Does anyone still ‘agree’ with smacking in 2019?

[BlueMoon1103]

Really honestly curious about this, does anyone still smack their children and think it’s the right thing to do? If so what are your reasons?

Please don’t comment having a go at other peoples’ parenting, I just want to hear more about ‘stricter’ parenting styles as they seem to have gone out of fashion so let’s keep it respectful.

If however a smack on the back of the hand or the bum is your form of punishment I don’t think it’s necessarily awful compared to shouting at a child, taking away their things etc

I think this too, especially from a child’s POV. I know someone who was at school when corporal punishment was still the norm, and they used a small cane. He said they would sometimes get a choice - writing lines or get the cane, and they would always pick the cane instead of sitting down for ages writing lines. I can imagine a few kids would prefer a quick smack to losing their iPad any day.

I tried smacking twice when one child was displaying bad behaviour. It resulted in an angry child who instantly became aggressive. I smacked her so she smacked her sister. Its not rocket science is it?! I never wanted to try this again. I learned that bad behaviour stems from feeling upset. Now If mine are showing bad behaviour, I hug them and say , "I love you, are you feeling sad?" They explain how they're feeling then I tell them, "Im listening and I understand, but next time just tell me because doing x is not nice". Usually they apologise and hug me. Treat children with respect and kindness.

I also agree with others that have said there’s a big difference between using smacking as a routine form of discipline, and a parent just being pushed to their emotional limit and smacking as a last ditch attempt to stop the bad behaviour.
I’ve done it once when my DC1 just would not listen to a word any adult was saying to her, continued with her dangerous behaviour, laughing at any attempt to stop her. I got progressively more angry and worried that she was going to really hurt herself if she continued, and I did smack her bum and shout “now stop it!”. She looked at me with sheer shock on her face. And yes, she did stop. But I feel like resorting to smacking her bum was more because I lost control of my own emotions more than anything else and I felt dreadful about it afterwards.
No she’s not permanently traumatised by a smacked bum a year ago, but I’ll never forget the look on her face.

@NotMeAnymoreOrEverAgain according to PP 85% of french parents smack their kids, maybe it’s still linked?! If you put your kid on the naughty step there’s not much to stop them screaming and shouting while they’re on there, kids aren’t stupid, they know on a train you’re not going to be able to put them on the naughty step.

I do think you’re right about expectations of kids are too low now - people always seem surprised when I say my 6 year old has to help round the house. The attitude to teenagers helping with childcare of younger siblings always stands out too, it shows that kids aren’t expected to contribute anything any more, which I do think impacts their behaviour - anything good they do is seen as a big favour rather than an expectation

I don't smack my dc.

I was smacked occasionally as a child. It didn't negatively affect me.

I am not against smacking if used in exceptional circumstances. I often wonder why other punishments are considered more humane. For example, sitting on naughty steps, time out, removal of privileges. I think often these things could cause more emotional distress and frustration than a short sharp smack.

Sounds like a plan Notme. I'll send the bill to Supernanny.

For example, sitting on naughty steps, time out, removal of privileges. I think often these things could cause more emotional distress and frustration than a short sharp smack.

It’s all a bit of a minefield isn’t it. A smack isn’t great as it is physical and there’s an aspect of violence there - but at least it’s done quickly and then you can move on. Removing of privileges and naughty steps seems a bit gentler and provides more opportunities to reflect, but then is it really good to draw out punishments in this way and over-analyse and mull over every misdemeanour?

I don’t smack, like a previous poster, I don’t think you can teach a small child that physical violence is bad when you discipline them by hitting them.

I also think that the argument about “other punishments being just as bad” kinda depends on how you use the “punishment”. I don’t think any advocates of a time out method tell you to isolate your child in order to punish them. It’s about removing them from a situation that they are not managing well (either by tantrumming, being naughty, hurting a sibling etc), explaining to them the problem and giving them time to calm down. It’s often not even a punishment as such, it’s just a way of managing a situation and helping the child to regulate their emotions. They aren’t supposed to sit there for ages being ignored and isolated, that’s not the point of the method as I’ve understood it.

I don't smack my children, and I wince if I see anyone else smack theirs (my sisters do).
We were smacked off my mum when we were 'naughty' as children and I hated it. I'm almost 40 and still remember being hit with a pump or ruler at primary school, which my 15 year old daughter finds shocking.
That said, she is and always has been easy going and laid back and has never done anything to warrant a smack imo.

I do try therefore try to not judge too harshly the ones who may use a light smack as punishment for something very naughty, but it would still make me catch my breath 😬

I think if you Youtube Jo Frost, who seemed - at least at one point - to lead the charge on the calm down method Taybert, it is both what you describe in theory (one minute for every year) and what I describe in practice (where it takes felling ages to get the kid to sit on the spot - which is always outside the hubbub of family life (like a stair) listen to them yell will the clock counts down and then wait till they apologize (properly, mind).

The argument that smacking means kids think it’s ok to hit I don’t think that’s evident. Yes if you come from a family that physically lashes out you will likely become physical. What most people have mentioned is using a smack as a controlled punishment - equally I don’t think taking things of a child teaches them to snatch away other kids toys!

I can understand it as a last resort, ie they've been told, warned, naughty step, put in the corner etc and are still being bad (you'd hope a child would be behaving now at this point)
Or if they were in danger ie you're slapping their hand away from something.
But I don't understand it as a first thing to bad behaviour, there's so much more you can do first.

I never have. Dd norm 17y ago and never resorted to hitting her. But then none of my friends hit either, it's just not the norm for us.

My parents didn't hit us either. That was more unusual as many of my friends were hit.

I know a few people that do.

Smacking didn't do me any harm as a kid but I wouldn't do it myself. It just doesn't sit right with me at all.

I didn't, although o did once slap a child (DS aged 3) who ran into traffic on purpose. It wasnt premeditated.

I'm very much against smacking - my parents were physically abusive so wouldn't want to even start on the path of physical punishment in case I was unable to determine boundaries like they were (beating us with objects, hitting us until we were late teens, strangling and pinching etc)

But, my toddler can be so wilful that I've found myself understanding why some parents do it. It's very difficult to get a child that doesn't listen or care about what you're saying to stop dangerous behaviour eg. Standing up and climbing in the bath

I'm not sure there's much correlation between smacking and general strictness tbh.

I've never smacked DS but I am strict on making DS behave at church/on trains/in cafe's...I think French/Italian/Spanish DCs are generally so well behaved in public because their DMs have spent literally years hissing "sit still" "no one else is talking" etc under our breaths
(I'm not a monster I do bring quiet toys and snacks with me!)

Fwiw having tried many different technqiues, the best that worked for me abd ny dcs (they are teens now and i still do that) is to avoid rewards and punishments altogether.

A NO is a NO, usually with an explaination for the first 2 times and then just a NO. Boundaries are enforced regardles of where we are, same rules for home and outside of home. There is no laughing at rude behaviour in my house the way we saw the Duchess Catherine doing with her dd (which incidentally has ben praised widely whilst the dd had a 'cute' behaviour).
But I also spent a lot fo time AVOIDING those sticky moments. eg by entertaining them before they got noisy in a train, by redirecting before they wouod be up to no good, by giving them as much freedom I could depending on their age as well as responsibilities.

I wasn't just hit but beaten. I can remember my first slap at the age of 4.

Yes I agree with smacking, if you want to leave your child with life long trauma, depression and if you want them to spend hours crying in a therapists office.

I don't smack, just can't get my head around purposefully inflicting pain on a child. And I'm strict so IMO you can be strict without smacking. My 4yo is well behaved (not just my opinion, it's is commented on regularly) which I think is a mixture of her easy going personality and the fact that there has always been clear boundaries and consequences for bad behaviour. She is only 4 and I have a 17 month old as well so who knows how effective my parenting will be in the future but I will never smack them.

I know people that do and I've seen a few posts about smacking on Facebook where the majority of comments were pro smacking so people definitely do still do it.

I was smacked perhaps a couple of times in childhood and I also smacked my children (now older) a couple of times. Not proud of it but it did produce the short sharp effect that was needed.

If however a smack on the back of the hand or the bum is your form of punishment I don’t think it’s necessarily awful compared to shouting at a child, taking away their things etc

I agree with this ^^

Sometimes you read threads on here which, in my darker moments, I mutter to myself “nothing that a smack on the bottom wouldnt cure” but I would never type that on those threads for fear of being shredded. For example there was one recently where a child refused to walk anywhere and after a short while would just lie on the pavement and refuse to move. He was 4! And holding the entire family hostage in their house because he wouldnt walk anywhere! All the posters had great suggestions about pretending to walk on, removing treats, explaining about how his behaviour was impacting everyone and all I could do was just . A smack on the bottom would have got the little angel moving!

Please dont think I recommend it. Just saying that in a very few instances, when nothing else is working and a surprise is needed, I dont think you can blame anyone for using a couple of fingers to tap on the back of the hand/bottom.

I was smacked hard as a kid, I have smacked my dd once when she was 3 ( she dropped my hand and ran into the road) have never felt so sick and disgusted at myself before or since. Seeing her face look at me frightened was just horrific I was scared of my mum and we have a fairly poor relationship now. I never want that between me and my children.

And I would count myself as strict. I'm lucky to have a well behaved dd but I am very clear on consequences to her actions (no puddings/tv/YouTube etc)

I've never smacked (not felt the need to) but I was smacked as a child (I'm 26 so not too long ago)

I can tell you that the things my dad gave me a smack for I never did again! It was more than enough to deter me from doing them again.

I dont think smacking is always the answer, but there does need to be more discipline in parenting. The amount of parents is see negotiating with their children, having 'deals' with them to behave is said. You're the parent so parent

Friends of mine smack their children if they are really naughty and after a warning. It doesn't actually affect their behaviour in any way that I can see. They certainly aren't better behaved children.

I do believe that being strict helps, and being very clear and following through. I know a few people (too few) who warn once and then alwaysfollow through. It does really work and their children seem very happy to me.