Upset 😢😢

[luisa778]

Hi, I was wondering has anyone ever had a bad experience with any midwives, their attitude and just overall treatment of you during or after your pregnancy? I had a really bad experience with one in particular after my son was born and it has affected me really badly now, almost five months after he was born. Has anyone been through anything similar? Thanks

Hi, thank you everyone for your replies and for sharing your experiences, it seems I'm not alone in having an upsetting time. I'm not sure whether or not to put a complaint in because of my experience, especially regarding the situation with the mistaken call to social services. Would any of you be upset by that or do you think I am overreacting? xx

InsertFunnyUsername 'Upside down by her ear holes squirting breastmilk at her' That made me laugh but I'm sorry you had such a bad experience too, it really stays with you it's horrible xx

I agree, some people might read posters experience and think meh but when you're at your most vulnerable the last thing you need is a midwife treating you like shit. I would be feeding my DD and get the lump in my throat, thinking about these women laughing at me. It really soured BF for me.

Midwives do an amazing job, the one I had during delivery was an angel and will never forget how lovely she was to me, and came to find me on a different ward before she left her shift. But I feel when it gets to the stage where they're treating women so awful, they should leave.

Not a midwife but a doctor when I had gone into antenatal triage at 9 days overdue with reduced movements. he came to see me and asked if he could perform an internal examination. I said yes, he did so and at the end he did like a quick rough what can only be as a finger wriggle which I wasnt expecting, it hurt and it shocked me. Afterwards he said 'I've given you a quick sweep to help you along'. It felt really wrong and I often think about it. I wish he had told me beforehand so I didn't feel quite so icky about it.

I won't go into details here as it is still sub judice but we had nothing but substandard care from start to finish with both the birth hospital and the community midwives (from another Trust.)

We complained direct to Chief Officer level at each Trust. One responded fully and had the good grace to admit clinical and - particularly - administrative incompetence at virtually every contact apart from the one time they simply refused to follow the consultant obstetrician's instructions because "that's not our policy" and couldn't even be bothered to inform us. We forwarded their response to the NMC and I am expecting at least one midwife to be struck off.

The other Trust managed to identify one member of staff whose story matched ours almost exactly when questioned under investigation, but miraculously every other member of staff involved and mentioned by both her and us had "no recollection" of any of the events, which on the face of it breach not only duties of care but human rights. We are suing this Trust.

I would definitely make a complaint! Nobody should be made to feel like this

Oh get mine!!

Firstly when I went into labour I had to take a taxi to the hospital (ex didn't drive) I wasn't making a fuss in the back, I was focusing everything on trying to stay calm but obviously scared as all women are when a human is about to squeeze themselves out of them!!! - I got out and slammed the door too hard. I was stood there at about midnight outside the L&D entrance, leaking waters and the taxi driver was yelling out of the window at me "DON'T SLAM MY DOOR THAT'S HOW I MAKE A LIVING HOW DARE YOU ARE YOU STUPID?!!!" ex managed to say meekly "Mate she's in labour" and he yells "I DON'T CARE!!" and speeds off... it seriously affected me so much I was so shocked! Never forgot it. It also set the tone for the whole birth.

I had an older midwife with a student who looked about 16 (wasn't asked if I minded) and I felt like an experiment or a prop it was awful. Older midwife was 100% focused on teaching rather than providing me with any support, young student was focused on not getting anything wrong. They spoke to each other not to me. Ex was useless.

I envy everyone who had/has a lovely midwife.

I had a bad experience with one in particular, I had a very long and bad labour and ended up having and emergency c section.

Once on the ward with my ds he was very unsettled and a couple of hours after having him I got out of bed trying to settle him so he wouldn’t wake the other babies up on the ward.

I was so tired and exhausted and I took my ds to side room for visitors to try and settle him but couldn’t.
After a few hours I went to the midwifes reception desk and told one of the midwifes that I couldn’t settle my baby and she looked at him and then said to me “isn’t he ugly” I said “ I beg your pardon” and she repeated it, I said thanks a lot, there was another midwife there and she looked at me and then looked down, the midwife that said that, english wasn’t her first language so I think or hope she didn’t mean to say that.

Needless to say I then spiralling into postnatal depression and then had a visit from my health visitor who asked how I was getting on, I said I was struggling a bit, and she said “did you have him as an accessory” my dh I look at each other in disbelief at what she had said.

So you can imagine my first experience of child birth wasn’t the best and three years later he was diagnosed with Asd, I feel sad for him that this is how I remember his birth but his sisters was so different.

One of the midwives also said to me 'do you not have enough money for a taxi home' when I enquired about hospital transport because I had to stay in with my child a week, and then I was let out quite unexpectedly and everyone I knew was at work, I was struggling to get someone to come and collect us and she basically mad ne feel like a complete tramp for asking for help after just spending a week in hospital with my sick child xx

eggsandwich

She called your baby ugly!! What a complete nasty bitch! I would have slapped her one, how dare she!! Did you never put in a complaint about what happened?

My midwife just wasn't there. I had one who was just finishing her shift and nobody else came after that. I was on induction suite and i didnt see anyone for hours. My waters went. Called for a midwife. Nobody came. Dp went to find one and found a HCA Who said shed get someone. They never came. I got really really bad contractions all of a sudden. Dp went again and saw same HCA. Nobody came. Rang buzzer several times. Dp went again because i really wanted pain releif at this point. Nobody came.

Got to the point where i needed to push. On induction suite. Dp went again and didnt come back until he had a midwife with him.

I told her i was pushing. She told me not to be so silly.

I had ds 5 mins later. They rushed in a (terrified) doctor and another midwife just in time for ds to be born. Doctor just stood there gormless.

I then got offered gas and air for my stitches which was a bit fucking late in my opinion.

I never complained but in hindsight i should have.

I had two awful experiences. The first time I was abandoned on the ward with no pain relief during labour. I was back to back and baby was very high up. The midwife nearly split me in two trying to examine me . Numerous problems with the labour were missed and dc nearly died.

Afterwards I was dumped on the ward post c section. My dh wasn't allowed to help me get settled and my dc was dumped on top of me. I couldn't reach the call button or the cot. I couldn't sit up to feed him and I hadn't been cleaned up from the birth. Seven hours later a health care assistant came in and was horrified at the state of me. I was covered in blood, my own vomit and god knows what else. My catheter had overflowed and I'd had to drag myself up the bed to get a drink of water. God bless that lady cos she cleared me up and brought me a drink and some toast (I hadn't eaten in days). It was made worse that I could hear staff down the hallway chatting and getting a take away delivered.

After I was mobile again my meds were regularly forgotten about until I was in agony. I was made to strip naked in front of a midwife and have a cold shower (it was faulty and she told me just to get in quickly). Comments were made about my body (totally unnecessarily) and about my private situation which should have been handled sensitivity. Instead a midwife came in, looked at my notes and commented "oh you're the one who....." About something very distressing.

My second experience was great. Couldn't have been nicer.

The third time I was left on an induction ward all day. When I asked a mw if I would be induced that day or have to wait till the next day (so I could sort childcare for my older children) I was absolutely berated in front of a room full of other women for daring to ask. I was mortified and (shamefully) cried.

I am normally such a confident person and would never let myself be treated like that, but particularly with ds1, I was definitely in shock

Sleepyhead19 Wondering if you were on my ward when I had my second. The lady opposite me was calling for assistance in the early hours of the morning as she had had a C section and had been told she couldn't pick up her baby, who was crying. The nurse who came to assist her took ages to come and then kept tutting at her and telling her she should do it herself. She was explaining that she had been told not to, and kept apologising for being a nuisance and was worried about waking the other sleeping babies on the ward. The next morning the matron came in and when the patient told her what had happened she was very cross and said "That is her job. Do not feel bad for asking her to do her job." I must admit, the attitude of this nurse was bloody terrible.

Yes, and 11 years later I'm still triggered, just thinking about it.

Yes I did with out first. I made a complaint that was not taken seriously so I took it to a more formal level. Second labour was so much better as they made sure to do everything right due to the cock ups the first time round.

Omg some of these are totally horrific!! Just want to send you ladies a virtual hug... geez! Some people should not be midwives... or let out of the house to be quite honest 💐

My community midwife was awful just rude and useless.
The one I had in active labour was an angel and I owe her ds life I think. Bit teary now.
She was supportive but firm and kind. I'm so sorry that anyone had to go through bad treatment at such a vulnerable time.
I had some pretty bad tears and requires surgery but ds was okay and dp was frankly useless despite already having three with exw.
My sister had a vile time with one but she's a bit firmer than me and told them to get someone else as they were useless and rude. I love her. They actually did and there was a problem... Which went on a while.
I'd complain op even if you get nothing back it might help you move on mentally.

luisa778

No I didn’t make a complaint, 19 years later I think to myself why didn’t I make a complaint, I did at the time the following day say to another midwife about it but it was deemed that I’d miss heard it even though I said another midwife with an Australian accent heard her say it but nothing more was said.

I discharged myself soon after and was very tearful, but if my daughter was in the same position I’d wipe the floor with them, they got me at my most vulnerable and extremely tired and I wanted help and support and all I got was someone telling me my baby was ugly.

I grew up in care. When I first saw my midwife for the 3rd kid, she remarked I had been on the at risk register as a baby. I didn't know this and what a lovely way to find out (not). Then she proceeded to ask if my kids were on the at risk register. I said no they aren't and never even had social services involvement. Midwife said are you sure? I said yes, course I'm sure. Midwife said, are you really sure? I said why would I lie. Then she proceeded to ask do I want this baby? I said yes, of course it's a surprise, as I wasn't planning a third, but they were wanted. Then from this same midwife, throughout my pregnancy she asked repeatedly did I want this baby? Was I sure? and other things along these lines. After 6 months of this I finally remarked, that if I didn't want them, I knew what to do, either abortion earlier or adoption now. Yes, they were really wanted, despite being a surprise. She never commented again if I wanted them, but the damage was done and I never had a good relationship with her. I was always terrified, she was going to call social services and I could never ask her if I had questions, nor did I ever feel comfortable in discussing any worries. All this just because I had been in care as a kid. Was never a problem with eldest 2s midwives. Some people shouldn't do the jobs they do. They aren't good with people. But especially in a case where it could have serious conquenses for a persons or babies health. I'm sorry you had problems with your midwife. Hugs.

When my third child was born I had a guick delivery and went straight to the recovery ward. the practice then was to remove babies from bedsides into the nursery at night. I gave clear instructions to wake me at feeding times and at no time was formula to be given I had successfully fed my two other children I knew what I was doing. I was ignored and on going to the nursery found night staff feeding my baby formula was told its easier for staff to feed them all at once. I got a blanket and spent the rest of the night in a chair by the cot they gave I arguing eventually no can be a powerful word! I discharged myself next morning and put in a complaint. Got an apology from the hospital. Don't be bullied.

I still have memories from dd2’s birth 13 years ago, most of the midwives were lovely but the one on the ward after dd was born was just horrible, she told me off for making a fuss, told me there were woman in the ward that had had c sections and were making less fuss than me. I had trouble peeing after birth, I had a lot of stitches and was in a lot of pain, the midwife was literally shouting at me to pee. I was pleased when she went off shift and the nice midwife returned. I never made a complaint.

Yes. My midwife was absolutely hands down the worst medical "professtional" I have ever met. She was incompetent/borderline vindictive. She told me before labour had even started that I looked like I wouldn't be able to cope. When my waters broke, they were very dark and I told her I had meconium in them - she told me to stop panicking it was MY bowel movement. (It wasn't - baby had meconium in the water and needed help breathing at birth). She left me alone all the time even when I said I felt like the baby was crowning - she told me I was deluded and that I had hours to go yet and promptly left. In fact the baby was crowning and luckily another midwife popped in when she heard me pushing otherwise I would have been completely on my own. The only saving grace was that she got a bollocking from the head midwife when she realised what had happened. I asked for my notes afterwards - none of this was mentioned, in fact they were pretty much fiction (including my personal details!)

TBH - of the many, many midwives and health care visitors I saw during my pregnancy, birth and recovery, I had BAD experiences from several (who were some combination of really rude, mean, condescending, patronising, totally medically inept/incompetent, totally lacking in compassion /bedside manner, horrible attitude etc - all bad enough, but heightened so much when you are in such vulnerable states as pregnancy/birth/recovery), and generally unpleasant experience from all the others. Not a single positive experience from any of them. I really wondered why any of them went into that profession, as none seemed to enjoy it, or be suited to it, in the slightest.

Luckily the doctors I encountered were generally kind, compassionate and knowledgeable. Midwives/HVs made my experience much worse than it should have been.

OP I'm so sorry you've had a bad experience. You could request your notes, and/or write a letter to the patient liaison service. Please try not to let it sour your memories of such a special time.

Oh, and how could I forget? I broke my coccyx in labour. When I told her this (I felt it break!) she told me I was a drama queen. As soon as I was allowed out I went to get an x-ray - yes, broken coccyx!

I had a horrible mw at my 40wk appt (she was there for 32 week and 36 wk as well) where I was pretty sure I was in early labour. Had started the night before, when I went to appointment was having mild (only slightly painful) contractions every 6mins.

She was really rude, refused to examine me just said something along the lines of 'you won't actually go into labour on your due date you know' in a sarcastic way (it was due date) and then laughed at me. She then said she was going to write 'mum to be is very anxious about birth and thinks she's in labour when she's not' on my notes.

She then made me get on the table and said she'd do some chinese medicine and 'start me off' by rubbing my lower leg. She had a quick feel of bump and said baby was in a good position. She booked me in for a sweep to following week (on Christmas Eve) despite me saying I didn't want one.

She made out I was making a big fuss about nothing. She then mentioned that I was the one that had said I'd thought the baby was breech to get another scan when I didn't need one, she'd implied I was imagining things and wouldn't refer me. When I said I'd pay for a private one then she said she wouldn't recommend having unnecessary scans as there was no evidence that they didn't cause damage to the unborn baby.

Anyway, it turned out I was in labour but because she'd made me question myself I ended up not going into the maternity unit until late that night when waters broke at home and I had thick meconium. When I arrived at hospital baby was distressed. Had son via emergency c-section as he was footling breech and back to back and he didn't breathe straight away. Luckily there were no long term problems in the end. She was a right cow.

I don't think you are being silly worrying about this, and I think it would make you feel better to try and talk to someone about it. It won't change anything, but hopefully it will make you feel better unloading your feelings about it, so you can put it behind you.

It is nearly twenty one years ago, but my experience of a hospital birth was not a positive one. They got me and DS through it safely and in one piece, and that's all I can say.

The only person who treated my with anything like ordinary human decency was a lady who was a lowly health care assistant who brought me something to eat a mere 24 hours after I had given birth .

I went in at 8pm, and was treated like a nuisance, Labour was long and slow, so had a change of midwife just as things were getting interesting. First one was nice, the one who took over just couldn't be bothered. DH was my saviour, and was giving me real encouragement and telling me ' yes, you're nearly there, keep pushing' while midwife had gone off to to get the trolly with the forceps on. She wasn't even in the room when DS popped out!

He was born at lunchtime, I had been given pethadine, so was completely out of it, and had my epidural topped right up because I had a retained placenta, so I couldn't walk either. No one brought me any food that afternoon or evening, or the next morning either.

When we wanted to take DS home, and asked to be given the checking out talk, bath lesson (we were told we couldn't go without it) we had to go and find someone to come and do it, were met with that resentful drop of the shoulders and a big sigh. We couldn't wait to get out and home again.

I still feel bitterly angry whenever I think about it, which luckily is not very often.