Please tell me lots of nice things about larger age gaps

[SuperStingray]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment, and need cheering up.

My DD is 3. I had always planned an age gap of around 3 years. However, earlier this year I had a MMC which wasn't found until the 12 week scan. I had an ERPC a few days later. It took quite a long time to stop bleeding and then get my first period, and since then my cycle has been pretty erratic. I've always had long, irregular cycles but it wasn't a problem getting pregnant with my DD and the pregnancy that ended in MC because I knew my body really well and could tell when I was ovulating. But now it seems to be completely different - all the things I previously used to recognise ovulation just aren't the same. This is compounded by the fact I always get bad UTIs if I have too much sex, so I feel like I have to go for carefully timed sex rather than just lots of sex. All this means I am struggling to get pregnant again.

I'm 30 so I feel like time is on my side and we still have a real good chance of conceiving eventually, but our age gap is now going to be at least 4 years, probably more. I just keep worrying if we manage number two they won't ever want to play together or have anything in common. Everyone I know seems to have smallish age gaps. So please can I hear lots of positive things about bigger age gaps, just to cheer me up a bit.

We have a 5yr gap between our 2 boys. It was intentional, and I wouldn't have it any other way. DS2 adores DS1, and they do play together really nicely. DS1 is great with his little brother, he teaches him things, he reads to him, they have a fantastic relationship. DS1 is 9 now and DS2 is 4. Honestly, don't worry about it. I'm very sorry for your loss xx

I'm 10 years older than my brother and I love him so much I could die!

There's 5 years between my dc1 and dc2 and they have a very easy relationship because the age difference is too big to squabble and bicker. Dc1 openly tells dc3 she loves him and spoils him rather but also happily babysits after school. He allows her to enjoy "younger" things under guise of doing them under sufferance for dc3...

It is a different relationship to Dc1 and dc2 who are very close in age and were a unit until dc1 hit double figures, absolutely. They aren't quite on the same level. Even with a 2 year gap though when the first hits puberty they might as well be a decade apart, especially if you have girl/ boy which makes the gap seem bigger if the girl is a young teen deep into puberty and the boy a pre teen and mostly very much a child... The "same interests" benefits of a small age gap make the pre and infant school years easier but only last a few years.

Sorry 5 years between Dc1 and dc3 - for some reason dc3 autocorrects to dc2 - I must post about dc2 more

Agree that 4 years isn’t big, don’t worry OP Mine are 4 years apart and now I sit and think about it so are pretty much all of my friends’ kids who are a similar age (grown up children). I think it’s only more recently that I’ve seen people having them close together.

I have a 4 year age gap. I didn't plan it that way, but that's how it turned out.

One of the really big benefits was how independent DS1 was when DS2 was born. He was so easy to deal with and that was a big part of me enjoying DS2's babyhood to the max. I didn't feel particularly stressed or overwhelmed like parents of 2 under 2/3 seem to feel. My maternity leave with DS2 was one of the happiest periods of my life thus far.

Another big benefit is spreading the childcare costs. We had a few months of 2 sets of full nursery fees and it was a struggle. I'm glad we don't have years of that.

Baby is now 15 months, they get on great and have a lovely bond.

Best of luck, don't worry about the gap, it will all be fine.

Can I be honest, it’s not great. I know you want to hear sweetness and light but closer is better. My sister and I had 20 months between us and it’s fab. My step kids have 6 years between them and it’s a nightmare trying to find something that they both want to do. The cinema is virtually impossible as you can imagine, made even worse by the fact that they are a boy and a girl. My son is an only child but has half siblings with other mum’s but doesn’t really see them.

The thing is, that almost everyone who has 3+ children (unless it includes multiples) has a 4+ year gap from youngest to oldest.

Obviously a few people have 3 singleton babies within 3 years, but it's pretty unusual.

So while 2 years ish might be the standard issue gap many people have in mind, 90% of people with 3+ children have at least 4 years and a few months from dc1 to dc3.

The issue of keeping the gap small so they'll suit the same outings only works if you stop at 2 children/ pregnancies.

Even then they are only generic children until the oldest is 9 or 10 By which I mean you can say "this is an attraction/ activity/ film/ venue/ holiday suitable for 6-8 year olds therefore I am taking you both to it and you will enjoy it" until about age 9 or 10. After that, whilst you can still chose an activity/ attraction/ film etc etc aimed at their age and take them along they have more individual, distinct tastes and opinions and even if they're twins you might well end up telling them they just have to suck up taking compromising in turns because they may well enjoy very different things. Almost every 3 and 5 year old might enjoy Peppa Pig Land or whatever it's called, but try picking an activity for a quiet, shy, young for her age but sporty 11 year old and a loud, rebellious, sociable but physically lazy tech and music loving 13 year old full on teenager for example - or vise versa. Even if they're basically well behaved they aren't going to both enjoy going on a kayaking adventure with you, or a hike, nor to a concert - separate activities or compromise are necessary regardless of how small the age gap.

Small age gaps were practical for very small children, but add a dc3 in and you have a biggish gap from eldest to youngest, and even if you stop at 2 the golden years of sweet little outings and activities which suit everyone don't actually last very long in the scheme of things...

My ds is almost 6 and I now have a 3 month old.
I love how there's actually no jealousy from ds, he understands the baby's needs. The mornings when the baby wanted a bottle as soon as he woke up, ds was able to make his own breakfast. When the baby had colic he understood that the baby was really upset and needed my full attention for those few hours every evening. He wants to help me with the baby - when were driving and the baby spits out his dummy, ds will hold in the dummy for the baby until he falls asleep.
And just earlier on when I had the baby in my car seat and went to get my shoes, the baby was crying so ds sat with him, sang to him and rocked him and calmed him down.
Overall ds is happy and the baby is happy and I think it couldn't be better

There are over 14 years between me and my next sibling and yes we are full siblings