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Original poster

Fat and going for a family meal and I’m so worried

46 replies

fatandashamed · 03/09/2019 21:51

I’m overweight at 21 stone . I’ve lost a stone and a half through exercising in the last six weeks and I’m trying very hard, I’m only eating breakfast and a main meal and no lunch , cutting out snacks where possible etc etc .

I’ve been asked to go to a family meal next week and I’m really not wanting to go at all . My grandmother will be there , she has called me fat since age 7 or so and I know she will be watching every mouthful I eat and commenting . Every time I am with her she comments on my weight, what I eat, etc - whether in front of others or not . Makes jokes about the ‘elephant in the room’ stuff like that .

My mum has lost a lot of weight in the last year , family keep complimenting her which is lovely and I know they will say lots at meal but I can’t help but think they will all be silently laughing at me .

I’m terrified of going out as it is as I have major anxiety issues but it’s for my mum’s birthday , so I feel obligated to go and put a smile on . There’s no real reason I can’t go although sister has refused (for similar reasons that she would feel very uncomfortable although she isn’t fat, but she already had plans anyway) ... I haven’t even got decent clothes to wear . Mum is wearing a dress that used to be mine before I got this fat ; and keeps asking me what shoes she should wear etc, and I’m hurting because I’m so angry over it all . Not with mum but with me for being fat .

I’m 28 and I’m bloody terrified of my family, how silly is that . I’m not sure what’s best to do, go and eat a salad only and count down the minutes til it’s over or what ?

OP posts:

Raphael34 · 03/09/2019 21:56

Do you feel you’re able to stand up to your grandmother at all? Maybe if we help you with a few comebacks if she mentions your weight? Well done on the weight loss btw. I’m guessing your grandmother won’t be satisfied if you point out you are actually on a diet and are losing weight? Is it just your grandmother you’re worried about?

2cats2many · 03/09/2019 21:57

No wonder you feel anxious. They sound bloody horrible.

You don't have to put yourself through that. You don't have to go. If they people are upset that you don't go, well that's a shame, but you are allowed to put yourself first.

In a nutshell, this is what boundaries are. Being able to say no to people, even if it upsets them. Your feelings matter too.

Thewalker75 · 03/09/2019 21:59

Blimey im not surprised you dont want to go if you hear nasty comments like that from your own family.

The correct advice of course is that it's for your mums birthday who i assume doesn't make derogatory comments about your weight, in which case if you can afford it get yourself a fabulous new outfit or new accessories to a simple out fit you feel comfortable in, order whatever food you want - it's a celebration - ignore any negative comments and keep your head held high. It's only for a few hours.

However I completely understand that feeling of not wanting to go and you would be well within your rights not to do so. But i would have a quiet word with your mum about your reasons so she understands.

And well done on the weight loss that's fantastic!

Interested in this thread?

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Weight management

fikel · 03/09/2019 22:00

Do something special with your mum on a different day

MrsMump · 03/09/2019 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Halo1234 · 03/09/2019 22:05

Those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter (your grandmother doesn't matter)......go for your mum she loves u for u and your grandmother is rude and should not be commenting on your weight. Hold your head hi. If u know u are a good person and u work hard and are kind to people then it doesn't matter what u look like what weight u are. It's not important. Lose weight for u if u want to. But people who go out there way to make u self conscious honestly dont matter. U have nothing to be ashamed off (your grandmother does for being rude and unkind for years and affecting your self esteem). Its what is inside that counts. Love yourself for you not how much you weigh. Life it too short. Dont hide. Enjoy it. You have a right to be there. Oh and eat what u one. Even on a diet u deserve a night off. Have a great time.

Soola · 03/09/2019 22:16

I wouldn’t put yourself through it.

You do not have to go. The world will not end if you do not go.

You’ve embarked on losing weight and have lost a stone and a half which is fantastic.

You risk jeopardising this weight loss by having your self esteem take a hammering.

Your focus should be on your health and not all this stress which may you feel giving up/in.

Do something with your mother on your own.

You could use the date of her birthday next year as motivation or a goal to lose weight. Don’t set a specific target, just turn the humiliation your grandmother heaps on you into something that will spur you on.

NoSauce · 03/09/2019 22:24

I agree with doing something nice for you and your mum. I’m sure she will understand why you don’t want to go. I wouldn’t want to go either.

CherryPavlova · 03/09/2019 22:26

Granny sounds poisonous. Either as someone says, do something on a different day with your mother or persuade yourself to stop the comments. A simple thing like eye contact, and ‘ That’s very rude and hurtful’ delivered repeatedly, each time will soon get the message over. Don’t enter a debate, don’t discuss just repeat until granny chokes on her own unkindness.
Don’t worry about your dress. A huge smile is always far more flattering than any dress. Try and focus your thoughts on your mother, enjoy that she’s lost weight - sounds like you won’t be far behind.

cafenoirbiscuit · 03/09/2019 22:30

A stone and a half is really impressive. I’d stay away from grandma. She sounds awful.

FairyDust92 · 03/09/2019 22:32

Your grandmother sounds awful! She must be an oil painting...

Good for you OP with your weight loss! Easier said than done but love yourself, always! Do not let anyone's opinions or comments dampen your spirit x

Oly4 · 03/09/2019 22:36

I think part of the issue is your low self esteem at the moment. Could you just go for your mum and put a brave face on? Keep away from your grandmother and if she says anything tell her you’ve lost 1.5st - an amazing achievement!
Well done on your weight loss and keep
Going. It sounds as though being overweight makes you unhappy.. you were doing so well.

ChequerBoard · 03/09/2019 22:39

Don't go. You are doing so well, do whatever you need to do to keep going.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/09/2019 22:40

Don't go OP, please.. just don't go.. it's sounds appalling and hideous and NOTHING gives anyone the right to insult humiliate and offend you, especially a family member, who is meant to cherish and love you. She's an ignorant bully. Fuck that ?! don't go.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 03/09/2019 22:46

I have a 30+ stone aunty. Shes tried everything from hypnotherapy to smoking instead of snacking as a last resort.

She said eating would kill her faster than smoking.

Noone in our family have once sat down at a meal with her and laughed in our heads, watched every mouthful ect. Shes family, we love her. Of course we would all want her to be healthy but we've never judged.

I understand how you can have a bit of anxiety about it though, I suffer terrible from general anxiety and often feel like people are looking at me or thinking negatively of me.

But the truth is, if its family they care about you too much to judge you (your grandmother sounds like she needs putting her in place and shutting up) and if someone doesn't know you, the likely good is they dont take any notice.

Each to their own I say. Go out and enjoy the family meal. Maybe call your grandmother out infront of everyone. She will feel quite embarrassed if you make it clear to your family that your happy with yourself, your weight loss and everything else she wants to comment on and that her comments hurt and as family you would have thought she would provide a bit more support. Yoir other family members will agree and she will feel like shes been out in the doghouse.

Bullies need to be put into place, not ignored.

Reluctantbettlynch · 04/09/2019 07:05

Don't go, my worry is that if she upsets you then she might set you back - especially if you are likely to comfort eat after she does so.
I had this treatment as a child and now have lifelong issues with food
If you were feeling stronger then we could arm you with responses to her charm, but feeling as you do I would arrange something else to do with your mum at another time.
If necessary be honest with mum and say you are working hard to lose weight and have concerns that it may set you back - depth of honesty here is optional. granny is a bitch

NotQuiteUsual · 04/09/2019 07:10

Don't go, tell your mum exactly why and do something else with her. You don't have to go to a family meal that's going to make you feel shit, you'll have a much nicer time taking your mum out on your own.

Teacakeandalatte · 04/09/2019 07:12

I also agree with not going and do something nice with your Mum seperately.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 04/09/2019 07:18

Congratulations on your weight loss!
Don't go to the meal. Agree with PP that you can arrange to do something else with your Mum.
Is your Mum aware of your Grandmas attitude?

NabooThatsWho · 04/09/2019 07:18

Don’t spend time with horrible people. Doesn’t matter whether you are related to them or not. Your gran is a dickhead and should be avoided at all costs.

You will probably be made to feel guilty for cutting contact, but so what?

You do not have to spend time with anyone you don’t want to. Once you realise that, it’s very liberating.

Work on your boundaries and stick to them.

virginpinkmartini · 04/09/2019 07:24

Don't go. The last thing you need is ignorant individuals (for want of a better term) setting you back when you've progressed so much. I'm all for harsh truths when people are GENUINELY concerned for someones wellbeing, but this is just downright bullying and you don't need to put up with it.

Kokeshi123 · 04/09/2019 07:28

If the OP goes to this meal, she can't "keep away" from toxic Granny---I assume they are all sitting around the table together!

I think she has a choice of, either stop the rude comments (ideally by having a word beforehand or getting Mum to have a word beforehand), or refuse to go and do something else with Mum instead.

Rockbird · 04/09/2019 07:33

Don't go. I had relatives like this and it has had a huge impact on my life. I'm also very overweight and struggle with self esteem every minute of every day. It's very easy to say call her up on it, don't let her get to you etc. but it's very different in reality. You're doing fabulously, don't let her put you back. Tell your mother why you don't want to go and do something with her separately.

ReasonedCamper · 04/09/2019 07:41

Can you talking to your Mum about this?

Though I am guessing that your Mum has not protected you against your GM’s comments since you were 7.

If you don’t go, explain to your Mum why not.

You have fine brilliantly over the last 6 weeks and you deserve respect and support. I hope you are very proud of yourself

proseccoaficionado · 04/09/2019 07:46

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss, you rock!

I would go to that bloody family meal like you own the place. As soon as granny tells you anything about your weight tell her "I have actually lost a lot of weight and I plan to lose more and I am really PROUD. I won't discuss my weight with you or anyone any further".

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