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Original poster

5 year old - 1 hour to get to sleep... HELP!

53 replies

cjt110 · 27/08/2019 14:35

DS had always been an OK sleeper. Went through his nighttime wakings which we dealt with.

Approx 3 months ago he asked if i could sit with him when he went to sleep. He never asked for this so I agreed - something may have spooked him etc and he wanted comfort.

Here I am 3 months on and I am tearing my bloody hair out.

We get him ready for bed at 7. He's usually in bed at the latest for 7.30.

The night usually goes as so:

He asks me to sit with him. I do and he talks. I tell him not to talk or I will go out. He talks. I go out. He cries - panics - almost like he is having a panic attack. I go back in. Tell him not to talk and I will sit with him 'til he goes to sleep. He talks or starts to drop off. I go out. He comes in to the lounge (it's next to his room) and says he cant sleep can i stay with him. i do and the whole saga above ensues.

Last night after an hour, DH came down and sat with him. He was asleep within minutes and doesn't go through any of the above with husband.

I feel like I am a failure. He is 5 and won't go to sleep. That I can't get him to go to sleep.

By the time the saga is finished I am shattered and cant be arsed to do household things and usually end up in bed an hour later myself.

Please, if anyone can give any advice, I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
HysteryMystery · 27/08/2019 16:25

How do you tell him to to talk?
"Quiet, it's bed time" worked for us. Not engaging in conversation. Do you play music to him? I play music on my phone whilst reading a book on the black screen. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Turn my back. They got the message relatively quickly and once the music is on, no more talking.

HysteryMystery · 27/08/2019 16:25

That should say "how do you tell him not to talk?"

NoKnit · 27/08/2019 16:38

How about putting him to bed later? If he isn't going to sleep until 8:30 don't put him to bed until 8:30. If it takes him an hour to go to sleep he isn't tired

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Original poster
cjt110 · 27/08/2019 19:24

I say to him "right. No more talking. Go to sleep. Its bedtime. I will sit here but if you talk I'll go out"

So like now hes been playing holy hell for my husband. He usually is good. Crying for me. Hysterical.

I can't do this much longer

OP posts:
Pogmella · 27/08/2019 19:32

What was it like when he was at school? Wondering if he’s tired enough I guess.

Original poster
cjt110 · 27/08/2019 19:35

Not nearly as bad as this but it all started in May.

Ive had to come out of the house. Hes absolutely hysterical and my husband is insisting he sort it out.

So close to screaming or crying.

Hes crying out for me. Husband is saying to not go to him and he will deal with it. But I cant sit there and listen.

Sat in the car. I feel like a failure.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 27/08/2019 19:38

Change his routine. His behaviour has become a bad habit.
Nice story time, a gentle lullaby playlist, a little nightlight and goodnight.
Be firm it’s bed time and you expect him to be quiet and go to sleep.if he comes downstairs take him back up with no more conversation than ‘ it’s bedtime’. No cuddling , no chatting, no eye contact or carrying.
If he stays in his bed at first attempt reward in the morning - counters in a jar, stars on a chart or similar. End of week ‘spend’ his rewards on a small toy or treat.

CherryPavlova · 27/08/2019 19:39

If you cannot cope then do leave your husband to sort it. Your son is manipulating you rather than being truly distressed.

JuniperOakPark · 27/08/2019 19:40

If you go in now he has just learned that this hysteria is what it takes to get you to do what he wants.

Stay in the car.

In the day chat to him about expectations for bedtime which don't include you sitting with him. Does he want a little light on? Do not engage in conversation with him, if he gets out of bed rapid return him, put him back in bed, no eye contact do not make it in any way rewarding for him.

Pogmella · 27/08/2019 19:40

Oh no! We had almost the same with DSS who is 5. It was after his mum started co sleeping which was what we put it down to but maybe it is just a stage? We put the cat in with him as co sleeping not possible at our place. Stuff I read at the time was not to leave him when he’s distressed, slowly move father away, help him learn to self settle again.

Was tough though. Unlike a baby struggling to settle they can be a lot more verbal and challenging! Took a few months and we came out of it.

Flumb · 27/08/2019 19:40

This is exactly the same as my DD also 5. When dh does bedtime she gets one story then he leaves the room. With me I have to sit and stroke her arm until she falls asleep (takes anywhere between 30mins to 1.5hours!).
She talks loads and I tried the whole 'i'll leave if you're not quiet' but she freaks out if I do leave - can't leave her to tantrum as she'll wake her little brother.
I've found that actually letting her talk means she's more likely to settle quicker. When she asks me stuff I try to keep answers short and just keep reminding her it's bedtime and time to sleep.
If you do discover a way to get him to settle please share it.

katmarie · 27/08/2019 19:41

What is he talking about? Does he need some time one on one with you before bed perhaps to process his day? Maybe that would help?

Pogmella · 27/08/2019 19:41

Oh yes! And a sticker chart on the hall so he could get a trip to the railway centre. Sticker for a good bedtime and 2nd in the morning if he stayed in room all night.

Belgravian · 27/08/2019 19:42

That sounds awful for everyone.

I would never have let my child be hysterical in wanting me to be with him so I think your husband is being unintentionally cruel.

I wasn’t very rigid about bedtimes and as a result didn’t have the tantrums or any stress.

It’s a lot of pressure to be told that you must sleep NOW.

Try a later bedtime.

Original poster
cjt110 · 27/08/2019 19:51

He was hysterical crying for me. But if I go he learns his behaviour gets what he wants.he has a nightlight. He has a musical owl. His teddies. Comfy bedding.

I am not sitting in silence in my own house anymore when its bedtime

He is just 5. 7.30 is his bedtime. Otherwise what time do I get to myself between work, childcare, house work...

I literally feel like a failure.

OP posts:
Original poster
cjt110 · 27/08/2019 19:51

He shouted at my husband "dont kill me" and how he wanted me not daddy. That must hurt.

OP posts:
Belgravian · 27/08/2019 19:53

He’s only 5! Poor little boy.

Pogmella · 27/08/2019 19:59

Look when they get properly knackered they are beyond reason. I would probably hug it out tonight and plan a strategy to agree with him for tomorrow

Rachelover40 · 27/08/2019 20:25

I used to let mine sit downstairs with us, playing with things, reading a bit, drawing or whatever he wanted and eventually snuggling up to one of us or in between us while husband and I watched TV and talked. Then we'd carry him to bed when he fell asleep. It was pleasant and cosy.

I was never much of a one for strict bedtimes and remember when I was a young child, I'd be wide awake in bed for hours before hearing my parents come up. I might as well have been downstairs doing something I liked.

babasaclover · 27/08/2019 20:25

You are absolutely not a failure. We are having similar with my 3 year old. I cannot believe how manipulative she can be. It's truly shocking.

For me though my husband says ignore her, she's playing you and then goes back to sleep. I cannot sleep through it. So frustrating. She asks for cuddles and kisses - hard to be harsh to her but OMG stay asleep child.

This is not you at fault, it is your child trying their luck - it's not simple or easy to break though, especially when they get so distressed. Sending hugs to you x

NoKnit · 27/08/2019 20:26

7.30 is his bedtime. Otherwise what time do I get to myself between work, childcare, house work...

Well obviously not the hour you are putting him to bed 🙄
But he's taking an hour to go to sleep? At 5 he needs somewhere between 10-12 hours maybe he just doesn't need that much sleep? What time does he get up?

If you won't budge on 7:30 being bed (ideally sleep) time then start the process at 6:30 to see if that works? Then he'll be asleep by 7:30? Just in case he is overtired

NoKnit · 27/08/2019 20:28

You aren't a failure, it's tough, 5 year olds are a challenge. It I honestly think that a later bedtime or relaxing it more will work

Original poster
cjt110 · 27/08/2019 20:53

He sleeps til 6/7 depending how he is. Today he slept til 7.10. Last week he woke at 5.30.

Hes asleep.

I drove to the shop and cried all the way.

Hes a good kid and I love him but wow.. I cant cope with this.

He's my world. But right now.. I dont know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Belgravian · 27/08/2019 21:10

What to do next?

Comfort your child not disappear.

It’s not ‘giving in’ it’s showing your distressed child that you care and by comforting you will allay his fears.

I imagine tomorrow night may well be worse as he may now be feeling insecure about you’re not being there.

Rachelover40 · 27/08/2019 21:10

You're far from being a failure, bless you. Kids are trying at times but he will change so much over the next year or so.

Flowers