I fucking can't stand being a mum

[bringonthejam]

I'm fed up. DC is testing me so much and I just want to sit in a dark room and sob.

But I can't do that. I can't even sit without having to get up and stop DC from doing stupid shit, despite 'baby proofing' the house.

It's joyless and I feel like I've lost my soul.

I'd never be without DC and my love is so so strong, I'd die for DC. But I don't enjoy parenthood and I'm fucking fed up. It's boring and relentless. But unfortunately not the type of boring where you sit and do nothing. The type of boring where you're forced to do mundane and annoying tasks until the little dictator goes to sleep.

I've always quite liked parenthood until now - I found it very breezy. Then 18 months hit. I want to leave and never return Syaft a new life. But I wouldn't because I just love DC too much. And annoyingly, something within me makes me put their absolute everything before myself (not in an unhealthy way, I take care of me too).

I often wish I never became a Mum. Is this normal?

I can't see why anyone would choose to do this again. I would happily abort a surprise pregnancy, no questions asked.

I can totally relate OP. I have a DS who is 13m and honestly it’s utter drudgery. The lack of sleep (I’m up at 6am on a good day, 4am quite often), the constant physical stuff (wrestling them into clothes / car seats) and just never being able to sit a relax because they’re hellbent on killing themselves. Sometimes the gravity of it all overwhelms me. I would not change him for the world but I miss my old life You’re not alone.

I can cope with 22 month DC so much better when she’s at nursery during the day and I’m dealing with her in the morning and evening than I can when she’s been with me all day. Toddlers are little tyrants and so draining.

You say you can't be bothered - Apathy, or feeling apathetic, is a not-so-well-known symptom of depression. Everyone thinks it's the black cloud, but just feeling like you can't be bothered any more is also a sign. You might want to speak to your GP.
I would say it gets easier, but that would be lying, but you do feel less physically tired as they become more able and willing to do things for themselves.

I too loathed motherhood and nobody tells you how BORING young children are.
But that bond is strong so even when you hate it you know you would protect them with your life.
I had to go back to work or I'd have gone nuts. He's 40 now and a gem but I never had another one, no way.

Op this is the reason I am only having the one!!!

My ds will be two next month. And my god he's challenging, I've had threads on here about it asking when it will end

But I know everything is just a phase that will pass. I won't always struggle to brush his teeth, won't always have to wrestle him into a car seat, won't always have to supervise him every second of every day. Things will get easier.

I feel what you're saying though. Motherhood is a million times tougher than I thought it would be!!! Feel so guilty for being jealous of my friends without children going out on dates, having lie ins on the weekend, having freedom!!!!

I find they're much easier from 4 on. Hang in there!!

It's so much better when they start school, become a bit more independent and when they can communicate properly without having tantrums.

My DS is 6 and it's an absolute breeze compared to the toddler years. I remember when he was a toddler I would spend days dreaming about the future so I could get some kind of a life back.

I still find it hard work being a mum but I love the bones off DS and the older he gets, the better it gets.

I've decided not to have any more children because no way can I cope with those toddler years again.

(By the way, I actually found potty training a breeze - DS was 2 and a half and we cracked it straight away, we spent the Christmas holidays mostly at home doing potty training and after those 2 weeks he was fully dry in the day. It might be easier than you think.)

@bringonthejam what you are experiencing is totally normal. The thing that makes you feel like you’re not normal is all the tossers on social media purporting to have perfect children. It’s all very disingenuous. When my son (who is now 20) was tiny he was lovely until he was 3. He turned into a belligerent horror. He did eventually come out of it but I was regularly in tears because I struggled to deal with him and felt I’d lost my connection with him. I’d love to put that period behind me but unfortunately I have a friend who reminds me every time I see her “remember when x used to be so naughty he made you cry”!! Hang in there. It’ll get better i promise.

@Isitnearlyweekend your 'friend' seriously needs new material, imagine still harping on that a toddler acted up seventeen years later.

Ugh the toddler years are so hard. DD2 has been a nightmare from about 14months until 2.5/3. She’s 3.5 and slooooowly getting better. She just started nursery school, let me tell you there were no tears from me on the first day. Actually thinking about it, all the parents had big grins on their faces and ran out of the nursery giggling in glee once the little cherubs had been deposited in the classroom

Toddlers are demanding, screaming, bossy, headstrong, irrational little dictators, hell-bent on chaos and destruction. How could anybody love this stage?! (Although I know some people do, but they must have the most rare type of toddler you can get, the calm ones. My DD1 was a bit like that).

Just try and get a break as often as you can and know that you are not alone. It’s small comfort now but the time will pass and they don’t stay toddlers forever. Thank fuck. If they did, no one would ever have more than one!

Try to repeat this is just a phase. For everything that annoys you at every stage. And repeat. None of it lasts forever.

I think all mums of toddlers need regular breaks from them, to stay sane.
There were just 16 months between my two DDs, and as DH died when the youngest was 11 months, I was alone, grieving and exhausted with them. But I at least worked part time, and that bit of normal adult life was my salvation.
I think starting your uni course will be a big help, OP.
The other thing is to structure your toddler’s day, so you have a good routine of a daily walk, some active play, story time with a picture book, nursery rhymes, a half hour of a children’s tv programme or dvd, some art or craft stuff- messy finger painting, whatever. If your DC is fully occupied, there’s less time for tantrums or getting into danger, and they’re learning all the time!
I did find mine exhausting, but they were reading fluently by age 3, so could entertain themselves with a book, and as they had a large vocabulary they could usually explain what they wanted rather than throwing a strop, and understand my explanations of why something was dangerous/unavailable. Good communication really helps.
Hang on in there, it will improve. And to a great extent, you get back what you put in - an investment of your time, love, social training and education is hugely repaid when you end up with lovely polite well rounded young adults!

18 months - 2.5 yrs is the worst year. I hated it with both of mine. YANBU. But just cling onto the mantra: this too shall pass. In two more years this will be a distant memory. Hang in there.

Raising children is seriously hard work, and utterly boring for lots of it.Once they come out of the teenager phase it’s all good, but lots of us don’t love the years leading up to that. You are not alone Op

@AvengerDanvers95 Her other absolute gem was about my son who is gay. She said “well it’s like when someone is a paedophile, they don’t make a choice, it’s just the way they are made”!! WTF!! I was so stunned I didn’t even respond which made me furious with myself. I’ve managed to avoid her for the last 9 months.

Ugh, nearlyweekend - avoid her for the rest of your life

I don't want to be one of those people who scoffs and says "wait til they're teenagers", I really am just commiserating with you, I feel exactly the same. It's just it didn't happen for me until they were older. It's just constant stress, worry, disappointment and wondering why I ever had them.

@bringonthejam

I remember it well - bringing up children can be so hard and frustrating, it is the most hardest job I have ever done - toddler tantrums, teenage hormones when everybody hates you and you don't have the right clothes boo hoo! Well that is now a distant memory and my children are now adults and have their own children - I enjoy watching them trying to reason with a screaming toddler who doesn't understand why his parents won't let him do what he wants. I actually miss those days now so just try to chill and remember this is just a moment in time and these things will pass and you will soon be a grandparent like me.

I hate it too. I feel your pain. I struggle with it and hate doing it then spend hours worrying they are going to have mental health problems with me as a mother. Hate it.

It will get better, honest. They are absolutely lovely once they can communicate properly and take no for an answer...

... then teenage strikes.

No, seriously OP, it does get better. I really found the early years incredibly challenging and boring like hell even when we were ALWAYS out and about, It was like threading water. Had it not been for a blessed morning he spent in the nursery and a part time job I found when he was 4, I don’t know where I would be these days.

Toddlers are absolute fucking bastards.
Most of them don’t even look cute.

Op, it.will get better. Weirdly, I felt like this UNTIL DS was 18 months old. That is because he started sleeping through series which gave me a few nights a week of 5-8 hrs of.unbroken sleep . That made everything else bearable after 18 months of never sleeping more than 2 hrs at a time. It will.pass honestly. We just all have ages we dislike more and ages we like.more.

The period of time from when they start moving to when they turn 2 is absolutely the worst. Just chasing round dragging them away from dangerous situations. If dc isn't far off two the end of the sharp end of that phase is almost over I promise

ps. Just a practical note for when you go to uni. Do not even dream of doing any work while your kid is awake, it will just tire you, frustrate you and you won’t accomplish much. The trick is to have them into a strict bed time routine so you can work (in peace) from 7:30 to midnight.

OP you are not alone! I have a 15 month old and a 26 month old and I am on my knees but it doesn't last forever, try to embrace the chaos and don't be so hard on yourself x