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Original poster

Twins - one going to uni, one looking for a job - I'm worried I'm being unfair re: finances

33 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/09/2019 08:00

DT1 has chosen to stay in education and will be off to uni in the next couple of weeks, living away from home. DT2 has decided that uni isn't for her and she's looking for a job - has applied for lots but not had much success yet.

Both DH and I have been quite vocal about how she now needs to earn money, pay for her mobile etc and we won't be paying for fun things for her, if she doesn't earn, then she doesn't go out/on holiday etc.

However, yesterday it occurred to me that we've spent quite a bit on DT1, buying her stuff for her new room, we will also need to top up her maintenance loan as she has only received the minimum which doesn't even cover her accommodation. Grandparents have also said they'd give her a monthly allowance. Now I know she needs this to live in her uni accommodation and eat, but there will also be some left over for her to go out and meet new friends/enjoy herself, so it seems like we're allowing her that but not her sister. DT1 will also get a part time job when she's settled in, and we'll reduce what we give her.

If DT2 has chosen that route we have obv done exactly the same but she hasn't - DH says she has much more opportunity to earn money, which is true, but somehow it doesn't sit right with me at the moment. If they'd been a couple of years apart we wouldn't have had this dilemma.

I'm worried that giving DT2 money would give her less incentive to job hunt, but is this fair. I would appreciate opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/09/2019 08:01

Re: the holiday comment - I mean holidays with friends, we will still pay for both of them to join us for holidays if they want to.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 02/09/2019 08:07

You need to assure DT2 that if she ever changes her mind and goes back into education/training, she will receive the same level of support as DT1. DItto a first kitting-out shopping trip when she moves away.

In the mean time, work out what is fair - is she trying as hard as she can to job hunt? If so, then it's not her fault if nothing has come up. So consider some support. So not expecting her to pay her keep when not working (as you appear to be doing) seems very sensible, though I would probably include phone in that.

Up to you whether you provide pocket money on top of that. What support do you intend to offer DT2 during the long vacation?

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/09/2019 08:07

I think what you are doing is fair, I would just make sure your daughter knows that she will get the same if she chooses to study. Maybe take her shopping and get her an outfit to wear to interviews if you are worried she will feel left out.

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Families
Reluctantbettlynch · 02/09/2019 08:10

Presumably she will remain living at home though, so you are funding her in that respect? Also, she may move out when she's got a job sorted and you can help her then in same way as you have dt1

stucknoue · 02/09/2019 08:14

I would suggest putting her "rent" into a savings account for her but also let her know that you will support her through university at a later date if she wants to go.

ScoobyCan · 02/09/2019 08:15

@BigSandyBalls2015, can you afford to put aside the same sort of amounts for DT2 as you've spent on DT1, so that in time, when she does get a job and starts becoming more financially independent / needs a car / a deposit / wants to go on a training course or such like, you can offer it to her?

My parents were always very fair between the siblings and had a sort of "tally" they kept a record of so nobody felt left out - if dad filled my petrol tank up, mum would arrive at my sisters with a couple of bags of shopping for example.

Newmumma83 · 02/09/2019 08:16

It’s not unfair as long as dd2 has a room at yours you can’t pay for her to have fun.

I went to uni ( for a year anyhow ) commuted And worked weekends ... and mum and dad paid fees ( a lot
Less in my day) and bus travel
So my money was for books and fun and lunch .

The day I quit I needed a full time position and to pay board ... which I had no problem with.

Maybe pay for a few nice things for her room at yours if you want but no
Obligation to pay her a salary until
She works x x

modgepodge · 02/09/2019 08:21

My brother (younger than me) complained to my dad that he gave me hundreds of pounds each month for my rent while I was at uni - I think he felt he should be given the same while he lived at home and worked (he didn’t go). My dad pointed out that he was putting a roof over my head - and he did the same for my brother, albeit in the family home so it didn’t cost him (much) extra. My bother also got free food so actually did better!!

You’re putting a roof over your daughter’s head at uni. You’re putting a roof over your daughters head at home. Your uni daughter is taking out a student loan to feed herself and go out and have fun. Your home daughter needs to find a way of funding her going out and having fun. I imagine you’re feeding the daughter at home too so arguably she’s doing better?!

That’s how I’d look at it anyway! As others have said, as long as she knows she had the option to move away for uni and have this level of support, and still would in the future (within reason, I don’t think you should expect to fund her if she goes at 35!), I think it’s fair.

Lidlfix · 02/09/2019 08:22

I am a twin. At 17 my DT went to uni and I started (training scheme so really poorly paid) work. Yep she got rent paid, help with locusts of living but always worked part time and full time in the summer. It never occurred to me to consider if it was fair . At times she was earning more than me in her part time work but still got help whereas I had made the decision to work. I did return to education starting an access course with 4 young DDs , I graduated with a first at 36 - I didn't expect my then pensioner parents to support me Grin

chocatoo · 02/09/2019 08:23

I think you need to chat to her and make sure she knows that when she moves into her first flat etc that you will help her to get set up in the same way that you are for her sister, or that if she decides to further her education she will receive the same support. In the meantime I would maybe give her a small sum to treat herself to something in recognition of the fact that her sister has had lots of things recently.

NoSquirrels · 02/09/2019 08:24

DT1 has to pay for accommodation bills and food etc. DT2 is (presumably) not paying this at the moment. Equally DT2 has access to everything she needs at home whereas DT1 needed ‘kitting out’ because they wouldn’t have access to stuff away from home.

As others have said, it’s important you treat them fairly so definitely assure DT2 you’ll pay for training or education or things needed to access a better job (could be a car needed to commute etc). In terms of board I wouldn’t charge, or would charge and save it for her - transparently, explaining it will be better for her not to get used to her whole salary being disposable income and she can have the savings back when she’s ready to move out.

MudDog · 02/09/2019 08:27

Okay so this all depends.
Basically you are topping up DT1 money so she has enough to pay rent and buy food. Will you be charging DT2 for rent while DT1 gets hers paid and has enough to go out? If not I think that's fair enough as long as DT2 knows she will get the same if she goes to uni.

Are both twins getting an allowance from Grandma?
That bit is the only bit which would annoy me if not.

AJPTaylor · 02/09/2019 08:35

In my experience it evens out. We paid all the usual stuff for uni for dd1.
Dd2 didn't go but we paid a deposit for her and bf when she moved out. Lent/given money when she was short, have some money aside for a car for her and will help out with professional exams etc in the future if she needs it.

trilbydoll · 02/09/2019 08:41

My sister went to uni and I didn't. My parents let me live at home rent free until I moved out, and my dad bought me a second hand car (about £3k I think) - I don't know how the actual money works out, my sister probably got more cash, but I feel they were as fair as they could be.

I was a trainee accountant and my dad took me to the station at 6.30am for all my college days as well, even after I'd moved out Grin

Stuckforthefourthtime · 02/09/2019 09:05

Like others say it evens out. It also depends a bit on whether you want to invest/support dt2s choices - of course uni isn't for everyone but it's a very hard market out there for someone without any kind of further training, whether on the job or not. Personally I'd help to fund a second child through an apprenticeship or starting training in a job, but be less keen otherwise. My sister got money and lived at home (in a village where we'll paying jobs are hard to come by, without an expensive commute into the nearest city) while she went through various retail and waitressing jobs and quit when the going got hard, as she never had to worry about paying the rent. At the time we were a bit envious but now I feel like actually she was the one who lost out, it's made her adult life harder than if she'd got a qualification or helpful experience when young.

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/09/2019 18:11

Thanks all interesting to get different views.
Granny isn’t giving DT2 any allowance.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/09/2019 18:17

It can be interesting to keep a record of what you spend on each child. The difference can be shocking.

Personally in your situation I would put away the same for your other daughter - every time you help out your student daughter, put the same in the bank for your other daughter.

It's discrimination, otherwise, isn't it? Why should one benefit because she has an academic mind?

thunderthighsohwoe · 02/09/2019 18:31

It was made very clear to my siblings and I that parental support would be full on while in full time education; car insurance/tax, phone bills, clothing/essentials, topping up of student loans to ensure that we didn’t have to take PT jobs and could focus on our studies. If we chose not to continue in education, we would have to pay rent (parents would save this and give it back to us for part of a house deposit) and fund everything ourselves, because the whole point of supporting us was so that we could improve our employment chances later on. Maybe an old fashioned view, but my dad is a working class grammar school success story, and just can’t contemplate why anyone who is able to wouldn’t want to get the best education they could.

I think that was perfectly fair - though my dad did shoot himself in the foot there as all four of us went to uni and I did an extra year PGCE!

Ornery · 02/09/2019 18:41

We are wrestling with this currently. Not twins but dd1 going into third year and ds intending to work. Our intention was to charge ds rent as he is earning once summer hols over, but it has struck me that we are providing way more for dd1. We have more kids too and trying to even this stuff out as they all change their minds about what they are doing is only going to get harder... (dd1 works ft each summer and we top up. No loans so far).

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 02/09/2019 19:54

How about putting the same aside for DT2 but keeping it in a savings account? They could be given it when they need it for education in the future or towards a house deposit or other large life expense. I would encourage Granny to do the same. DT2 doesn’t need to know about this for now but I think they need the message that the same expenses would be met for them if they go onto future education.

Becles · 02/09/2019 20:03

Has DT2 registered with an agency like Reed or office angel?

lljkk · 02/09/2019 20:05

I reckon that we will sink £80k on DD's education.
I want to give DS something similar to help him buy 1st property.

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/09/2019 20:52

But then DT1 ends up with a massive debt at the start of her career and DT2 gets a massive helping hand with property, no debt and earning money.

OP posts:
lljkk · 02/09/2019 21:40

Do you want to make sure your DT2 gets massive debt in order to make things 'fair' ?

Flicketyflack · 02/09/2019 21:56

If you want to 'fair' financially put aside the same for both.

However equality is not simply giving people the same.

Some children need financial support, others need more emotional guidance.

Why don't you talk to them both together and see what their views are?

You may be surprised?Smile

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