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Original poster

Please tell me lots of nice things about larger age gaps

35 replies

SuperStingray · 10/09/2019 20:37

Feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment, and need cheering up.

My DD is 3. I had always planned an age gap of around 3 years. However, earlier this year I had a MMC which wasn't found until the 12 week scan. I had an ERPC a few days later. It took quite a long time to stop bleeding and then get my first period, and since then my cycle has been pretty erratic. I've always had long, irregular cycles but it wasn't a problem getting pregnant with my DD and the pregnancy that ended in MC because I knew my body really well and could tell when I was ovulating. But now it seems to be completely different - all the things I previously used to recognise ovulation just aren't the same. This is compounded by the fact I always get bad UTIs if I have too much sex, so I feel like I have to go for carefully timed sex rather than just lots of sex. All this means I am struggling to get pregnant again.

I'm 30 so I feel like time is on my side and we still have a real good chance of conceiving eventually, but our age gap is now going to be at least 4 years, probably more. I just keep worrying if we manage number two they won't ever want to play together or have anything in common. Everyone I know seems to have smallish age gaps. So please can I hear lots of positive things about bigger age gaps, just to cheer me up a bit.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/09/2019 20:40

4 years isn’t a big age gap!!
Imo I’d say anything over 5 years is.
For what it’s worth me and my sister are 5 years apart and were/ are extremely close. My niece and nephew are 2.5 years apart are very different and like different things.

RebornFlame · 10/09/2019 20:41

It’s grest. I couldn’t have had two pre schoolers at home. I can enjoy time with the little one whilst big ones at school and cice versa at bedtime. It’s a joy!

RebornFlame · 10/09/2019 20:41

5 ur age gap BTW!

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Families
mnahmnah · 10/09/2019 20:44

My DS’ are 5 years apart. They adore each other. Play really well with each other most of the time. They’re both livewires and happily run round like loons together (7 and 2 years old). But the eldest really likes looking after the youngest, very proud of showing off his little brother. When youngest was born, eldest happily helped me and took care of himself while I dealt with the usual newborn stresses. Also, mat leave was lovely with just DS2, as DS1 was at school. It was nice to do the school run for those months too. I’m really happy with the gap. Never planned it that way but we like it.

FlatterNow · 10/09/2019 20:46

So sorry for your loss, OP. I have six years between my two (also due to loss) and they get on really well most of the time - they bicker in the same way that all siblings do but the little one thinks the older one is amazing and he loves helping her out and teaching her things.

wendz86 · 10/09/2019 20:46

I have a 4 year age gap and was great because my eldest started school when youngest was a baby and i got to spend lots of one on one time with the little one.
Eldest understood when i needed to feed etc and could go to the toilet herself and get things for me.
They do often play together nicely (although do argue as most siblings do i imagine).

yummychocolate · 10/09/2019 20:49

I know it's easier said than done but please don't put pressure on yourself. I know people who have siblings close in age and they don't get along.

I have a 6yr old ds and an 8 month old ds. This age gap works well too. Both love playing and being with one another. It has been lovely to watch their sibling relationship grow. They get so excited to see each other in the mornings and after school. I get time with the youngest when the oldest is at school and now we are in a routine I can spend time with the oldest as the baby goes bed earlier.

Farrowandbrawl · 10/09/2019 20:50

I’m sorry for your loss xxxx
From what I’ve seen from friends/ school mums 4 years is a lovely age gap. Older one has quality time with you , you have time with baby where older one can be left to own devices for a bit and you won’t have them both at a levels / gcse at the same time.

Valkarie · 10/09/2019 20:55

If you have to pay for childcare then not having 2 in nursery / preschool at once helps financially. I have a large age gap between me and my sister and we got on great as kids. I think I was like a live doll to get. My niece is 7+ years older than her younger siblings and she is brilliant with them, built does go and hide when they get too demanding.

mindutopia · 10/09/2019 21:02

I had a 5 year age gap, very intentionally planned like that, though I did have a MMC just before I got pregnant with #2. It’s great.

I got all those years one on one with my eldest. Then she was starting school so I had lots of one on one time with #2 without having to cart a toddler along to everything. It also meant my mat leave corresponded to the start of school so I was home her whole reception year, which was lovely. They have a wonderful relationship and she’s very protective of him. She can play and entertain him while I get things done around the house. Also we didn’t go bankrupt having to pay for 2 in childcare and had a bit of a break before we had to pay for nursery again.

I also had time to get ahead in my career in the intervening years and came back from mat leave #2 to a promotion and significantly higher salary. We also had time to sleep and feel like ourselves again before the chaos of another small baby.

No downsides to it at all really. I was 37 when #2 was born and the timing couldn’t have been better.

deste · 10/09/2019 21:30

8.5 years between my two and it was perfect. My son idolised his sibling.

hopefulhalf · 11/09/2019 05:46

There is a fair big of evidence that 4+ years is a more "natural" gap than the smaller gaps we are all used to in the industrialized world. My friend did this while I had a 2.5y gap and tbh I was quite jealous.

Original poster
SuperStingray · 11/09/2019 08:27

Thanks everyone - that's reassuring to hear. I know 4 years isn't that massive but I guess when I was pregnant before I found out about the MMC you plan a picture in your head of how it is going to be, and it's hard to accept it's going to be different. But from what you've all said hopefully it will be different but still lovely! I think as well pretty much all my friends have small age gaps, so I feel like the odd one out. Do you find it alright to plan days out that both older and younger siblings enjoy?

OP posts:
Nonmerci · 11/09/2019 09:22

I don’t think four years is a big age gap at all, I thought you were going to say there was a 10+ age gap before I read the post!

My eldest was eight and a half when my youngest was born and he absolutely dotes on him, they truly have a wonderful bond.

Nonmerci · 11/09/2019 09:24

Days out wise, my youngest is only a baby atm so he just plods along with any activity I have planned for other DC, even the cinema. I think I got lucky though because baby DS is very laid back and doesn’t cry much.

I’m sorry for your loss. I had two missed miscarriages before my baby was born so I completely understand the pain Flowers.

RezCowgirl · 11/09/2019 09:30

My brother and sister are 8 and 11 years older than me and whilst I was growing up, it was the best thing in the world having older siblings who looked after me.

baldbaby · 11/09/2019 09:45

I have four years between my two. They are best friends and partners in crime. From the time that DS2 could sit up they have played together. As far as DS2 is concerned,, DS1 is the funniest person on the planet.

They are 10 and 6 now. So far the age gap has been good. I think some families find with a slightly bigger age gap that the DC want to do different activities during weekends and holidays, but with out two, their contrasting personalities mean that this has often been the case anyway.

I hope that you have a happy and healthy pregnancy, and a lovely new baby very soon.

hairyturkey · 11/09/2019 10:08

Sorry for your loss. I planned a 3 year gap and it worked out, but I wish we had either left it longer or not as long. 3 yr old couldn't walk far without buggy, still going in all directions, and used to being the only child without the emotional capacity to understand the situation.

Now at 5 dc asks for a new Baby all the time.

from123toabc · 11/09/2019 10:14

We are looking at TTC next year DC is 10 so we will have a huge age gap( at least 11 years but more likely 12). I'm hoping this is lovely as each child will have experienced lots of one on one and hopefully they will just adore each other. Time will tell though.

Taggle · 11/09/2019 10:38

I have an 11 year gap due to secondary infertility. It's been amazing, honestly I can't believe how well it has in fact worked out.

As a PP said, bigger gaps are actually more normal than you think, though it doesn't seem that way if you're surrounded by families of two under two, as I was. The trend here is very much have them quickly to ease the childcare burden. I have to say though, I'm now a complete convert to having one in school or nursery before having the second - you get to do all the lovely baby groups twice, for a start!

Verite1 · 11/09/2019 11:43

My Dc are 6 years apart and it works fantastically. They adore each other and have a wonderful relationship. My DS is old enough to help out a little bit which makes things easier. The only thing that is slightly harder is finding activities that they both want to do at same time, but it just takes a bit more thought and imagination. We usually manage it!

Wrongdissection · 11/09/2019 11:46

There is a six and a half year age gap between my two and it’s great. When DS was a baby DD was at school so meant I could still sleep when the baby slept and we had plenty of one on one time together. Now they’re older they get on really well, even at 9 & 16 as they are now. And I have a built in babysitter. Can’t imagine doing it any other way. I’d have passed away from sheer exhaustion if they were both at home all day when DS was little!

Wrongdissection · 11/09/2019 11:48

Also. They were more affordable. I wasn’t paying two sets of childminding fees at the same time and things like big school trips (skiiing etc) didn’t come within a year or two of each other so budgets could be juggled more adequately. Embrace the age gap, I know it’s not what you’d planned but this way is great too ☺️

JacquesHammer · 11/09/2019 11:56

I've only got one child, however I'm the eldest of a set of siblings that has a 4 year gap and we have always been incredibly close, both as children - throughout the teen years and now as adults.

Age gap doesn't define a relationship.

GinNotGym19 · 11/09/2019 13:02

Nearly a 6 year age gap between mine. It’s really good actually!
Positives -
No jealousy, they play really nicely. The eldest doesn’t mind sharing her toys or letting him have stuff. 7 year old is very kind to him and adores him!
Able to leave them in a room alone to do dinner etc without them killing each other.
7yo helps 1 year old, she likes helping with his shoes, holding his hand, open his drinks.
More affordable, only 1 in nappies, no double child care fees, only paying for 1 set of uniform at the moment.
It’s definitely easier having 1 independent child with a baby around. It’s easier getting out the house as 7 year old can get herself dressed, do her own teeth, put her own plates/rubbish away. I don’t think I’d ever be anywhere on time if I had 2 toddlers

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