Can anyone help me get a life?

[Discrita]

On paper I have one. A very lovely one too, with a nice home, dc who are healthy and happy (mid-teens to twenties), and I am healthy myself.

However - the dc are all quite rightly living their own lives, my friends are in totally different stages of their lives to me (all of them being married/working), and I am just so utterly bored.

My dh died 3 years ago, and prior to his death I was his carer. Prior to his illness I was a sahm. So I have no qualifications (apart from a 30+ year old degree!) and a rubbish cv! I also don’t have any hobbies or interests - I realise that makes me sound totally boring and substanceless, and I’m a bit ashamed even writing it down. But it’s the truth :(.

It’s taken me some time to get back to a relatively normal place after losing dh, but I’m (mostly) there now. But I’m also bored, lonely, purposeless, worthless and don’t know how to change that. I do see friends as often as I can (but as mentioned earlier they’re all busy leading their lives) and I do
volunteer.

I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful and moany - I’m really not in rl I promise! I am very grateful for what I have, and I do count my blessings every day - I know from losing dh that life is short and must be lived. What I don’t know at the moment is how to do that. I’m directionless, and too unimaginative to find a way forward. My age is against me too at 55.

Be a child minder. Be my child minder, I need one.

Seriously though - you aren’t too old... for anything!
When I was training there was a lady in her fifties and a guy in his late fifties - training to be a veterinary nurse!
I would try volunteering at a few different things, looking at local crafts sessions or similar to see if any take your fancy as a hobby. You could then possibly expand on that further!
Good luck OP!

Financially do you need to work?

I’m only a couple of years younger than you, but when my kids were younger, I’d have loved someone like you in our lives as a surrogate granny type figure (my mum had early onset Alzheimer’s in her 50s and MIL had alcohol issues) for the kids, but I also needed an older female, mentor type person, as a young mum.
I’ve no idea how it could be made to happen, but could you see yourself doing something like this? Your experience would be priceless

JudgeRindersMinder - don’t you think the OP has done enough caring for others and is entitled to spend some time on herself?

And granny figure? She’s 55!

What about a creative writing class? It can be great therapy too (I used to do a 'life writing as therapy' class), and you get to chat to your classmates!

What I’m trying to say, clumsily is that the OP needs a life that is not centred on domestic responsibilities.

Archeological digs in North Africa.

Catwalk modelling.

Poetry workshops.

Acting classes.

Glastonbury.

Hiking across Tasmania.

Life drawing. (Artist or model.)

Learning a new instrument.

Singing lessons.

A million things that don’t involve being kind to other people in a house!

Being a childminder would be lonely. Don't do that. I reckon go to uni.

Learn a language via the internet. Duo lingo is a good site.

Learn a language via the internet. Or better still, take an evening class at the local college. (More sociable, more challenging.) And then book a language course in the relevant country.

Join a choir or a book club or the WI. Volunteer at a school or adult literacy or at a homeless charity. Take an evening class or go back to college and learn a skill.

Date.

Travel.

Seriously though, you like kids. Volunteer in a school. Do a PGCE. Get a part time teaching job in a nice primary.

I agree with suggestions to volunteer at a local school. Just give them a ring when back.. Regular helpers are always needed in my area anyway. Even if don't want to teach, or be a TA, to me a school is a great way to get into the local community and meet loads of different people who may become friends, have interests or jobs that inspire you!

Gosh - thank you all for the time and input. I’m not too sure about schools, kind of feel those days are behind me (at least until I get some grandchildren).

I love the archaeology and hiking suggestions too but my youngest is only 15 so may have to wait a while for those. But ideas like that are why I turned to MN - as I said, I really have no imagination so I’m very grateful to folks lending me theirs:)

I’d also quite like to date - no one will love me the way dh did, and vice versa. But I can’t deny I’m lonely. No idea how to go about it though.

Please please please say whether English would be your subject of choice - and which area.

@Quatermiss it was only an idea...you know, like op was asking for🙄
And 55 isn’t that young to become a grandparent

I don’t know Quater, it’s such a long time since I did it, and it was mainly literature based. I’m not trying to be obstructive I promise, I’m just one of those annoying people who has no interests or ambitions any more!

When I’ve been job hunting I’m drawn to jobs that involve helping, eg I’d love to work as an emergency call taker or something of that ilk. I found myself in so many critical situations with dh where I had to act promptly to literally save his life (until the time that I couldn’t :( ), and surprisingly I was calm under pressure. But I just don’t have the qualifications.

Have you come across the MeetUps app? It's all about making friends (not dating). In my area, there are things like groups for those in their 40s and 50s, who go on trips/walks/do quizzes/pub nights etc. Or specific groups like running/board games/opera etc etc.

It's a really good way to try out something new, and make some new friends.

I also volunteered for RVS in my local library, choosing and taking books out to housebound customers. I really enjoyed it and it meant that when I came to apply for a job, the library manager gave me a reference, which was worth its weight in gold. Might be worth investigating if you're interested in working with books (because of your English degree )

I know, JudgeRindersMinder - I put it clumsily. But there’s a difference, don’t you think, between being grandmother to your own family and taking on that role in middle age for other people - after years of domestic responsibility?

Could you ask for work experience as a call handler or anything else you fancy?

Another way to get work experience is to approach an employment agency for temporary work.

You could also try odd jobs like taking the minutes for your local council or applying to be an unqualified magistrate.

You could try helping with adult literacy classes.

Aside from work you could also have a few try things you have never done before from tiny things like going out and taking photos on a particular topic and then do some creative writing around that, cooking something different, painting furniture. Even better if it is something you can't easily learn from a you tube video so you go to a class to learn it.

Decide to do a singles holiday but make it something you decide to learn some language for, or get fit, or learn a skill before you go.

If you like local history research a story and write a book based on that. It can be fictional too. This can even be group based.

You could try writing a list of things for someone else who wants to try to shake up their life a little and have some new adventures.

OP When was the last time you went to a gallery, theatre, concert, poetry reading? And are these things you might naturally do?

Would you be able to spend maybe one day a week in London, during school hours? You could sign up for a few talks at the National Theatre for instance. Or guided tours of some exhibitions. Or attend a series of debates or lectures.

Maybe you’re a gardener? An RHS garden or similar would surely be a fun place to volunteer.

I do think you’d benefit from activities that involve an element of intellectual challenge - ideally amongst like minded people.

Hello! I remember feeling "what am I FOR?" after DH died (and like you, I'd been looking after his health for some time prior to his death). I was a fair bit younger than you, but I suspect the feelings are very similar - it's unsettling, but in the end it can be liberating! Here's some things I tried. None of them have to be forever!

Community First Responder - see if your local ambulance needs volunteers, you get brilliant training
Learn something - I did a week's residential course in one thing (I was lousy at it but had fun) then an evening class in something I turned out to love so went on to do a master's. Oh I also did a few days at West Dean doing a different craft each day, which was loads of fun.
Join something - most clubs encourage you to do a trial/taster. Do a good few different things and see what fits. I tried hiking (not me), choir (2 of them, liked the 2nd one), a sort of singles social thing which was ok...

Finally, HR hat on now - can you see if any of your existing volunteering connections can help you get relevant work experience for your CV? If you're looking for reception work, for example, can you learn a switchboard system? Or does anyone at Samaritans know any other charities who need a volunteer receptionist (short term, obv you don't want to end up unavailable for paid work) etc? Good luck with it all

If your interested in healthcare ect how about looking at volunteering for the St. John’s ambulance, or your local hospital?
www.sja.org.uk/sja/volunteer.aspx

Could you build on your work for the Samaritans and train to be a qualified Counsellor? I don't know whether you feel you would like to do that professionally, but I imagine your background would be invaluable for such a role. It's also something that could fit around your domestic responsibilities. Best of luck!

How about the Citizens advice bureau, I cant reccomend it highly enough