Could you say goodbye to your Mum forever?

[Sunsetdays]

My Mum has never been great. Unreliable, missed dcs birthdays, drank too much, said things to me that have really hurt. So a few years ago after she’d forgotten my ds 18th and her drinking had got really bad I decided to stop seeing her. The only thing is I miss her so much. I think about her everyday and I wonder am I missing out? She’s so funny and I love being with her. But she’s like a flaky friend not a Mum. Or a boyfriend that you know will hurt you but when you are with them it’s great. But I’m scared she’ll hurt me again. Am I doing the wrong thing

I’m sure lots of folk will come along and say that you are doing the right thing, but I’m going to say no. You only get one mum, she only has one life and one day you’ll lose her forever. Please try to make up your differences. As you said, you love being with her (I need spite of her faults) ..... so get in touch.

My mum wasn’t perfect either, but now she’s gone forever,I’d give a king’s ransom to be able to give her a hug.

I think if you genuinely miss her that much then perhaps you should reach out.

I cut mine off almost 5 years ago. I think about her often (it lessons with time) but it's always in a dissapointed, loathing, moan for what I'll never have way.

I hope to never see her again in my lifetime.

Mourning! Not moan

I don’t know. I said goodbye to my dad, it’s been 11 years. I don’t miss him today, I don’t know if I ever did, he was awful. I got married last month, he wasn’t there and I barely thought of him.
By the sounds of it, your mum is quite hopeless, but isn’t there any way you’d be able to see her as a flakey friend, not as a ‘mum’? My own mother is... difficult at times, but I’ve managed to step back, and to appreciate her as you might an auntie; close family but really not affecting my life negatively. Only you know if you could do that.

You’re not doing the wrong thing.

My mum is a lot like yours, way too dependant on alcohol, and she seems to prefer her partner smoking in the house than her grandchildren coming to visit. (Even though she thinks I’m wrong, because her partner should be allowed to smoke in his own home) so I tell her: if you want me to bring your grandchildren round, stop him smoking in the house. But she won’t. It’s been the same old shit since my son was born nearly nine years ago now! I did go NC with my mum for a few years, then I heard she had black outs (pretty severe ones where she fractured most of her face!) so I thought I’d reach out to her, but although I feel sorry for her and I love her, not a bloody thing has changed!

In my honest opinion, I doubt your mum will change,, but it’s up to you whether or not you want that in your life.

I really hope you are ok op

If you miss her and crave her company, then there is something there that you don't want to lose. You need to readjust how you see the relationship and how you position yourself in relation to her, so that you can have a relationship with her which allows you to enjoy her company without giving her the power to hurt you. Counselling would probably help with that. I find counselling much more effective when you know exactly what you are hoping to achieve.

I don't miss my mother. I shudder when I think of her. Sometimes I have a recurring nightmare that I've caved and let her back in, and I wake up and feel so relieved that it's not true.

I think it depends very much if you miss her or you miss the mum you want her to be.

I had no contact with my mother from the age of 7-13 as we were taken to live with my grandparents because of the neglect and abuse of my parents.

I missed my mum a lot. When I was 13 she was sick so we were allowed contact with her, and she even lived with us briefly (because my GPs were saints!). However, I realised quickly that it wasn’t my mum that I had been missing but the mum I had in my head.

Don’t get in touch with her if she brings nothing but pain to your life. If beings good and that balances out with the bad then consider it, but if it’s all bad don’t put yourself through it out of a sense of duty - or because other people can’t imagine life without their mums.

I think I would still see her. It sounds like you enjoy seeing her. Don't expect too much from her and you won't get upset when she doesn't deliver. Just enjoy her company. You do only get one mother and once they are gone that's it.

I don't think forgetting your DC's birthday is a big deal. I wouldn't stew over this.

My father is like this. He said and did some pretty unforgivable things and I went NC with him for a few years. However I did realise I had to stop expecting him to be the dad that I wanted him to be and just take him as he comes. I established some boundaries of my own and now we are back in each others lives again. My no. 1 rule was never to be around him when he's had a drink, and I've had to walk out on him calmly a few times to keep to those boundaries. I also don't make any plans with him or expect anything from him. So if we ever get together and have a nice time it's more like a nice surprise than an expectation. I lost my mom a few years ago. You only get one of each parent, so don't waste your time on hating. Just interact on your terms so that you don't get hurt or let down.

I did 4.5 years ago when mine suddenly died. I know that very different to what you are talking about however ask yourself this. If she died suddenly without you made contact.. would you feel regret? If so you need to decide on what level of contact I'd acceptable for you to deal with and stick with that.

I am at peace with mine being gone. Went to her grave today only 2nd time I have been (I love in different country to where she was) and it's ok.. it's my mum and I miss her sometimes but I am at peace with her being gone.

IF you can really lower your expectations then yes maybe you could be in touch again. But you will need to fully understand and be fine with the fact that she will never be who you want her to be.

If you want her to be the sort of mother you would love to have and will constantly be disappointed then don't bother. She will never change so then why put either of you through that. x

Thanks for all the replies. I can tell a lot of you really get how this feels. The truth is I’m scared of her. She’s hurt me so much in the past. My dh suggested in the past I look at her as the child in our relationship with her addiction issues and constant dramas to try and be able to manage having her in my life. I kept my dcs at arms length from her as I don’t trust her with them. I hate myself for feeling this way. The funny thing is I don’t even think she really cares about me, maybe in her way. I want to walk away, to never think of her again. I’ve not see her for 3 years now but it’s not getting any better.

My mum wasn’t great either but no, not until I had to. She died while I was expecting ds. She never knew she was going to be a gm.

What hurts you when you're in contact with her? Is it the flakiness, the drinking, are you sad that she's not well and that she lets you down? Or is it more than that, for example does she get nasty when she's drunk, is she manipulative, does she loe to you? If it's the former, do you think you would be able to see her as that flaky friend rather than a mother, and would that stop it hurting when she lets you down?

I'm 4 years NC with my mother but I don't miss her - her "best" moments were when you were only walking in eggshells waiting for the next thing that would enrage her. In the last years that I saw her she had started to try to conceal her rage but it was hardly better sittif next to her in a cafe white faced and lipless with fury at some innocent comment from the waitress or whatever. The only thing I miss is that rush of joy at driving back from the airport without her remembering how awesome life is when you can just get a curry and like make jokes and leave wet towels on the bathroom floor.

Have you looked into getting counselling or other support from the likes of AlAnon (for the families of alcoholics)? They will understand the dynamics very well and might be able to help you figure out what you want to do. There's a lifetime of stuff there to unpick.

I think unless you have that kind of mother it’s not possible to understand. I hate the people who tell you to appreciate her while she’s here because you’ll be sad when she’s gone. If my mum died I would of course be sad. But I have already mourned the loss of never having the sort of mum who you could talk to and feel loved and wanted and supported by. She has this lovely friend who we spent a lot of time with as a child and I bumped into her after not having seen her in years and years. She just wrapped me up in a big hug saying oh my lovely little girl and I could have sobbed. Because I will never have that type of response from my mum. She’s not capable of caring properly for anyone but herself. It’s sad. For her and for her children. She means well and does make a little effort now and then but it’s all about what she wants and how she feels. And if she isn’t getting what she wants she is absolutely vile.

I think if you miss your Mum then consider seeing her. Take what pleasure you can from the relationship. It’s ok to have a relationship whilst trying to remember it’s limitations. The only issue is if it ends up being a source of pain for you. I’ve mostly come to terms with my mums limitations. I would never leave my children with her. Or rely on her for anything but I am happy to be in touch a few times a year and maintain the relationship at that level. Only you can know whether you can cope with that sort of relationship. You shouldn’t feel guilty if you can’t though.

Bit of a ramble. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s so hard when it sometimes seems like everyone else has a proper mum.

@Sunsetdays my DH mum is very similar, we haven't seen or spoke to her for over a year. Its shit but she never bothered with our DD and just caused us problems. We only ever argued because of her so have probably had 1/2 arguments since we cut her out of our life.

People like them are just selfish, and it will never change unfortunately ☹️

I have had an awful on off relationship with my mum for 15 years but we’re completely finished now

You’ll find relief at some point , honestly. When addiction is involved it affects so many other people.

I avoid and have moved to get away but going NC really is a big lonely step.
It can damage you. But keep her at arms length.
I feel much happier with once a year contact only and occasional emails.

I see my mum fairly often but i know i have to let go of the idea of her 'being my mum' in any meaningful way. In many ways she's just this impossible, manipulative, negative focussed, obsessive gossiping woman who behaves in a way that betrays she doesn't really like me. Those traits were always there but were previously balanced out by other things, but have become grossly exagerrated now she's in her 60s. She keeps asking me to do things with her but I honestly feel like reeling out a list of movie villains i'd rather spend time with. It sucks.

I had a similar relationship with my DM. I wasn’t NC but saw her as little as possible because I couldn’t forgive her for her alcoholism and the childhood abuse she inflicted on me.

Then she died.

It has taken me 10 years and a great deal of counselling to realise that I inflicted pain on both of us because of my inability to empathise with her issues. The drinking and abuse stemmed from her own unhappiness and whilst it should not have been inflicted on me, I could have been a lot more understanding and tried to forgive her.

Instead I am left with an incredible sadness that I can now never reach out to her, listen and understand the issues that drove her, gift her foregiveness and share some of her later years with her.

Don’t leave it too late OP like I did. You will have to live with those thoughts for the rest of your life !!

If you feel like you need to test the water so to speak, I would otherwise you might end up regretting not giving her another chance.

I'm NC with both parents was abit harder to let go of my mum, I gave her many chances.

But the straw that broke the camels back was trying to do the same to my kids, i wouldn't let her put them through that.

But 5 years later she has tried to get back in contact as in her words "she's lonely"
Yeah that's not happening.

Good luck op, I hope you can come to a decision that's the best for you x

I went no contact with my Dad. It was very painful and when he died I had a year of living at near complete breakdown because of all the anger and pain it brought up.

The only way to have had a relationship with him would have been to accept him as he was. I am not sure if I could have done that or not.

It still hurts all these years later - sometimes I feel guilt for the pain it caused him, but then I feel angry with myself for blaming myself for protecting myself against him.

I don't know the answer for you OP. You would have to be strong enough to stand a relationship with her on the only basis she is able to offer one - and that is how she is now. If you did get back into a relationship with her you could not be hoping she would change or things would be different. You have to be able to cope with how she is and not be too hurt by it.

You are doing the right thing - but it is perfectly normal to miss her. And to miss what she could have been.

She can't - or won't - ever be the Mum you deserved. That's not your fault. And I'm sorry. No child deserves it.

You are entirely reasonable to keep away and to be missing/grieving what you should have at the same time.

It's not a badge of honour to be able to switch off your feelings or to hate somebody - for that to happen usually takes significantly greater levels of abuse and neglect - which is just as sad for the person who feels like that.

I don't miss my mother - I miss having a Mum. On the rare occasions I've been forced to be in her company, I feel conflicted, as in some ways, I feel sorry for her life and how cold it is through her own choices - and pure contempt for how she treated and still treats people to get what she wants. I did miss her for a while after the rage from her final appalling behaviour subsided - but when I had to be in contact again, I realised that nothing had changed and went back to having nothing to do with her.

People who say you only have one mum aren't the ones who have abusive, neglectful or inadequate ones. Or they just haven't managed to break free from their own conditioning.

I would say to them 'True. Only one woman can give birth to you. Doesn't mean that if that one is unable or unwilling to be the safe, warm and loving centre of your childhood that you should continue to put yourself in the position of being hurt as an adult by them, though'.

Instead I am left with an incredible sadness that I can now never reach out to her, listen and understand the issues that drove her, gift her foregiveness and share some of her later years with her

FlyingSouth - if that is how the counselling left you feeling then I am not sure it was a good counsellor! I feel strongly that women in particular are told to put their feelings secondary to someone else's even at cost to themselves. In fact I have seen research saying that from a young age girls are much more likely than boys to say they should put someone else first, above themselves. I think this is really unhealthy and leads women to staying in abusive relationships ( I speak from experience - my abusive DH put extreme coercive and manipulative on me to pressure me to make a decision he knew I did not want to make - his tactics worked - I came to believe everyone would believe I would be as shit as he told me I was being if I didn't do what he wanted. that decision has devastated my life and my life will always be so much worse that it would have been if I had said NO to him. Saying NO would have caused him real pain and I needed to have the strength to face that down. It was not my place to fuck over myself to give him what he wanted. It was not YOUR place to expose yourself to pain because of your mother's issues. We all have a right to put ourselves first when necessary. Men know this intuitively. Women need to learn this too. It would save many of us a lot of pain.

Here is a great quote: ' over-empathy is self-destruction'.