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Original poster

Can anyone help me get a life?

49 replies

Discrita · 18/08/2019 14:48

On paper I have one. A very lovely one too, with a nice home, dc who are healthy and happy (mid-teens to twenties), and I am healthy myself.

However - the dc are all quite rightly living their own lives, my friends are in totally different stages of their lives to me (all of them being married/working), and I am just so utterly bored.

My dh died 3 years ago, and prior to his death I was his carer. Prior to his illness I was a sahm. So I have no qualifications (apart from a 30+ year old degree!) and a rubbish cv! I also don’t have any hobbies or interests - I realise that makes me sound totally boring and substanceless, and I’m a bit ashamed even writing it down. But it’s the truth :(.

It’s taken me some time to get back to a relatively normal place after losing dh, but I’m (mostly) there now. But I’m also bored, lonely, purposeless, worthless and don’t know how to change that. I do see friends as often as I can (but as mentioned earlier they’re all busy leading their lives) and I do
volunteer.

I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful and moany - I’m really not in rl I promise! I am very grateful for what I have, and I do count my blessings every day - I know from losing dh that life is short and must be lived. What I don’t know at the moment is how to do that. I’m directionless, and too unimaginative to find a way forward. My age is against me too at 55.

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 18/08/2019 15:01

Get a job?

Original poster
Discrita · 18/08/2019 15:20

I’d love a job Georgie (except for as a carer, too close to losing dh) but I’m not having any luck. My age and pathetic cv are against me. I’m trying though.

OP posts:
Laterthanyouthink · 18/08/2019 15:28

What kind of volunteering do you do?

Milomonster · 18/08/2019 15:30

Sorry about the loss of your DH Flowers
Find an activity and slowly immerse yourself in it. Following the death my first child and subsequent divorce, I was a wreck and my life was static. I had turned into a hermit. I took out a Classpass trial in Jan and tried out different physical fitness activities. I’d never stepped into a gym or done classes before then. This led me to hot yoga, which I have found powerfully healing and strengthening. It’s really cool to see how far I have come. It’s also lovely to do things in a group, even if you don’t talk to anyone. So, find something where you push your body/yourself as it has mental and emotional benefits. I find I think about nothing except focusing on the poses or breathing through the the difficult bits.

Original poster
Discrita · 18/08/2019 15:31

Later - the Samaritans.

OP posts:
Laterthanyouthink · 18/08/2019 15:33

Do you have any hobbies or interests or maybe things you used to do?

Original poster
Discrita · 18/08/2019 15:34

Milo I’m so sorry for your loss too, how awful for you. I’m really glad to hear you’re in a better place, and thank you for your ideas. I like the sound of hot yoga.

OP posts:
Laterthanyouthink · 18/08/2019 15:36

Sorry missed you saying no hobbies...

I wondered about volunteering as that can be a way to revive interests and meet people/socialise but depends what it is. Community projects will bring people together in teams in a way other volunteering wouldn't.

I have done things like gone back to ice skating which I enjoyed as a teenager, anything like that?

proseccoaficionado · 18/08/2019 15:37

Would you perhaps like going to the gym for some light activity? Or volunteer? Anything that might get you to meet new people

DarkNoise · 18/08/2019 15:39

Hi Discrita! I am of a similar age and at a similar moment of transition in life (DH alive and I am on work although on a temporary contract and in a field which is contracting very quickly so I may be out of work come 2020). I have no magic words but just wanted to give you a supporting wave! What is your degree on? Would you considering retraining or an MA? Maybe through the OU?

raspberryk · 18/08/2019 15:40

There is a lady on my course at uni your age, it's never too late to retrain, I can't believe you haven't found any work at all!
I'd happily hire you as my childminder for example with your caring experience.
Browse classes at your local college, get out and about, you'll meet more people and come across more things to do. X

Laterthanyouthink · 18/08/2019 15:41

Would some kind of study interest you, even if just an evening class?

QuaterMiss · 18/08/2019 15:46

You’re the perfect age to start a new thing! And, wonderfully, as you have a degree you’ll be eligible for a Government Postgraduate Loan to fund a Masters degree. In whatever you’re interested in.

Hear me out ... No, you’re not too old. No, universities won’t laugh at you. No, other students won’t think you’re a freak. And I don’t mean the OU. I mean a full time course at a concrete university. This is the best possible way of kick-starting an intellectual, social and professional life of your own.

I do think you might need to make some headway in an area of activity first - it doesn’t need to be formal. Your Samaritans volunteering might be relevant - but not if you want to study History of Art or Robotics.

Is there any subject you might consider?

DarkNoise · 18/08/2019 15:54

QuaterMiss - that's a great post!

Milomonster · 18/08/2019 15:59

Great post by quarter and I fully agree. If youbstartbwith baby steps, it makes it easier to take on a bigger challenge. And yes to volunteering. I really loved volunteering and meeting all the new people.

Mileysmiley · 18/08/2019 16:01

You need to get yourself a life .. nobody can help you except you ....

Rainbowshine · 18/08/2019 16:03

What sort of work have you been applying for? There's roles and sectors that would be more open to applications from those entering work with little experience. Retail (and soon they will want extra staff in the run up to Christmas) could be good, the hours can be flexible, you clearly are good a talking to people from your volunteering too. There are charities that help people returning to work after caring or a long break, maybe see if there are some local to you. Once you have something on your cv, it does get easier.

Original poster
Discrita · 18/08/2019 16:03

Dark thank you for the solidarity posting!

raspberry I’m not even getting interviews, let alone jobs! Have no experience in waitressing, bar work (both of which I’d like to do), reception work etc. Won’t stop applying though.

And Quater that is a very inspiring post, thank you. I would consider retraining/uni but I don’t know in what. I’m so embarrassed to say about not having interests or hobbies or anything. I think my life with dh and the dc (4 of them) was so busy and consuming that that became my interest, and at the time, I was more than happy for it to be so.

My (ancient!) degree is in English. On the back of this thread I have a few ideas to explore so I thank you all very much for those.

OP posts:
ChipInTheSugar · 18/08/2019 16:04

Do-it.org.uk is a great place to start if you're interested in volunteering. Is there a primary school close to you where you could go and listen to readers or help in cooking classes or something?

My daughter has got a job with no experience (straight out of 6th form) - it is definitely worth speaking to some recruitment companies. If you could find something part time, and do a Masters alongside it?

Good luck!

QuaterMiss · 18/08/2019 16:16

If you’d be interested in building on your English degree I (and probably loads of other people) could suggest a million avenues as a stepping stone to postgrad study.

QuaterMiss · 18/08/2019 16:17

Roughly where in the country are you? I mean nearest city?

Original poster
Discrita · 18/08/2019 18:50

I’m in the SE in a small town but only about an hour from London on the train.

OP posts:
onyourway · 18/08/2019 18:54

I've joined a Women's Walking Group, who walk weekly as a group, about 6-10 miles. They are a lovely group, I'm one of the youngest at 55, but it's been great to chat to new people and exercise at the same time.

Meduse · 18/08/2019 19:02

Would you think about supporting children and their reading?The charity Beanstalk have volunteers going into schools listening to children read and I assume with a degree in English and 4 children this might be of interest? There is also the Literacy and the Book Trust
I felt that I had no hobbies several years ago except reading but decided to make that “my thing” told people all about it etc etc and am now involved in a school doing just that! best of luck

QuaterMiss · 18/08/2019 19:04

Ok. So ... Let’s imagine you want to do something in the area of English.

Creative writing? Journalism/documentary? Language/linguistics? Translation? (Even teaching.)

Poetry? Playwriting? Novels? Short fiction? Screenwriting? Memoir?

Do you have any recent relevant writing to show a university or any other institution?

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