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Original poster

Unbaring grandparents

34 replies

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 21:40

Hi I'm new here, I just wanting to ask people's opinions.
I just had my daughter (premature) and me and my partner have just got a new place. His parents are starting to get a bit overbearing and it's starting to worry me.
His parents are constantly trying to play mummy and daddy to her and refusing to give her back when we want to hold her eg if she's fussy. They get mad when she sits next to us during dinner and not them. I feel his mum is becoming more unstable with mental health from circumstances. But other day she told my newborn randomly that if anyone tries to take her away she will kill them. They feel as if we're preventing them from seeing our daughter and call us selfish when we want to spend the day as a family. They tell us how to raise her and that we shouldn't listen to the health visitors so much and get mad when we don't agree with something. They don't listen when we tell them not to do something such as co sleeping.. and they keep making jokes about social services about me and my partner being "too rough" with our daughter when we're not. Any ideas on what we should do or any opinions?? I'm really struggling and scared they will try and take my daughter away from me.

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 02/09/2019 21:43

They are utterly out of order and sound quite mad. You must both be clear with them that they are taking over and stepping way out of line. Stay firm.

RaininSummer · 02/09/2019 21:46

Also, assuming you are going to continue to see them, set a weekly time for a visit. That is plenty as you have your own lives to live in your little family.

Autumnintheair · 02/09/2019 21:47

Op sadly it's nothing new. Millions of rational normal gp are out there but there are a few who seem to react like this.
Slowly phase out the time with them.

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JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 02/09/2019 21:48

Sorry, are you letting them cosleep with your daughter?

Soola · 02/09/2019 21:49

Are you very young?
What does your husband say to his parents?
Why do you feel intimidated by them?
Is religion or a different culture involved whereby extended family such as grandparents are traditionally in charge of the whole family?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 02/09/2019 21:49

Do you live with them?

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 02/09/2019 21:50

They sound unhinged. Don’t invite them over. Be assertive and take back control. Make sure your partner is on board and set some firm boundaries!

Original poster

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 21:50

Thank you for replying,
We usually see them once a week and if not they get quite mad and act like we're preventing them from seeing DD. And if we don't see them they come to our door unannounced. It's been 2s just within this week. We tell them to call but they don't listen and think we're being unreasonable

OP posts:

Original poster

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 21:51

No we have moved out before baby was born.

OP posts:

Halo1234 · 02/09/2019 21:52

Be firm. She is your daughter. The social services threat is a disgusting thing to say to anyone, even as a joke. And is even more horrible to say to the mother of your new grandbaby who you are ment to love and want the best for. Obviously there is no actual threat behind it a. Because she wont actually do it. She is just being rude. And b because social service wouldnt be interested anyway. Love your daughter (as I am sure u do) and dont let her take away for the precious time with her being so little. Dont take the bait and cause an arguement. Just be calm and assertive without being insulting or angry. "No she is sitting beside me". "If you dont give her back I will ask u to leave" "please dont joke about reporting us to social services I dont think it is funny". Stay calm it will annoy them more if they are trying to pick a fight and cant. Also dont make your oh pick between u and them...they dont deserve to have the power to come between u. Stay polite and firm.

Original poster

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 21:53

I'm 22 and my partner is 24. We keep telling them how we feel but they don't seem to care or listen. They are very controling and we are starting to think we need to step away from them now.

OP posts:

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 02/09/2019 21:53

In that situation I just wouldn’t answer the door. Don’t be afraid to be assertive (even rude if you need to be). You’re the Mum and you have full control over who you choose to spend time with.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 02/09/2019 21:53

You need to get rude with them. Don’t worry about causing a scene or falling out with them, you need the break from them tbh.

Tell them very firmly that they are being overbearing and they need to back off and only come over when invited.

Soola · 02/09/2019 21:53

Don’t answer the door.

Original poster

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 21:54

No were keep telling them off but not listening. It's got to the point we're we can't leave her out of the room. If was when me and my partner went out for dinner.

OP posts:

Halo1234 · 02/09/2019 21:56

Sorry just read my message back and it doesn't read as it did in my head. I didnt mean anything bad when I said love your daughter......of course u do. I just ment dont let them make u stressed and annoyed and take away from your time bounding loving and enjoying her. Sometimes when I feel angry and annoyed at someone I find it hard to be in the moment and enjoy what I am doing if that makes sense.

AllFourOfThem · 02/09/2019 21:57

How old is your daughter? You call her a newborn but imply she is staying the night with her grandparents and you are out in the evening.

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 02/09/2019 21:58

How old is your daughter? I would stop using them for childcare or allowing them to babysit.

Amelino19 · 02/09/2019 21:58

You have to be honest and firm with them. The best would probably be to speak with them with your DP. It is your DD you are her mom and you can decide how you want to rise her. If conversation with them won’t help I would restrict their visits. But most importantly don’t feel that you have to do something because their are her grandparents. They have to accept your rules if they want to see your DD. And although it is easier to say than do I believe that once you will do it you’ll feel relieved. Probably not straight after but it will be worth it.

Original poster

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 21:59

I'm trying to be calm about the matter as it's still his parents. I can tell it's upsetting him also of how they are being. They even told him they want family time but he doesn't need to be there just my little girl. I think your right if I react it canake things worse. Just need to be firm and lay down rules I think.

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Urskeks · 02/09/2019 21:59

Please write down every single threat they've made to you personally and that they've said to your baby within your hearing.

I would genuinely want to consider a court order to have them forced to stay a certain distance from your home, if once they're told one visit on X day for X time once a week doesn't go down well.

Grey rock. Be assertive. If it blows up and they won't hand back your baby, wont leave your home, make threats, then call 101 and ask for help removing someone from your home.

No, I don't think that's too far, your MIL has made a vulgar threat to kill anyone who tries to keep your baby from her. She sounds unhinged.

Original poster

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 22:00

My daughter is a few months old and has never slept over at anyones. I meant me and my partner went for dinner. It was for a few hours that's it.

OP posts:

Original poster

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 22:04

I have started to write down everything that has been said as I honestly think it will be taken further. I'm going to also speak to my health visitor about options and what the right step might be as I think it will lead to preventing them from seeing her

OP posts:

Original poster

nickynoo1997 · 02/09/2019 22:06

I am not using his parents as childcare. I allowed them to look after her for a few hours to go to dinner with my partner. Then I found out she co slept with her and that was it I haven't allowed my daughter out of my sight whenever they are around her.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 02/09/2019 22:15

stop all contact... stop being accommodating they are taking the piss..
take back your boundaries. .. this is your child FFS

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