Please come and tell me this is not my life til death

[Pepsthedog]

I'm 55 in a couple of weeks. Divorced for seven years. One totally unsuitable BF for six months since then. Stuck OLD for 2 years and hated it, can't imagine ever going back to it. The last shag I had was almost exactly three years ago. The only physical contact I've had since then is family hugs. Now my youngest is preparing for uni and I'll be completely by myself. My wider family all live hundreds of miles away.

I have good job I love, but it's a four-hour round trip commute from where I live, and means working four days a week including Friday night and all day Saturday, so socialising, even if I had friends here, is difficult. I can't work locally, it's a typical coastal town with few prospects and nothing in my line would pay anything like as much even if take train costs into account.

We moved here from London as a last-ditch attempt to save our marriage, when it failed he took the few friends we'd made. I have one female friend I meet for coffee every couple of months, but she's recently remarried and has a hectic life which doesn't really have room for me.

I've joined a couple of choirs, drama clubs but struggle to make meetings etc so feel I'm letting people down and even after a couple years have still to make friends enough to see anyone outside the activity.

So what do I do: Sell the house, which I have to do anyway, ex wants his equity, and move back to a tiny flat in London? (This will probably mean I'll see my three kids less as they will reasonably decide to stay with their dad as all their friends are here). Accept that this is my lot and be grateful for my job and whichever local house I end up in?

Or is wise Mumsnetters is there a third option I've missed?

Are there any large towns or cities midway between London & current home that you could move to? Reduced commute, might get something large enough to put up grown children, and more likely to make it to evening / weekend socials?

I’d move. I never once went back to my home town to visit friends, I went back to visit my mum. Now she’s moved away and I’ve been there once since.

Can you move to near your work? Or is that London?

I've considered moving to a couple of other cities, rather than London, which is where I work. The only other place I'd want to live in, which would halve my commute, is not dissimilar to London in house prices, so I'd have the same issues. At least in London I have the safety net of work friends, who I socialise with reasonably often.
I hate being this pessimistic, normally I'm very positive. I'm not sure if there's a touch of depression sneaking in which is making me think there's no answer or if that's the reality

In your position, I’d move to London, see friends and have a spare bed for children to sleep in when they visit. Life is too short...

Tbh wouldn’t being in London be an attraction for your DC’s?

Well it doesn't sound great tbh. London is an expensive place and can be incredibly lonely. I think you'll struggle to meet any blokes worth the hassle. Everyone's got a lot of baggage by this time in life. Chin up, and soldier on. At least you've got a dog which is more than I've got.

London might be much more attractive for your kids. However bear in mind they might still need stuff storing and boomerang ability so I would look for a decent 2 bed if at all possible.

I'd move to London. Your children may well go back to dad's to see their friends but they will equally be interested in staying in London - which is where a lot of their friends will end up even if they don't.

Your life sounds very dull and isolated where you are. the 4 hour commute isn't healthy either. Go to London make connections and friends there - put the dating thing to one side until you are settled. Tell your children there is always a home for them with you in London.

Is Brighton the other place you'd consider?

I was also wondering what the other cities you were considering are. London can, as a PP said, be very lonely. You socialise with colleagues but how long term are these friendships? The commute sounds utterly exhausting! I'm 50 exactly two weeks today and couldn't do that any more. Are there no work options in a larger town?

What about somewhere like Ruislip, Uxbridge, watford, Hemel Hempstead? All commutable to London but easier to make friends if you join groups on the meetup app?

Four hour commute sounds horrendous. Should you be looking at a different job as well as home? If that's not an option, have you checked to see what your funds could realistically get in London - I think a spare bedroom is a must and then at least 1 or 2 dc can stay. Though I'm sure you want a place they can all stay in together, even though that might only happen a couple of times a year. My stock answer to where to live is "move to Edinburgh" but that might make your commute a little longer! You need to get more out of life for yourself though now.

Thank you all for your responses. In no particular order:

the other city was Canterbury.

London is really the only place I can work, perhaps Manchester but I've already escaped the north west! I could possibly work remotely but that sounds even more isolating.

The commute is not too bad, I've been doing it for more than a decade, but it could well be one of those things that you only notice how bad it is when it stops!

The two older offspring would be ok with London, they have to change trains there to get here, and do have friends there. The youngest won't be as keen, he doesn't like visiting now, too noisy and busy.

The dog is a bonus, at the moment, but at nearly 14, he won't be around for too much longer, and I fear a move might actually kill him

My work friendships seem quite strong, but I'm aware I've thought that I've thought that at other places I've worked and have lost contact completely!

The range of views here sum up my thoughts - swinging wildly from stay to go with good reasons at both ends

If your youngest is going to uni then find somewhere that suits you. I don’t know many of my uni friends who moved home for any length of time. None now lives where they grew up.

Iggi I'd love to move to Edinburgh, was there in the spring and it's beautiful. And it is actually one other place in the UK that I might be able to get a job!

I'm 55 and have done what I do since I left school. I love it, have worked hard against the misogynist, classist culture to get where I am. It's the only thing - apart from the kids obviously - that I'm certain of in my mess of a life

Move back to London or come to Canterbury. I live in canterbury and DH does the high speed to London.

Move. You sound miserable. Your kids will come.

I think when the question is 'is this my life until death', it's time for a drastic change.

Your children sound like young adults? There's every chance one of them will end up in London anyway, especially if they're in a small town at the moment.

pastaagain I have a couple more stops after your DH!
What's Canterbury like to live in? Are you near the centre?

Have you thought about moving to Ashford ?

With walking distance of the centre. It’s nice, lots going on. Lots of students but that keeps things lively and attracts interesting things. Close to the coast.

I haven't AuntMary I've only ever changed trains there. Is it a good place to live?

You finally don't need to compromise for anyone else, so ask yourself what kind of place you would like to live in? Busy and noisy with museums or quiet countryside with walks? Personally, I wouldn't consider suburbia, which I see as being all about compromise (safe and with big house and garden for kids - yet commutable). If you choose London, I'd go as central as you can afford. But this is about what you like, not me or anyone else.

The rest will fall into place. If you're in an environment that suits you, you're more likely to meet like-minded friends (and you'll enjoy the things you do even when you're alone). Your children will still come and see you (more or less frequently) because they want to see you. Location isn't really relevant to that, so long as it isn't really inaccessible, and there is sleeping space for them in your home.

I would be worth having a look OP lots of new housing estates going up. Or look at the surrounding villages. Ashford used to be really rough but loads of money has been invested and lots of londoners have moved to the SE
Fast train 35 minutes into London

I love Canterbury and have quite a few friends who have lived there for years and are happy there. Have you considered Sevenoaks?