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Original poster

Wwyd, go and carers

27 replies

Wwydpooh · 02/09/2019 00:00

Name changed as outing.

DPs grandad became unwell earlier this year and has not returned to full health. He now needs support for lots of tasks of daily living but remains largely independent.

MIL helps him with what is too much for him. This includes cleaning, most laundry, batch cooking, shopping, paying bills/ making large purchases. He needs support at least twice a week, which is the most MIL can commit to.

He doesn't want a cleaner or carers. MIL begrudgingly supports him but has her own needs. Early next year PIL are going on a once in a lifetime extended holiday. PIL have asked that we (DH actually but it affects us all) and DSIL to take over the support. DH has said no. DSIL has said she'll do some but lives 2+ hours away and travels extensively for work, often at short notice.

We live 2+ hours away, have 2 small children and both work full time. We only have 1 car.

I've suggested that we sit down with PIL & SIL to come up with a plan to explain to grandad that between now and then he will need to find alternative support, as whilst we will do some support (online shop for example) we (us and SIL) won't be able to visit more than once a fortnight.

Does this seem really mean? MIL has said many times she cannot continue to provide the support she does due to her health needs and all other family is at distance. For us to provide additional support it would involve a 5hour round trip, or DH (or me) taking the car and going alone.

We are happy to phone daily, do online shops, visit fortnightly but cannot commit to more.

Grandad has money, has capacity and does not need to or want to go in a home. He knows he needs some support but doesn't want to face it. We feel that by doing it in advance of the trip he can make an informed decision about living with minimal support or getting paid help, and we have time should he want the paid help to help him find people he trusts and does a good job.

Are we being awful? Wwyd?

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 02/09/2019 07:10

No, you’re not being awful, you’re being realistic. The holiday is a perfect time for your Grandad to face up to the situation and sorry, but to stop being so selfish. It’s not fair on other people and he needs to adapt.

Digestive28 · 02/09/2019 07:13

It seems a bit mean. She is asking for respite care from you for a holiday which is reasonable and you are using it as blackmail to force her to get care which she is not ready to do for whatever reason

Aramox · 02/09/2019 07:18

Totally reasonable. Get agency care in while she’s away and then maybe it can be continued. It’s not up to the person in need to decide they don’t want external support when they need it, unless they want to cope alone- you presumably have your own obligations.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's
TitianaTitsling · 02/09/2019 07:19

Why is it mean? The care is needed so if it has to be paid for it has to be paid for! I don't understand why it's acceptable for family to be run ragged (5hr trips?!) For something that can easily be provided by a local company.

TitianaTitsling · 02/09/2019 07:20

And by paid for I don't mean family the person in need should pay!

StrongTea · 02/09/2019 07:22

Very difficult, but sensible to put plans in place now. You aren’t being mean, just practical.

saraclara · 02/09/2019 07:23

I'd be very wary of causing any sort of problem that would lead to your MIL cancelling the trip. But if you think everyone is able to maintain a warm, caring atmosphere in the family meeting, then you could try. But you need to have all the facts and information to your fingertips, so do plenty of research first.

Importantly, don't bully him. No-one must get angry. He's more likely to come round if you're confident but caring and empathetic. Make it clear that this is just for the duration of the holiday, otherwise he'll dig his heels on out of fear that this is his future forever.
(Of course at some point it might be, but this isn't the time to broach that. Your MIL just needs to be able to get away on that much deserved trip)

EdithWeston · 02/09/2019 07:26

I think you are right to see this as a pin opportunity for change.

But for heaven's sake don't overplay your hand.

Family relations will not recover if PILs feel they have to curtail or even cancel their holiday ecause no adequate care in inplace.

GetOffMyBongos · 02/09/2019 07:29

OP.
I've been in the exact same situation with my in laws. In the end, the situation became so serious that it caused my lovely mum-in-law to have a stroke, which left no option then but for them both to go into a home.
Looking back, we wished that we had been firmer with my dad-in-law and taken the decision out of his hands by saying, this is what's happening, either you accept that or you go into full time care.
Sadly it's too late for that option now, however, when it comes to my own parents, if I'm faced with the same situation, then that's the stance I will be taking with them.
Don't let your situation end up in my situation OP. You have to be firm and clear. There is no shame in having a carer or accepting help. Enquire about him going into respite care for the duration of the holiday too.

AmIThough · 02/09/2019 07:31

I think DH's GF is being unreasonable by expecting full time care.
MIL needs to talk to him about getting carers in - that's her call to make if she's struggling.

When you say extended holiday, how extended? If for 4 weeks, for example, could
DH and SIL both take two weeks off from work?
Not ideal I know but you don't want to ruin PIL's holiday.

Alternatively, speak to MIL about asking SS for respite care while they're away.

WrongKindOfFace · 02/09/2019 07:31

It’s not feasible for people who live over two hours away to provide regular care. And that’s without small children, travel for work, limited access to a car etc. He needs to accept he either accepts help at home form a third party or he’ll have to go into a home for respite whilst she’s away.

Trumpton · 02/09/2019 07:39

We have similar position with MIL.
I have been doing the twice daily phone calls, the weekly trip to M&S , the hairdresser, online food shop, cleaning , bed changing , podriatist, dietician, doctors appointments .
DH is semi retired and has started to have more time to help.

We tried an agency to cover 1 hour a day ( with longer on certain days to allow for hairdressers and trip out ) that worked well the first time but when we booked the second time it was not so good with times being moved or cut short and different carers being sent each time.

Our solution was to find a local “ friend” for her who drops in at a set time to do the jobs we generally do.
In our case it has been a mother of school aged children who works part time so is able to take on a bit extra every so often .

We pay her the same as we were paying the agency and MIL is very happy.

So glad we set this up as I have breast cancer and am undergoing treatment so we know we have back up set up.

We sold it to MIL by saying that we both couldn’t go away unless we had support set up and so one us would not be able to go and I was certainly going so it meant her DS would have to stay to look after her !
“ oh no ! He needs his holiday !”

rookiemere · 02/09/2019 07:47

I think DH and his DSis need to say to their DM and mean it ,that their number one priority is ensuring she has the holiday she deserves . It's not realistic in anyway that either of them can provide the support themselves unless they take annual leave- but the worst case scenario is that MIL cancels the break.

I then believe it's time to talk about interim care, it can be sold as for the holidays only - and with the fallback to your MIL that it will be sorted however that happens. Hopefully once Mil or DH start investigating options something suitable can be found.

Grandad won't like it - well to a large extent that's tough. I've seen the disfunction that happens when people refuse paid for help, instead expecting busy family to sacrifice everything to provide it instead.

Original poster
Wwydpooh · 02/09/2019 08:16

MIL won't cancel the break, we are certain of that.

The holiday is 4 months. Even if it were less DSIL couldn't take time off, she's a teacher. And we need DHs leave to cover school holidays for DS. We absolutely cannot travel down mid week and MIL knows this and isn't expecting us to.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 02/09/2019 08:26

Ok well for that length of time concrete plans need to be in place. You said in the OP that MIL was finding it hard to support the Granddads daily needs - perhaps she needs DH and Dsis to be quite forceful about the need to get some outside support, that way it happens without her being perceived as the baddie..

AmIThough · 02/09/2019 08:30

There you go then - there's nobody to physically take care of him so he either has to muddle on through himself (which seems impossible) or accept that he needs professional care.

Bouffalant · 02/09/2019 08:35

I don't think it is reasonable for them to expect you to do a 4 hour round trip twice a week. 5 mins down the road fair enough, but 16 hours of travelling is not reasonable.

If he has capacity and can afford it then they need to hire carers for the time they're away.

lavenderandthyme · 02/09/2019 08:40

I think the idea of finding someone local to pop in and help is a good one. I am sure there are many people who would do this for extra income and be a friendly face.

It is totally unreasonable for you to be asked to do this even for a week. Never mind four months. You have enough on your plate and you don’t even live close by.

Trumpton · 02/09/2019 08:48

Maybe ask at local church for recently retired person ?
This certainly needs setting up ASAP.
Four months is a big ask so it would be best to set up a paid person straight away .
Mil was VERY against help as she thought I should do it all and in all fairness the load had grown slowly and I wasn’t aware how many hours I was putting in .
Will he be willing to pay for help or is that another hurdle ?

Original poster
Wwydpooh · 02/09/2019 19:15

Some great ideas, thanks guys.

rookiemere I think that's the case.

OP posts:
JemilyJ · 02/09/2019 19:19

Until you said it was 4 months I was going to suggest you like at one of the Revitalise centres (or similar) as they do respite as a holiday for the person cared for.

Bookworm4 · 02/09/2019 19:20

Unfortunately many elderly are oblivious to how reliant they are on family; they are NOT independent. Often it gets to the point of being blunt, make it very clear that he will need help arranged for those 4 months and hopefully he will realise just how much he expects of your Mil.

cptartapp · 02/09/2019 19:32

What else do we save all our lives for if it isn't to buy in care when needed? What's he saving his money for? Utterly selfish and unreasonable to expect family to run themselves ragged. Why do his wants out trump your MIL wants. Because he's older?! Ridiculous. This holiday is the perfect excuse to change things and if grandad chooses not to cooperate then he should live with the consequences.
Commit to nothing. People live very long lives these days.

FawnDrench · 02/09/2019 19:34

Perhaps your grandad needs to "try out" a few carers well before MIL goes on holiday.
So hopefully he can feel at ease with new people before she goes and even start the new carers before the holiday.

I would try to start doing this as soon as possible as it may take him a while to come round to the idea.

Original poster
Wwydpooh · 02/09/2019 19:47

cptartapp prior to his illness he was completely independent, it knocked him k for six and he's struggling to accept he isn't going to return to his former levels of independence. He keeps putting off getting support as he'll be "back to full health in a week or two" (which he's been saying for a few months now).

He's incredibly kind, loving and generous. I think if MIL told him the burden he's been he'd be horrified. He isn't worried about the cost, it's the acceptance that he needs help and placing trust in strangers.

FawnDrench that's what we were sort of thinking.

OP posts: