Arsehole to my dh, but is it justified?

[miagerbies]

My dh is irritating me a lot lately. Let me start by saying he's a good person, and I love him. But he does these
.. Things that are so irritating.

For example, he was cleaning the kitchen the other day. I came in, and the strong smell almost knocked me out. He'd cleaned the whole room with air fresheners! When I asked him why on earth he just said that he thought all sprays did the same thing. Last night, he wanted to sit on a particular part of the lounge floor, but one of the kids toys was there. When I asked why he was just standing there, he said he couldn't sit down there because the toy. I said, quite snappy, "just move the damn toy and sit down!" (he had sit in that particular place because our gerbils were having play time there and we need to watch for escapees) then he made pizza, and bought my slice over on a filthy plate. Hadn't even noticed.

Is this stuff weird, or just typical man type stuff? Sometimes I can't keep the derision out of my voice and I see that I've hurt his feelings but it's constant with this kind of thing.

Can we stop blaming their mothers? These are adult men with a functioning brain!
My DP lost his DM young and is one of the tidiest,cleanest men I know because he’s got an active brain cell(s) and can see what needs done!
Here on MN we see the infantilising of kids every day; never expecting them to do chores, never leaving them for an hour until they’re 16, raise capable independent resilient children not pampered coddled babies or we will have another generation of hopeless men waiting on mummy.

RainbowCrashes That list has nothing to do with commonsense. It has everything to do with disrespect and entitlement.

I have been on a thread recently where an incompetent husband actually had ADD - and really struggled to stay focused on any one task in order to complete it. Mind you I think being a lazy bastard is more likely, but some people do struggle with life more than others.

It's hard to bring boys up to do housework when what they really need to see if their dad doing it, no fuss no bother. It's hard to break the cycle of generations of sexism.

There are two things going on, I think.
One is that 'women's work' must be easy- why read the label, they all do the same thing, women just like a range of pretty bottles and smells'. 'Paid work' obviously needs thought and attention as it's serious stuff.

The other may be an underlying processing disorder, perhaps he inflexible in new situations/transitions.

Humour goes a long way.
'Ooh pizza, great. Can I have my slice in a clean plate, please?'
You can't sit down? That's a tricky one. How are you gonna fix it?

It's not much effort once you get into the swing of it, and he'll get better with time. Don't believe it, he'll just find all new ways to be daft.

Actually bookworm there's evidence to suggest that men who have grown up without mothers around are much better at taking charge of housework, precisely because they grew up seeing their father do it. Also because men raising children alone are better at delegating tasks to children-they expect help, we often don't.

The only man I ever knew who took on the mental load of housework had lived with only his dad from age 8 or so.

When I asked why he was just standing there, he said he couldn't sit down there because the toy.

Should have said " Oh dear , that is a problem. I wonder what you will do about it! Then do whatever you were doing before until he works out what to do!

Well there’s no dad in this house (or their lives) but my boys know they do their chores and they do them properly the first time or they’ll be sent back to do it again. One is lazy and will try and get away with as little as possible. Very frustrating. Doesn’t matter- he gets sent back every time. I (female) was made to do no chores growing up. My mum did everything for us all (and worked full time) I was very lazy too as a child. (Still am tbh) when I had my own house I had to learn it all, I didn’t know how to cook pasta FGS! Everyone has to learn to look after their own house. Male female- everyone. Even us lazy people. Just get it done. It’s your job as an adult to maintain your own environment. Even if you share it with other adults. It doesn’t become their job to wipe your arse.

My 'D'P is similar, if he does miraculously bother to 'help' me he just creates more work for me to clean up his mess, and it is one of the many factors that killed any positive feelings I had for him. It is pure disrespect, not incompetence, it is deliberate and calculated so that they don't get asked to do the demeaning 'women's work' again. The problem is they often wait until you are tied down with DC/mortgage until they show their true colours. No amount of talking has solved the issue for me, just more empty promises. I'm saving up to leave.

If not, my dp doesn't have a father.

typical man type stuff

Well knock that ridiculous idea on the head for a start

There are no typical men and no typical women. If you’ve got a problem with him then address it, with him.

I'm saving up to leave.

Well done! In the meantime- don’t do anything for him. Cook for yourself and DC, wash for yourself and Dc.

If a grown man is acting like a fool, its his own issue - please do not blame his mother! Women blaming other women for men being incompetent, on 'MUMS'net of all places

Blaming mothers is fucking sexist. And excuses their laziness. What about their fathers or, shock horror, their own initiative?

OP, some of that sounds incompetent. Some sounds a bit weird.

He’s got used to other people (you) doing things for him. Consciously or unconsciously he does a piss poor job of something and then doesn’t have to do it again but he can say that at least he tried.

My DH takes nappy bags down the stairs and then leaves them next to the nappy bin. Why??????

I can partly blame his mother. She did everything for him. My son will not be the same.

I can partly blame his mother. She did everything for him. My son will not be the same.

My DH’s mother did everything for him. She would shoo him out of the kitchen and take over if he tried to clean anything up. He does his fair share of the housework now because his mother didn’t damage his eyesight while she was doing all of that cleaning for him, so he can see when things need cleaning and tidying, he’s not a child, it’s his house too, he doesn’t think that I enjoy cleaning or that it comes easily to me because I’m a woman and, most importantly, he’s not a lazy man child.

It’s a generational thing. IF you go back to our parents generation, only the girls were expected to do housework and so were raised accordingly. That’s why you have women complaining about husbands who do nothing around the house.
I wasn’t blaming the mothers per se but all of society and how it HAS BEEN SEXIST in the way girls and boys were raised.
There are men today who were not raised by more modern, feminist women and were taught nothing about housework and fed the expectation that a woman would’ve do it for him. So manu men today have to overcome this.
To deny this exists doesn’t make sense to me. I saw it growing up in the 70,80,90s that boys and girls WERE socialised differently. I was put in home economics classes learning cooking, cleaning and sewing because I was a girl while the boys were put in woodshop, metalshop and car maintenance class.
Times are changing but today’s men were raised in transition.

This is just odd. Why didn't he read the label on the cleaning products? Why can't he think - hmm I need to sit there so I need to move that toy?

Why not notice a dirty plate?

Because he can't be arsed, that's why. It's nothing to do with gender. Get him to use his common sense!

Your post on page 1 is a joke isn't it DoomsdayCult? Please tell me it's a joke.

Also, I would just point out that my husband doesn't "help me out" when he does housework. He is contributing to the upkeep of the house we live in. The housework isn't my job that he kindly assists me with. I mean, really?!

Why is acceptable to let men off the hook for not recognising that they cannot do basic household tasks? They have brains and can (most of them) read instructions.

I had an ex that behaved like this. The 'nowhere to sit' stunt was regularly pulled because it was his way of saying its untidy. Fucking move the stuff then.

Ah thanks so much for the advice!

ADD is definitely a possibility. He has 3 dc, my dsc, a girl and 2 boys. Both the boys have a diagnosis, dss1 has Asburgers syndrome, and dss2 has ADHD. I guess it would stand to reason that dh has something like that?

However as a pp said, acting like his mother is not sexually attractive at all, so I need to nip this in the bud before it gets worse.

I posted something kind of similar on Facebook last night (secret group. I needed a vent!) it’s like my husband delegates any sort of thinking to me and it’s exhausting. I’ve had words before, it gets better for a bit - but the last time was around 6 months ago, actually I don’t like getting upset to the point of tears before he’ll take some responsibility for his own behaviour.

I’m going to suggest Relate.

"I can partly blame his mother. She did everything for him. My son will not be the same."

Makes you wonder how Women manage to teach themselves, car maintenance, heavy gardening, DIY, decorating etc. Or even driving for my generation.

Or do we just blame our dads as to why we are incompetent?

Mild to moderate SN etc really doesn't make that much of a difference, if you give a shit, that is.

Or are we saying that people with these conditions can't work?

It's about respecting your Partner (my eldest DD (ADHD/Dyslexia) had to commit to teaching herself to remember keys, so her DP didn't have to keep coming out of work to let her in the house. Likewise important paperwork).

Also wanting to do it. Which is why so many people with ASD etc learn to fake parts of life, so they fit better in work.

My two children and their peers needed SEN provision, but all function at a much higher level than is expected from Men on here.