Does anyone still ‘agree’ with smacking in 2019?

[BlueMoon1103]

Really honestly curious about this, does anyone still smack their children and think it’s the right thing to do? If so what are your reasons?

Please don’t comment having a go at other peoples’ parenting, I just want to hear more about ‘stricter’ parenting styles as they seem to have gone out of fashion so let’s keep it respectful.

I was smacked, beaten, you name it. Me and my father had NO relationship, he died alone and we were estranged when i was 15
I dont smack

the only time its acceptable to me is if your say slapping their hand away from the fire or stove.

Hitting as discipline for say drawing on the wall, getting detention or back chat is lazy parenting

There is a difference between smacking and physically beating a child up.

My MIL was still walloping her sons till they were well over 30 and they never once complained. They had done something to annoy her and they were going to be slapped. They respected their mum until her death and even now a long time later.
I did not smack my DC. I was trying a bit too hard to be a likeable mother. I was not rich so I didn't think I could be spoiling them but possibly I was to the extent of my abilities.
My DC are grown up now and I would not even dare to speak back to them. They smack and emotionally abuse their DC. They have drunken partners which I would never have allowed in my house. There have been drug users around their children.
They do not even treat me as an adult.
I don't know why my DC are like this but I do wonder if I had been stricter and used smacking as a punishment would things have been different. No-one will ever know now.

I am not prepared to put myself at risk of all this. Their behaviour is not what they saw as children growing up.

In a word: NO.

I had a smack occasionally when I was a kid, I'll be 70 at end of year & that was normal then but I have to say it wasn't a regular occurrence.

I didn't smack mine, remember one day whenI chased upstairs wielding a tea towel but was not very effective (story of my life).

Smacking is wrong.

I don't know. Instinctively I see it as wrong. I'm pregnant with my first so no real experience yet except for being a teacher.

I know I'd never hit my dog, and I see other people hitting their dog and it really upsets me. Obviously I know it's not the same thing though.

My husband comes from a country where physical punishment is still the norm. Smacking, standing with hands above their heads for an hour, push ups etc. Generally, the teenagers are better behaved than in the UK.

They only banned corporal punishment in schools a few years ago, and the behaviour has deteriorated. You see a lot of stories about kids behaving like utter shites these days whereas you never saw that before.

I don't know the solution. Naughty step etc seems just as bad in a way.

I smacked my four year old recently. She took of her seatbelt when I was driving at 100km hour. One verbal warning, then I pulled over and smacked her. There are plenty of other effective disciplinary methods but they take longer to work and I didn’t want a week of her taking off her seatbelt and endangering her safety before they were successful. She got smacked and she has never taken off her seatbelt since.

“the key is to warn the child beforehand, ie 2 or 3 warnings, then smack”

I find that kind of cold, planned violence utterly chilling. I actually understand the lashing out more, it’s a far more normal human reaction to a stressful situation, though I don’t agree that it is acceptable.

I do agree that some other non-violent forms of “discipline” are pretty dodgy too

I didn't hit (smacking is just an more acceptable word for hitting). My parents didn't either.

I also didn't use the naughty step/corner or time outs or reward charts. I never grounded my teens and never took away phone or internet or otherwise imposed punishments. I don't believe punishment is useful when navigating relationships and teaching children how to behave as decent human beings. I did talk to them and made them very aware of what we expected of them in terms of behaviour. This is what my parents also did (born in 1920s in case anyone thinks it is generational) - I think their parents were the same.

I was probably a pretty strict parent though. It takes a lot of effort - you have to start when they are tiny and reinforce all the time. "say thank you" "No I will remove you from the playground if you do that again" etc etc. it can be exhausting.

I think most spontaneous hitting happens when a parent is at the end of their tether - and I have a lot of sympathy for that (not for people who use hitting as a regular thing - that is just lazy). There are moments any of us could lose it. I think if I had seen my children being really unkind to someone or hurting an animal I could have lost it too.

I was smacked as a child, not very often, but it was a deterrent, just the same as the cane was in schools, I can only remember a handful of pupils who got canned but we all behaved because we knew what would happen if we didn't. Schools didnt need to have isolation rooms like they do now & there were far fewer exclusions than there are now & if you got in trouble at school you didnt go home moaning about it because if you did you were in trouble again at home. There was much less juvenile crime as well because we behaved because we knew what would happen if we didnt. Smacking & corporal punishment if it is not excessively used is a much better deterrent than all the isolation, naughty steps & talking punishments are today. Maybe it would be a better world if we took a step back in time & schools wouldn't need to be like prisons with locked doors & staff walking around with radios.

I can't get too upset about smacking. Punishment is meant to be unpleasant

My Dad exclusively smacked. We'd do something that displeased him, he'd smack or fling a slipper and that would be it. Don't do it again and back to normal.

My Mother, on the other hand, would use from a very early age in order of preference:

Ignoring (shut in room for hours then ignored for days)
Withholding affection ("Have I been good enough today? Do you love me?")
Smacking (rarely but full on, hysterical slapping and shrieking)

I wasn't a dreadful child, I don't think, and can count on a thumb and a finger the number of times I was told off at school.

The problem was never the form of punishment but the fact that whenever my mother punished it was to excess, and in that moment, she absolutely HATED me. Also that my brother was not held to the same standards (he has ASD but knew full well what was expected).

I know a lot of posters won't agree but to me, it's about the fact you understand you've behaved badly but you'll do better next time and your parent still loves you. I'd never advocate using implements or leaving marks.

I have no children and no intention to, in case anyone is worried.

My DS is 17; we have never hit (smacked) him. Ever.

in moments when there is life and limb, huge safety risks involved a smack in the moment can get the message across in a way that hours of negotiating never will.
the toddler seatbelt mentioned on pg 1 is a perfect example
as would be a toddler running away into traffic

I have never smacked either of my children. I am strict and so is my husband and fortunately neither of us have never been in the position where we felt it was needed. Our children will have something they enjoy to play with a toy or in my sons case his phone taken away for a few days and the thought of that is enough. Only once each they have done something really naughty that warranted it and they have not crossed the line since. I guess it depends on the child. I would never judge anyone who uses very occasional smacking as a punishment. My nephew is an extremely difficult child always has been. My sister in law would never smack him. Dead against any form of punishing a child. She believe in positive parenting. My brother is at his whits end with him and I actually think that he will be the root of the end of their marriage. He actually tipped hot candle wax on purpose on a child's arm at his birthday party. my brother obviously very annoyed and mortified tried too remove him from the room adn my sil told my brother off! I have too be honest I was horrified and I often find myself thinking that the positive parenting approach she has taken and he has gone along with has created a monster. He will actually sit there at 9 and say I can do whatever I want. Needless too say. He does not like me very much as I will tell him off and I think is behaviour is horrific. He even refuses too come too my house now

The trouble is that we can never do a proper controlled test to prove whether smacking works or doesn't work as a form of punishment, because we can't have the same child twice.

As I said, I smacked my children when they were younger. Some of them I had to smack a fair bit, others I rarely needed to, the youngest I don't remember ever needing any punishment at all. So it may come down to the type of child and suiting the punishment to the child. Some just really don't care about being sent to their room! When mine were young there were no electronic devices to withdraw as a punishment, I couldn't afford to give them pocket money or days out as treats, I had very few resources available as sanctions, and I think this was true when we go back more than, say thirty years. Maybe that's why smacking was more common in the past - when you have nothing to withdraw, no money and very few treats, what do you do to show your displeasure in your child's behaviour?

I've no problem with it. But there are more effective methods, calm talking to seems to work the best for my dc at least.

This is a really unusual thread- most people on Mumsnet always say they are completely against smacking.

Does anyone know if any experts advocate it?

Nearly all research shows it doesn’t work/ is damaging to the child.

SaraNade- Have you got any evidence of that?

No expert agrees with smacking

How would you go about designing a research method to assess the effectiveness and impact of any discipline style and then compare them to the alternatives?

I imagine that there aren't any mainstream experts who would advocate smacking. I mean, at the risk of being cynical, it wouldn't sell in this current climate, would it and I expect it's harder to fill a book with instructions on smacking compared to say, complicated sticker charts and long winded chapters on how to phrase things to your children in the correct manner.

I'm going to repeat, I didn't smack my kids. I am just less and less impressed by the "positive parenting" methods that I employed when they were younger which I'm now not as convinced are as benign as they seem at first glance.

In twenty years adults might be coming forward to say these techniques took advantage of a child's instinctive desire to please their parents, that they felt constantly observed and assessed or that all the taking through their behaviour which they did as a child encouraged them to be introspective and anxious. Who knows?

Taking through - talking through

Lots of colleagues and casual acquaintances I have known over the years. Young/old/parents/not parents. Lots of them want to give you unasked for parenting advice too.

I’m not anti-smacking. I used to smack my child if he was about to do something dangerous e.g if he went to run into traffic

Well this is one of the most upsetting threads I have read - I am astounded at the number of posters who agree with smacking children.

You do know that it was legal and accepted for a man to hit is wife up to the turn of the last century - do you think that is ok? I hope and pray that one day we will look back at smacking children with the same revulsion - although going by this thread that won't be any time soon.

No, would never ever do it.

Parents are supposed to love and protect their children not hurt them. Plenty of ways to ensure discipline etc without resorting to physical punishment. Teachers manage huge numbers of children every day and manage to do it so no excuse as a parent.

Nearly all research shows it doesn’t work/ is damaging to the child
This is probably true but I think a lot of people who smack their kids were smacked themselves and look at their own anecdotal evidence that it works rather than professional research that it doesn’t

I really resent my mum for smacking me. It wasn’t even that bad (compared to many) but I remember feeling angry and powerless.

I think mostly I am resentful that she won’t own it and admit it did me (and our relationship) harm.

I have smacked my children, once or twice each and regret it so much. It was when they were little and hard work and I lost my temper. I have talked to them about it and they understand I was wrong to do that.

All the child learns is fear of their parent and to cause physical pain if you're unhappy with what someone's doing.

Those adults would probably be outraged if they were hit by another adult who disagreed with them but think it is fine to hit someone who is smaller and weaker than them. How does that work.