How can I get DS to do sport.

[HysteryMystery]

He hates team sports, won't participate (it's too socially complicated/ASD).
He doesn't want to go running or biking (he's good at this).
He won't even go and play catch (v.good at) with his sister.
He is resistant to all forms of exercise. He won't even do his physio exercises any more.
He was is a sports club but he is too old now. He used to do martial arts but he stopped a while ago and won't go back.

I've had his teacher on to me because he hasn't completed a single PE lesson this term (his neck hurts, his ankle hurts, his knee hurts etc etc)

OP, DS2 was like this. First, I'd take seriously the 'knee/ankle hurts' complaints and tell him they will hurt if he won't do his physio and that physio is non-negotiable. Set up a routine of doing it before or after dinner/bath. DS does his in the living room so he can have a cartoon or music he loves on in the background.
Then explain to him that he has to do one thing each week for his health - his hart and lungs and muscles need him to, and if he doesn't want to choose one, you'll choose it for him and do it with him. I chose swimming for DS because it's an essential life skill that could save his life. He hated it (couldn't swim, despite numerous lessons, by age 12) for the first few sessions. but we kept it simple: First session was just 4 lengths. We increased it by 2 lengths each week. Within six months he could swim a kilometre and within a year we swam a mile together. Quite a feat for a dyspraxic boy with ASD and a handful of mild but significant physical disabilities. He was proud of himself. The advantage with ASD DC is that they do quite like routine, so once we got into the habit of it he kept it up.

HysteryMystery DH problem as much as a DS problem then?

Have a serious talk with DH and don't back down. Make sure your DH understands and acknowledges that he is as much DS' parent as you and it is utterly unimportant that he, the adult parent, doesn't want a reluctant child with him. Dealing with all the shit isn't 100% the mother's job. Father's don't get only the fun, sunny, enthusiastic parts. Your DH is behaving like a teenage big brother not a father.

The solution is right there - the problem is transitions, but DS is a good cyclist and will get better - by the time puberty is in full swing he has the potential to be as fast as his dad. The father son time will be good. Your DH just has to be a parent and suck up the pain of the ASD problem with transitions - the way you have to every day.

Both father and son like cycling. Your DH needs to parent-up and take his son with him.

My friend's son was anti exercise, but then discovered indoor rock climbing which he has really taken to. Might be worth looking at, as it somehow doesn't look like exercise!
Would he go for a bike ride with DH if they took it slowly, and there was a promise of a reward at the end of it (ice cream, feed the ducks at the lake type thing)?

I really sympathise with you OP. I’m a single parent with very limited mobility. Ds1 is naturally active, he enjoys martial arts (now a black belt) and walks or cycles miles every week. But ds2 is the opposite. He just isn’t interested in anything active or sporty, and is slightly overweight. The advice on here is always to do x or y as a family, but sometimes that just isn’t possible.
A few things have helped:

• sending him on errands; he wouldn’t take a walk for the sake of a walk, but will go to post a letter, or pick up an ingredient for dinner (maybe harder at 9 though).
• a few good friends who include him on things like trips to swimming or trampoline places.
• some of the more active computer games. We still have an old style wii, and he enjoys the boxing or tennis, there’s no one to laugh at him, and he’s only competing with himself.

My son, same age, is similar. He'll go on his scooter if we can find somewhere to scoot to - but we don't do this enough. We have a trampoline in the garden which is good, and a basketball hoop (used rarely but he claims to like it). But he doesn't like sports. His school does a lot of afterschool clubs though - they currently offer a free fencing class which I'm trying to persuade him into and he says 'I'm not sure I want to' - pah! They also do an archery class (just a regular state school) but it coincides with his boardgame club so no good either...

Rock climbing is a no go. He turns into a shaking wreck of tears on the wall.
He is getting overweight and is getting noticeably more unfit.
We can0t even do that cold as there is no shop in our village, its a 10 min drive to get some milk!

Dealing with all the shit isn't 100% the mother's job.
Yes, this is what it feels like right now. I'm the shouty evil one who always tells them off. It was was easier when I could join in and insist we all went out together, but it will be next summer at the earliest before I'm on my feet again.

for the first few sessions. but we kept it simple: First session was just 4 lengths.. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. He cannot swim. He cannot swim 2m.

OP, DS2 was like this. First, I'd take seriously the 'knee/ankle hurts' complaints and tell him they will hurt if he won't do his physio and that physio is non-negotiable.
As his teacher said, it's hard to take it seriously as when they change the activity to one he thinks might be funny, the pains disappear and he wants to join in again...
We have tried telling him how much progress he has made and it's because of the physio and he needs to carry on but he doesn't care/realise it's an ongoing necessity.

Sounds like you have a DH problem more than anything.

Im a selfish cyclist. I love nothing more than fucking off on my bike for hours.

BUT I have a family. So by agreement I do one moderately long weekend ride a month (4hrs +) and all other solo rides are sub 1.5 hrs. I got DH a bike so we do some family rides (he has a disability so we got an adapted electric bike) and I also usually agree that I’ll come home and immediately take the dc out on a bike ride.

I’ve found that ours will go with a minimum of fuss if I promise them a ride to a cafe or to get an ice cream Luckily there is a bike cafe about 4 miles away which has secure bike parking and cheap drinks.

I was like your child when I was small - pretty much hated all sorts of active things.

Ariela already mentioned it, but would you try horse riding? That was the only thing that interested me and I ended up loving it. You're sitting down basically the whole time so it doesn't feel like hard work but it's the best workout I've ever had (and will ever do!). Its also quite goal-oriented when learning and quite individual so doesn't require a lot of socialising or complex social situations.

If you go down this route theres then all the secondary exercise you get too, such as learning how to get a horse in and out of paddocks, mucking out stables, grooming and tacking them up etc..

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your dh.

It used to be difficult between dh, ds and i with activities. Ds would do what i referred to as 'statutory moaning' before any activity, and it was rubbish and drained a lot of the joy. But my goal was to get him out, not going out wasn't an option. Sometimes it could take 30 minutes and he's neurotypical. Dh was chrinically ill but was just unable to take it - except on very rare occasions he just used to give in. Only a few years ago i discovered he also found it painful to listen to me sparring verbally with ds during the moaning period. It really was just joking and i don't think ds was upset by it, but perhaps it was more argumentative than it needed to be. I took that on board and tried to be gentler. But my message always was , the sooner we go, the sooner it will finish, but this is going to happen. I felt so let down by dh giving in, making me the bad cop again, teaching ds that if he fought hard enough he wouldn't have to go.

Your dh sees cycling as his me-time, his space, on his terms, perhaps to be kind his only break. Well, tough. Some of it has to be parent time now.

Between you, share how ds's reluctance and refusal makes you both feel - angry, out of control, scared for the future, frustrated, anxious? Share the goals - maybe 15- 30 mins time of activity outdoors, every day, no matter what it takes? and share strategies to try. It might be easier if you are elsewhere while your dh gets your ds to come with him. On the understanding that he DOES NOT give up, and if he is struggling he gets you to take over and has a breather before another go. Broken record, maybe? 'Cycling time, it'll be over soon?' Sorry if none of this works for asd but you must get on the same team about this.

Is there a driving range near you? Could he whack some golf balls with no worry about getting them in a hole or anything. And maybe progress to pitch and putt later.

I also have a son with ASD, age 9. He sounds very similar. Like someone else suggested above, we did the couch to 5km app together (free NHS app - it's brilliant). The first few weeks were so slow and painful, really shit. But he and I stuck with it and he knows runs 4km three times a week. Would never have thought it possible - I think the rigidity of sticking to a routine appealed, plus the app tells you what to do, so no thinking involved. Really great.

Can your son do Swimming lessons? Our son age 5 refused to put his face in the water but can now do a competent breast stroke for 25m. That took 4 years of weekly lessons but at least he can swim now.

We also tried martial arts. Did 6 months of 1:1 classes before he joined the bigger class. He did the class with slightly younger children too, it worked ok.

I think the key thing for you is getting your husband's buy in. He needs to make this a Father- Son project - getting fit or learning to swim. It needs to happen at least 3 times a week.

I hate sport and I especially hated sport at school. It put me off for life. In my case I am hypermobile and have arthritis so these days all I can do is swim. I totally get what you mean though, if he sits on the floor what can you do really, especially when he gets bigger than you are. There is only so much punishment you can give a child before your relationship breaks down.

I think the best thing you can do really is try and get him to try lots of different activities and see if anything sticks. I loved horse riding and badminton when I was younger, but we only found this out as my mum took me to the sampler of all the different activities in our area.

I would also struggle though if I had children as it is difficult for me to walk much, I can't hike or ride a bike etc so doing things as a family would be out. My DH would likely help though, but in this case yours isn't. I always remember my friend sending her DH out with their exercise avoidant DD. She had to go to the supermarket an hour later and passed them with her DD sitting in the middle of the pavement and her DH looking a broken man. It is tough

I have similar DD2. Been through kickboxing, gymnastics, hockey, horseriding, dancing, climbing, tennis.... we have tried and are met with total resistance
Walks are under protest only, never enjoyable. She will go swimming but usually with minimal effort and only if I go as well.
The compromise has been a treadmill in the house and a minimum half hour a day. She still doesn't push herself, and it's nowhere near enough, but it's a start.
On the other hand I offered DD1 cash to complete the couch25k and she got really into it, despite not being at all sporty or competitive.

My dc like:
Climbing
Kayaking
Basketball
Football
Trampolining
Netball
Boxing
Swimming
Walks
Running
Wii fit
Pilates and yoga dvds with me
Bikes
Scooters
Badminton
Table tennis
Riding
Accrobranche

Yet to try:
Surfing
Golf
Gym
Gymnastics
Trapeze class
Martial arts
Ice skating
Roller skating
Dry skiing

They get a lot of exercise just running about with me, shops, dog walks, clearing the garden, taking stuff to the tip etc

your DH needs to pull his parenting weight... def not on for him to fuck off on his bike as he doesnt want his whingy child but to leave you with the whingy child...

maybe it becomes his responsibility..... he has the job of getting him to do x mins excersise a week. I find it unacceptable that any parent cannot get their children ready/out ...

in the meantome if hes getting fatter ...feed him less....(i dont mean starve) but if he is not expending calories he will probably need less ......
the fatter he gets the harder ot wil lbe to do excersise at all.....

would he copy you tube videos at home?/mini trampoline if a big one is not possible....an excersise ball..

a friends daughter sits on one to watch tv..... and also bounces on a mini trampoline to watch - they started slowly so she just had to do 5 bounces once a day/twice a day /then 10 bounces etc etc she has sensory issues and found a full size trampoline too much at first.....

FFS he is supposed to take DD to a party starting at 2. He said he'd not be here for lunch (we eat at 12 usually) so I assumed he'd be back 130 at the latest. I called him 20 mins ago and he is 2 fucking hours away. Thank goodness I managed to contact party mum to find out who else is going and I've managed to cadge a lift for her. The shame.

I suppose I'd better tell him I've found her a lift because I did say if I couldn't he would have to call her and explain why she couldn't go.

The one, and I mean the one, time I have ever asked him to ferry one of the kids somewhere for a party.

We're in a flat so trampolining, gardening etc are not possible.

HysteryMystery as so often on MN, a child problem is actually a DH problem.

His behaviour with the party is shit, really, really shit coming on top of going off in a grump - fair enough to have some agreed time, but not that and just not bother to come home in time to do the parent task your fellow parent is currently physically incapable of and you know, and have talked being, therefore your job later in the day.

Time for a major conversation with DH about pulling his weight - 50% of non working hours are down to him.

Is it sport in general, or team sports he dislikes? DS is not a big team player, but loves archery, mountain biking and swimming.

You could try parkrun or junior parkrun. Despite the name there is no pressure or requirement to run at all, the whole course can be walked. He can do juniors on his own, but would have to be with an adult at 5k parkrun. It also builds towards tangible rewards - wristbands at juniors and tshirts at 5k.

He's back. Taken himself off to the balcony for a coffee. Didn't say hello to DS (although DS tends not to notice you talking to him when he's busy so maybe he did) when he walked in and ignored me when I said hello to him.

It's any form of exercise really Bike for anything. E.g. if they DC blow bubbles DD will run around like a lunatic trying to catch them and DS will find somewhere to sit and just see if he can reach any from where he's sitting.

wait and have the conversation when the children are in bed. Hear him out (sounds as though he might rant) wait til he's done then calmly say what you need to say. If you can, take the time to write it out in bullet points beforehand so you don't end up ranting, which never actually achieves change.

Try to stick to two or three points:

You have mobility problems, DS doesn't exercise, DH must take him cycling once per week.

DS has problems with transitions, this is part of his ASD and you have both known that for some time, it is known and therefore although stressful it is manageable and you both have to work through it, to help DS.

The children are the responsibility of both of you equally and outside working hours he needs to do 50% of dull things, stressful things and fun things, not cherry pick and leave the shit and stress to you.

Conversation might be easier if he weren't ignoring me...still. Not one word has been uttered.

Leaving aside the DH issue, my 9yo with ASD has enjoyed;

Karate
Swimming
Rugby class thing when younger
Trampolining
He does a social club which is sometimes active
Pokemon Go, but also Wizards Unite, Harry Potter themed game
Does gym trail before school twice a week, does your school offer this? DS will be helping some of the younger kids at gym trail this year, buddying up with them to go round
Wii fit games

About to start a year of riding lessons with the RDA

Can’t yet ride a bike reliably and doesn’t like it.
Doesn’t much like sports with teams

Hope this helps a bit.