How to deal with family members who smack.

[SlightlyColdToast]

We were visiting PILs recently, and SIL was there with her toddler DC. I knew she used to smack her (much) older DC, but thought she had stopped this. Toddler was playing up a little, but nothing too bad, and SIL shouted and smacked them round the legs. Nobody knew where to look and nothing was said at the time. We have a small baby DC who will certainly not be smacked. I felt really uncomfortable at my DC witnessing that situation, baby did seem to realise something was wrong as was looking at me then back at SIL. We left soon after. I haven't had a chance to speak to DH about it yet, but I'm not sure how to bring it up or to explain how uncomfortable it made me feel. Without it sounding like I'm having a go at his family

Sorry you're faced with this difficult dilemma OP. Thanks for wanting to protect children. I agree with owl89 and others who share their sentiments. Children need our protection not violence.

You ask for advice. I feel that reading this leaflet from the NSPCC and then building up the courage to gently discuss it with your in laws may be an idea. It may be hard but I bet it's much harder for the children getting hit by those they love.

See this website and then download the leaflet in PDF called positive parenting:

learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/leaflets/positive-parenting/

All the best! x

Being able to parent effectively and assert boundaries shouldn’t ever include smacking.

I’m surprised at the replies on this thread considering mumsnet is usually so anti smacking.

I’d be taking my child and leaving and telling sil I thought it was disgusting she smacked her toddler.

But then I’m probably not the best person to ask. I don’t take any shit from in laws or anyone else- probably why I haven’t seen them for 2 years and happy with that! (Dh doesn’t see them either to be fair, they’re awful).

It's a bit of a tricky one to approach especially as you haven't reached the toddler stage yet, I used to hate people with children younger than mine trying to give me advice. Maybe try speaking to you MIL and say that it made you concerned and you don't know how to approach your SIL and see if she can have a word saying as she would know her better, there might be something else going on that you don't know about.

Smacking should be banned. I really don't see why it is acceptable to smack small children when if you did the same to an adult, you would rightly be arrested.

My mother used to smack us occasionally when she got cross and I left her in no doubt that if she ever did that to my children, she would never see them again. Honestly I wouldn't sit there and watch someone doing it to their children either.

I wouldn't ever left my SIL babysit for a start

Although I agree that smacking isn’t ideal, I can never get behind the notion “if you did it to an adult...”

There’s lots of things we do to/with children you wouldn’t do to an adult. I wouldn’t sit an adult out, I wouldn’t make them do their reading book, I wouldn’t dictate what an adult can eat, I wouldn’t make an adult put a raincoat on...

Regardless of anyone's thoughts on this, it isn't illegal. There's really nothing the OP can do about it. The SIL will carry on parenting as she sees fit. Unless the OP thinks there is actual abuse going on (whatever people's personal views, current UK law does not consider a slap round the legs as child abuse) there's really nothing that can be done.

I feel for you OP. I have a family member who is a smacker too and I absolutely hate it. I have grown up DC, who I've never smacked and are lovely, well-behaved great almost adults (as I know all the smackers will be convinced they must be ill disciplined and badly behaved) and I find it incredibly difficult to be in the presence of someone who thinks hitting a small child is in any way acceptable.

I've talked about my own parenting techniques (hopefully not in a preachy way, but just in general) and I've even asked if the family member isn't worried that the DC might mention being hit at school, but it all falls on deaf ears. I think that those people who think hitting small children are ok won't change their mind, as they see it as some kind of 'right'.

It is a fair point @jimdandy, but to me violence is violence and it isn't acceptable to use it on anyone who you have power over. Maybe I should have phrased it like that instead.

That's exceptionally poor parenting. I'd have had to say something to SIL, then leave.
I can't understand why anyone would think that an adult human assaulting a toddler isn't everyone's business?

I've never been smacked, neither has SIL or DH, none of my friends or relatives with children do it, I've worked with children long enough to have a decent grasp of alternative behavioural management techniques and if I did smack I would see it as a failure in my parenting. So yes I did find it shocking and I'm afraid I won't apologise for that.

I will share the NSPCC link with DH when we talk about it, thanks. I get that it is technically none of my business, but frankly I have no wish to be around someone who thinks that is acceptable behaviour. I have had reservations about SIL in the past regarding some of her parenting choices, but after this, no, she will not be having my child alone for the foreseeable future

If you are in England, where smacking is legal, then you should chalk it up to a difference in parenting and mind your own. If that feels like a cop out and you feel strongly enough about it, then write to your mp about a change in the law. As you say, make sure that she won't be minding your children in the future and leave it at that. There's no need for any fuss beyond that, surely?

I think i would not want to be around that. I'd be avoiding them for sure. Unfortunately i think people who do that can't be reasoned with. In my eyes its inappropriate. Obviously if you see abuse going on, confront it. Otherwise, i think it falls into the category of bad parenting.

I got the odd smack growing up, nothing barbaric, but hit when it was deserved. Not traumatised, scarred or scared. Very much love and idolise my dad.

As a child I was far better behaved than my cousins who I grew up with, who weren't smacked. I was more disciplined as a person and done far better at school. I'm forever grateful for the strict way I was brought up because it's turned me into a far better adult.

Struggling to see the issue here. Differences in parenting which may well show in the way each of your respective DCs turn out.

Mind your own business

I don't think I'd be able to mind my own business on this; I think I'd have to cut contact as much as possible because I wouldn't want my DC to grow up watching an adult behave that way to a child and know that I did nothing to try and stop it.

The whole "never did me any harm" doesn't justify why being bigger and older makes you entitled to harm a child and there's no excusing it. My two DC haven't ever been smacked and they're great, well-rounded, well-mannered children. It's perfectly possible to raise lovely DC without needing to use any kind of violence in the home. It's also possible to be a strict parent with high expectations of your DC without smacking. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

My siblings are smackers, one especially so. Our children are all similar ages and I couldn’t accept mine witnessing this regularly, so we see far less of their cousins than we otherwise would. Sad but our parents were abusive (our grandparents more so) and it goes down the generations unless you’re lucky like me and meet a partner with a better upbringing and get therapy.

I would make it clear I don’t agree with it but as long as they aren’t slapping my children I wouldn’t feel the need to say anything....

Why didn’t the Toddlers mother do something ?

If she’s ok with it then odds are she slaps aswell and that’s thier business I suppose.

There’s a difference between a small tap on the leg than a full slap and leaving marks on a child - just my opinion.

I disagree with smacking, but I also don't think you're the right person to raise it because family dynamics are complex and it can cause more issues than it solves.

I think any issues like this regarding your husband's side of the family need to come from him.

I was in our local town centre and a woman was hitting her child (5/6 year old) she did it 4 times hitting so hard there was a loud cracking sound each time and the child really screamed and was sobbing.As we walked further down the street I heard it again, we approached the local pcsos and asked them to please intervene, they said they would but it was only an offence if the child was marked (she definitely would've been). Why is it even ok to lay your hands on another person aggressively? If you touched an adult like that it would be assault.
I would not be around her OP, all this turn a blind eye nonsense wouldn't be said able assault in any other context.

I think à good start with this issue is to be honest about what it is, stop calling it smacking, it's hitting a child. If anyone did this in front of my child is be telling them loudly, not to be worried or frightened that we don't hit other people in our family because hitting someone isn't kind. GAF what the hitter thinks. They can try and smack me if they like, except they won't it's always small children who they feel the need to assault.

That's awful WhyBirdStop. It really should be illegal so that people are in no doubt that its unacceptable to assault children. Loads of studies have shown it makes behaviour worse in the long term. My eldest is 15 and it's perfectly possible to bring up well behaved kids without hitting them. Feels like we are lagging behind when it's illegal in so many other countries.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/science/children-smacking-more-aggressive-antisocial-scientists-study-behaviour-punishment-kids-parents-a8061471.html%3famp

baby did seem to realise something was wrong as was looking at me then back at SIL.

Small babies don’t have a sense of other to realise anything was wrong - basically if it doesn’t physically happen to them, at baby stage they don’t have the mental capacity to understand something happening to someone else. You’re projecting your own views onto your small baby.

I don’t agree with smacking at all, I do think people make different parenting choices and think the level of approbation levelled at parents who do snack actively prevents parents being able to acknowledge they struggle with discipline and to seek support to do things differently. If anything I’d be drawing closer, offering support, recognising how hard the toddler years are and giving her space to think about other options.

Or you could sit on your high horse, from the vantage point of not having to actually parent a toddler yet and proclaim what a shit mum she is and revel in your smug condemnation of another woman who is clearly in the trenches with her toddler, and struggling to get it right.

I think I would just avoid being around that person tbh. Sadly it is still legal (I wish it wasn't) and I don't think voicing my disagreement would help, but I wouldn't be willing for my dc to have to deal with watching another child being abused.

Bizarre that some are saying that this is none of your business. It absolutely is your business when it concerns your child growing up to witness something that you’d rather they didn’t. Your SIL is (sadly) entitled to hit her young child as the law in ebgland currently stands. Bonkers. You are equally as entitled to take steps to avoid your child from witnessing their cousin being hit.

It’s family so of course it’s your business.
Kids who hit other kids are the ones who are used to violence. It solves nothing.
I feel for you op. I would have said something but then I really don’t care whether people don’t like that.
Hitting children is wrong.