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Original poster

How do you not get attached to family members’ partners?

28 replies

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 03/09/2019 20:55

Ok weird title but hopefully I can explain.

My DB has just introduced us to his new partner. They’ve been together about 6 months and it’s looking semi serious. She’s really really lovely!

However I’ve been here before. Last one was also lovely and my children (dd in particular) really liked her company and have really missed her since they split. It was amicable and they’ve stayed friends but obviously we don’t see her anymore.

Do you ever feel a bit sad? It’s clearly absolutely nothing to do with me and it’s not like I want to march them down the aisle, but they do become part of the family and especially when they’re nice, it seems a bit sad not to see them anymore.

I sound weird don’t I? Grin

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 03/09/2019 21:01

You do not sound weird. It's very nice to be friendly with the partners of relatives and friends. If they split up eventually, that's life. Your children will realise that soon enough.

Most importantly, you're not weird.

JustOneSquareofDarkChocolate · 03/09/2019 21:03

I still miss my ex boyfriend’s family - lovely parents, fun siblings. So I see where you’re coming from. They've told me that they miss me too!

mbosnz · 03/09/2019 21:05

Very. Very. EASILY.

TheYeaSayer · 03/09/2019 21:05

I was quite disappointed and sad when DD split with her partner. He was a lovely man, came on holiday with us, and the younger DC were fond of him.
It's not weird. We get attached to people who enter our lives.

DerbyshireOatcake · 03/09/2019 21:16

I get you! My ds has had some lovely girlfriends and I miss them!

MsTSwift · 03/09/2019 21:20

My dad has to go for a long walk on his own at night in December when my sister dumped her long term boyfriend. He had been part of our lives for 2 years was the first proper boyfriend and dad doesn’t have a son. When he got back he said “I’m never getting that close again”

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 03/09/2019 21:23

DD had one or two boyfriends I liked and was sad when they split. One, in particular had been part of out lives for five years. There’s nothing to be done though. It’s not our decision.

WooMaWang · 03/09/2019 21:27

I miss my ex in laws. I know they really miss me too. It’s hard in a decade long relationship not to get close. But that’s how it goes.

I keep in touch with ex MIL by sending the odd photo of DS. And she sends me photos of him if he’s visiting them. But it’s completely superficial but that’s how it has to be. Anything else would be unfair to my ex. He’s horrible, but they’re his parents.

pallisers · 03/09/2019 21:33

My Bil's first wife appears in a photo in a book I did for my eldest. One of his later girlfriends appears in the younger ones books - god they loved her so much. She was brilliant. BIl stays in touch with her from time to time and it is lovely to hear she is married and has children of her own now and a great career. He had a japanese girlfriend many years ago who gave me some lovely pieces of pottery - still think of her fondly when I use them (she was a bit of a termagent though to him).

Kit30 · 03/09/2019 21:37

Not weird. I'm still in touch with an ex-BF's mum and we meet up regularly. He was my first serious & long-term relationship. She (no DD) thought of me as her DIL; we really hit it off. It wasn't to be. We don't talk about him Grin. She's lovely and I have massive respect for her and what she's done in her life.

snozzlemaid · 03/09/2019 21:48

Ds recently split with his first long time girlfriend and I was surprised how hard it hit me.
She had become part of the family and I really liked her.
It's tough getting used to her not being around anymore.

Original poster
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 03/09/2019 21:52

Glad to see I’m not weird. It’s a funny one isn’t it?! I completely get that it’s nothing to do with me by the way, I’m not suggesting I’m the important one here but I definitely feel it.

OP posts:
motortroll · 03/09/2019 22:28

I split up with my ex in 2001. I still miss his mum! When I see her it's like seeing a great friend!

Dowser · 03/09/2019 22:37

Of course you do. You’re human
I’d be devastated to lose dil who’s been in the family 11 years and sil 25 years...eek
If their relationships with my children split up

TemporaryPermanent · 03/09/2019 22:46

Ive deliberately held back from falling for ds's lovely girlfriend as i knew she wouldn't be around forever, they're much too young. So god help me when he actually gets serious about someone. I think it's completely normal to feel loss if these people disappear.

There is the flip side of course that i never have to see a few past 'inlaws' again...

SleepyFlump · 03/09/2019 22:47

I was with my exh for over 20 years. His family were my family and are still my family. We might not see each other quite as regularly, but it's not far off.
He was with a new partner for 4 years and although they didn't marry, she and her DCs were effectively step family to my DCs. We all still see each other even though he left her two years ago!
You don't have to lose touch with the families after a break up if you don't want to.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 04/09/2019 04:12

I will never forget when I broke up with my long term partner I had known since childhood my mum said "but what about me? I love him too".

It was a terribly hard time of my life and all I needed was for my own mother to be there for me. All she did was bang on about what a nice guy he was and how he was part of the family.

raspberryk · 04/09/2019 04:22

I've still kept in touch with my brothers ex, no one has a problem with it. I still go out for coffee/ shopping with my ex mil because she was my family and closest to a mother figure for 12 years of my life. I've still visited ex grandparents with the children as I think it's important for the children and my feelings towards them didn't change.

katewhinesalot · 04/09/2019 04:31

I miss my ex bil still. It was really hard at the time. Yanbu

Toddlerteaplease · 04/09/2019 08:29

I'd be gutted if my sister spilt up with her partner. They are so right for each other and he's really nice. Though I do wish that we could go out for a family meal without inviting his mum. She's nice, but it completely changes the dynamic.

HalloumiFries · 04/09/2019 08:43

I was actually going to start a thread like this a few weeks ago but thought everyone would think I was just weird Grin

My older brother was married in his early twenties. He has been with his partner for a long time, I can't really remember my childhood without her in it, and he left her for another woman when I was 17 and they were 26. His ex was a huge part of my life - we got on brilliantly and I spent so much time with her as a teenager. We used to go out together at weekends and I would have sleepovers with her when my brother was away (supposedly on "hobby" trips but now I know he was sleeping around). I can pretty much trace everything about me now, over 20 years later, to her influence - the way I dress, my career, the music I like etc, but I haven't seen her for 20 years and I still miss her and think about her a lot. We did keep in touch for a while after my brother left her but she eventually said it was all too painful and she wanted a clean break and fresh start. I know my mum also misses her and often talks abut her too. It's such a strange thing when people become part of the family and then get broken away without real warning.

Original poster
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 04/09/2019 14:02

It’s nice to read all the lovely stories. As much as it’s sad to lose someone from your life like that, I think it’s preferable to not liking a new partner in the first place.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 04/09/2019 15:09

My great uncle died a hero aged 27 in the Second World War his fiancée always treated as part of our family 😥

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/09/2019 15:46

Given that Mumsnetters in general are marginally less fond of their mother-in-laws than Les Dawson was, it’s really nice to hear some positive stories!

My cousin almost got back with her first love a few years ago. We were all so excited as he’d been a big part of the family - but ultimately, it wasn’t to be. I think we were more disappointed than they were!

Another cousin’s wife made her ex-SIL a big part of the wedding. She’d lost her mother at a young age and her SIL, who was about 15 years older, became like a mother figure to her. It probably felt a bit odd for her brother to have his ex so involved, but it would have been even odder for the bride not to have her there.

DishingOutDone · 04/09/2019 16:20

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Top thread starter. I have stickered my DD's boyfriend and written "SiL of Dishing" in Sharpie on the soles of his feet.

He's like a ray of sunshine in our house when he comes to stay, he's so fucking lovely, its like a black hole when he's gone. I imagine I will compare everyone to him (I assume he's not going to be "the one" as they are only just 18 but I can dream .... maybe I can just adopt him anyway?)

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