Struggling with life

[Strugglingatm]

Feel free to move this to another forum if preferred.

I am a guy, late 30s, suffer badly with anxiety, for which I take medication and have had counselling, but without success. I had counselling for roughly 18 months, and the counsellor effectively said I was scared to grow up (which is probably true).

I am not working atm, I worked for many years but left a job as my anxiety was bad, and since then have been temping (but unable to hold a job down). I have keep ringing and phoning recruitment agencies but they often never return calls and I am starting to think alot of the jobs don’t exist.

I have my own place, but cannot face up to the responsibilities of living there, so end up back at my parents.

I am decent looking, intelligent, kind, and people do like me, although my anxiety has stretched alot of my friendships in the past.

I have never had a girlfriend in my life and feel hopeless at the moment.

I dont want more counselling as it does not seem to help.

Any advice would be welcome, but i feel overwhelmed atm :(

Don’t bother with counselling. Get some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy through (IAPT - google to register with your local service).
You could also consider asking your GP for medication such as propranolol.
The relevant books in the “Overcoming...” series (available on Amazon) might be helpful.
General advice - accept that you are an anxious person - lots of people are - and live the life you want to lead anyhow, as far as you can. Work our what you enjoy and what’s important to you and go for it.

P.S. stop avoiding things that make you anxious. Move back to your own place, get some sort of job. If you want to date, then tell the other person you are feeling anxious and that it’s going to take a while to feel relaxed with them (some will run a mile, some will want to “help”, some will see it as a challenge, some will feel the same). Keep asking yourself “What’s the worst that can happen? The best? The most likely?” Consider keeping a log of all your worries together with how many actually came true and consult it regularly.

Thanks for your advice. I need to bite the bullet, but it is very hard at the moment as I feel down on myself and lost. Hopefully if things start to click into place it may snowball. I need to start applying for jobs to begin with, temporary work dosent seem like the answer. Thanks.

*doesn’t

It sounds like you might be feeling depressed at the moment as well?
What might help with this:

1. Regular (preferably daily) cardiovascular exercise
2. Scheduling sone pleasurable things and things that give you a sense of achievement into your week and then doing them regardless of how you are feeling.
3. Catching any negative thoughts you are having, writing them down and thinking about whether there are more realistic and/or helpful alternatives.

It’s probably best to work on your mood before tacking the anxiety.

P.s. it’s really really common to feel like this. It does tend to get easier as you get older (not that this will help you at the moment) as you just tend to think “Fuck it” and please yourself more rather than doing what’s expected/conventional.

What brings you joy?

Things that have worked for me in the past are practicing meditation (with an app) and also Paul McKenna's book/hypnosis cd I can make you confident hth

Tbh very little atm. I am quite depressed, today I have been ringing around recruitment agencies without success, went to weather spoons and went to bed for a bit this afternoon :(
Generally I like, football, my nephew, reading, seeing friends but feel low about myself so lie sometimes :(
Can't think of much else right now.

Thanks HRH. I have meditated a little before and found it useful.

Do you think a hobby would help you?

Something that isn’t set in stone so you don’t pressurise yourself by having to go if you don’t want to that particular day.

You would make friends, possibly a girlfriend or meet girls through your new friends.

The hobby could be relaxing or stimulating depending on your preference.

Maybe an outdoor hobby such as photography so that you’re out in the fresh air weather permitting.

Or volunteering?

Yes the Headspace meditation app can be helpful.

Start doing the football, seeing friends and your nephew again if you have stopped. Start exercising if you don’t.

Are you on an antidepressant? Some people find Sertraline helpful for both depression and anxiety.

Does going to bed in the day make you feel better or worse? What about going for a walk when you feel like that instead?

Thanks Soola. I would like to speak French so maybe that could be an idea, but atm I just want to get myself back doing something.

I take 100mg sertraline a day for about two months now.

Can exercise make that big of a difference?

My diet is rubbish as well, too many fizzy drinks.and chocolate, so need to look at that as well, but when I feel low, I go to them as a treat or pickmeup.

Feel worse I guess ultimately but in the moment it is comforting.

Hi Struggling, mmm, I'm not sure if the counsellor hinting that you were scared to grow up is helpful. up eg.having a job and your own place to live. Is having your own place what you want? I think being grown up means trying to take care of yourself where possible, and also other people but you can this just as well living with your parents!

You sound like a lovely young man, your nephew is lucky. Have you ever considered some voluntary work just to get you out there doing something rewarding. This might build up your confidence a bit.

I wonder if you know of any particular things that cause you anxiety, if so, perhaps some sort of psychotherapy might help. Worries/anxieties exist in our heads to try and help us sort out problems and look after ourselves, unfortunately they do have a habit of easily getting out of hand and therapy might help you manage them.

I have just seen your post re the fizzy drinks/choc and yes you are right, too much is definately not helping you. Perhaps aim to cut out a bit each day eg start with half glass of fizzy if you can't manage it all at once. And yes to excercise, even doing an excercise bike or some dancing at home to music if you can't face going out just yet, just pick whatever you enjoy.

Apologies for jumbled first paragraph, I tried to delete something but the words got a bit messed up.

Thats ok. Thanks for your reply.

I want my independence for my confidence that I can do it but it does scare me and feels overwhelming. This means, i take the easy option of my parents :(

I feel like such a loser tbh! But will take on board some of the tips given.

You are not a loser. Life's loser are the selfish nasty people out there. You don't sound like one of them. Cut yourself some slack on this and take some (cliche coming..) small steps each day wherever possible.

Also like another poster said, recognise you may be an anxious person but when you get it under control you will be ok.

done it again, life's losers, it should read!

Well done for reaching out! It can be such h s hard thing to talk about. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for years, longer than I want to admit to. Maybe a medication review may be needed? Sertraline often needs increasing and even though it can take time for meds to work if you're struggling after a couple of months a review might lead to an increase or a more suitable medication.
A hobby is a great idea, there are loads of online courses that could help find an interest, also duolingo for French would be great, I'm using it to learn swedish Haha.
Mindfulness helps me get through particularly difficult times, and the use of grounding techniques.
Try and get back into your house, and use your friends as a support.
Sometimes though, it's ok to not be ok, so long as you keep talking about it and dont bottle it away.
Please feel free to send me a message if you wish xx

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/exercise-for-depression/

I'm sorry to hear you feel so low. If your anxiety was bad enough to make you quit your job, you need to deal with that before you get another one.

What makes you happy? You could try volunteering at an animal shelter, which involves less social interaction but you're still interacting, if you know what I mean? And you can add that as experience so you're not just sitting at home doing anything and making yourself more depressed.

Thanks, be thankful for your advice, and yes, if i feel the need i may send you a PM.

Thanks Egghead for the link.

Flamingcandle, tbh I am ok with people. If i told people how i feel they would be shocked as sometimes i probably come off quite confident, talk well etc.....sometimes i am sweaty and nervous though!!

I have had anxiety for about 20 years since my teens, in various ways, and it feels almost addictive. Not in a good way but I do not know life without anxiety, and its almost scary to be free of it, if thats makes sense.

With work I have been particularly struggling lately, with temporary roles, the handover has not been great, and in one case the boss was soon on my back (making anxiety worse). It makes me doubt my own ability as well. I would rather be working though. I have been off work this week, since my last assignment ended and I hate it, feel so aimless everyday.

I do not think anymore therapy will make a huge difference, but will speak to my gp re medication. But getting it under control I do not know how, but I can take on board some of the advice given above.

Are you parents encouraging you to do more?
Are you wearing things you like that reflect your personality?
Are you able to say hi to women, chat, & sometimes ask them out?
As previous posters have said,
more exercise, better diet, & more fun could help a lot.

Yes they want me to do more with my life and upsets my mum especially that I am not.

I dress smart-ish, and am happy with how I dress.

I can talk with women, but get nervous tbh, all part of the bigger anxiety. I am not unconfident though, although cannot imagine a woman loving me tbh.