Twins - one going to uni, one looking for a job - I'm worried I'm being unfair re: finances

[BigSandyBalls2015]

DT1 has chosen to stay in education and will be off to uni in the next couple of weeks, living away from home. DT2 has decided that uni isn't for her and she's looking for a job - has applied for lots but not had much success yet.

Both DH and I have been quite vocal about how she now needs to earn money, pay for her mobile etc and we won't be paying for fun things for her, if she doesn't earn, then she doesn't go out/on holiday etc.

However, yesterday it occurred to me that we've spent quite a bit on DT1, buying her stuff for her new room, we will also need to top up her maintenance loan as she has only received the minimum which doesn't even cover her accommodation. Grandparents have also said they'd give her a monthly allowance. Now I know she needs this to live in her uni accommodation and eat, but there will also be some left over for her to go out and meet new friends/enjoy herself, so it seems like we're allowing her that but not her sister. DT1 will also get a part time job when she's settled in, and we'll reduce what we give her.

If DT2 has chosen that route we have obv done exactly the same but she hasn't - DH says she has much more opportunity to earn money, which is true, but somehow it doesn't sit right with me at the moment. If they'd been a couple of years apart we wouldn't have had this dilemma.

I'm worried that giving DT2 money would give her less incentive to job hunt, but is this fair. I would appreciate opinions.

I'm not sure you can be totally fair here.

If you continue giving to dt1 and not to dt2 they could end up very much feeling that you care less about them.
If you give to dt2 as well, then she may end up wasting the money and not bothering with a job.

Either could end up resenting the other and feeling you're playing favourites.
"I went off to university, and got a job and worked hard, and dt2 just stayed at home and dp did everything for them."
"Because I didn't feel uni was right for me, dp gave me nothing, they never treated me as well as dt1".

Is there something that would be useful to dt2 now that would be less useful to dt1 currently?
eg. What about if you told dt2 that if she gets a job you will get her a car (and pay for insurance/maintenance, but she has to pay for petrol) and during the holidays when she doesn't need it for work, dt1 shares it?

Are they mature enough to sit them down and discuss it? Get an agreement between them. That only works if they get on well, and want to support the other, are mature enough to understand things can be fair but not equal. It also will only work if both of them feel that they can say if they're not happy, and they won't feel under pressure just to agree with you or the other one.

In theory dd1's degree should increase her earning power enough to compensate for any money you give dd2. If she's not expecting that to be the case, she's choosing to pursue an expensive luxury and that's inevitably going to have financial consequences.

I'm aware it isn't that simple but uni is so expensive now I think a bit of value for money / what's the plan at the end type questions do need to be considered.

Equal doesn't mean the same.
I deliver training in equality and this is the most important message to ensure understanding.

Equality is about levelling the starting point.

If there is a four foot 6 inch fence and 3 people want to see over it. One is 3ft tall, one four foot tall and one five foot tall. Would you give them each a 1 foot step up.

Making sure, when you can, that needs are met is very different from meeting their wants, it is up to you as parents to decide which are the needs you want to help them meet as they get older. Some parents can't afford to meet any but basic needs, if that. Some can do more. BUT remember equal does not mean the same.

I think it is fair to only support your child who is in full time education. However, as a pp said, make sure DT2 knows they will get the same level of support if they go back in the future. My mum paid for everything for my sibling but absolutely nothing for me, I have been self sufficient since 18 (and have more qualifications than my sibling) At least I don’t feel like I owe my mother anything, she’s a difficult person and I am glad I did it alone.

I am 41 my sister is 3 years younger. I think we all know that she has had more financial assistance from our parents than I have over the years. None of us cares, well I don't.

We are a close family. My parents know us. They help us both in different ways (they take me to hospital appointments and have done for years) and know that we both need them (still 🙄) in different ways and have no worries about how we feel about what support the other gets. The same as we both support our parents in different ways and will continue to do so.

I'm sure you will have an idea of how your DT who is staying at home with you feels, maybe a little time together and a small shopping trip for you both once her sister has moved away would be nice for you both if they are close, she might miss her. If not then an opportunity for you to form a new bond with your job hunting daughter xx

My DB went to uni I didn't. My parents gave him an allowance and kept a sainsburys card topped up with cash for his food shop (it was a 2 card system thing, they put money in, he spent it) as there was a store at the end of his road.
When I moved out they helped me by buying stuff for my flat, I've just had a baby, their first grandchild and they buy bits and pieces for him. I actually spoke to mum about this today as she paid for my shopping and I was trying to argue. She told me
"children do different things with their lives, you only want them to be happy so you support them where you can and how they need it"

In theory dd1's degree should increase her earning power enough to compensate for any money you give dd2

Except that she'll also have a large debt. And dd2 may then choose to study later and get help from family then too. Like others say, I don't think you can always do £ for £ equality, sometimes it's about being fair and about giving the right incentives.

So... to obviate the debt, this is what OP should do:

Pay entirety of Uni-twin's costs (tuition & living costs) during Uni yrs. Then Uni-twin has no debts.

Set aside same amount for not-Uni-twin. And gift it in a way they approve of how it gets spent.

Assuming OP could afford that, would that make everything fair?
If not, Why not?