019 17:49

Don't look at your newborn grandson and proclaim "too little too late". Angry

saraclara · 13/09/2019 18:02

reserve your love /affection / i expectations / inheritance for your child or grandchildren

Seriously? I'm glad my MIL didn't reserve her love just for her child and grandchildren.
Even when her Alzheimers had taken full hold, when I came to visit her in her care home, her face would light up with joy. She didn't know who I was, but she knew she loved me. And until she lost all her language she would still tell me so.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/09/2019 08:29

Tell her that if there's something you disagree on, to talk to you about it so you can resolve it.

Don't overdo the advice and -don't- think that you have more rights in the baby than she does.

Respect boundaries and never ever bitch about her.

A good MIL can honestly make a marriage so much easier.

Hope that you get a good-hearted DIL! takes two to make a relationship.

PEkithelp · 14/09/2019 08:40

Some good guides are

  • notice your feelings and find safe confidential places for them. Read up on the ladder of inference (e.g if you feel like you’re losing your child etc... fairly normal feelings but very bad to act like they are fact!).
  • Follow the parents lead and ask if not sure. Respect their answers!
  • accept that it’s pretty normal for mums to feel very protective of their little ones. Recognise that your relationship with your grandchildren is limited to the quality of relationship with your son/daughter in law and try to build trust by respecting their fears even if they you don’t understand them.

-Tell them when they are doing something well.

  • apologise if you make a mistake and genuinely try to learn from it.

Most of these apply the other way around as well.

bruffin · 14/09/2019 08:41

Wgat about dos and donts for DILs as well.

SalitaeDiscesa · 14/09/2019 09:08

What@TreeSunset said.
Also:

  1. Don't make faces as though you're being poisoned when offered home-cooked food.
  2. When your DIL sends you a photo of the baby, say she's beautiful, no matter what you really think (not, for example, 'it's very hard to tell').
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