Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is anyone's marriage/ relationship not really really bad but not great either? Don't know what to do.

26 replies

respected · 17/08/2019 20:30

There isn't anything horrific going on in my relationship but things aren't brilliant either.
I'm not exactly expecting that things should be rosey all the time and naturally there will be ups and downs.

But its just that lately I'm feeling really confused. I go from wanting to leave to just thinking I'm being silly and should stay. I'm yo-yoing and i don't even know where it's all come from.

How do you know what you're going to do is the right thing? Should I ride out this confusion and stick with it?

OP posts:
DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 17/08/2019 22:30

Do you have dc?
I'd say that makes a huge difference though I know many would disagree. I am definitely on the worse side with my marriage- a total lack of kindness and team effort, but we have dc, and I don't know if the grass is greener on the other side or not. Confused

Hadenoughofitall441 · 17/08/2019 22:42

Me too... I love DP but lately I’ve found certain things he does just piss me off more that they did before. We have very different parenting ideals. His mum was strict and did abuse him but my family is very laid back so we often clash on how to deal with a situation with the kids. We compromise in the end but I’ve noticed he’s been more angsty with it lately.

Dilligaf81 · 17/08/2019 23:51

Yep, this could have been written by me 6 months ago.
We have had discussions with him even saying he would look at flats!
I don't think I was asking for much just some appreciation and effort. Ask how my days been occasionally, listen to me when we talk instead of pretending then asking a question I've already answered if you had been listening and appreciate the fact that yes you have always had your hobby but we didn't have 4 dc then!
I just all of a sudden felt having dc had changed my life hugely but not his. He plays his sport 1-2 times a week and is out from 11:30 till 8 or 9pm but will not acknowledge the fact that he is only able to do that because I have the household and dcs looked after (I also work ft).
We had lots and lots of rows with him saying he was leaving and me telling him to. Eventually he broke down and we talked. We opened up about how we were feeling and discussed it without arguing. It helped us see the other perspective.

The small talk isn't my dhs forte but he is trying and we are planning a weekend together soon.
We have had 2 major health and life altering issues over the last 3 years and it caused a lot of pressure and worry. Has anything happened that's causing background pressure and so taking the focus away from each other??

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Dilligaf81 · 17/08/2019 23:53

Oh god sorry that wasn't supposed to be that long. I'm not trying to take over your post but once I started typing I couldn't stop. That was very therapeutic.

EAIOU · 18/08/2019 00:01

Is there more to this OP?

Chocolate35 · 18/08/2019 00:07

What makes you want to leave? Are you bored or does he mistreat you? Last year DH was really bugging me but not actually doing anything wrong or different, I was just bored with my life and the sameness of it. I changed jobs and things really improved. Date nights help too. Do you have children?

springydaff · 18/08/2019 00:27

Really valuable account Dilligaf.

If you have kids op then that really does make all the difference. I divorced my children's father - nothing else for it - but the implications are far-reaching. So do all you can to make your relationship work eg courses, couples therapy. Does he know you feel like this?

By getting outside support it gives you perspective eg if you're the only one trying to make it work then that is a non-starter. It has to be both of you - as illustrated in Dilligaf's story.

minibroncs · 18/08/2019 05:55

The context to go with your feelings is quite important.

If it's because his love of marmite infuriates you that might not be a brilliant reason to end a relationship. If it's because he always sulks when you go to see your friends that might be different.

Have you considered seeing a counsellor for a short period so you can talk it through with a neutral third party on a confidential basis to help you cut through the confusion?

Original poster
respected · 18/08/2019 06:45

Yes we have 3 DC. I'm not sure what's "triggered" this. My youngest is still very young 17m - things are hard with her, I'm exhausted. I feel he doesn't help me out with housework/ kids as much. We hardly talk. So many times he just ignores what I've said. He doesn't spend much time with the kids. He spends too much time on the computer just wasting time. His parenting style is very different to mine. I feel like a single parent and think I might as well do all this on my own elsewhere. His personality is really beginning to irritate me- god that sounds awful but the way he is, is becoming really unattractive to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
respected · 18/08/2019 06:51

Dilligaf81 your account has been interesting. It sounds a lot similar to mine. I'm glad things have improved for you.

I haven't spoken to him about it so he doesn't know how I feel. He is the type of person who would say well If you're unhappy then we can divorce. It's ok. Even though he might not want it himself.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/08/2019 06:56

I think you should consider a divorce as well. He's not really interested in parenting so you may as well be alone. This isn't how it's supposed to be.

Boltoflightening · 18/08/2019 07:00

Oh dear, often happens after being married for a length of time. I think a good talk with him, that’s if you can live with him for the next umpteen years.

If you’re just bored then how about either getting a dog, or a mobile home to travel with, a new job or something new..

But I think you’re quite young op with a 17m baby and it’s tough with children, but they will grow up and things will change. I reckon a good talk with him because if you split up then it’ll be so much harder for both of you.

AgeBeforeBeauty · 18/08/2019 07:04

I have felt like this, several times. I wonder if there's just something in most or many men, where they just don't get it. I feel like I'm carrying all the weight of the household and dc, and he's here along for the ride.

I did get a little angry the other day, and asked him what he was bringing to the table. He could tell I was annoyed, and started being extra nice, but it did make me wonder if we should even be together.

Things are a bit meh.

But I don't want to break up the family, it would be devastating for the children, and we continue to work as a team (not a balanced team though) to raise the children. Who knows, after that?

Fantail · 18/08/2019 07:32

More common than I think people realise. The sooner you talk, the quicker it will resolve one way or another. Do you want to stay with a man who’s not willing to fight for you?

BlueBrush · 18/08/2019 07:48

The sooner you talk, the quicker it will resolve one way or another. Do you want to stay with a man who’s not willing to fight for you?

^^This. You definitely need to talk to him. If you're having these feelings, it's only fair that you try and discuss them with him. How seriously he takes that will tell you a lot. Hope you manage to improve things, OP. Flowers

PurpleWithRed · 18/08/2019 07:57

I found ‘Too good to leave too bad to stay” (book) really helpful when thinking through my first marriage.

newhousestress · 18/08/2019 08:24

I've often thought of starting a similar post. The book recommendation looks interesting. I think our current issues could be resolved fairly easily if we could talk about things more, but initiating the conversation is hard and even harder to talk without blame. I don't quite know what I'm offering to this thread other than I think I know what you and other posters are feeling.

Original poster
respected · 18/08/2019 08:33

I've spoken to him/ argued about the spending time/ helping with the kids but it's a mixed bag. Sometimes he agrees he needs to do more- other times he says he's trying. Things might improve for a few weeks where he's making a conscious effort and then things go back to normal. He can't make long lasting permanent changes. It's something I have to either accept and live with and I can't.

I feel I've got all the mental load. He just does the absolute bare minimum and thinks he's doing fine. But its not good enough for me. The kids are only kids for such a short amount of time and I feel he's not interested in them like the way I would like. It might be down to out parenting approach but I find it very really sad.

To demonstrate, I have worked on and off after having DC. Will be starting a new job in September. However my "workload" at home is exactly the same when im a sahm and when I'm working.

OP posts:
Original poster
respected · 18/08/2019 08:36

newhousestress yes I totally agree. It's very hard having a conversation where it doesn't look like you're blaming everything on the other person- my posts definitely do read like that!

PurpleWithRed thanks for the book recommendation- sounds like exactly what I need.

OP posts:
newhousestress · 18/08/2019 09:02

I think it's easier to start from the point of 'I am feeling unhappy' rather than 'you're rubbish, start doing more' and concentrating on your feelings like 'I feel like I'm doing this alone' 'I would like...etc' if you haven't broached it like that before. Btw I didn't think that it was all about blame reading your posts, but possibly either party will feel quite attacked if approached from that angle. I think exploring your feelings a bit more out loud and working out what you want sounds like the starting point.

springydaff · 18/08/2019 12:00

I didn't hear blame in your posts at all op. You're unhappy, that's not blaming.

Ridingthegravytrain · 18/08/2019 12:41

I wish where was a simple answer to this. I’m not happy. Haven’t been for years. I don’t feel that it’s fair on the children to break up the family..but then tell myself that this is my life and for the most part I’m not happy.

I have the same situation where we talk (more like I say things and he wholeheartedly agrees) then makes an effort for a few weeks then goes back to how he was and I seethe.

boredboredboredboredbored · 18/08/2019 12:53

Do you love him op? That's the first place to start as without that you've not got a chance. If you do then your marriage is worth fighting for if you're both willing to talk and work things through.

I was married for 16 years with 2 dc and felt like you, the love eroded over time and whilst our marriage was not that bad it was not a fulfilling loving marriage. We had a mutual separation 3 years ago when the dc were 12 & 11. It was the best decision I've ever made. The dc came through fine mainly as we remained friendly during that first year. Exh remarried last year and I met the best man I've ever known & realise how shit my marriage was. We stuck it for the dc but I'm so so glad I walked away as we didn't love each other.

putsomethingontheendofit · 18/08/2019 13:01

I am finding having a toddler takes it's toll on a marriage quite a lot.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/08/2019 14:44

I live apart from my DP and I'm going to break up with him. We share no children, so it should be easy, but he's another one of the 'too good to leave, too bad to stay'.

He's younger than me, but he's turned into an old man. He thinks falling asleep in his chair in front of the TV is a 'funny thing', never going out anywhere or asking me ANYTHING is is default. It's not a relationship, it's a slightly distant friendship. And I want out.