For those of you who know adults with high functioning ASD

[Tobythecat]

What are their lives like? Can they work, drive? Do they have a relationship? Do they live alone? If they don't work, what do they do? As someone with ASD i'm curious.

I know two people with ASD, both women. One can't work a paid job but volunteers once a week. Lives in a flat with her boyfriend, no kids. Can't drive. Has a somewhat active social life/goes to groups etc.
The other woman is married, two kids (both have asd). Doesn't work but has in the past, done a lot of studying and has two masters degrees. Can drive. Has a somewhat active social life.

Then there's me. Never had a job, can't drive, no kids, never had a relationship, have a degree and live alone. Have one or two friends and don't get out that much.

Meant to post this in AIBU for traffic, oops!

Yes, my husband functions really well

We’re married, he has a very good job (which involves more spread sheets than people), he drives, we own our own home etc. He struggles with things like recognising emotions, making small tall, being in large groups etc. but I help him with those things, when I can.

If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t know he had an ASD diagnosis, you’d just think he was a bit shy and cranky.

My dd has level 1 autism/aspergers so not sure if that's the same.
Only diagnosed as a late teenager.
School and college couldn't see it as she masks so well but then is exhausted at home.
Just got herself a job and has moved out.
Life is still and always will be stressful for her but she's enjoying it.

Dh and I both have autism. Our son has is more severely than us and attends complex needs school.

Dh and I both did well academically but then it all sort of fell apart. Socially we just don’t cope well around other people. Our marriage works because we understand each other’s need for peace. I have other health conditions and these together with my asd means I can’t work. It’s too much for me.

Dh works full time in a fairly low paid admin type role and wants to work, but struggles to cope with the people around him. He doesn’t read people well and finds it hard, he gets very depressed and paranoid and has had long periods of being off work on sick leave because he’s nearly had a nervous breakdown. He takes strong anti depressants to reduce his anxiety but obviously nothing treats the autism! It’s very difficult.

Yes, my partner. He works, sporadically, but that's mainly due to him being an actor. He doesn't understand society and how to function in it - but that's because society is set up for and by NT people and doesn't take into account the needs and desires of those who are different.

He has had relationships but none long lasting and can't live with anyone. He needs time alone and has set routines that he has to follow in order to stay calm. He has meltdowns when too stimulated or confused by his inability to understand something or someone's actions. He has attachment issues and has been abused in the past.

He's also the kindest, loveliest and most generous person I've met. He sees the world in a different way and is an amazingly talented performer. I know lots of people in the theatre world who are on the spectrum. Many people in research and science as well. So it's not that you are unemployable, you are just trying to find your fit - and it's more difficult for you because, as I said, the world is set up for "normal".

It is difficult being his partner sometimes but I never want him to not be him.

You are not alone. There are many people out there for whom the world is a challenging place for whatever reason. Once you find those people you will feel less alone, trust me.

Do you only want people who have had a formal diagnosis, or who believe they could get a diagnosis, or who someone with some qualifications believes could get a diagnosis, or simply who I strongly suspect are 'on the spectrum'?

I've got stories on ppl without formal diagnosis only.

Friend from uni. She lives by herself, has a job working with teens and young adults. She can drive and copes completely. She sometimes doesn’t recognise social cues and can talk about the same thing for a long time but that’s not an issue.

I strongly suspect I might have ASD and I’m married, a teacher, have a DD, own a house...

I know a few yes.
Some are working, have a family and children.
One of them is working too and living independently but has massive MH issues.

I personally think, from my limited experience, that the idea of ‘high functioning ’ can be misleading.

As a side issue, I think the whole idea of “high functioning” is controversial. Lots of people don’t like the term and think autism is more like an overlapping set of circles rather than a line, with some having more difficulties in certain areas than others, but none necessarily more severe as a whole than another. And then I have friends who have children with the more classic “severe” non verbal high needs autism who (in my opinion rightly so) believe there is definitely a high functioning and more severe autism. In our area everything is just “autism”. They don’t diagnose high or low or Aspergers anymore.

DH is not officially diagnosed but we both believe he has it, especially since DS got diagnosed. He has a very good job, has two degrees, drives, has friends. The stuff he struggles with are changes to his routine, high stress situations, some social situations, when I ask him to do several things at once.

I have Asperger's. I'm married with two DC, can drive and am a doctor. I only work part time partly because of childcare and DH's shifts but also honestly I don't think I could cope working full time. I love my job but find the high level of social interaction very draining. My work aren't aware as I've never told them, and nor have school or uni been as I was diagnosed as adult on the back of mental health problems I've had since I was a teenager.

On the surface I function extremely well but have the aforementioned mental health problems and have also in the past been diagnosed with CFS - I think though it's actually just exhaustion from masking/ managing day to day life. Our eldest (5) is in the process of diagnosis of ASD/?ADHD (DH has ADHD) and I can also see traits of both in our youngest (2). I have some good friends, some of whom are aware of my diagnosis, and I love them dearly but do find socialising exhausting. If I see friends two nights on the trot I'm wiped for days.

@CesareBorgiasUnicornMask my partner is like that. He can only socialise for up to 4 hours, then needs to have time alone.

He also gets obsessed with something and we have to see it through, even if it is entirely pointless because he needs a conclusion. If I try and distract him or deviate he can't cope. I have to wait until he's worked through whatever it is.

He's never had a formal diagnosis btw. However, I have worked with people with ASD through various charities for many years and so I recognise it and use the techniques I use for them with him. It works. I don't think he would be able to cope with a formal diagnosis now but seems to think that there's so,etching very wrong with him for being the way he is - it would be good to say it's not you, your brain just works differently and that's fine.

DH-not cut out for the world of work...has tried many times but never stuck at a job for longer than a few months. Is attempting self employment again. Married (to me obvs) for 12 years. 4 DCs.

Me-Full time employed, married, many children (again 4 but feels like loads) friends to socialise with, from the outside you’d never know . It took me until my 30’s to find friends that got me (I imagine the ones I’ve got are all neurodiverse). And I’m good in employment because I like to follow rules, I am socially a little awkward but they’re willing to ignore that in favour of the fact I’m pretty damned intelligent and I do what I’m supposed to do

My flatmate.

Works in a low paid but stable admin job that, found with help from an autism charity. Previously had a long term relationship with someone else with ASD. Has (neurotypical) friends, and a social life. Left home rather later than average, and I do all the household admin (bills etc) and flatmate needs a bit of emotional support sometimes, but they're pretty decent as flatmates go.

I am diagnosed with Aspergers. I strongly suspect that Dp would be diagnosed as well. But he isnt bothered about following up.

It works for us.

I was married, to a cunt, who made me believe he could guide me through life and his decisions for me were 'for the best'. They werent. He could never accept I needed down time. My diagnosis coincided with his abusive behaviour climaxing in attacking me. My diagnosis made me feel I could push back and say 'no' to him.

However, I am now with dp. Both have jobs, I have children, dps child is an adult. I have a very senior job. We work because we both need that down time after work. I dont get upset when he comes in and just wants to sit in out room for an hour. He doesnt mind that I come in and barely talk for an hour.

My coping mechanisms revolve around my phone. I always have headphones, especially in crowded places and work. It helps if I need to cut out the noise.

I also drive and live a fairly normal life. My best friend also understands that sometimes I just need to isolate myself. She doesnt mind if I cancel plans, or cant cope when we are out.

I am lucky enough to have a set of coping mechanisms that help me through my day.

Quiet weekends are a must for me.

I have a part time nightshift job, but struggle a lot and I'm transitioning into doing pet sitting so I don't have to interact with people.

I'm married to a quiet introvert and I have two older sons. I drive and look after the house fine. I'm scared of the neighbours and we had to move from our previous house due to harassment from a teenage neighbour which became bullying by several older female neighbours and it was awful.

I don't interact with anyone if I can help it and my communication skills are deteriorating. I get dh to talk to people when really I should be making the effort. My life is happy within the home, but I struggle with living on a housing estate and would prefer somewhere less busy, perhaps even remote.

My partner.

Left school at 16 and trained as Fire Protection Officer. He's good at his job as can be very focussed and has tunnel vision for detail but he cannot work with other people so there had been failed attempt at a business (couldn't hold customers as would be very direct or lose patience when people were not as detail obsessed as he is so not commercial or flexible enough) and now works happily in a job he's very good at and can work alone.

Very few friends, socialises sparingly. I've huge friend circle and he's connected with two DHs of my best friends who incidentally also are high functioning ASD. He will accompany me to parties where he knows the people well. If those two DHs are there he will spend time with them chatting for hours. New crowd can panic him so I no longer badger him about going with me to new/busy places.

I know how to deal with him and accept him as he is (difficult as it can be as he cannot see bigger picture and can get very frustratingly attached to minor details in conversations for example, derailing etc), dislikes any sudden changes to schedule, doesn't cope well with the unexpected. Also suffers from mild agoraphobia and doesnt like going out unless there is a specific purpose.
"Just go for a walk" or "pop out to the shops" without a warning can spook him. He had sensory reactions to crowds and cannot deal with it. He cannot travel in rush hour so avoided work opportunities where this would be involved. He works nights now and is very happy.

He is however amazing with DD. This complete focus means that he can really zone in on her and just do things with her. She adores him. He also can be totally okay with any emotions she's displaying where I could be triggered by them. He just "is" present with whatever she's doing and I find he can calm a toddler tantrum by being that way so much quicker. It's amazing.

It moved me when MIL said sons years ago "Thank you for loving our son". He struggled with relationships before and I can see it worried them.

Won't lie it's always easy but the more I accept him as he is, the easiest it gets. There are many upsides and downsides to any relationship and we managed to balance ours.

My DS has Aspergers. He is in early twenties and now has amazing job and lives on his own. Seems to be managing well. He gets support at work and hey have been great with that which helps. He also has a girlfriend who provides support and me at the end of the phone. I am very proud of him as at one point I wasn't sure he'd ever be able to leave home.

As a side issue, I think the whole idea of “high functioning” is controversial.

It might be less controversial if people actually understood what the term means and didn't deliberately misuse it. All it means is that an autistic person has an IQ over 70. Yet people seem to think it means "not disabled/passes for normal/mild autism/needs no help in everyday life."
In real life (and online) there's a lot of conflict between parents of autistic children and autistic adults. And sometimes that conflict is caused by parents telling an autistic adult like myself that "you don't know what it's like, you're high functioning and only mildly affected, my child will never drive, live independently, have a job or go to university like you will."

And there's the problem, the assumption that being "high functioning" means you can function in everyday life, live independently, can go to university and get a job. Obviously not all of us can do those things. Having a high IQ and being verbal doesn't guarantee you'll be able to function in everyday life.
But if you believe certain autism parents, the fact I'm writing this on the internet is proof I'm not disabled. They seem incapable of understanding that their kids aren't the only ones who need help, funny really, I thought it was us autistics who were supposed to be the rigid thinkers.

They don’t diagnose high or low or Aspergers anymore.

This is a bugbear of mine, they never diagnosed high or low functioning autism. They never were proper diagnostic categories, just descriptors. It annoys me that high functioning autism gained such currency as a term when it was never a real diagnosis.

A colleague I’ve known for 15 years told me in the pub last night they were diagnosed with what was then called aspergers at university -so more than two decades ago. She didn’t used to mention it to people, but has changed her policy since her niece was diagnosed; she includes it in conversation now. I suspect we all know many more people with ASD but they haven’t mentioned it to us..

I know several people who I, & several other people, strongly suspect are on the spectrum. The only one confirmed thus far is my DS who's still a child so doesn't count for the purpose of this thread. The others are:

Me. I'm married with children but am a SAHM. I don't get questioned about that too much atm because my DC are still young. I'm predicting I have maybe 3 more years before the "when are you going "back" to work?" questions start. I've had a couple of jobs but they were all short term contracts & I struggled enough with those. I did try to get a diagnosis recently but was told I met all but one of the criteria. Except I do also meet that criteria but I didn't know how to explain myself at the time. I plan to seek a second opinion at some point when I'm feeling more able to face it. My main reason for wanting a diagnosis was in case anything should happen to DH & I had to get a job to provide for my DC. I genuinely don't know what job I could cope with or how many "reasonable adjustments" I'd need to be able to function in any workplace.

Family member 1 is now retired. Very, very successful in their field but difficult to deal with on a personal level. Their entire family has learnt to pussyfoot around them & everything has to be just how they like it. I'm not actually sure what would happen if there were any deviations because nobody dares try. Everyone just does what they're told.

Family member 2 is still working & has gone through several attempts at careers before settling on one thing. It's a tech-based job which allows for human interaction in a defined way. They're single & I can't imagine them coping with living with someone else. They're very difficult to be around & get very, very anxious over seemingly insignificant details. Personally, I believe this family member would benefit from a diagnosis & some counselling or something more than any of us but we don't have the kind of relationship where I could step in & say anything. I have voiced my concerns to others who could &, while they agree with me, as far as I know they haven't yet said anything. This makes me sad because I'm convinced that with a bit of support/understanding she could be so much happier in herself.

There are several other family members who I see many traits in but I'm not sure if they'd meet the threshold for it to be considered enough of a problem for a diagnosis. Did I mention one of my special interests is studying people?! It's why I love soaps so much - you can stare at & analyse people to your heart's content without anyone demanding to know why you're staring at them/following them/copying their gestures/facial expressions/eye movements...

Yes I do and know them very well indeed. Quite an engaging, interesting person, extremely individual and talented. Lives alone but hasn't always and I don't think will continue to do so.

I'm going through the assessment process at the age of 53, my son has Aspergers & I asked about being assessed. I've always been a loner, never had any proper friends, just people I knew. I held down a job in the Civil service for 27 years but had to retire due to ill health a few years ago, I have brought my son up on my own since he was 6, he is 15 now, he was diagnosed age 9. He is very bright but like me suffers from anxiety & depression, that is why I asked to be assessed, I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager, but to myself I have never known what caused it, I had a loving childhood, lovely family, I was badly bullied at school & several times at work & I have always thought it was my fault, that I can't be a nice person.

I know two people, both officially diagnosed and both men. One is an academic but remains in research at a low level. The other still lives at home and does not work.