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Original poster

Intellectually incompatible

80 replies

Secondsight · 08/09/2019 20:40

I've posted before about this. I haven't had this with anyone else but I'm beginning to see a side to myself I don't like. I think my DP is far more intelligent than me and I'm beginning to feel like I have some inferiority complex rather than just accept I can't know everything. It's got to the point where its affecting the relationship. Although he thinks I am intelligent but I just think it makes me come across as stupid if for example I watch something and I don't know the names of the actors in it etc. Today he had said that he had found a dvd of a film Peter seller's was in and it wasn't good but then reemed off four titles of films he liked of his he'd watched at a young age. I'd never heard of the films and rather than just accept that I said I hadn't heard of any of them and it just made me feel inadequate. This happens alot and I just don't understand why, most people would just accept they didn't know and marvel at how clever he is!
He just says there's things I know that he doesn't and I've had much the same response on here but it doesn't make me feel any better.

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 09/09/2019 22:20

It's not intelligence to know this stuff. That's more of a guy thing - to collect information and lists but it's not very interesting or analytical is it. A bit boring in fact.

Far better to be able to evaluate complex information or situations to understand ideas etc. To assess how people are feeling, motivated or will respond. Lists? Facts. Meh.

Sewrainbow · 09/09/2019 23:38

Sounds to me that both of you are quite insecure, you dont feel clever enough for him, he doesn't feel good enough for you. Maybe you both need to work on your self esteem otherwise you will always be at cross purposes with each other and it will affect your relationship.

Sewrainbow · 09/09/2019 23:40

And as others have said a mind full of facts or trivia doesn't equate to intelligence.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

chickenyhead · 10/09/2019 01:18

Why is he asking you a question he already knew the answer to, if not to belittle you?

NextTrainGoesToBEROWRA · 10/09/2019 01:48

If you’re starting not to like yourself in this relationship, then that’s a good enough reason to consider leaving.

It sounds like the two of you aren’t particularly good for each other.

SoyDora · 10/09/2019 06:54

I just felt when he went through the films it was as if I should know when it's just not common knowledge

Sometimes I’ll talk to DH about stuff that I assume is common knowledge but he hasn’t got a clue (and he is far more intelligent than I am). When you know something, it’s easy to forget that not everyone knows the same thing. It happens the other way round too, DH will often assume I know something and I have no idea. It doesn’t matter in our relationship though, I’ll just say ‘sorry, no idea what you’re talking about’ and he’ll sag the same. There is no issue. It is causing issues in your relationship, and I agree with a PP that it sounds like maybe you’re not good for each other. You seem to be making each other sound insecure.

SoyDora · 10/09/2019 06:54

*feel insecure

OhTheRoses · 10/09/2019 07:11

I don't think this sounds like an intelligence issue but a happiness issue. You have both been very unhappy and I am so sorry that is the case. In a sound relationship this wouldn't be an issue but perhaps neither of you have a comparator where boundaries are clear and love is unconditional.

Fly free op. Go and find what makes you happy and then feel the security and self worth to decide whether a man is good enough for you.

FWIW DH has a brain the size of a planet: first from Oxford, glittering career, huge interest in music, history, language, politics. I dropped out of uni after mediocre A'Levels. I'm not dim but unlike DH I cant chat after an opera about which note was flat and whether a pre ious performance was better executed technically. But I find small talk easier, can divert a conversation if his guests glaze over, run a home, being up children who have inherited his brain and do a pretty big job that's more people centred than him. But he's never put me on a pedestal, never knocked me down and never made me feel thick although his mother has tried.

Original poster

Secondsight · 10/09/2019 07:26

Yes thanks OPS. I think we are both beginning to realise that we maybe are incompatible. I do lots of reading and I'm interested in lots of different things.
He complains of feeling tired as he stays up really late watching things and reading on work nights until 01:00 hrs he finds it difficult to relax and I don't think I could live with that!

I get things done but I'm much more laid back I'm not sure why I get so annoyed though!
But lucky me I have my own place so glad

OP posts:

movinggoalposts · 10/09/2019 07:30

My other half is Mr Pub Quiz. He retains tonnes of information. I have a degree but retain little. Almost every conversation makes me feel inadequate as he presumes I retain the same level of trivia as he does. However, he doesn’t try to make me feel bad about it.

I get frustrated that I don’t remember much but occasionally I know something he doesn’t and It makes me want to run around the room like a winning goal scorer on Cup Final day.

31RueCambon75001 · 10/09/2019 07:36

I dont know how you define intelligence@Secondsigt
I dont even necessarily believe that all educated people are intelligent. They might be. But what gets them through university is largely expectations, financial support, focus...

Intelligence can be mearused in different ways. Being interested in something (films) is an interest. Interests show enthusiasm which is good. And curiosity. But knowing about the thing you're interested in isnt intelligence.

Original poster

Secondsight · 10/09/2019 07:52

I'm still trying to work out why I feel annoyed with it though.
Perhaps it's jealousy, inadequacy.
He will say why is it such a big thing for you?
I haven't felt like this with anyone else and he says no one has been like that with him.
If I could pin point why then I would be able to work on it myself.
He definetly is more introvert and I'm more of a doer. But he doesn't get annoyed if I talk about where I've been etc.
It just touches a raw nerve.
We went to the cinema once and just as the main twist of the plot in the film was revealed which I hadn't worked out he told me which totally spoilt the film.
I asked why he felt he had to do that and spoil it for me and he didn't know. Was it so he could demonstrate that he'd worked it out before me. I thought it really unkind.

OP posts:

VulcanRay · 10/09/2019 07:54

HIs brand of knowing stuff doesn’t meet my idea of intelligence - but that’s by the by, what leaps out at me is that you just don’t seem to be on the same wavelength (not in terms of intelligence but just generally), something in your relationship is jarring which must be frustrating for both of you.

VulcanRay · 10/09/2019 07:56

Sorry but after your latest update he just sounds like an annoying prat! You can do way better!

Original poster

Secondsight · 10/09/2019 07:58

Yes you are right something is totally out and it's sad but true.

OP posts:

MildThing · 10/09/2019 08:19

How long have you been together?

It must be hard if it seems he is with you because you are the ‘best’ at everything. (Sexiness, beauty etc) but that’s probably just how he thinks compliments work.

I think there is a lot of truth in Sewrainbow s post:
“Sounds to me that both of you are quite insecure, you dont feel clever enough for him, he doesn't feel good enough for you. Maybe you both need to work on your self esteem otherwise you will always be at cross purposes with each other and it will affect your relationship.”

DH and I discuss plot twists as we have worked it out if we are watching TV (no talking in cinema!) and one will say “OMG! It was him who did such and such and now xx will think yy and zz will happen!” It is seen as more like doing a quiz together than being unkind.

If you have been together a long time and you want to work on your relationship, consider couples counselling to work out what happens in the way you communicate.

He does signs a bit of a film bore though!

ShippingNews · 10/09/2019 08:33

Your idea of intelligence is totally wrong. Intelligence is the ability to understand new situations, to learn new skills, to solve problems using your knowledge . What it isn't, is being able to recite lists of movies or TV shows . If you think your partner is "more intelligent than you" because he has a brain full of trivia, you're in trouble.

Original poster

Secondsight · 10/09/2019 09:07

Mildthing
He is very insecure and also this being put on a pedastal I've never experienced. When I say twist in a plot I mean the main point of the film such as "the others" with Nicole kidman as in just as you are going to see for yourself. It happened twice "they are all dead!" it totally spoilt it.
It's like being told about Yr surprise birthday party you knew nothing about! Or being told the score of a football game that's already been played but you want to watch later!
Anyway I just didn't understand why you would do that.
As I'm the funniest the nicest the kindest person out it's pressure
"well youve got to remember how special you are! "

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 10/09/2019 10:26

My ex was very hot on films and I'm not. He'd go off into some weird language in the middle of a conversation and I'd ask what he was on about and he'd say it was a famous quote from some film and scoff at me for not knowing it.
He also used vocabulary most people didn't - but I'm pretty good with vocab so I knew he was often using it incorrectly (he thought prosaic meant 'like prose') but I refused to argue with him over it because dictionaries!

Anyway, I was smarter than him about some things, he was smarter than me about some different things, he retained a lot of useless information which I don't really tend to.....he was younger than me so I think he felt he had to prove something, which ended up with him being patronising to me a lot for "not knowing things".

I didn't feel inferior to him though. Just mainly annoyed by his showing off.
If your DH is somehow making you feel inferior I think you need to investigate that further.

Horsemad · 10/09/2019 12:32

I think you both sound like hard work for each other. Maybe time for a separation?

BrigidOShaughnessy · 10/09/2019 13:01

I guess the therapist has asked you why you don't feel worthy?

What is it about you that makes you feel not worth his love? If you cast your mind back, perhaps you were you in a very unbalanced or abusive relationship that enforced your low self-esteem? I'd bring this up with the therapist and soon. Unburden yourself, learn to accept and love who you are as you are, and perhaps go to night school and do a course too might help - anything: gardening, art, bicycle maintenance to help you gain in confidence.

You need to accept you before you'll believe anyone else will.

I'm was much less clever that my OH, but I am nousy and street-wise and we shared a sense of humour. I didn't mind, he didn't either.

Frangible · 10/09/2019 13:09

I agree, @Horsemad. It sounds like a mutually-unhelpful dynamic, if everything he says you experience as if he's showing off/rubbing your nose in your lack of knowledge, and from his point of view, he's having to censor his natural conversational style in case you get annoyed, and he thinks that in conversation with you, he sounds 'boring', and you think that in conversation with him you sound 'banal'.

This just sounds like a fundamental incompatibility.

Personally, I love making a new friendship where our areas of knowledge don't overlap at all, but are of potential interest to one another -- so one of you will discover a whole bunch of new-to-you authors or the films of Peter Sellers, and the other person will discover nouvelle vague film, or Lebanese food, or graphic novels.

But that can't happen if every time something comes up, one person is afraid or ashamed to say 'I've never heard of Agnes Varda' or the other person is afraid to talk about Peter Sellers for fear of sounding like a know-all. And that's the way it sounds with you two.

Original poster

Secondsight · 10/09/2019 13:23

I'm wondering if this one area of the relationship isn't really the problem but I'm getting fixated on this or am I talking pish. God I really don't want to feel he can't be himself and that he has to change his behaviour this is what his ex DP was like.
He wasn't allowed any friends, social life, Facebook, she checked his e-mails. She still texts him abusive texts and they have been split four years. I don't do any of those things but the thought of being anything like that scares me.

OP posts:

Frangible · 10/09/2019 14:25

But you feel you can't be yourself, either -- I mean, I don't think you should be taking sole responsibility for this, OP. You can't retrospectively fix his bad relationship, and you're not obliged to put up with a dynamic that makes you unhappy in case you hurt his feelings...

Horsemad · 10/09/2019 14:36

Well, to me it sounds as if he's being the way he is and you're being the way you are but neither of you are really happy.

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