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Original poster

Could you say goodbye to your Mum forever?

37 replies

Sunsetdays · 06/09/2019 20:40

My Mum has never been great. Unreliable, missed dcs birthdays, drank too much, said things to me that have really hurt. So a few years ago after she’d forgotten my ds 18th and her drinking had got really bad I decided to stop seeing her. The only thing is I miss her so much. I think about her everyday and I wonder am I missing out? She’s so funny and I love being with her. But she’s like a flaky friend not a Mum. Or a boyfriend that you know will hurt you but when you are with them it’s great. But I’m scared she’ll hurt me again. Am I doing the wrong thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunsetdays · 07/09/2019 09:21

Toomuchtooold all of the things you highlight! I try and have a distant relationship with her. Then she starts texting me everyday and it gets very intense and I get drawn in. Then She disappears. She even went off and got married once without letting me know.
Twolittlespeckledfrogs I don’t of course wish her harm but I do get what you are saying. I always feel so guarded now when I am with her. Then we’ll go for months and she’s great. No one makes me laugh like her. But no one has ever hurt me like she has. Maybe I need to accept this is the end and I need to mourn that??

OP posts:
Branleuse · 07/09/2019 09:26

I think it would really benefit you to talk to a trained therapist about this, because you can neither have a full mother daughter type relationship, nor can you accept going no contact.
There are other ways of having a relationship with her that protect you and your children. You might need to do reduced contact, and very low expectations

Bitchfeatures · 07/09/2019 09:30

Not my mum but I cut out my dad, I had my first DC at 19 and I'd already not spoken to him for 2yrs and I decided to stick to it and not have any contact at all.
He was always a flaky dad, was in and out of my life constantly when I was a child and generally just a arsehole.
I've thought about it a lot over the years and I just don't want the drama that comes with him, I don't want him to be a grandad to my DC one day then not see them for months or years, that was the running theme of my childhood, playing the will daddy turn up this weekend game, my children deserve better than that.
I do sometimes still wonder if he's ok, what it would be like, if he's changed etc but I think my life is better for him not been in it.

It's shit, but sometimes for our own MH and happiness we have to cut toxic people out.

sonjadog · 07/09/2019 09:31

I think if you do decide to have contact with her again, you have to go in with very clear boundaries and very low expectations. She isn't going to turn into the Mum you would like her to be. What you see is what you get. So if you can spend a little time with her because you enjoy her company and then walk away and leave it at that, then maybe contact is possible. If you know you will get sucked in wanting more from her, then you are setting yourself up to be hurt by getting in contact.

ImAShowPony · 07/09/2019 09:42

Does it have to be all or nothing? Can't you have a relationship with her where you see or contact her occasionally - and neither of you expect much from each other beyond that?
There's no reason why she is suddenly going to change to be the type of mum you want or need, or needed when younger.
For me, the alcohol is the biggest factor that would keep me away. If she's all alcohol and ensuing dramas you're never going to have a mother- daughter relationship because the alcohol will be her priority.

Usernamealreadyexists · 07/09/2019 10:14

I’ve semi cut my mother out from my life. We never had a good bond as she’s a negative, angry, poisonous human being. It’s taken time to detach but I don’t miss her presence at all. When I do see her due to having to see the rest of the family, I’m polite but genuinely have nothing to say to her or feel that I want to share anything with her. She adds nothing good to my life, not even friendship, and so I don’t see the need to create any space for her.

Original poster
Sunsetdays · 07/09/2019 16:18

Imashowpony once I get back in touch she contacts me all the time. I have tried occasional contact but it just doesn’t work. The comments about forgiveness are interesting when I read that I thought I don’t want to say I forgive her because I don’t. I know she had a tough life and I feel sorry for that. But I do want some kind of peace. I hate myself for missing her. I have no other family so it’s just her. My brother died from alcohol related issues a few years ago.

OP posts:
Isohungy · 07/09/2019 16:22

Perhaps explore some therapy before you decide, OP.

Sounds like you don't miss her, you miss the good bits. X

RuffleCrow · 07/09/2019 17:28

I'm sure this is a newish phenomenon. My grandma was difficult, sure, but she didn't suffer from the complete empathy block and obsessive need to be the centre of everything that my mother now does. Could it be something generational? Drugs taken in the 60s or something?! Why do i even care?!

lyralalala · 07/09/2019 18:37

I'm sure this is a newish phenomenon. My grandma was difficult, sure, but she didn't suffer from the complete empathy block and obsessive need to be the centre of everything that my mother now does. Could it be something generational? Drugs taken in the 60s or something?! Why do i even care?!

I don't think it is new. DH's Granny often talked about her Grandmother and some of the things she did to her DIL were horrendous. My Nana read a book on narcissitic behaviour when trying to understand my father (her son) and said that parts of it were like someone had written a book about her own father.

I think it's just less acceptable now and people are more inclined to say "No, I'm not accepting that" and walking away.

toomuchtooold · 08/09/2019 09:22

Could it be something generational

I always wondered if it was the effect of being a generation raised by people traumatised by WW2. And there was a thing on the BBC this week, some study from Finland showing a correlation between extreme stress during pregnancy and the subsequent development of personality disorders. My mother was born during the war, they had been bombed out of their house, she was the fourth child of eight I think, my granny must have been under incredible stress at that time and in my mother's early childhood. Even those born in the 50s - all those men returning from war with PTSD and all sorts... they were growing up among all this trauma and none of them would acknowledge it.

Original poster
Sunsetdays · 14/09/2019 20:15

I’ve had lots of counselling but it hasn’t done much good. What is good though is to hear from those who have/are living through how this feels.

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