Upset 😢😢

[luisa778]

Hi, I was wondering has anyone ever had a bad experience with any midwives, their attitude and just overall treatment of you during or after your pregnancy? I had a really bad experience with one in particular after my son was born and it has affected me really badly now, almost five months after he was born. Has anyone been through anything similar? Thanks

I had a really bad experience nearly 14 years ago! The midwife who actually delivered my baby was amazing (shift started at 7.30am), but the night midwives both on the antenatal ward and the labour ward overnight were really unkind and unprofessional. I ended up with 3rd degree tears because of their negligence.

TerribleUserName
How dare you? You don’t know that because it is unknowable and the sentiment is truly unpleasant.

Yes, with my first born (20 years ago!).
Thankfully I've not had any negative experiences since with my three subsequent pregnancies/ births.

I totally sympathise as it does stick in your mind
I was 23 at the time, but looked a lot younger. She thought I was a teenager.
The way she spoke to me broke my heart.
I was recovering from a 3rd degree tear so had to spend a few days on the ward with my baby.
She literally snatched him from my breast and proceeded to feed him with a bottle while she spoke to me in the most patronising, degrading way.
"Do you smoke?"
"No. I've never smoked in my life"
"Really? Most girls your age do!"
"Most girls of what age?"
"Well, you're sixteen aren't you?"
"No"
"Oh sorry! are you SEVENTEEN?"
I advised her to have a look at my date of birth on my notes.
She never said a word to me for the rest of my stay and avoided all eye contact with me.
However, it made me feel for all the young mums who she must have spoken to like rubbish. She had no right to speak to anyone like that or make judgements.

Yep, 22 years ago. I was very nervous about giving birth as my sister's birth was not well handled and she ended up with brain damage (and died young) and this was in my notes. the midwives I had were mixed, some OK, some off hand and some bloody horrible. One had to use a stick to walk and she made me scoot along the bed in labour so she could do something with the monitor, to save her walking round the bed. then, when I was about to give birth, i said something to my DH and she said "if you put as much energy into pushing as you do into talking, that baby would be here by now." and not in a jokey way. I also tore very badly and she looked at my nether regions and muttered "oh FFS". I was waiting for stitches, legs akimbo and they left the room door open so anyone walking past could see straight up my fanny. Then the Dr took one look at me and said to the midwife, "see, THIS is what I mean when I say episiotomy." I was so scared. She offered me gas and air and I declined, and she said "no, you'll need it, believe me." I honestly felt traumatised and i still upsets me now.

When I see programmes like One Born Every Minute, I think how lucky the families are to have such lovely care ... but I also wonder how much of it is for the cameras.

I had a midwife refuse to check me and called me stupid when I told her I felt my section scar had come ope.

It had.

Result was I had to have surgery a long time after, I nearly died in a subsequent labour as did the baby, not able to have the amount of children I wanted and feel shit about myself I didn't pull herself up on her disgusting attitude.

Yep, I won't go into details but I can't talk about the birth of my DD without crying (I generally don't cry a lot), more out of frustration that the midwives during the birthing process and in the weeks that followed were rude, dismissive and made me feel like a terrible mum from the outset. It was bad enough that this time I've opted for ECS to avoid having to go through the same experience again.

I understand that feeling OP. I was trying to breastfeed after giving birth and one walked in and said I am holding my DD wrong and she needed to be tilted, that I was fine with, I wanted all the advice I could get. But she then called in 2 other midwives to tell them "how I found her holding her baby" and they were tutting all while I'm laying bed on my own after 4 days of labour and surgery to remove my placenta that had split in 2 inside me. It sounds so silly but still thinking of it now I instantly well up, I've never felt like such a shit parent and it was only day 1 oh btw I was holding my DD too flat apparently, but you would have thought I had her upside down by her ear holes squirting breastmilk at her!

Like Chalfont I had a horrendous time in the post-natal ward at The Royal Surrey 23 years ago, with my oldest. I was a young mother, I was a single mother, I was treated as though I didn't know what I was on about when I said that my newborn had stopped breathing several times, but restarted when I put my hand to her.

Sleep aponea runs in my family; my aunt (maternal) married my uncle (paternal) and their oldest two children literally stopped breathing in my aunt's arms as tiny newborns - fortunately, she was a nurse, so knew what she was doing and was married at the time she gave birth... which meant that people listened to/took her concerns seriously. My father also has sleep aponea, and although I've never been tested, my mother thinks there's a strong chance I had it as a baby, too. This was all on my notes, because the possibility of my baby dying? Not high on my list of priorities...

The midwives on the delivery side were all fantastic - could not have been nicer/kinder if they'd actively tried! I still think of the one who delivered my daughter with genuine fondness/gratitude. On the post-natal side, however...! I was told that I was imagining it, to stop being "a silly little girl" because I was "a mother now with a baby who needs you to grow up", and essentially left doubting my own observations of my (beautiful) newborn. It had also been a quick delivery (4.5 hours from start to finish) after a pregnancy spent in and out of hospital with one thing and another. I was in shock, like most new mothers, and I think it's only that which caused me to trust the midwives (one of whom had sneered at me when my - male and very platonic - best friend called to see how we were doing - even now, my spine tightens at the memory of the way she literally looked me, standing there cradling my precious baby in my arms, up and down with a judgemental look on her face). I know who my daughter's father is - and it's not the male (and still very platonic!) best friend... but he was the one who stopped me from doing something daft during my pregnancy and was always there for me, no matter the time of day or night! I'd also had an epidural during back-to-back contractions which left my arm and leg on one side not working as well as they could have been... but the euphoria of my baby having been born safely, and her huge eyes, and the rush of endorphins numbed my comprehension of absolutely no support being given/offered to either me, or to any of the mothers on the post-natal ward alongside me.

When my daughter was 3 days old, the day after we were released from the hospital... she stopped breathing. Had to be resuscitated by paramedics, in fact. Fortunately, she was in my arms at the time, because if she'd been in her crib... she wouldn't be here today! She was born with central sleep aponea, as opposed to obstructive (which is weight/age related). Essentially, she was born missing the part of her brain that "tells" her to breathe and how/when to do it. My daughter is one of the lucky ones, because other parts of her brain have, over time, taken over the reflex which, let's face it, we all take for granted, but she was only discharged from various clinics 19 months ago - and she's 23 now. It's not affected her life, because she was rushed to Frimley Park, after I refused to have her set foot in The Royal Surrey again... and she was treated with the urgency and dedication that the bloody midwives should have instigated at the hospital she was born in. Her sleep aponea (and she admits that even in the middle of the day, when she's wide awake, if she's concentrating on something else... she'll still forget to take a breath!) was so bad that when my 14 year old was born, he was fitted with various monitors from birth... as his sister ought to have been.

Except, I was a young single mother, in shock, who couldn't possibly know the difference between a baby taking a breath... and a baby who wasn't.

Awful place. I didn't complain to PALS, because I didn't know about it at the time and, to be honest, I was a bit preoccupied with caring for my potentially brain damaged daughter (she's not, far from it, in fact!). There was no support, just attitude.

Yet the delivery and ante-natal care there was superb!

Exactly Quirrel. I had a terrible time with my third and I later found out they were rushed off their feet. Knowing that doesn’t excuse how I was treated but it does provide some context.

OK. Well I suffer from severe anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, my pregnancy was really stressful due to my baby not growing properly, being underweight and problems with blood flow to the placenta. I was forever at hospital for scans etc and had two hospital stays before he was even born and all of this had a really bad impact of my mental health. Due to the fact that I wasn't coping well with the pregnancy at all, it was agreed I would have my child by section at 37 weeks instead of going to 40 or letting the birth happen naturally. I went into hospital and had my child as planned, he had some breathing problems and had to remain in for a week in special care so of course I stayed with him. I was quite depressed after he was born anyway but that was probably just my hormones. I found it extremely difficult staying in th hospital because of my ocd, I was exhausted, trying to express and running down to special care every few hours to feed my child. I was desperate to get home and I just felt so isolated as I am from a small town and none of my family drive so I didn't have visitors every day.

I did find some midwives during my pregnancy to be a bit unpleasant (as you will know you see an awful lot of midwives throughout an entire pregnancy) but it was not anything that was worth getting upset about, I did meet some really lovely ones during my pregnancy and after my child was born also but unfortunately they are not the ones you tend to remember the most.
It is the bad experiences that stick with you.

The first occurrence that really did upset me happened three or four days after my section. It was the day for my baby to be brought out of special care unit and up into the transitional care ward for however many days until I could bring him home.
Up until this point I had been in a family room and I now had to move into the transitional care ward to be with my baby. I was on my way down to the special care unit that morning to feed my baby, when the duty midwife/midwife in charge said to me from behind the desk that it was time for me to move my things out of the family room and into the transitional care ward. I explained to her that I was going downstairs to feed baby, would be no longer than half an hour and I would move all of my things as soon as I was back. ( my baby wasn't due in the transitional ward with me until later that afternoon. She said 'it's OK I'll do for you' to which I replied politely 'I would really rather do it myself if you don't mind' I wasn't rude in any way I have severe ocd and did not want someone packing and touching all of my personal things, underwear, toiletries etc (anyone with ocd would understand how upsetting this can be with someone for ocd, I was in no way trying to be difficult) she looked at the midwife standing beside her and kind of made a sarcastic face. Anyway I felt awful, went downstairs and fed baby, came back up to find surprise surprise all of my things packed up. She had sent someone into the room to pack all of my things, I felt she had only done that to prove some kind of stupid point or show that she was in charge but I don't understand how anyone has any right to touch anyone's items without their permission. If this had been at a point when my ocd had been at its worst i genuinely would have had a complete breakdown but I just tried my best to forget it and went through to the transitional care ward. Also, the room lay empty until the next day so it was not urgently needed so that wasn't the reason for her moving my things.

So anyway I was in transitional care for about four days, the four days were OK. The staff I met over that time were all fine but I was desperate to get home as I was feeling so isolated and I was so sad the whole time but I could not go home until my baby had made a weight gain, he had lost weight and was really small 4lb 14oz.

Fast forward fourth day in transitional care he had made a gain (a tiny 2oz) The doctor told me they don't usually let babies home on such a small gain, they were only letting me home because I was so depressed out of my mind in there and desperate to get out of hospital and I was let home on the condition that a midwife would come out to see me and weigh baby 48hours later and that if he lost any weight or hadn't gained he would have to be brought straight back in to hospital.

Backstory which is relevant. I was living with my mother while I was pregnant and had made a homeless application to try to get my own place in time for my child arriving. I was in a temporary accommodation homeless flat from the council at this time, they offered me a flat which was riddled with mould and damp so I declined the offer. As with the council you only get one offer when you are homeless, because I would not accept the offer, they discharged their duty to me (which i understand) and I had 28 days to clear out the homeless accommodation and hand the keys back in. I planned to move back in/live with my mother, take baby back there and then get a private let a few months later. It was a much better option than accepting the property the council offered me.

Anyway, last day when baby had gained and I was allowed home the council phoned me to tell me that because I had been in hospital to have my child, they had given me a few days extra to hand the keys back in which was really nice of them. During this phonecall, a midwife came to see me at my bed, pulled the curtain over and gave me a look as if to say 'get off the phone'. I ended the call and quickly explained to her that it was the council and that i had keys to hand in for a homeless flat etc.

She left and the midwife who had been nasty about moving my things (the one in charge) came in to tell me that she had contacted social services because I was homeless and basically that they would be in touch!!
Due to my anxiety any way I was crying, shaking, hyperventilating and just in an absolute mess, I mean who really wants to hear that their baby will have a social worker when they are a week old and still in hospital? I told her through tears that I wasn't even homeless and that I was living with my mum. To which she replied 'oh, I'm sorry, I'll go and fix it, I thought you were homeless'. She then went and phoned them back to tell them they didn't need to contact me and she put it down to a 'breakdown in communication'.
Another, midwife/nurse in transitional care treated me so horribly after hearing about the social work situation and also made some really upsetting comments towards me.
Since I have been home, I told my lovely health visitor everything and she told me that having a homeless application is not grounds to contact social work anyway. Such a nightmare situation that leaves me so upset anytime I think of it, am I over reacting for feeling this upset by my experience?? Also, I Apologize for this post being so ridiculously long 😢😢

Omg I hadn't reloaded the page after Mrsmaislesmuffs reply I haven't read any of the replies yet I'm just doing it now xx

When I had my first baby, 25 years ago, the midwife point blank refused to give me any pain relief. Said it was too early and I needed to man up basically. I had an intense five hour labour with massive contractions and no pain relief.

Midwife wasn’t even in the room when the baby was born, just one terrified student midwife who basically panicked and screamed at me to push, when I probably should have been just breathing, and I tore really badly.

To be fair, I wasn’t particularly traumatised by any of this, just a bit indignant. It’s only with my subsequent births, particularly my lovely home birth, where I’ve realised how badly this was all managed.

When I was in labour with my 3rd ds I had a really nice midwife when her shift ended I had another midwife arrive and it went downhill rapidly.
She spent most of the time in the walk-in cupboard rowing with someone on her phone.
She sat down and read through my notes and didn’t speak to me until my partner had left the room to phone relatives before she started
She had read in my notes that I had previously had a tfmr and she began almost shouting at me that I shouldn’t be having a baby as my partner and I were not married that I should go to my priest and beg for forgiveness for my tmfr
Starting telling me about how her brother had aids and all sorts of things a woman in labour shouldn’t be hearing about
When my partner returned she stopped talking to me and stayed with her back to me in the room
Finally when her shift was over I got another midwife who was writing in my notes and I started telling my dp what had happened and the midwife quickly turned around and asked me to tell her exactly what happened
I told her everything and she left the room and when she returned she said she had told someone higher than her the story and that they would be in touch
The following day I’d thankfully given birth to my son and was on the ward when the head midwife of the hospital came to me and apologised profusely and informed me she was a locum and that they assured me she wouldn’t be working at the hospital again
I told her if he had been my first child I think I would never have had a hospital birth again but as I’d had babies there before I knew it wasn’t supposed to be like that
Now I’m someone who doesn’t back down from people but on that day I was at my most vulnerable, I was in labour in pain and I felt and still do that she took advantage of a woman who was stuck in a bed in pain who couldn’t fight back but that shows more of what type of person she is rather than midwives in general I’ve given birth 7 times and she was the worst I’ve come across.

After ds2 was born a midwife kept telling me constantly that I wasn't breastfeeding properly... Little chunk put on 10oz in his first week! But her criticism was enough for dp to sneak in some formula feeds to the point where bfing wasn't working anymore, made me devastated as it was helping me to bond so much. Needless to say I was on antidepressants within a few weeks, was awful.

Another midwife saved the life of one of my twins, so I guess it's swings and roundabouts. There will always be bad midwives, as in any job, or those just having a bad day, or periods where they are very understaffed/ stretched. I think it's because it's such a vulnerable moment and momentous time, that mistakes/ bad attitudes become magnified beyond if a GP or nurse in a GP surgery treated you a bit badly.

Yes, both midwives who attended me during labour left a lot to be desired. It was just my bad luck, as every other midwife I met while on that ward was lovely. I contacted my antenatal class leader for support and she advised me to complain to the hospital directly. I'm glad I did, as the senior midwife arranged to visit me at home. She brought my medical notes and went through everything that happened. I was able to tell her why I was unhappy, and she listened and was sympathetic. It made me feel so much better, even though I do still think about it every now and then.

So if you have the chance to do that I would definitely recommend it OP, even after several months.

My first birth was awful but I had so many midwives I couldn’t say any one of them was especially bad.

Second baby I had a home birth which was wonderful.

Yes we very nearly lost one of our daughters. Midwife deemed me an inconvenience when I asked to be examined as something didn’t feel right she kept us waiting and waiting finally came in examined me announced I was 4cm to which I said that’s impossible as I feel like I need to push (3rd baby) she was having none of it by this point I was pushing and delivered a baby not breathing and full of meconium.

It wasn't a midwife, they were all lovely. I tore and needed stitches and the junior Dr (female) who did the stitches barked ' Just keep still!' at me, I was in agony it was worse than the birth. Thirty years later I still hope that if she ever gave birth she would need stitches!

Hi Luisa, as you've read from some of the responses already , unfortunately many people have very unpleasant experiences in hospital because of their treatment by staff.
Please know you are not alone in this and often patients need counselling due to their experiences at the hands of many of the so called caring professions.

Im absolutely not saying this is the case but is important to consider whether or not the unpleasant treatment was for what might be considered a valid reason, ie for example an emergency/urgent situation for either yourself or other patients when there was no time to explain or for social niceities if that makes sense.

Its helpful if you write a timeline of events that happened to you and how they made you feel, try to make it as succinct as possible and figure out if there is a main issue that is bothering you the most that you would like addressed so that your complaint doesnt get bogged down addressing smaller things that aren't the main issue.
Get in touch with the PALS (Patient Advice and Liason Service) team at your hospital, they can provide a point for you to discuss what has happened to you and if any action is required to change/improve things.

www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/nhs-services-and-treatments/what-is-pals-patient-advice-and-liaison-service/

There is also www.careopinion.org.uk

Its like Tripadvisor but for hospitals, its an independent review service but linked to NHS. You basically leave an anonymous review of what has happened to you. Staff are appointed from each hospital area to answer the review which can be read online and often ask if you are willing to discuss but you do not have to if you do not want to .

You can read the reviews that people have left for other hospitals or your own by typing their name or the name of the trust into the search part of the website if you are looking for examples of how to do it.

Hopefully one of these paths may help you but whilst the hope is that there is a good resolution for the patient , unfortunately it is not always the case for several reasons and staff repeatedly get away with bad behaviour.
You may wish to seek counselling for what has happened to you to help make sense of it.

InsertFunnyUsername 'Upside down by her ear holes squirting breastmilk at her' That made me laugh but I'm sorry you had such a bad experience too, it really stays with you it's horrible xx

I have no idea how or why some of these midwives are in their jobs. One complete fucking bitch reduced me to tears - she was clearly disliked by other staff but was probably senior to them as nothing was said. Another (at a friend's birth) had filthy finger nails and sat in the room reading a trashy novel taking no notice of friend in labour! That friend had a horrifically traumatic birth experience which I saw with my own eyes.

BUT there are also all the wonderful, empathetic skilful women who practice the craft of midwifery brilliantly. I will forever be grateful to the woman who was so gentle with me in the middle of the night post c-section.

Not a midwife, but a female OB decided to stretch my crevix because I was dilating “fast enough” and she tore my cervix! I was in excruciating pain for the next FOUR MONTHS until I got internal surgery to fix it. One of the reasons it took so long was the OB pretended it hadn’t happened and kept giving me the brush off at my post natal check ups. It wasn’t until I sought a second opinion and another OB/GYN had a look that the cause of my agony was revealed.

*was NOT dilating fast enough.

I luckily never had a bad midwife, and I had several of them as I moved 200 miles to the north of England to live with my partner.

I know my Mum said she had an awful experience delivering my older sister in the 90's though. She said the women completely ignored her as the birth was happening and they were discussing their sex lives and making lewd jokes as my sister was being born. My mum said she felt very uncomfortable and badly tended to.