Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Family torn apart by actions of MiL

31 replies

masirah · 06/09/2019 11:07

My Mil has made it clear from when my DD was 7yo that ehe didnt like her. No reason given, just didnt like her.
Moving on 25 years Mil organised a surprise party for my SiL inviting friends of SiL who she hadn't seen in a while.
On being asked by wife and new DiL about who was attending she made it known that DD was not invited. DD has been a bit busy in her life for about a year now due to hospital visits and the unwanted attentions of an ex who was stalking and threatening to kill her. Police involvement seems to have stopped that thankfully. So she has not had a lot of oportunities to visit her grandparents. As a result of her not being invited, I refused to attend and on the day my Wife did go but only to help set up and then left. We now have a situation where we have radio silence from the grandparents and the SiL and BiL. Although my DS and his wife have had emails from them.
To me this is an end of relationship event and such a shame that after 41 years of marriage my Wife has to put up with this shit from her family. Me? I dont care as I am of an age where this sort of crap is just not worth fretting about. Family holidays, get-togethers, Christmas and Easter Dinner sit downs are now history...
Am IBU to not give a toss and just concentrate on MY family?

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 06/09/2019 11:28

Yanbu. Your MIL SIL & BIL aren't worth the hassle & grief.

Carthage · 06/09/2019 11:34

Yadnbu. I cannot imagine what a seven year old could do to be rejected by their grandparents. I wonder if SiL is the golden child and your wife the scapegoat and your daughter has had this particular parcel passed down.

I couldn't be bothered to keep in touch with any of these people and I'd support your wife and DD if they chose to go no contact.

Chunkers · 06/09/2019 11:39

Sounds like an ideal opportunity to draw a line under that relationship and move on without them. I have to say though, I am surprised it has taken this long! I can’t imagine all those family get together have done much for your daughters self esteem over the years.

Juells · 06/09/2019 11:53

If you've been married for 41 years it sounds like your MiL won't be around too much longer to annoy you, and you won't have to do any helping out in the meantime.

Be grateful it's over and you don't have to put up with her any longer.

LeysaV · 06/09/2019 12:04

Can't say I blame you OP

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/09/2019 12:08

That's disgraceful behaviour on the families part. Chalk it up to experience and ignore

chickenyhead · 06/09/2019 12:08

YANBU they are.

Stupid people. You did the right thing, stand by your DC and do not tolerate or give headspace to this bullying.

Original poster
masirah · 06/09/2019 13:10

Thanks everyone for the feedback which is the same as my thoughts. My Wife has enough to put up with without all this added grief. I have known my BiL since we were 15 and this is a wrench.
Still, granny (wicked-witch-of the-North as my daughter refers to her) has only herself to blame but she is such a stubborn woman she will let things progress as she "has done nothing wrong"...

OP posts:
HaileySherman · 06/09/2019 13:21

Not unreasonable at all. I'm actually flabbergasted that your wife hasn't cut them off long ago. Rejection of my child is a complete deal breaker for me, I don't care who you are. What a horrible person to decide to "not like" a child, let alone one who you should love unconditionally given the relationship. I just don't understand.

SantaIsReal · 06/09/2019 13:57

My own mum & dad has made their own bed to the point they are now cut off from myself, husband and children. Focus on your family, they are your concern. I know my children are best being kept away from the toxic poison that is my parents.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/09/2019 14:08

@masirah - I think you are doing exactly the right thing by concentrating on your own family, and supporting them. Your in-laws are completely in the wrong.

TixieLix · 06/09/2019 14:16

YANBU to not give a toss and focus only on your own family, but you should be very mindful of your wife's feelings as she now has to contend with this breakup from her family and regardless of how long it has been simmering, it will still hurt like hell.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 06/09/2019 14:17

YANBU to focus on your family at all. Everyone has a cut off point and you've reached yours; stay calm and stand firm when they're mentioned from now on, and stay resolute that you're done with the lot of them.

My MIL last year behaved atrociously to one of our DC to the extent that only DH has contact now. The DC just aren't interested and MIL obviously "hasn't done anything wrong" and is the victim in all of this. She's going to miss out on the remainder of the DCs childhoods because she's too stubborn and stupid to change or apologise That's her loss, nobody else's. I can't spend my time trying to appease anyone who is unkind to a child.

WhatsMyPassword · 06/09/2019 14:32

Im just really interested in the family dynamic as to why MIL would take against a 7yo in such a way. You say right at the beginning 'my DD' - did you bring this child to the relationship or is MIL her blood grandmother? I think thats important to know.

Durgasarrow · 06/09/2019 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
masirah · 10/09/2019 11:50

@Durgasarrow.
I completely disagree with what you have said. DD has coped very well with grannie even visiting on her own for years! This last incident just capped the issue once and for all. The problem she has experienced lately with the threats and stalking has nothing to do with the grannie issue and she has received nothing but love and support from us both.
Your view on this matter, as far as I am concerned, is total bolleaux.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 10/09/2019 11:54

The parental unwillingness to put protecting her as a high value above the bitterness of an old woman has obviously contributed to giving her low self-esteem that is harming her today

ODFOD. what would you know?!

Op, ynbu. We've also mostly cut off MIL due to her machinations and dislike of our little boy (she doesn't like boys, she has said). Don't miss her at all. Sometimes it's necessary to cut out a cancer that is poisening us.

NoSauce · 10/09/2019 11:55

I’m surprised it’s taken this long to cut her off OP! What sort of woman does this to her granddaughter? I can only imagine. I would never set eyes on her ever again!

Original poster
masirah · 10/09/2019 11:56

@WhatsMyPassword. Yes grannie is 'blood' on my wifes side.
We both have searched our memories on why she took against DD but we cannot recall ANY incident. DD has not misbehaved at any time in her company. It is a mystery to us all, but hey ho, grannies loss!
DD is not worried and nor are we (especially me) Life moves on, and now this is finally done, with I am confident it will also be better.

OP posts:
Original poster
masirah · 10/09/2019 11:59

@Juells. My thoughts entirely! The end game is upon us...

OP posts:
Original poster
masirah · 10/09/2019 12:03

@NoSauce. We have family events on the near horizon, a Christening of my granddaughter and a wedding of my nephew.
I think grannie will be at the Christening so that will be enlightening! and DD and myself have already swerved the wedding even though it is next year!

OP posts:
Original poster
masirah · 10/09/2019 12:05

@FudgeBrownie2019 Near enough the exact same as my position, grannies loss! Stay strong.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 10/09/2019 12:06

Ah ok. I would just completely blank her then.

Original poster
masirah · 10/09/2019 12:08

@YouJustDoYou. I should have cut her off years ago but I didn't want to be seen as a barrier between my Wife and her mother and also because I get on very well with my FiL (until now anyway)

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 12:11

We have family events on the near horizon, a Christening of my granddaughter and a wedding of my nephew.
I think grannie will be at the Christening so that will be enlightening! and DD and myself have already swerved the wedding even though it is next year!

It's a shame grannie will be invited to the christening. I assume it's not your dd's child being christened? Does your other child realise the extent of the problem - I'd like to think they'd be supportive of their sister and the treatment she receives from grannie.