Does anyone feel on the outside of friendship groups?

[Faith50]

I have always had this problem and realise I am the problem. I am on the edge in most groups. It is like everyone got the manual and I did not. I struggle with people and do not know why. I am an introvert and always felt I had to compensate for my flat personality.

As a child I was shy and waited to be invited into groups.

As a teenager I was bullied and had three friends throughout the five years. Each friend dumped me to hang out with more interesting peers. At school there were popular girls who everyone ran up to.

In my 20's I felt I was chasing to maintain friendships.

In my 30's and 40's I had very few friendships but they did/do value me.

I feel boring, unlikeable and not exciting enough. My dh finds me funny and entertaining.

I also experience this and I’m an introvert too. I do sometimes wonder if I send out ‘I’d rather be on my own vibes’ as I do enjoy my own company.

I often find my social anxiety kicks in making me feel awkward and clunky which leads to a different interpretation of my true personality if that makes sense. I feel relaxed around my DP which I suppose, in turn, let’s me show my true personality!

No real advice, it’s a vicious circle for me, I avoid situations where I could potentially make friends and don’t spend long enough with individuals to get comfortable enough to show my real personality.

Have you looked at finding something that reflects your interests, I’m sure you’d find more like minded people there?

I struggle with friends. I find the whole thing completely exhausting. I am very much an introvert person. Going out to parties and evenings out is not my idea of fun.

I have had friends in my life but most of them pass through and none have ever stayed. I have huge mental health problems and medical problems and can disappear for months on end and people always are never there when I re surface and can face the world again. I get blamed for not being in contact and ignoring them. I don’t tend to bother anymore.
I am lonely

@Faith50. I read your post and I thought I could have more or less written what you have wrote. I was away on a short break last week and with more time on my hands thought about this a lot and was thinking about starting a thread to on Mumsnet to see if there was anyone else like me.

I was a very shy child and was bullied badly as a teenager. For me the bullying has had long term effects.

In secondary school I became part of a group of five 'friends'. I have known these girls for over twenty years but in my head it is like a circle and the rest of them are inside of the circle and I am on the outside of it and it has always been like this. All the rest of them would have very close friendships with at least one or two of the others in the group and I wouldn't have this with any of them. I found I was getting left out of things that all the others seemed to know. I was left out of a few life changing events which I was completely gutted about. I found myself withdrawing from making contact and to be honest I really don't think any of them care and the friendship has completely slid to nothing.

I too find that my dh and children are the only ones I completely let my guard down and be myself with but I would like to let others in but its just knowing how? It feels like a bit of a vicious circle really but I don't want my insecurities to be passed on to my children.

Yes I feel this way too . Excluded in quite a few ways

In your 50s though, OP, like I am, you stop giving a shit really .

I made a “new friend” a few months back. We seemed to have lots in common and I thought “great, someone on my wavelength”. But over time I’ve realised she really isn’t! I have friends but I wouldn’t say anyone close that I particularly look forward to spending time with. It’s more something I do because I feel I should, rather than actually wanting to. A lot of my friends like a good “boogie” (as they call it) and I hate dancing, or spa days, which are my idea of hell! But I don’t know how to meet people who I would have more in common with.

Like a PP, now I’m nearly 50 I don’t care! I think there’s a lot to be said for enjoying your own company. I know lots of people who can’t bear to be alone. But it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I have a sister and 2 adult DC that I’m very close to, and do very much enjoy spending time with, so for me its quality over quantity.

Faith, I could have written your post. I only have a 2 or 3 friends but none that I feel really close to in that I could pick up the phone and talk to if I really needed to (that's probably a lot to do with me tbh). I am a sahm and have got used to spending time alone (I also have an engrossing hobby which helps absorb my time/thoughts). If I had a bit more time, I would definitely join a couple more groups just to have a bit more of a social life/different outlook. I miss work a bit - just having a conversation with someone during the day, structure etc but in another way I don't miss the pressure and when my youngest starts school I hope to do some voluntary work to this end.

I have a friend who is always visiting/out with friends and this to me seems too exhausting - I think I get exhausted by people sadly apart from the one or two friends that I have. Similar history - bullied etc and dumped by peers, a bit of a loner at secondary school. Friendships only really developed late 30's. I seem quite happy to sit on the edge of groups and listen to people talk - I only really enjoy meeting with one or two people at most at any one time, I feel quite uncomfortable usually in group situations.

Everyone on this thread might want to read up on ASD in women....sadly seriously underdiagnosed in women, especially older women.

Look up aspergers symptoms in women and see if you relate. You totally might not, but I thought I was an introvert with possible mental health issues, doctor reckons I'm autistic, assessment here I come.... 😅 Goes very undiagnosed in women as we camouflage better than men.

Agirlhasnoshame I enjoy gardening, cycling and baking.

Dontgiveamonkeys It is hard being alone a lot of the time.

Albaba As a teenager I wpykd cry daily at being bullied and deemed as unlikeable by my peers. It gave me a huge complex about my looks and personality. It is painful when you step back from a friendship and realise the other person is not at all bothered. Like you I try to hide my insecurities from my DC.

Leysa I have noticed I am beginning to care less. Sometimes it takes me unaware. Perhaps when an event happens and I am not invited
Asta Thanks for the encouragement

Nightjar I too meet with friends one on one. I do not want to fight to be heard.

Caille and Deadcucumber I believe three is an element of ASD.

I can relate to all these posts 100%. I am so lonely so much of the time. I'm very introverted and have suspected for a long time that I am on the autistic spectrum.

I've never done well in 'groups'. Some of the saddest times in my life were at uni/post uni years where I had a group of friends but I was very much on the outside. The group was quite big so no one in particular told me to 'fuck off' and I was kind of tolerated but there was definitely a sort of inner circle who would ring round each other and I'd not be in on it. I guess I was the tagalong.

I don't really do groups now, I'm much better at 1 on 1 friendships and have a few good friends. I've come to terms with it but when I was younger it was definitely the great 'sadness' of my life.

Hi OP

Mine was an event I was invited too .. Two of them in fact and at both I felt pretty sidelined . Now, I have known these people for over a decade so it might be me (I am in the menopause) but I really don't think it is.

OP could you not find a club or regular meeting to do with one of those interests?

@clouds . One of the worst times, for me, was circa 1988 or so . Went to a party in a pub of a group I used to hang around with (I had changed jobs) and somebody was pretty mean in what she said . She barely even knew me . I walked out and that was the last I ever saw of any of them . Not one of them came to my defence. I was hurt , so I get you and your post . Perhaps, with luck, similar happened to them at some point in life.

I can identify with this. All my life, I have been on the edge of groups, invited to some things but missed out of lots. Never in the photos or the in jokes.

But what is different now is that I'm on the edge of about 4-5 different groups, some of which overlap, so I'm always busy socially. Plus I have made some older (25 years older than me) friends whose company I value & they mine. And I am happy in my own company, with a good book or rubbish telly! I always have been, but it's only since having kids I've realised that's ok. It still smarts when I see photos of events I've not been invited to, though

I've often thought I must have ASD due to this & being terrible with practical things & coordination although very academic. My DS2 is autistic so maybe I passed it on to him. But he is great as he is, so I must be too!

It seems all the more hurtful to be let in a little but not quite enough to make you feel accepted or valued. I felt invisible all the way through school. I wanted to matter to even just one person but never did.

My therapist told me that some groups have an outsider to make the others feel closer and give them a sense of cohesion and belonging. That was definitely my role/purpose in the group I was in. Or out, I should say.

Cloudscanlook I agree with this view. I would wonder if peers at school, college, in the workplace ever noticed I was on the outside. I realised as long as it was not happening to them they really did not care.

Everytime I was not included it sent a message that I simply do not have any substance.

I avoid being in groups at all costs as it brings back awful memories.

Yes, never pretty/cool/funny/smart/naughty enough!

I see facebook posts of groups of girls on big nights out, sometimes people belong to multiple groups and I just don't. I'm better in small groups anyway.

I did have two friends who did belong to one of these groups and there were always stories of factions in the group.

What I did despise most (now, as I said, it bothers me not) is when you are talking but the person you are talking TOO is looking elsewhere and clearly not interested . These, as I say, are people I have known a long long time .
I do have a few friends who are not like this . . As my DM says .
Its not the quantity its the quality.

Same. Took me years to even pluck up courage to post here, or elsewhere on the Internet, because of this. Don't know the answer, or even if there is one. I'm an only child so that probably has something to do with it. Like LaysaV, I care a lot less these days. I have DP, but I don't have any friends.

I don’t have any friends now, none I see more than once every few years anyway.

Life moved on.

I have great work colleagues, other families we do things with and my family. What more could I want?

What I did despise most (now, as I said, it bothers me not) is when you are talking but the person you are talking TOO is looking elsewhere and clearly not interested.

Yes, I can totally relate to this - I just couldn't be friends with someone like this and wouldn't invest time or energy now.

Little Miss Engineer - I think you have to put in the effort too but I just don't have it to give.

I have made a really unwise friendship choice even relatively recently and in the end had to 'defriend' them. I have also been (not sure if this is the correct term - gas lighted - if that means dropped without any apparent reason and that was an extremely hurtful experience). My life is fairly full really but with a toddler and being a sahm it can be a bit isolating sometimes (I go to toddler groups but these can be soul destroying). Fortunately though, I have developed a few interests/hobbies and hope to join a few more groups connected to these when time allows.

I don’t really have any friends since I moved to a new city 7 years ago. I went back to my hometown last week and met up with some old friends and it was lovely, it just felt so natural. My trouble is making and maintaining new friendships. I think i’m Just more interested in DH.