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Original poster

Oh lord, now it's kicked off

69 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 06/09/2019 11:24

So I found my backbone and faced up to my mum about her drink driving...and she's now not talking to me. It's going to be a long day.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 06/09/2019 12:37

There's such a huge back story to this, I don't even know how or where to begin. Let's just say I have CPTSD and EUPD as a result of my parents actions when I was growing up. There's still a part of me that is the little girl desperate for her parents approval. Which is why standing up to her was a big deal.

To the posters who say I should have done more, yes looking back I should have, but that's done and dusted. I can't police my mum 24/7. I don't know what I can do going forward.

OP posts:
Myriade · 06/09/2019 12:43

So there are three issues there
1- the fact your ur mum is an alcoholic (did I get that right?)
2- the fact she has ‘embraced’ the French way re drinking and driving
3- the complex relationship you have with your mum.

I think you’ve done well to stand up, to her, esp in your circumstances.
And you are doing well by ensuring she doesn’t drink and drive when you are together. This could get tricky if she refuses to acknowledge she has drink too much and is clearly linked with my point 1-.

If she is an alcoholic, then yu need to deal with it as that rather than as an issue with driving iyswim

impossible · 06/09/2019 12:45

Well done for addressing this! IT must have been really, really hard and it's not at all fair that you as her daughter have to take her on.

I'm not sure how you break the atmosphere because essentially she will have to climb down a little. Don't budge though - you've done really well making her think about what she's doing (and she will be thinking about it whether she admits it or not).

Just be nice to her and don't budge from your point of view.

Gingernaut · 06/09/2019 12:50

Is your mum an expat, or are you?

If your mum is an expat, she may well be excusing drinking levels that aren't acceptable in France and could well never acknowledge the extent if her problem.

The parents of people with your problems are classic gaslighters and inveterate liars. Even to themselves.

HysteryMystery · 06/09/2019 12:50

Given the other posts, well done.

I'm not sure you need to break the ice because she'd probably take that as an admission that you were wrong. If you wait for her to make the first move, maybe she will realise that you mean it and she needs to think about it.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 06/09/2019 12:52

Yes she's definitely an alcoholic, albeit a functioning one. She always has been. When I was at school we went through a period of homelessness, and she would drink a glass of vodka before driving us to school. I think that's been the problem, I've been conditioned to think of it as 'normal'.

I'm ashamed to say it but it actually took my boyfriend saying how fucked up it was, and me realising that I could lose him over this, for me to realise just how wrong it is. It always made me uneasy but I felt powerless to stop it.

OP posts:
Troels · 06/09/2019 13:04

Sounds like you have done the right thing OP, as hard as it was.
Now you have to just ignore her sulking and not speaking to you as best you can.
Carry on and hold your head high. You are the one who is right, she is wrong, she knows it and is trying to make you doubt yourself.

Livelaughloveyuk · 06/09/2019 13:06

Drink driving is an emotive subject.

Well done for standing up to her.

But don't expect a pat on the back and a hand hold.

Drink driving is illegal and some innocent person could be killed by her. You might feel bad because shes not speaking to you, but try and imagine how you would feel if she killed someone who was simply going about their life.

AudacityOfHope · 06/09/2019 13:06

It doesn't seem to me like you need to do anything else - nothing else will be useful.

You've told her how you feel about it; she disagrees. She'll go back to France (if I've got this right?) and keep doing it, and you're never going to know about it. Threats of not seeing her GC are going to mean nothing when you'll never know if she's doing the right thing or not.

chickenyhead · 06/09/2019 13:07

Well now I think you are bloody amazing!

Soooooo brave.

But she wont listen and this is just the first battle in a war you cannot win. If she wont take responsibility, you cannot force her.

What a nightmare

Tonnerre · 06/09/2019 13:07

That's great, OP. Does she have a car here? Have you taken the keys away?

justasking111 · 06/09/2019 13:12

My sons friends phoned the police one morning to tell them. "Mummies drunk again and is taking us to school please stop her" The oldest was 10 the youngest four. This was heartbreaking, none of us had any idea mummy was an alcoholic.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 06/09/2019 13:14

Thank you @chickenyhead. I don't feel amazing right now just a bit sad about it all. But I actually don't want to break the ice right now, I've got nothing to say to her. I'll have to pretend everything is normal once the DCs are back so they don't pick up on things (though you know what kids are like!).

OP posts:
NaviSprite · 06/09/2019 13:15

Well done for standing up to her OP I have a similar background with an alcoholic Grandfather (my grandparents raised me), he'd start the day with a bottle of neat brandy and I lost count how many he'd drink through during the day. He would often drink and drive too despite being way over the limit and having three young kids (me DB and Dsis) in the car.

I never got the chance to stand up to his habits as he passed away when I was 15, but it's left me with a lot of unresolved issues.

So well done and I mean that, for having the courage to face her and to tell her that what she is doing is NOT okay. I'm sorry it's left you with an awful atmosphere at home. As PP have already said, try to enjoy the peace her cold-shoulder is bringing and let her come to you if you can - is it possible that you can nip out somewhere without her to get some space? If she is staying in your home only you can determine if it's safe to leave her there for a bit whilst she's having the strop.

SaraNade · 06/09/2019 13:25

Congratulations MyGhastIsFlabbered. To be able to do that when you feel vulnerable from your upbringing, is a positive step! Feeling sad and stressed after doing this is natural, but be kind to yourself, you really should be feeling proud of yourself for being able to confront this issue. Cake

probshouldknow · 06/09/2019 13:34

My grandmother was killed by a drunk/high driver (we actually came across the scene). It sent my mother into years of depression and honestly robbed me of a childhood. Thank you, OP.

MildThing · 06/09/2019 13:40

Well done OP.
Hold tight while this plays out. She will probably find ways to get back at you / feel powerful, to cover for her feelings of you having stood up to her.
It is a well trod dance.

"Every reaction has an opposite and equal reaction" is often all too true , in these toxic family dynamics. So be alert.

Jellybeansincognito · 06/09/2019 13:43

well done on standing up for what is right! I cannot believe she has the audacity to ignore you when she’s the one in the wrong.

Is she staying with you op? If she’s in your home and ignoring you over this, it would be a heavy contemplation for me to kick her out.

Drink driving kills innocent people. It’s reckless and massively irresponsible.

She may be your mum, but her behaviour is not ok and you don’t have to suffer at the hands of her behaviour anymore.

Do not carry any guilt for it either. I hope you’re ok!

Pheasantplucker2 · 06/09/2019 13:55

Well done for speaking up - you've absolutely done the right thing. I would ignore the not speaking and just carry on as normal - "do you want a cup of tea" - silence - "ok I'll just make myself one then". When she sees you're not rising to her behaviour hopefully she'll stop being a sulky child.

Speaking up is the first step, hopefully your boyfriend and brother can help make a plan for next steps.

Whatever she uses as justification, she's not right. She could kill someone. When she tries to argue her corner remind her of that and that it could be one of her grandchildren.

Don't feel guilty, feel proud of yourself for taking this step.

Meirou90 · 06/09/2019 13:57

Oh come off it @lovemenorca as if ANYONE’S first move would be to go to the police to report their own mother without speaking to them first. If the OP’s situation escalates then I’m sure they’ll take appropriate action. And don’t tell me you’d report your family member because never in a million years will I believe that. All talk.

TowelNumber42 · 06/09/2019 13:59

Oh dear. They really did a number on your concept of normal.

No you do not need to pretend everything is normal for the children. Or for anyone. Sweeping wrongdoing under the carpet is not normal.

Those of us who grew up in dodgy families often feel that the worst thing you can ever do is to make a scene, to let anyone know things are bad. I was trained from birth that only bad wicked children would ever "show up" their parents.

You absolutely should let your children be aware of the trouble. Grandma is an alcoholic. She puts other people at risk by drinking and driving. I got cross at grandma. I told her it was wrong. She is angry with me. We have fallen out and will not be friendly

AmIChangingagain · 06/09/2019 14:00

Well done for challenging her

When you say you stood up to get, what do you mean ? Did you tell her to stop, or what.

bloodywhitecat · 06/09/2019 14:03

Well done for clawing back some of her control. I would go down the asking mundane 'cup of tea?' type question too and answering yourself if she doesn't. I get how much strength it took to take this step too, been in a similar situation myself and it took me almost half a century to start to unravel the damage my mum caused in my childhood. I can say the first step was definitely the hardest one.

perfectstorm · 06/09/2019 14:03

OP, have you had any support for your own experiences growing up with this? Adfam might be able to signpost you to some?

I think you could probably do with working out what, exactly, she brings to your life that's positive, and whether you want this much, or any, involvement in her life. Flowers

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