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Original poster

Fed up with son

74 replies

ExpertPuppy · 08/09/2019 14:31

Name changed for this as could be outing

I'm at my wits end.

Son is 19 and has a 2 year old little girl and she lives with us permanently. Her mum isn't involved in her life.

He is a brilliant dad but he takes drugs and drinks alot.

He doesn't take drugs when GD is around or drink alcohol. He does it when she's in bed or when he goes out.

Advice please

OP posts:

Topseyt · 08/09/2019 16:30

You sound like a lovely grandparent and very caring towards the child.

However, your DS sounds very immature and not at all ready to try and be a proper parent to his daughter. A brilliant dad does not take drugs and drink a lot.

You need some legal advice from a solicitor well versed in family law, and perhaps from social services too because this child could be deemed to be at risk.

It might be better if you could become the legal guardian of the child and get the parental responsibility of your son and his former girlfriend revoked. I'm not familiar with the processes needed for that to happen though.

Original poster

ExpertPuppy · 08/09/2019 17:00

I wouldn't want to kick him out though because GD is very clingy with him and even when he's at work she cries for him. But if I had to I would

OP posts:

W315 · 08/09/2019 17:01

I think it best you raise concerns with the health visiting team. It's not an ideal situation, thank goodness the little girl has you at the moment.

Your son needs to realise that taking drugs these days is like Russian Roulette, it's not worth the danger it puts his life in. People have no idea what's in the drugs they take.

Have you tried speaking to him about it all?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

19 years old 2 year olds Families

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/09/2019 17:31

What age would the child be before he considered he didn’t need to wait till she was in bed before he got drunk and took drugs? Babies grow up and go to bed later. Will he see her presence as a nuisance, just someone who is keeping him from the lifestyle he wants? Will he do it anyway, in front of her once she gets to a certain age?

zxcvhjkl · 08/09/2019 17:38

YABU if you think he is a "brilliant dad". He clearly isn't if he's drinking and taking drugs. You are doing the lion share of the caring it seems, so he isn't taking responsibility.

Yes he was young and mum isn't involved, however he needs to realise there is a very real risk the child may end up not with any of you unless this situation changes ASAP.

You need to sit him down, when he isn't drunk or high and have a very serious conversation. He needs to get a job (regular frequent work not one off jobs) or resume studying, not only for his own benefit but for your GD. He needs to show himself to be a positive role model. Then I would contact the council and health visiting team to have your input formally recognised as the first step. As someone said above you need guardianship. You then have the authority to have more say over your GD's life which you are going to need as it seems you are the primary carer and not your son.

You sound like a very caring grandmother and both he and your grandchild are lucky to have you. I wish you luck.

Herocomplex · 08/09/2019 17:42

It’s not ideal, but it’s how it is. What would you like to happen OP? What would you like to change? Does he look after his DD or is it mostly you?

Doyoumind · 08/09/2019 17:42

Remind him his DD has already been abandoned by one parent. She needs to feel secure with him. He is not a role model or a reliable parent currently and it will harm her in the long term. You are enabling this, I'm afriad. If he's under your roof he needs to live by your rules.

Original poster

ExpertPuppy · 08/09/2019 17:45

I spoke to him about it and he said he doesn't know why he takes drugs or drinks alot.

When GDs mum got pregnant they were both drunk as well (at a party so I didn't know) and they weren't together.

OP posts:

Herocomplex · 08/09/2019 18:15

Has he got plans for the future? What does he want for him and his DD? It sounds like he’s a bit lost. He’s obviously got his heart in the right place by standing up for his DD, but how is he going to live now? What does he want for her?

Couchbettato · 08/09/2019 18:35

You need to have a serious conversation.

DGD might love DS but it doesn't mean he's not a liability to her.

It's a ducky situation because you either have to assume all parental responsibilities or you should get social services involved if he doesn't clear his act up.

"I don't know why I take drugs" is a piss poor justification to keep doing it.

He needs a tough lesson.

He's either in all the way or he's out imo.

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/09/2019 18:41

So, he got a girl pregnant (that, seemingly, he barely knew and wasn't in a relationship with), and then when she thought about adoption he basically volunteered you to bring up the child? Did he really intend to look after the baby alone, or did he always have you in mind as back up?

Because it doesn't sound as though he thought things through, and now parenthood isn't quite the breeze he thought it would be. And you have to pick up the slack. He needs to grow up and fast - a child isn't a puppy you can put in kennels or find a new home for if it's annoying.

So I agree with Couchbettato above. He either needs to be all in or all out.

Asta19 · 08/09/2019 18:47

It sounds to me like he knows he can get away with going out and getting drunk etc as he knows you will pick up the slack. I can actually see what you’re saying OP, in that he may be a decent involved father, when he isn’t out doing these things. At 19 and with an unplanned child, I do have a little sympathy for him. He was 17 when she was born and that’s so young. You only have to read the threads on here about women complaining that their adult husbands don’t help with the child to see it’s a big thing for someone so young. The easy way out would have been to let the adoption go ahead so fair play to the guy that he stepped up.

I would go with what a pp suggested and ask what his long term plans are. Surely he can’t think that he and DGD can just live with you forever? I wouldn’t be asking him to leave at this point but I would want to see some sort of solid plan for the future, along with what steps he’ll be taking to reach that goal. I think you’re well within your rights to say that you want to have your own life too at some point. I would also try and come to an agreement on what level of “socialising” is acceptable to you. You are providing him with care for his child so he needs to appreciate that and not take advantage.

Original poster

ExpertPuppy · 08/09/2019 18:54

At first when baby was Tiny he looked after baby on his own but I did help a bit. And when baby was 1 he got a job (was in education previously) and I was looking after baby more but now I'm looking after her a lot especially at night when she wakes up. And in the morning when he's had loads to drink and is hungover.

OP posts:

Herocomplex · 08/09/2019 19:04

It’s really hard being a lone parent and I think you are being great helping him out so much. I’d keep pointing out to him that you’re Grandma not Mum. You can be mum to him though and help him make some plans and help him to find ways to achieve them.

With your help he could make a brilliant dad.

pumkinspicetime · 08/09/2019 19:16

You are a brilliant gran, he on the other hand sounds like a rubbish dad.
I would be setting some clear boundaries and sticking to them.
Maybe agree to look after dc once a week?
But make it clear it is his job the rest of the week including being there in the evenings and during the night ( unless pre agreed you will cover because he is working)
Stop making up for him being so poor.

Original poster

ExpertPuppy · 08/09/2019 19:17

I'm going to try and talk to him in a minute. In my OP I meant that he is a brilliant dad when he isn't taking drugs or drinking.

OP posts:

LeZa · 08/09/2019 20:15

You currently have no legal rights towards your granddaughter so you would be in a very tricky position if your son or the mum wanted to take her out of your care..you would then not be able to ensure her safety or stability. You should look into having a Special Guardian Assessment, which would ensure that you have legal rights over her. This would also mean that you would be able to make decisions about things such as health care and education etc for her.

Alexel · 08/09/2019 21:52

This made me laugh, brilliant dad but takes drugs and drinks.
He obviously thought having a child was like raising a puppy.
I feel sorry for you OP.
My friends ex was your son. When she took him to court he got nothing. Zero. Bye felicia. Reality is, he needs to stop the drugs (I mean OP, its your son, a bad batch and you're burying your child yet you're cool with that? Abandoned by mother and father out living his best high life that might get him in trouble financially, police, his life), have a drink on his birthday and new years (sorry, as the sole parent life gets tough, you gotta be realistic), when shes in nursery work full time, just take on the responsibility he took. Maybe he mistook having child with having dog idk.
Tell him to grow up, or call social and have them help him grow up. If you think a parent getting high or drunk is fine, imagine that happening when your GD isn't under your care. When you're not close enough to potentially help. Kids raising kids, kmt, and elders seeing nothing wrong with drugs, kmt. Give that poor child a chance in life, have higher standards (stop condoning drug use in parents/adults /society don't enable that foolishness) and raise that child right.

Windydaysuponus · 08/09/2019 23:17

LeZa actually the op can claim GPS rights since the dgc has been living with her. Your application for guardianship would be taken seriously...

Rachelover60 · 08/09/2019 23:57

ExpertPuppy, I have a feeling if you give him a wake up call, he'll get his act together. He's 19 and wants to do what a lot of other boys his age do but they aren't usually parents; he is and has to be more responsible. You can teach him!

Your granddaughter is fortunate to have you.

june2007 · 09/09/2019 00:15

Lets face it lots of family's take frugs or drink. Iwould say to son though that he deeds to be sober enought to look after his daughter. He is 19 and still in the age of experimenting but remind hhim off his parental responsabilities and that he can go out and have fun without getting high/stoned.

OctoberLovers · 09/09/2019 00:23

Has he had a DNA test.

Not helpful, but wondering after you said it was a drunken thing

Original poster

ExpertPuppy · 09/09/2019 08:39

No he hasn't had a DNA test but we are sure he's her dad as she looks alot like him

I spoke to him last night and I told him that if SS found out then she could be taken off us but he said they won't find out. I told him I don't mind helping him (like today when he asked me to give her breakfast whilst he got ready) but I'm not her mum.

Last night he didn't go out because she wouldn't sleep and kept crying for him (teething I think) and even when I went to her (son was doing something) she wouldn't stop crying.

He will do full time when she is in nursery and when she settles in there as now when he leaves she gets really upset until he comes back.

OP posts:

Teddyjojo1 · 09/09/2019 14:49

Yup not a brilliant parent. That baby ain't his priority. A dad or mother should be there for a child waking in the night not getting smashed and off their faces. I don't think anyone is ready to be a parent no matter the age. Heck I know I wasn't but you do the best for your babies. That child is classed as at risk. She needs a legal guardian you should contact SS for advice before something detramantal happens. Once she's at school/nursery things like this get picked up and passed on to the corrects teams. Your asking for advice on here you already know this situation isn't normal.

pinkyredrose · 09/09/2019 16:11

He works part time so he can look after her but he was 'doing something' when she needed him? So you stepped in. So he obviously knew that you'd do that. Great dad .

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