Fed up with son

[ExpertPuppy]

Name changed for this as could be outing

I'm at my wits end.

Son is 19 and has a 2 year old little girl and she lives with us permanently. Her mum isn't involved in her life.

He is a brilliant dad but he takes drugs and drinks alot.

He doesn't take drugs when GD is around or drink alcohol. He does it when she's in bed or when he goes out.

Advice please

I know many people do manage it, but I would not have been a great Mum at 17 or 19.
Especially if I hadn't pro-actively planned it at the time.

OP: Does he go to any groups? Around me the Children's Centres provide groups for Young Dads. Might it give him some support and inspiration and a reality check? Or even the baby groups, for all parents.

I think you mean when he is looking after her he’s a fantastic dad but his priorities are all wrong, he can’t switch off been a dad and been a 19 year old when he feels like it, he needs to learn he’s a dad ALL OF THE TIME.

I had this with my sons now Estranged dad, who was in his 30’s not a teenager, it didn’t end well, in court they took all his rights to see him away and only now allow him contact via post as this was all he seemed fit to have. That was all drug related basically with a bit of a violent criminal record thrown in and when they spoke to him he just could t acknowledge what he was doing was wrong.

OP your son will not face up to the fact he’s a dad if you are there to take responsibility for your GD. You should encourage him to find his own way, find his own place to live, get her into nursery if possible to give you a bit of freedom. But the drugs need to stop you need to support with that. Good luck

Just to add, my ex was functional on drugs. Worked hard Monday to Friday, didn’t touch a drop or shove anything up his nose but come Friday at 4:30pm he was straight on it, till late on a Sunday night, he thought that was acceptable, CAFCASS etc didn’t

They would find out if he was arrested for having drugs on him or passed out in a public place?

Is he taking drugs in your home? What would happen if you weren't there? What if he overdosed?

He may not be ready to give up his youth but he is a father now and needs to step up to his responsibilities

"he's a terrible father, throw him out".. my god is that what you'd do to your own child in this situation? Or if it was your child and grandchild, would you want to support your son by getting him the help he clearly needs, either with the drug taking/self-medicating or with support raising his daughter? Because I know what I would do, and it definitely would not include throwing my granddaughter's father out onto the streets..

OP perhaps go get some advice from your GP because perhaps your son isn't coping too well and is looking to escape, both physically and mentally. There's a lot to tackle here by the sounds of it and I think I'd be having a serious chat with DS about responsibilities and how his absence is affecting gd. Fair enough be there for him to fall back on occasionally but I'd be putting my foot down here and saying you're not an unpaid babysitter.

Hmmm.

Drugs are absolutely commonplace round me. Nice middle class high achieving 18 year olds doing their A levels are using weed, MDMA, I don’t know what.

And the drinking is shocking. Again, all ‘good’ young people.

I am amazed that at 17 years old he took on single parenthood of a baby conceived of a ONS. Whatever the over riding moral position the truth is that not many would have done it, and the baby would have been adopted.

I’m sure 17-19 year old Mums sometimes struggle with responsibility v their youthful socialising.

I think he’s getting a hard time from Pp.

It’s a significant burden on you, OP, but I am sure you knew some of this would happen when the decision to bring the baby into your home was made.

Keep being firm about when he is on duty and when you will give him a bit of a break, and keep supporting him to mature and develop his responsibility.

I completely agree MikdThing he needs help and support to make the best of it, not condemnation and abuse. I think he sounds fundamentally decent actually.

How does that make him a brilliant dad? Just because he has you as back up does not mean he can get off his head while she is in his care. He has drugs in the house, she could find them and see the effects on him. How much active parenting does he do as opposed to you? Who is her primary carer?

If he looked after his baby dd for a year more or less on his own, then it sounds like he can and did step up. He's also working which is why the OP is doing more childcare now. Once the LO is in nursery that will help. The main issue is his way of releasing stress/still being in with his friends. I think you are right to caution him on this- but also it depends how frequent it is and how much you are expected to pick up the pieces...He actually sounds pretty responsible to me and a fairly hands on dad but with this blind spot which will be driven by him not wanting to lose his friendship group. At 19, I was also out drinking heavily (not so much drugs in the 80's!) and it is a life-stage- but you are right to warn him this wont be ok to continue.

He looks after her when he's not hungover. I look after her during the day most days as he's working. He puts her to bed before he goes out and sometimes he doesn't go out if she's very unsettled

I don't mean this in a cruel way but when he told DD mum he would take her instead of adopting her. At that point he chose to give up social life like he had it before. Once a month have a night out at most (I have it once, maybe twice a year) I had my first DS at 20. You aren't a free baby sitter with mug on your head. As much as you love your son he needs a reality check. Either his daughter or a social life an tell him you'll report him yourself to SS (they probably would come out an give him some advice an support as a young dad) but no excuse for him I'm sorry
Your really to soft with him. My DSS has a daughter at 16 (we found out the day before she was born and had a DNA done when she was 1 hour old) I havnt helped him when we have her I just offer advice an support when he struggled. He has her all weekend an once in the week ino it's different but we made him stand up on his own an he's a great dad. He doesn't do drugs. He's in college full time and has his own house. He's 18 just turned.
I hope you sort this x

Is she entitled to feet nursery funding? As a young parent what support is he receiving? Putting her to bed and supervising her when not hungover, even giving up the occasional night out, does not make him dad of the year. Is this situation sustainable?

I don’t know many 17 year olds that would step up and take on a baby single handedly so I take my hat off to your son.

I think you need to find some common ground with your son, home, work and social life balance. He is only young himself so will need some outside support from friends and let’s face it majority of young people drink and do drugs and some point.

I would have a conversation and together set days of the week that you would be happy to take care of gd while son goes out to see friends. That way you know where you are and most important there’s some structure for his daughter.

I think it’s unreasonable expecting such a young man to give up on his social life and youth altogether, the situation just needs some boundaries in place. And well done you for raising a boy that has stepped up to bring a parent.

I don't think she gets free nursery hours yet. She's got her 2 year check on Friday.

He knows what will happen if SS finds out but he said they won't. I'm thinking of calling them tomorrow but I'm not sure

Personally, I wouldn't do anything that could possibly jeopordise the current living arrangements. Kicking him out and applying for guardianship is possibly the worst advice I've read on here today.

OP if your ready for a shit storm and for GD to possibly be removed then call them, if you feel it’s a last resort in getting him to listen then it may work. Maybe raise your concerns with the health visitor, they might suggest either remove son from your home setting or they will remove GD.

Why would you call SS? That seems like the nuclear option. Do you want your GD living with you? If not, then it might be a way into a conversation about where she lives, but if you do, then I can't think why you would do this unless she's at risk (e.g. if he was on drugs whilst caring for her).

I also don't know what you mean by 'drink and drugs'- it could be the odd joint or a well-=developed heroin habit. It's not all the same thing at all and social services won't see it all the same way.

I think you need to think what you want from this- him to not go out so much, you to do less care, him not to do anything illegal (drinking is not illegal but very destructive at times), your GD to go into care/for adoption. Or are you thinking you would have her f/t more like a parent?

You aren't really giving enough info for any more specific suggestions- it seems odd to call SS on him rather than simply refuse to look after the child so often.

Yes I want her to live with me (and him if he stopped taking drugs and drinking so much).

What effort has he made to give up drugs and drinking? Maybe you need to give an ultimatum that he needs to stop and respect the boundaries while living in your home. That includes not assuming he can go out at night and leave you to parent his child.

Social Services need to be involved.
Best interests of the child?
Would you take on full guardianship and look after this little girl until she is grown full-time?
The wake-up call for your son should have been when this little girl was born yet he still hasn't turned his life around for her.

That’s not true Atlasta he was given a very easy exit route, he stood up for his daughter instead.

If this was a young mother in the same situation would you be giving the same advice? Chuck her out?

He wasn't drinking or taking drugs when she was born he only started taking drugs and drinking regularly when he got a job.

The child is not at risk because she lives in your house.

What do you hope to gain by talking to SS? What do you want them to do? What do you think they will do?

There is sometimes a very naive view of what SS can and will do, on MN.

There are loads of MN posters looking after their children who complain their DH’s go out drinking and taking drugs.

There are MN posters who admit that they themselves do the same on a night out.

I am not saying it is acceptable.

Your Ds needs to think about how his behaviour is taking you fir granted.

By if you call SS you stand the chance of destroying your relationship with him altogether.

There are loads of MN posters looking after their children who complain their DH’s go out drinking and taking drugs

but this isn't the poster's OH, it's her son. She has (willingly or not) had the care of a child foisted upon her. HE volunteered to bring up the baby that his girlfriend wanted to have adopted. HE was the one who brought his daughter into the house.

It's more like marrying someone who has a small child already, who then applies to have the child living with them permanently, and leaves the child with the new wife whilst going out drinking. Not taking full responsibility for a child that they took on.

I get that he's young and still has a lot of 'young person' life to lead, but it's time for him to step up. He shouldn't get the benefit of drinking and drugs and having 'me' time when he's a single dad, just as most very young single mums don't get that opportunity.