Please come and tell me this is not my life til death

[Pepsthedog]

I'm 55 in a couple of weeks. Divorced for seven years. One totally unsuitable BF for six months since then. Stuck OLD for 2 years and hated it, can't imagine ever going back to it. The last shag I had was almost exactly three years ago. The only physical contact I've had since then is family hugs. Now my youngest is preparing for uni and I'll be completely by myself. My wider family all live hundreds of miles away.

I have good job I love, but it's a four-hour round trip commute from where I live, and means working four days a week including Friday night and all day Saturday, so socialising, even if I had friends here, is difficult. I can't work locally, it's a typical coastal town with few prospects and nothing in my line would pay anything like as much even if take train costs into account.

We moved here from London as a last-ditch attempt to save our marriage, when it failed he took the few friends we'd made. I have one female friend I meet for coffee every couple of months, but she's recently remarried and has a hectic life which doesn't really have room for me.

I've joined a couple of choirs, drama clubs but struggle to make meetings etc so feel I'm letting people down and even after a couple years have still to make friends enough to see anyone outside the activity.

So what do I do: Sell the house, which I have to do anyway, ex wants his equity, and move back to a tiny flat in London? (This will probably mean I'll see my three kids less as they will reasonably decide to stay with their dad as all their friends are here). Accept that this is my lot and be grateful for my job and whichever local house I end up in?

Or is wise Mumsnetters is there a third option I've missed?

What about the Hastings area - its reasonably cheap compared to London, its only an hours drive to Zone 6 and you can take the train from there. Hastings is so much more vibrant and cosmopolitan.

I also thought Edinburgh.

st albans/ish?.... scotland. falkirk?is rapidly growing in size,dundee is a new city.stirling?..dont fester.please dont fester

Would your budget be big enough for London? Any of your kids likely to move back in with you there?

Actually, your life sounds like it's ready to take a flying leap! Good job in a central location, no ties to the immediate area and no children to care fot about as they will be at uni. The world is your oyster!

Here's a few crazy ideas, just to get you laughing and out of the rut.

• Do a 3 day week using Airbnb and buy a house in France, close to Eurostar. The same can frankly apply to anywhere south of York. I knew of one colleague who did this from Edinburgh each week.
• Go remote and start house-sitting around Europe
• Come to the Midlands! I used to commute to London from Birmingham International (1h 15) and house prices outside of the M25 are a lot more sane. My detached house cost the same as my sister's flat in the South.

Intimacy will be easier to find when you regain those 4 hours in the day. In the meantime, your dog and kids love you and a good vibrator will outlast a man, as long as the batteries are charged. :-)

Are you a joiner ? By that are you ok going along to somewhere alone and keep going until someone takes pity and includes you !😉
You might throw your hands up at this suggestion but join your local WI. It's not just for the elderly. Since I've joined mine, I've joined the food group ( we go out for meals) go to a wine book group . Visit out local theatre, and I could do lots of other things of I wanted.

How about buying a smaller place in a regional city/town, banking a little bit of equity (if possible) and getting a job that is not a career that's going to take all of your energy, but is enough to live on?

LONDON OP. London. Don’t mess about girl.

Missed this
😂
People are getting right uppity of late.

Definitely move to London, get rid of the commute and socialise more with work friends. Your kids will want to visit you in London because is London! Totally different to moving to a backwater! London will be a great place to live for the next 30 or so years - everything on your doorstep!

Move back to London! What’s stopping you? All life is here, including your work and work friends!

Actually yes I think I’d do something completely different. Find a location where there was tons to do that would get you out and about. I love creative pursuits, the gym, yoga and holistic stuff. So I’d find somewhere where I could immerse myself in this lifestyle.

Don’t sit and rot OP. It will make you unhappy and bitter.

What sort of budget will you have for your new flat/house? Obviously that will impact on your choices.

Your children won't thank you for staying miserable for them. They will resent you.

Go a live your life. For you.

Canterbury is nice op. Lots to do around there and house prices are nowhere near what they would be in London. Easy to commute as well. I think Canterbury has more going for it than Ashford especially if you want a busy city centre. Definitely move though. Life is too short to be this miserable.

if you are looking to downsize maybe to a two-bedroom flat then there are quite a lot within a few minutes walk of the city centre for under £200k.

Ashford is fine if you pick the right bits (not around the station itself, although when I last went 'home's it seems they are absolutely pouring money into that area) and the surrounding villages can be lovely. Wye is a gorgeous little village on the outskirts, and has it's own station, so you don't need to get into Ashford itself each day (free car park too if I remember correctly!). HS1 is fantastic for commuting, but if there are issues on the line, there are lines to Ashford from Charing X/London Bridge or Victoria.

Damn phone adding apostrophes and 's' all over the place!

I'd stop and as you are doing take some time to consider your options ...however this is your time, this is about YOU. Have an adventure!

Can you change your job? Can you be a 'consultant' in your job, taking contracts which move you around? Give you some flexibility.

A mad idea for you, I've just returned from the Netherlands and would seriously consider a move. Mainly English speaking, job prospects may be applicable to your field of work, flight time of less than an hour for visiting family, you visiting here, transport is fab, as is standard of living.. My only worry would be uncertainty around Brexit.

Please be excited and look after you, best of luck!

Completely different situation to you OP but my mum is still in the same location we grew up in and flew the nest from 20+ years ago. Zero friends, 20 years older than you and miserable as sin.

20 hours a week commute - that's mental. That's time for a class/club/hobby/social event almost every day of the week that you're spending on just travelling to work.

If you have no ties to where you are - and the children will visit you wherever you are - then I say move locations. Your current home has to be sold anyway, time to take the plunge and make a new life. 55 is the new 40 - life begins for you again, an exciting new chapter!

I would book a package of sessions with a great transformative coach (they may call themselves something else) who is experienced in supporting people to create change in their lives, and have them coach you through making the decisions and creating a life that you really want.

The difference it will make to you will easily outweigh the cost.

I vote for London!! This is the perfect time to do it! GO!