Oh lord, now it's kicked off

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

So I found my backbone and faced up to my mum about her drink driving...and she's now not talking to me. It's going to be a long day.

Well done for confronting your mother on the issue. I hate confrontations especially with the ones I love, so I can proper sympathise for you and say you were right and brave to do so. No doubt you are feeling pretty shaky about it all.

I have learnt from this site you cannot foretell how others will respond and they may say things you would rather not hear, so be prepared for seemingly negative comments and chose carefully what you want to share on this forum.

For what I understand about alcoholism is that most of the time the person doesn't recognise its a problem, but that is the same with any addiction I suppose. For what I understand of the 12 step programme to come off any addiction one has to first admit they have a problem. You can tell your mother she's an alcoholic until you are blue in the face, but if she doesn't recognise the problem herself she won't fight against it.
You need to recognise the things you have control over and the things you don't have control over. You can lay down rules in your home, such as; no alcohol when your mother is visiting. She is not allowed to drive you or any member of your family until you are satisfied that she is teetotal.
It's her choice how to respond to the rules. But there is nothing else you can do but hold firm to them. You cannot control how she will respond
You also can't control her drink driving from her own home. You can warn her of the risks and the consequences, but that is it. She is an adult and if anything happens she will have to pay the consequences according to British or French law.
I hope your brother is understanding and you have a good chat with him tomorrow.

Stay angry at HER!

No way should you break the ice.

She is continuing to treat you as irrelevant in your own home, around your own kids. If she wants to murder someone from her own home you cant do much about it, but under your roof this isn't happening.

(Hugs)

*Oh dear. They really did a number on your concept of normal.

No you do not need to pretend everything is normal for the children. Or for anyone. Sweeping wrongdoing under the carpet is not normal.

Those of us who grew up in dodgy families often feel that the worst thing you can ever do is to make a scene, to let anyone know things are bad. I was trained from birth that only bad wicked children would ever "show up" their parents.

You absolutely should let your children be aware of the trouble. Grandma is an alcoholic. She puts other people at risk by drinking and driving. I got cross at grandma. I told her it was wrong. She is angry with me. We have fallen out and will not be friendly*

Just copying this so you read it again MyGhastIsFlabbered

Balls, bold fail

Let her sulk. The truth hurts, but not as much as it would hurt someone to be knocked over by her in her car. You did the right thing OP.

Well done on tackling it OP.
I can only assume that took some real guts from you.
Ignore her strop.
Can you go out and meet up with a friend to have a vent???

Of course you can't report your mother to the police for a crime she is not committing at the moment! How absurd! She might rob a bank while she's at it, too, so you might at well report her for thinking that she might rob a bank in the future as well. You've done very well by taking the first step in making her face reality, OP.

I think I remember your earlier post, though I don't remember all the details about who drives and where your mum is staying. Good for you for talking to her. You probably can't stop her driving altogether, in the UK or at home in France, but you can still do...

As to what I can do when she's not staying with me? I don't honestly know right now.

You can never give her your car keys, nor let her drive anywhere with you or your DCs as passengers, nor leave her alone with your DCs if she has any access to a car. Not drunk and not sober either, because you can't reliably judge her sobriety. No matter what she says or does, that's just how it is from now on. And your brother the same.

Never, ever let yourself or the children be dependent on her for transport. Even if that means you barely get to see her.

It may not feel like it, but you're the boss. No matter how much she sulks.

@MyGhastIsFlabbered, have you ever talked to anyone about what has happened when you were a child? Maybe not so much about the PTSD but about boundaries and what is and isn’t normal?

I get what you are saying re not seeing things and the fact your bf had to heavily point things out to you.
To be able to see th8gs and recognise them for what they are is amazing. I’m also aware this is really hard work and that there might be many more discoveries for you ahead. Which means that having some support in RL on how to deal with those discoveries as well as as how to deal with an, albeit functioning, alcoholic.
What sort of support do you have in RL? Do you think a counsellor could help?

could you look up some fact sheets.how any alchohol changes your concentration and reactions.im sure you could find some factsheets on the internet.
yes she might not be impaired to giddyness but one bit of alchohol does change and alter you.

maybe take her a cup of tea.keep letting her know you love her and you would only do this because of how much you care.you wouldnt ever forive yourself if you let her drive and something happened to her or someone else.be foreful yet kind.you wont stop or say sorry for loving her enough to not let anything happen to her.

its tough.im familiar with the argument and its a grit of the teeth every time it bloody happens.and then a sickening row you cant seem to win.but what if one day you do win it.and it gets through.

you say she says she hasnt a problem.but they never do.do you think she has one?

but how old are the kids.because by pretending to the kids arent you teachingthem and conditioning them like you had to go trhough.
might it be better to have a propoer honest chat with how things are.that you are not in a good place with gran because of what shes doing and it wouldnt be right for you or them to ever think its ok.so you want to be hnoest with them so you could alow them too to talk and trust their parents is trying to do the right thing by them.something you didnt get from your own childhood.

because she an alcoholic actually so this is a really terrible illness for all involved.its an addiction.and all of you might need support at some point.if the children are old enough it might be time to start talking to them. kids no things.ust like im sure you did when you were young.but the difference is now is you.you can help them feel safe

I have experience with UK Police and drink driving and I can tell you they were useless.
My old NDN was as regular as clockwork out of our cul de sac nightly. He mounted pavements, clipped wing mirrors etc. Every single night without fail at 7pm he'd go and buy his next bottle of whisky. I called 999, I used crimestoppers. I begged for something to be done before he killed someone, and i was assured it would be. It became increasingly obvious they weren't bothered.

In the end, along with his adult son we took his car keys, locked the car in the garage and took his garage keys as well. I have no faith whatsoever in my local force after that.

My mum sounds the same as yours- alcoholic and would drive. I told her the last time she stayted, tehat if she did it again, she wouldnt be staying with me again.

She ignored me and I stuck to my word- she never stayed with me again.

Keep sticking up for yourself- don't let her control you- and let your partner protect and support you.x

You Have done the right thing,confronting your Mum about drink driving,and can only hope that it will have the desired outcome. It may be a case of how much of a drinker she is,ie a light drinker,or of an alcoholic type,as in how she might be able to stop drinking.

You just have to confront drink drivers,but sometimes it just doesn't have any effect on them, they come up with any old stupid replies.or get angry with you,and stop communicating.

Years ago,I had experience of a drink driver, he was my partner at the time. He was an alcoholic,but continued to drive about 6 miles to his work everyday. I eventually found out,that he was drinking a large glass of neat vodka in the mornings, and no breakfast. and discovered that he had another small bottle of vodka in his work bag most days.

I informed the police about this, gave them the car reg etc, he had a large distinctive car,and his journey to work,was on a very busy road,going through a small town,with children going to school ,and early morning shoppers etc.

The police never did take any action at all. But fortunately,he lost his job later, and he then spiralled into very bad moods, more heavy drinking, and eventually the drink ended his life in a very bad way.

Sorry this has all been so morbid, but has reminded me of my fears in those days, as in him maybe going out of control when driving, and mowing down some children going to school.

Well it was all quite awkward-we didn't speak of it again, went and picked the kids up then took them for a swimming lesson and kept the conversation strictly on the boys. I've come away to my boyfriend's for the night now and my brother will be there when I see her again. He's already said he'll tell her he agrees with me if she tries to make out how dreadful I've been to her.

Aaargh! All this sanctimonious grandstanding and lecturing! We all abhor drunk driving. The OP abhors drink driving. The OP has had her life made desolate by drink ) her mother’s ).

This ‘report her to the police’ is ill thought out. Unless you can point out the exact location of a drunk driver while they are driving to a police car which is in the right place at the right time to intercept them, it doesn’t happen. A poster was he tired and harangued to report her DH for the same.,, the police do not have the resources to intercept one driver at the right time or have numerous look out cars: they found him with his keys but not driving, he denied he was about to drive, they brought him home with no case to answer having let slip that it was his DW who had shopped him.

Ranting at people like the Op may make you feel Better but it does not solve the problem. Just makes a brave upset woman feel worse.

OP:

Great post MildThing

I’ve never had to deal with an alcoholic in the family, but I did have to stop my dad driving as he was chronically ill, aggressive, unsafe and all the rest. And I got the yelling about how he’d been driving 60 years and I was crippling him and stealing his independence.
It’s hard, so well done OP.