How much did your childhood effect what kind of person you became?

[Lily2811]

Just interested really. My childhood was very unstable, I often felt unsettled. I feel like this led me to have terrible anxiety as an adult. Thoughts?

Too much trauma has frozen me in time. I’m unable to move on without professional help and no professional help is currently available.

It totally fucked me up. I've tried therapy and counselling but I still have flashbacks, anxiety, depression and eczema. The actual events were bad enough, but a total lack of protection is what hurts more.

It has made me extremely self conscious, I want to be a better person than my Mother was and a better Mother. I’m constantly anxious and worried that I’m failing them in some way so forever trying my upmost to be the best parent. My worry is that other people will think I’m a bad person/parent in some way so I’m forever trying to prove a point even if it’s just to myself.

I had a weird childhood. Separated parents,
Dad was extremely middle class and quite wealthy but I only saw him at weekends. During the weekend I lived the life of a princess (absolutely spoilt), during the week I was beaten and bullied by my Mum’s partner...

I had a good childhood mostly , but suffered from terrible anxiety as a kid when my Dad went off with my Mums best friend and I was the one to find them (yikes). I’m 24 now , and have really bad anxiety which has always been put down to me having epilepsy . But I developed anxiety before Epilepsy .
I have sudden anxiety attacks if I hear a certain song that I link back to my childhood . My husband laughs about it as a certain Coldplay song will come on and I freak out as it takes me back to a time where I heard it on the radio at the age of 6 and associated it with my mum being upset . The same with a song by the Chorrs - Runaway . I was sick once in the car with my Dad and now I can’t listen to it .

It’s weird how our brains work ! Really good thread , I think you’ll get a big response .

Money was always scarce when I was growing up. I’m very cautious as an adult in terms of my job. I have a very stable job even though I would much rather do something else but cannot possibly risk my child growing up with a parent worrying about money to the extent mine did.

My dad drummed it into me never to trust anybody. This was due to his bad upbringing. So the effect of that, although I do try to fight it, is I really don't trust many people. I am glad I don't line manage anybody, I would be a nightmare.

Also, he was authoritarian, and it made me the opposite. If somebody tries to control me, I see red. Has caused me a few problems over time, particularly in employment. I am a good employee but quite vociferous if boundaries are being crossed.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I feel like I should have shared more now! My parents split up when I was young but old enough to remember a lot of arguing and my dad humiliating my mum. We moved around a lot, I spent a lot of time travelling from one house to another. Never feeling settled. I worried a lot. A lot of responsibility was put on me as a child. As an adult I am very hard on myself and take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility/out of my control.

I think that everyone's childhood has a huge impact upon them as adults.
You won't get as many positive stories and I think many people assume everyone has the same happy childhood they had, but there is a lot of information about how ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) affect you later in life.
Certainly worth reading up a bit - start by looking at 'Connect the DOts to ACEs'.
Equally, giving a child confidence, and a strong self esteem and self worth gives them a really great start in life, IMO.

It made me a "people pleaser" , a doormat really. My mother was always on a hair-trigger, you never knew when she was going to explode, or what she'd explode about. By the time she'd finished with me I had zero self confidence and just wanted people to like me - no matter what I had to do to achieve that desire. I wish I had some confidence and that I could be assertive, but I think it's far too late now.

I had a very stable childhood. 2 parents who parented well together, was a bit spoilt by dad as was the only girl, got along with my siblings and had a close extended family.

Sounds great on paper...turns out I was just a sheltered kid and ignorance is bliss. My parents chose to keep all their own drama from affecting us and made keeping our homelife as stable as possible the priority and that close extended family stepped in where needed to make sure it happened.

My mam was diagnosed with life-limiting cancer when I was 6 and had 10 years to live, she got 7 in the end and was in good health until the last two years. I only found out the details on this when I was in my 20's as a kid I just was told she wasn't well and that sometimes she took trips to the hospital help make her feel better..and they did so we just rolled with it because it was our normal and we were still at home and in routine of school, sports, etc. I only really knew she was really sick and how bad it was at end-stage and hospice involved and she was actively unwell.

My dad died of cancer when I was in my late teens, that was more life rocking as I was older and it was more sudden/unexpected. I hadn't realized he was terminal until got the call to come home to say goodbye as he had a sudden deterioration. I'm still a bit hurt he didn't let us know bad it was because I would have chosen to spend more time at home rather than Uni (which is exactly why he didn't tell me!) In hindsight I should have realised how bad it was sooner but as I was used to hospices and palliative care meaning bad not hospitals visits etc didn't trigger as much worry as they should.

It's definitely shaped the person I've become.
I'm horribly independent and quite happy to take on new things. I'm naturally introverted but not a doormat and capable of being assertive when I have to,but tend to be laid back about things overall. Because at the base of it I know I can handle almost anything life throws at me. I don't overthink things and tend to just let things go unless they are serious. I also tend to live in the moment and try and appreciate every day as it comes...because when you realize you might not reach 50 or retirement it changes your longterm outlook to life I think....but thanks to early childhood stability I still value having a good base of stability in my life and I do think about what I want to prioritize day today -so I finished uni and work in a profession I enjoy that also allows me to travel etc.

Relationship wise however I'm a bit wary of getting to closely attached to people and take a long time before I let people into my life completely, have many more close female friends than male... I've had several longterm enjoyable relationships but no permanent ones. So not completely unscathed I guess.

Everyone is shaped by their experiences. But I do believe we also chose our own actions in day to day life.

I had a pretty good childhood in lots of ways, loving mum, amazing grandparents and no real issues or trauma that I actually remember. But, my dad left before I was born (went off with OW) and never looked back, I'm 44 and have never met him or had any contact.

I can see now the degree to which that fucked me up. It informed all my early relationships with men and I was basically desperate to be loved by them, I guess because him leaving made me feel intrinsically unlovable to men. I made a lot of bad decisions as a teenager due to this and got myself into some pretty damaging situations. With hindsight I can see how little self esteem I had and that him essentially abandoning me was the reason why.

My DB (who was 3 when he left, DM was pregnant with me) has also been badly affected, albeit in entirely different ways to me. So yes, I think our childhood had a huge effect on the people we became, neither of us have much self esteem even now (although that manifests itself completely differently in each of us) and I doubt either of us will ever forgive him for leaving us so completely.

My childhood was definitely not as bad as lots of peoples (no abuse etc) but I do have a very bad relationship with food due to my mother being obsessed with me getting fat as a teenager and putting me on a strict diet. I remember on one occasion, the whole family were having dessert after dinner but I wasn’t allowed. When I complained, I was sent to my room, where my mother appeared later with about 3/4 of an apple pie, a whole tin of custard and tub of ice cream and demanded I eat the whole lot in one go because I obviously didn’t care about her efforts to stop me getting fat. I remember her cold fury and me standing in my bedroom in tears saying I didn’t want the pie, and her saying she wasn’t leaving until I ate it. Eventually my dad intervened. That was just one example of her issues with my weight and a number of clashes over food during my teenage years.

As a result I have issues eating healthily and I always allow myself a ‘treat’ even if it means I eat cake every day because ‘denying’ myself something is what my mother used to do. Hence I have issues with my weight going up and down all the time.

The worst thing is that when I look at photos of myself as a teenager, I wasn’t fat at all and when I did start to lose weight I was verging on being ill.

Ironically my mother is now fat with a wine gut but would I say anything to her about her weight? Would I dare!

My dad was basically absent (there but he literally doesn't speak to anyone, has never so much as taken us to the park or brushed my hair), my mum is snappy, sarcastic and at time neglectful (sending me to school in unwashed clothes or not taking me to the doctor when I was sick.) At the same time she is a huge perfectionist and would yell at us for wearing unmatched clothes or whatever.

It fucked me up for a long time. I'm getting better now at almost 40.

My parents were extremely traditional....I.e man works for money and wifey obeys him. It destroyed me.

Like when wifey went abroad to see family, daughters had to serve the men. To the point traditional man/father requested older daughter takes wife's place in bed.of course I said no. Really fucked me up for life though

If you'd asked me this when I was young - say... Early 20s- I would have said it had very little effect on me. But I've found as I've gotten older and gained more experience I would say it's affected me massively. The older I get, the more I feel affected by it. I think it just takes you a while to notice it because you need to have been through things and interacted with a variety of people in lots of different circumstances before you really start to notice how "different" you are as an adult, and in what ways.

It's not all bad - my childhood really wasn't brilliant and it left me with a lot issues, but some of the differences I have noticed are positive. We're all affected by our childhoods in some way.

My mum died of cancer when I was 13. My dad got throat cancer before that, and had no voice, which made me angry. My parents married because she was pregnant with my elder sister. They disliked each other probably because of that, you married in those days. I think my mum resented being trapped. My sister cried a lot as a baby. One of my aunts said she thought the baby was unsettled due to mum's detachment. I was born a few years later. I was a mother's girl, my sister was my dad's favourite.

My dad was violent to my mum, including when she was very ill. After my mum died, the next few years were horrible. My dad used to take his frustrations out on me, I looked so like my mum he used to look at me with hatred. My sister and I should have pulled together but we did not get on. She left home when she was 18, she went off the rails, I only saw her a few times after that. Lived on eggshells until I got out too. I can now read the temperature of a room quickly and I am very attuned to what's going on around me, that's a throwback to childhood for sure.

I am facing a shit situation in work today. Remembering the childhood I had has made me resilient. If I could survive that I can survive anything. That's perhaps a positive effect of a shit childhood.

My dad's childhood shaped him. Brought up in a home until his much elder brother and wife took him in. He felt like a nuisance and was unloved. He was very bitter. Life was not kind to him. My poor mum died so young. I think her childhood was a happy one, although she came from a broken home.

I never think about my childhood but it has had a lasting effect in so many ways.

His lack of voice made him angry, not me.

No trauma as such but it has made me the opposite of my parents. My mum didn’t work when we were little; no family for childcare and no nurseries like now, childminder not an option on the income she would have earned. We never had money, although my dad had an OK job we weren’t wealthy and never had much for extras. I now spend, spend, spend and if I see something I want I get it, my DH is very generous with me as well. I have slightly calmed down now I’m almost 40 but it was a “fuck you” after years of “we can’t afford it”, “you don’t NEED Nike trainers” etc.

We never went abroad; wouldn’t have even if we were millionaires as my dad hates heat and doesn’t cope with anything different and I think we missed out there. When I was about 9ish my DGM offered to pay for a dream holiday, dad refused as 1) he couldn’t accept help (money wise) for the sake of his pride and 2) it would have been his idea of hell. Now I’m older I’m like WTF? Denying us that opportunity because he didn’t want to. Both my parents deny this ever happening.

Even now, they think I ‘waste’ money. My mum can’t understand why I get my nails done and when I was made redundant actually said “Well, that’ll have to stop now.” Well, no it won’t thanks.
I was living with now-DH by then so no idea why she even commented, not like I was asking her to pay.

They are ok and we generally have an ok relationship and do each other favours but I feel like they didn’t understand children and they struggle now to find common ground as if I mention we’ve say, been out for breakfast, they’re “But you could have had that at home”.

I had a good childhood and had a loving family. My brother then 14 became extremely ill when I was 16 and was in hospital fighting for his life for 2 months and then a further 4 months of rehabilitation. I was left at home for most of this time. I was fine, my nan and grandad would pop in and out and I would often sleep there. But it did have an impact my brother was left with brain damage and mental health problems and my dad had too leave work too care for him. He was too strong for my mum. I moved out at 17 and got a job left college. Had a baby and started my own family young. My mum asked me one day is it because my brother took all their attention and I needed too find that love and security again and thinking about it. Maybe it was. My dad ran off with another woman when I was 24 and that has scarred me. They were married for 26 years and had a good loving marriage. We even went on a family holiday two weeks before he left and you would have never known he was having an affair. I now find myself waiting for that too happen too me. Silly I know but I feel if my dad could do it. I shouldn't trust anyone.

I learnt not to talk about my feelings as you have to be positive don't you! Currently hiding depression, stress and anxiety.

Treats were so restricted I went to sneakily buy them myself. I'm currently many stones over weight. I don't think I would be if food had been more sensibly thought of rather than restricted.

I learnt I'd always be the less important friend from my childhood friends. I still am.

I can't have children and at nearly 40 that's utterly shite. Not one of my family have ever asked how I feel about that even though they've known since I was a child.

I think everyone is a product of their upbringing, good or bad.

I had a mostly lovely childhood but various things have affected decisions I have made. Dad is a working class grammar school boy done very well for himself - therefore I’m extremely hard working and value education and career highly. Mum very depressed, anxious and bitter after their divorce - therefore detest shows of emotion and/or ‘weakness’.

It does make you think about how you interact with your own children, regardless of how young they are.

I have EUPD and CPTSD as a result of my childhood/adolescence. At 45 I'm only now getting to a point where I'm not bloody furious with my parents. It's made me question my own parenting too and I'm very fearful of screwing my own kids up.

Suffered with manic depression as a early teen and ocd from the age of 8 which no one would ever diagnose until I was older. As a result went completely off the rails. Alcoholic at 17 living in a pretty grimy house share and just being all round massively irresponsible which led to me being in an extremely traumatic violent situation.
Now got things under control but I am a massive control freak, prefer my own company and hardly let my dc out of my site. Can't have anyone on my personal space apart from my DH and dc and haven't had a haircut, been to the doctors in years. Feel guilty every day that I can't bring myself to take my children swimming and they've still never been at 2.