Arsehole to my dh, but is it justified?

[miagerbies]

My dh is irritating me a lot lately. Let me start by saying he's a good person, and I love him. But he does these
.. Things that are so irritating.

For example, he was cleaning the kitchen the other day. I came in, and the strong smell almost knocked me out. He'd cleaned the whole room with air fresheners! When I asked him why on earth he just said that he thought all sprays did the same thing. Last night, he wanted to sit on a particular part of the lounge floor, but one of the kids toys was there. When I asked why he was just standing there, he said he couldn't sit down there because the toy. I said, quite snappy, "just move the damn toy and sit down!" (he had sit in that particular place because our gerbils were having play time there and we need to watch for escapees) then he made pizza, and bought my slice over on a filthy plate. Hadn't even noticed.

Is this stuff weird, or just typical man type stuff? Sometimes I can't keep the derision out of my voice and I see that I've hurt his feelings but it's constant with this kind of thing.

I find it endearing as my DP is the same.. but it’s very easy for it to wind you up eventually.
Not being an arsehole just trying to drum some common sense into him!
I’m lucky cause when it makes me snappy my DP gives a wee joke and cuddles me till I smile again so it passes quick most times.

The air freshener thing really cracked me up 😂

OMG - that would drive me round the bend.
You must feel like the mother of a ridiculous teenager...

Not a husband, but an ex of mines once spilt a drink and shouted out to tell me had done so. So I come in a few minutes later to find hes still standing there at the drink spill site which is now pooling on the floor. I looked at the massive brand new roll of Regina not even 4 feet away and look at him. I cleaned up but I knew from that moment there would be no love lost if we broke up. What an absolute mango!!! Good luck OP

Does he hold a job down? Is he professional at work? Make silly mistakes? I bet he’s very competent at his job and acting like a child around the house so you will mother him.

The bit with the toy was just weird. Wtf? Why couldn't he just pick up the toy and move it?

My DH can also be extremely lacking in common sense even though he is incredibly intelligent-sometimes I think he’s on the wind up so he doesn’t have to do a task again but mostly he doesn’t think things through

My husband has done similar. He stands there for ages until I ask him what's wrong and he tells me "I need to get by" or something similar. I've snapped at him to just tell me as I'm not a mind reader!

I asked him to put the washing out while I was at work and he put it out in the rain?! Lol.

I think it's a bloke thing tbh.

Good job I love the man as he makes up for it in many other ways :) I'm sure you're the same!

This is an interesting read too...

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

To be fair, most men today were never properly house trained by their mothers. I trained my brothers. Yes, while girls are raised and taught how to do laundry, how to iron without melting clothes, what cleaner to use where, how to cook...most boys are not taught this.
So they’ve grown up to be men. They now want to help out...and they try but often have these fails like what you describe. I mean my DH has done stuff like that..he once tried to hoover up a spill in the kitchen breaking it because he honestly thought a hoover could wet vac like the ones he’s used in workshops.

You do need to try and get a sense of humour about it because if his trying and fails are constantly mocked and you act like he is stupid & get angry, he will eventually stop helping out. He will not try to do house work any more because he is punished if it’s not perfect. The best way is to have a laugh and show him how it’s done. Then he can help out with confidence.

Yes, while girls are raised and taught how to do laundry, how to iron without melting clothes, what cleaner to use where, how to cook...most boys are not taught this.
So they’ve grown up to be men. They now want to help out...and they try but often have these fails like what you describe.

I'm sorry but this is bollocks. You don't need to be spoon-fed to work things out for yourself.

I'm sure at work they aren't told in minute detail how to do something, they're given a task and get on with it.

With cleaning, how hard is it to read the bottle before using it? (which you should do anyway so you don't damage the surface). With the toy being in the way, does a man really need his wife to tell him to move it so he can sit down????

Yes my mum taught me a few things, but I also learnt a lot myself and worked out a lot by living away from home by myself. And, you know, the internet is quite useful if you have questions...

Deliberate incompetence, nothing accidental

That’s really odd. Especially the not moving the toy thing....that’s almost like venturing into neurological issues...

It depends a lot on exactly whether your own behaviour is ever irritating or less than perfect imo. It’s not really on to hold others to standards you don’t meet yourself

Yeah, it’s definitely a bit weird OP. Assuming he’s in good physical and mental health, gormlessly standing there because a toy was in the place he wanted to sit is strange. A toddler would be able to work out that the toy needed to be moved. Would he go to work, find paperwork on his seat and wait until his boss came along and told him to move it before he sat down? If he made his boss a cup of tea, would he pick up a dirty mug and serve it to him in that? No. Of course he wouldn’t. So why does he want you to baby him? He’s either doing it because it’s some weird thing where he wants to be babied or because he thinks you’ll stop expecting him to pull his weight if he keeps messing it up.

This needs to stop. If it carries on, you’ll eventually get to the stage EmmiJay was at and once you’re feeling that your partner is pathetic, there’s no coming back from that. The next time he does something like that, tell him that you do not find having to ‘mother’ a grown man at all sexually attractive and if he carries on behaving like a helpless five year old, it’s only a matter of time before you start thinking of him as a helpless five year old.

He sounds like an idiot

I'd find this level of patheticness intolerable.
He only needs to read the instructions on kitchen sprays to know which is used for what task.
Only an idiot wouldn't think to move a toy that was in their way.
Only a dirty idiot would serve food on a dirty palte.

He is either phenomenally stupid or he's doing it on purpose so you run round after him. Or as a PP mentioned he thinks it is an endearing quality that will make him irresistable. I suspect it is the second - done deliberately to force you into doing things for him.

My neice has brain damage and she could easily complete the task you mention perfectly well.

I can't bear people who stand around waiting for others to direct them instead of using a bit of common sense. If he manages to hold down a job then his ineptitude at home is deliberate.
Ignore all the hurt looks - he is being an arsehole not you.

Has he had a stroke or something? Not being able to move an object and just standing there is extremely odd for a healthy adult.

A toddler would be able to work out that the toy needed to be moved. Would he go to work, find paperwork on his seat and wait until his boss came along and told him to move it before he sat down? If he made his boss a cup of tea, would he pick up a dirty mug and serve it to him in that? No. Of course he wouldn’t. So why does he want you to baby him? He’s either doing it because it’s some weird thing where he wants to be babied or because he thinks you’ll stop expecting him to pull his weight if he keeps messing it up.

All of this. It's deliberate so you'll get fed up and do it yourself. And the dirty plate is just nasty.

My DH seems to lose his wallet, keys, phone a few times a week. His desk is chaos. He makes mistakes in direction when leaving the house. Driving mistakes which I feel are dangerous. Forgets bags on airplanes. Passports etc. I actually find I get really really anxious about things falling apart around him and the misery of being late for something important because of carelessness. BUT his work is unbelievingly stressful. Often he works 7 days a week and till midnight every night. And this is the outcome. It upsets me even more because he beats himself up for every mistake or lost item. Making me even more anxious. When I preempt him making mistakes it makes him snap back because I know it makes him feel useless for me to tell him we’re turning right or checking he has his laptop leaving the house (have had to drop everything and drive it to him at least 10 times in the last few years).

If he wasn’t exhausted and damaged with stress, he’d be his old sharp self.

Endearing? Funny?
Are some of you on crack?
A grown man who I assume holds down a job, can’t read a label to see it’s an air freshener? Move a toy, use a clean plate?
This is deliberate stupidity, call him out every time, he’s being a dick, you’re not his mother.

I think it is just basic common sense some lack. Just a few of my dps delights:

Cutting crusty bread then brushing crumbs on floor that get trod all over the house.

Loading dishwasher so things don't clean.

Opening/closing windows, gloss cupboard doors, stainless steel fridge freezer doors etc with his greasy hands leaving marks.

Leaving a bath full of water.

Leaving a sink of rancid water and food debris.

Wiping a spill with the first thing he can find using his feet then dumping dirty cloth in front of washer😡

In fact putting all laundry in front of washer.

Leaving gate off the latch - we have a dog.

Leaving dirty tea spoon on worktop

So many things but his mother wiped his arse until the day he left home and he did nothing for himself. Now I'm dealing with a man child. Not that I'm resentful 🙄

@rainbow
I hope he cleans his mess up?
That’d drive me mad! Some of these man babies need booted squarely in the nuts to wake them up.

To be fair, most men today were never properly house trained by their mothers

By their MOTHERS??
I beg your pardon? Don't you mean their FATHERS? Why the fuck is it only a mothers role to train kids to do houeswork?
I'm fucking SICK of women getting the blame for this. Maybe if boys saw their FATHERS clean properly they would realise it's also their job!
Sorry but I've just had enough of reading that over and over. And women just accept the bloody blame! Grrr.

Oh, and if he can't move a toy off the floor OP I'd be sending him for a brain scan.
How does he hold down a job?!

Endearing? Fucking hell. I hope these people aren’t raising children.

He gave you a dirty plate because he didn’t care that it was dirty. Like someone else said, if it was his boss, he’d have checked if the plate was clean. He’s presenting you with the level of respect he has for you. “That’s dirty, take it back and get me a clean one please”

The air fresheners- he just couldn’t be arsed to find the right spray. He grabbed the closest one. Tell him- A job half done isn’t done. You make him go back and do it all properly with the right spray. And he really should be doing more cleaning if he doesn’t know which spray cleans the kitchen.

The toy? Fuck knows. Was he waiting for you to move it?