Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do I need to phone social work

38 replies

Csmxx · 10/09/2019 10:34

So I have a friend, who has a daughter. Her daughter is very quiet (shes nearly 2), doesn't like being away from mum, timid and the opposite of my daughter really. But I put this down to every child being different.

I recently went to their house. The house was an absolute mess. I'm talking not seeing the floors, dirty nappies everywhere, about 6 bags of dirty washing, dirty plates stacked in the kitchen. It's really bad.

She has been given in trouble for the state of her house, so asked if we would help her tidy it. So we started in the kitchen. Mouldy plates and what not. We absolutely gutted the kitchen and utility room until it was sparkling. Got some washing done and it was great. Her partner was playing with a live BB gun rifle. He was showing the kids it. Obviously I was thinking it was a toy. Well one of the kids got hold of a smaller pistol and the partner started shouting and chasing the little one. Apparently they had grabbed one that could fire or something (I have no idea about guns). But common sense would dictate you dont play with guns (bb or not) with young children in the house.

This might sound irrelevant but please remember this. The little one started crying and rubbing her eyes. Time for a nap... well dad went to put her for a nap, mum was adamant this wasnt happening. Apparently her 20 month old doesn't get to nap because she must go to bed at 6.30pm. Very suspicious but we will get to that bit.

The next room we wanted to do was her daughters room. Obviously this being priority because no girl should have a room they cant use.

Well my friend was pretty insistent on doing the living room but we did our own thing. The girls room was a disaster. Bags and bags of clothes that dont fit, there was cat mess under some bags, lots of mums stuff in the room. None of the wee ones toys it was just like another cupboard. We tidied it all up and had it looking amazing. I'm so glad we did it, the little girl was mesmerised and kept walking in circles with a smile. Shes still in a cot, because they dont have a stair gate to keep her in her room (flight of stairs are right outside her bedroom).

We went on to the bathroom. Used sanitary towels in the sink (reusable ones) blood everywhere and it was quite dirty the toilet etc. So again we cleaned this and went on to the bedroom.

I'll not bore you with a description of the bedroom as this poses no hazard to the toddler but it was pretty bad.

Now it hits 6.30pm. Little one was absolutely not for sleeping. Quite awake and upset. Mum starts making noises about us leaving because little one is upset. We said we would just finish the room we were in and leave.

So we left with only the living room to tidy. We were going to go back tomorrow. My own daughter seemed very hungry which was odd because she had tea with my friends daughter. Turns out they were given a couple of Turkey dinosaurs for tea.

This got me thinking. I haven't seen her daughter get a home cooked meal. Lots of chip shop take aways, oven food and microchips. We made her homemade spaghetti and she didnt even look at it.

We didnt have room in the car for our pram so asked if we could pop back in 5 minutes to pick it up. She said she would leave it outside so we didnt come back in??

Anyway, we get a message that night. It's the boyfriend. He had gone through my friends phone and she had been messaging men online asking for them to come to the house whilst her daughter slept and her partner was at work to have sex. She wanted her daughter in bed at 6.30 so she could have men over. She had us tidy her house for her...not for her little girl but because she didnt want these men to know she lived like an animal.

Now I dont want to do anything until I'm sure I'm not just a bit annoyed. But her daughter doesn't seem to be her priority. The house is both dirty and chaotic. Guns in kids reach, just an absolute disaster. Do I tell someone like a social worker? I'm really stressed because this friend was a very close friend. I know she must love her child but its really worrying that she seems to be more concerned for herself and the little one doesn't come first.

I dont think the little girl is on immediate danger but it's like the house is an accident waiting ro happen and I feel my friend is not willing to keep up with housework and looking after her daughter. I think because I have a daughter a similar age I'm horrified at the way shes living with hers and I dont want her daughter to be unhappy.

OP posts:
PulyaSochsup · 10/09/2019 10:38

Absolute, unequivocal yes.

PulyaSochsup · 10/09/2019 10:43

Sorry, posted too soon. I am quite distressed just reading that, what an utterly horrific situation for anyone, let alone children. The added scenario of cleaning up to impress men met over the internet and guns on top of that...you must act.
It is shocking that her partner didn’t remove the child when he discovered what she was doing and why she’d asked you for help.

Original poster
Csmxx · 10/09/2019 10:48

I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly but I sort of knew I needed to act. I'm really concerned though, as I actually spoke to a social worker yesterday who said anything I say will be disclosed to my friend. I want to be able to tell them everything but it will mean she knows it's me and my wife. I'm thinking of just reporting a few things and not going into great detail so that I cant be dragged into the drama she will bring when she finds out. I haven't been back since. I feel my daughter want safe whilst her partner was playing with his guns in the house and when I was home safe with my daughter and wife I couldn't help but think about the little girl who might end up accidnetlt getting hurt one day. I'm so stressed out because I dont want to be the one to report her but I also saw a 1 year old get hold of a live gun..and honestly it made me want to throw up. How can people be so careless especially with little children around

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Families
stucknoue · 10/09/2019 10:51

I would write everything down, then contact social services for advice, they need to have them on their radar. If you took pictures of the mess it might be an idea to share them with ss too

ChelseaCat · 10/09/2019 10:52

Definitely report this to child safeguarding - just copy and paste exactly what you’ve written here

Original poster
Csmxx · 10/09/2019 10:53

I didnt get any photos as she was breathing down my neck the whole time, but I know they're aware of the mess because she told me they were unhappy with her and referred her to a charity to help her tidy her house and keep on top of it etc. I just dont understand how shes let everything get so bad in her life? I didnt know who to ask for advice, as I have a therapist but had to cancel yesterday and couldn't wait 2 more weeks without someone to talk to about it

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 10/09/2019 10:55

It doesn’t matter if they know it was you. You have the power to stop this.
Be the little girls voice.

Littlechocola · 10/09/2019 10:56

Forgot to say, you are lovely for trying to help this family.

PulyaSochsup · 10/09/2019 11:00

I know it’s difficult, but you aren’t responsible for how she mistreats her child! I had to report my expartner’s behaviour towards his child, it was intimidating and I felt guilty. It was definitely the right thing to do though.
Children should not be exposed to anything like this, you are probably in shock after seeing a baby holding a gun. Any one of the issues you’ve mentioned would be a cause for concern, together they produce a very serious picture.
If you ring the NSPCC you can remain anonymous. However, the friendship clearly isn’t what you thought it was, she exploited your help and kindness to impress random sexual partners from the internet, rather than for her child! She was also making you a part of her infidelity!
Regardless of whether you were close friends you need to protect the child, her partner won’t.
I actually think you should be proud to be the one to take responsibility and do something about it, you clearly care to have helped so much to begin with.

PulyaSochsup · 10/09/2019 11:00

Sorry, I thought I had added paragraphs 😐

Original poster
Csmxx · 10/09/2019 11:01

I'm going to try and do it as anonymously as possible, I think she needs a lot of extra support that she isn't getting. I dont want them to take the little one off her obviously I just want someone to actually monitor the family so they dont slip into bad routines because shes going to be a very unhappy child if they dont do something soon. The guns are what concern me more than anyways really 😢

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 10/09/2019 11:04

Honestly, if you lose this person as a friend but help this little girl then it's worth it. Please call social services. No child should live like this

LoseLooseLucy · 10/09/2019 11:13

Absolutely ring in about it, and don't be told you're a busybody either. The state of the house would probably be enough to make me ring anyway 🤷

TrainspottingWelsh · 10/09/2019 11:13

You absolutely must. I wouldn’t judge someone struggling with a house in that state if they genuinely wanted to change things for their child, and asking for help was a step in that direction. But wanting to sort it for a man, not dc, doesn’t imply a parent wanting to improve things for dc.

The food might not be ideal, but alone it could easily be about needing guidance on type and quantity, changing habits etc rather than neglectful.

The guns are a huge danger.

But, I would be a bit suspicious of the partner. It took both of them to create that mess, he’s the one fucking with guns and it’s a bit too convenient he checked her phone and let you know.

It could just as easily be a depressed mother trying to change with a partner doing his best to isolate her and prevent it.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 10/09/2019 11:21

Yes report it. Phone the police about the guns op (either your local police station or the non emergency number.)

OtraCosaMariposa · 10/09/2019 11:34

I can't see why you are doubting yourself over this.

The mother is a disaster zone and she can't provide for her child's basic needs. If she's been "given into trouble" for having an untidy house, then she's probably on their radar already.

Greyhound22 · 10/09/2019 11:38

Yes you must.

You're a good friend and because you are you need to get them help and protect this child.

Cloudyapples · 10/09/2019 11:45

Why would you even want this person as a friend?! Protect the children! Imagine if you don’t report it and something happens to one of them - could you live with yourself?

LuckyLou7 · 10/09/2019 11:48

Get this little girl some help, she needs somewhere safe to live. Maybe the mum just needs some support in place, but meanwhile that poor child is growing up in chaos.

Soola · 10/09/2019 11:48

The pair are low life’s.

She might be a slay teen but what’s his excuse for not clearing up the mess?

Neither of them are fit to be parents and I wouldn’t be surprised if drugs are involved.

Report and distance yourself as your involvement whilst well meaning may endanger your own family at some point.

TheOrigFV45 · 10/09/2019 11:48

I know someone who lives in similar squalor and tbh I am utterly amazed you managed to do so much cleaning in so little time, especially with children around.

It took me all day to make a dent in the kitchen.

Soola · 10/09/2019 11:48

Slay teen means slattern

Funghi · 10/09/2019 11:49

What a kind friend you are. I would report her if I was in your shoes.

Original poster
Csmxx · 10/09/2019 11:52

I think where I'm doubting myself is that I dont think they will hurt the child but I think her environment is hazardous and I didnt know who I'm meant to go to with that concern?

Also, before she conceived her child, she was doing this stuff. Meeting random men, her house covered in cat mess and just a disaster. She went a bit off the rails and even her family wanted help from someone. But no one helped because she convinced them she was perfectly fine. She wasnt. Got pregnant with a man she met online and slept with a few times. Seemed to settle down but it's like the warning signs are back. I actually went no contact for a few years because she was always a bit of a handful but decided to reach out and I wasnt a very supportive friend and now I'm remembering why I stopped speaking to her before 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
PulyaSochsup · 10/09/2019 11:57

Just a thought, reporting her is doing her a favour. Her child is at risk of guns, poor hygiene, neglect and potential sexual exploitation if strangers are coming into the home for sexual assignations. If you report now, the couple may have a chance to improve before losing their child altogether, one way or another. It may well be the kindest thing for all concerned.