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What’s it like being a parent to a grown up ?

76 replies

Lardlizard · 26/08/2019 23:52

I actually can’t imagine

Does it creep up so slowly you can’t notice

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 27/08/2019 09:23

Skittlenommer I can't understand why you would even open this thread let alone comment on it if you aren't a parent of a grown up. Given that's what the OP was asking about. Confused

I have a twenty year old and I am loving it. He has come out of the teenage years as a fully functioning adult. He's great company and when he's away I really miss him.
If you don't ocassionally worry about your DC once they are adults that would be very unusual.

proudestofmums · 27/08/2019 09:27

Wonderful, but the trick is to remember they ARE grown up. DS and DIL are abroad on holiday at the moment and the last time I saw him I couldn’t stop myself reminding him to take his passport! Luckily he took it in good part

chipsandgin · 27/08/2019 09:31

@Skittlenomer being casually snide, especially on a topic you genuinely can’t understand is pretty unpleasant though isn’t it?

Most (good) parents are selfless enough to realise that the ‘life sentence’ is worth it in a way you really, truly could never understand. The sacrifice and the worry are there because of the love and the love is what makes it worth it.

If you have made the completely valid choice to be child free and have a life that can be entirely self centred then you then good for you - you’ll have more freedom and never have to worry, you’ll also never experience the other side of the coin. Different but not better - not worth it for you, fair enough, but clearly worth it for the people to whom this thread is aimed at?

Having your ‘children aren’t worth it’ opinion doesn’t mean you have to butt in and piss on everyone else’s chips (or does it? Perhaps a constant need to pop in and spout your irrelevant opinion on a thread that doesn’t apply remotely to you means you aren’t that ‘ok’ with it after all...”The lady doth protest too much, methinks” & all that!). Nobody likes a know it all, especially when they don’t actually know what they’re talking about..

NoEntryIntoTheMind · 27/08/2019 09:39

I've not got a grown up yet, but I have a teenager.

Its such a shift already. I'm definitely still mum and he's still a typical teenager, especially with regards to pulling his weight, but I'm excited about the future we hopefully have together. He is smart, witty and we are enjoying some similar areas of interest, reading similar books/watching tv programmes.

Conversations have changed too - he wants to discuss the state of the UK, and how things affect everyone. He has been reading more about the world, without me prompting him to. What has surprised me is that these moments show me the adult he will grow up to be, and so far I like what I see.

Disclaimer - he hasn't yet discovered proper dating or going out drinking. I suspect we have a couple of rocky 'finding himself' years, but for the most part, I've really enjoyed watching him develop into the person he wants to be. That cuts from how he is, to how he treats his friends.

I must remind myself of this when I'm cursing him later for leaving a mess after making himself food again. But I'm really excited for the grown up he will be and making the most of the time we have.

Toneitdown · 27/08/2019 09:44

It’s not worth it IMO

Did you regret having children?

No, as I don’t have any but if I had then I know I would have absolutely regretted it!

Um ok... Are you sure about that? Seems really weird that someone who is happy with not having children would be posting on a thread like this. You know it's ok to change your mind and just have a baby? Lots of people say they don't want kids when they are young and then change their mind when they get older. I think you're better off just going for it and having a baby than being a miserable bugger and posting all over parenting forums about how totally ok you are with your decision not to have kids. It's not very convincing. The people I know who are happily child free don't do this. They just get on with their lives.

ShippingNews · 27/08/2019 10:07

Yes, it does creep up on you. One minute you're stressing about them learning to drive / doing final exams at school, and suddenly they fly away , get jobs, get married, become parents . Mine are 33 and 35, and I love being their mum. We love spending time together and it's wonderful to know these two adults so well. They are both very loving and tell me I'm the best mum ever - it's the best !

CokeZeroHero · 27/08/2019 10:43

I've also noticed @Skittlenommer - just a weird internet freak I think, based on what I've read

As to answer the OP. I have a 21 year old and a 12 year old and yep, it just creeps up on you as time passes. I parent her in the same way I always have to be honest. She loves it Grin

Graphista · 27/08/2019 11:51

Good thread idea.

Mostly you grow with them and adjust as a parent as they age.

I love children (was a nanny before I was a mum) but quite honestly I HATE primary school age, they're just annoying at that point and fart jokes are just not that funny. My favourite stages are baby/toddler and teens on.

Teens into adulthood you can have much more in depth and satisfying conversations with them, there's a lot more you can share with them both physical activities and things like more mature films & tv, you really start to see their personalities becoming stronger. Very exciting.

However, it's also bloody heartbreaking. Skint knees, nightmares and toothache are much easier to deal with than friendship dilemmas, broken hearts and career decisions! Dds boyfriend, her first "serious" one has just joined the police and is away doing his initial training and she's missing him like crazy and there's NOTHING I can do to make her feel better. She's also worried about him BEING a police officer which I totally understand (brother is also police) but again I can't stop her worries.

She also has a disability, it's not too bad at the moment (we seem to be managing it well at this point) but there are potential future issues with pregnancy and childbirth and ageing that could mean she ends up in more pain or incapacitated or worse. So it's hard to worry about that.

I've raised her alone since she was almost 3, her dad is useless! That's caused heartbreak too (and now I can't even have a word with him when he lets her down as she doesn't want me too plus he's blocked me!) that's not been easy but it means we do have a lovely close relationship due to that shared experience, wee "in jokes" and phrases and verbal shorthand and references to events that are just ours. Even films and music that are "ours".

I'm now in that difficult phase of adjusting to stepping back and letting her be an adult, not easy.

I used to think my mum was daft saying she still worries about us 3 and we're all in our 40's now, but I'm starting to "get it" from her perspective. Bro would fret anyone! Not only the police side but he's also somethings of an adrenaline junkie liking bungee jumping and cave diving etc and loves zooming about on his motorbike! My sister (who admittedly I'm Nc with) is a single mum with 3 DC who is constantly getting herself into dodgy situations, often needing bailed out financially or with basic life functions, I'm seriously mentally ill and also have a physical disability as a result of a car accident, it affects my spine and could worsen with age and I know she worries how I'll cope as I age.

"Skittlenommer I can't understand why you would even open this thread let alone comment on it if you aren't a parent of a grown up. Given that's what the OP was asking about" exactly - very strange way to behave!

.”"The lady doth protest too much, methinks” & all that!)." Yep! I have child free by choice family and friends and "mn friends" and they don't go on about how awful it is to be a parent, I suspect because they're perfectly confident and happy in their choice.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2019 11:53

Wonderful -and awful.

Somebody called it responsibility without power.

Skittlenommer · 27/08/2019 12:13

You know it's ok to change your mind and just have a baby? Lots of people say they don't want kids when they are young and then change their mind when they get older. I think you're better off just going for it and having a baby

I’d literally rather die! DH has already had a vasectomy and I have an appt for sterilisation later on this year! I find parents intriguing because I can’t fathom why anyone would put themselves through the exhaustion, stress and worry!

CokeZeroHero · 27/08/2019 12:29

What the bloody hell are you here for then? I mean, I know there's loads of non parents here and that's great, it's a chat forum - but you seem to here to rile people or use them as some odd personal case study

HotChocolateLover · 27/08/2019 12:30

My DS is nearly 17 🤦‍♀️ He’s still my baby and gives me hugs and kisses. In fact, he was doing the same to my mum yesterday and telling her he’d missed her as he hadn’t seen her for about 3 days 💗 It’s going to be so weird when he moves out one day.

Toneitdown · 27/08/2019 12:37

I’d literally rather die! DH has already had a vasectomy and I have an appt for sterilisation later on this year! I find parents intriguing because I can’t fathom why anyone would put themselves through the exhaustion, stress and worry!

Yeah, sure.... Calm down. Stop trying so hard. You really don't need to so desperately prove anything about your choices to strangers on the internet. You only have to answer to yourself.

kmammamalto · 27/08/2019 12:40

Love this thread. I find myself thinking about it alot too! DS is turning three and next one due next month. I love having a toddler which has surprised me and I will be sad to see it go but this makes me think the next stages are just as good!
Also @CokeZeroHero i think you are spot on. It's very strange behaviour. I for one am not knackered or miserable or worried all the time. I love my child and have a lovely life outside of them too. They make me a much better person than I ever could have become without them.

Titsywoo · 27/08/2019 12:41

I find parents intriguing because I can’t fathom why anyone would put themselves through the exhaustion, stress and worry!

Erm lots of reasons - children are more wonderful than they are stressful and exhausting!

Why did you get married knowing one day your husband will die and you'll be left grief stricken and alone?

TooGood2BeFalse · 27/08/2019 12:43

Skittlenomer you seems lonely, stop bullying and hijacking threads.

areyoubeingserviced · 27/08/2019 12:44

Agree that having children is a life sentence.
I thought that as they grew older that I would worry about them less, in fact I worry even more. At least when they were little, I knew where they were and what they were doing. Now, they are older and make their own choices and decisions

Belgravian · 27/08/2019 12:47

It’s satisfying seeing them be successful, independent and achieving their dreams.

It’s also lovely to have ask for my opinion or advice which is in stark contrast to a couple of years when they were teenagers and everything I said was wrong! 😂

I see more of my daughter now than when she was living at home and spent her time in her bedroom.

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/08/2019 13:54

Much nicer than parenting a teenager! I liove my girls (mid 20's) very very much and we are both really proud of the young women they have turned into. We will miss them when they leave home even though they sometimes drive us mad

jacala · 27/08/2019 13:59

It's great! You can do your own thing.

But. I can never get over that I don't know where they are at any given time.

It's funny when they buy you drink too at the pub.

BasiliskStare · 27/08/2019 15:16

I often miss when my Ds was a tiny tot seeing him throw his hands up in the air and shouting "mummy." Equally I love having him here as an adult and having chats and just nice affectionate times. He knows I love him , it just is different . Any stress I have been though is just worth it

LaurieFairyCake · 27/08/2019 15:26

Way better than when they lived at home, not one cross word or raised eyebrow since they went to uni.

When dd comes home we go to Ikea for meatballs and the market for ice cream. We drink gin and play cards.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/08/2019 15:29

I worry far more but I overall it's really good.

They are all so different and so lovely. Seeing my middle son become such a happy and involved parent has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Worrying he'll never be able to buy a house is awful though.

Asta19 · 27/08/2019 18:06

I think I worry less now they’re older. My DS has ASD and was bullied at school, had no friends etc. I used to worry so much about what the future held for him. But now he has a good job he enjoys, a wide circle of friends and is so confident. Likewise my DD had some MH issues. She got on a bit better at school but again not brilliantly. She’s now gone back to studying and is so much happier overall. For me it feels like I can finally stop worrying!

partysong · 27/08/2019 18:19

What a beautiful thread Thanks