So fed up about football season starting up again!

[confusedofengland]

Warning: This is long & whingey, my apologies but I need to let it out!

DH went to the first football match of the season today. I am not a fan of football at all. DH is a season ticket holder for a Premiership club, who are based 120 miles away (in his home city). He tries to attend every home game. When he does that he either leaves me at home with 2 out of 3 Dses with no car (awkward in a village on a Sunday when no buses) or we stay with PIL. This is nice when we are all together, but the match time (they are gone 5 hours) is really difficult for me as MIL has dementia & cannot understand DS2's behaviour, as he is autistic. I cannot leave them alone together even to go to the toilet as one would meltdown & FIL takes me being there as an opportunity to have a rest, as he is MIL's full-time carer.

DH & DS1 also have football training/matches every Saturday & Sunday afternoon, again taking the car. DS2 would not cope with spectating at these matches, although sometimes we will walk to meet them from training. DH is coach & chairman of the youth team DS1 plays for, so he is very committed & does not like to miss a training session or game. He also spends 1-2 hours most nights on paperwork/organising things & has 3 evening meetings a month.

Then when they can't watch a match live, they like to watch it on TV, so I have to entertain the 2 little Dses, or at least keep them out of the way. Ditto for match of the day.

I understand that this is important to DH & DS1, but quite honestly, when they went to the first match today & I realised it is all about to start again after a few weeks off, I cried. I dread those times at weekends now We do have family time when they're back & showered, but 2 half days doesn't feel like anywhere near enough. The DC don't see DH during the week much as he leaves for work at 7.45am & returns at 9pm or later, so they're in bed. DH got so upset with me for trying to explain this, but it's just so tough I know he is also worrying about his mum, but it seems like he places a higher priority on football (hence going to the match today & leaving me with her & DC), then her, then me & DC have whatever is left

I think that’s outrageously selfish and I’m not surprised you’re so upset. Their hobby is wrecking your life.

Did he watch football before you got together?

He sounds like he’s involving the DC, volunteering for youth football etc and taking them to matches. I get where you’re coming from (I wouldn’t date someone heavily into football for this reason)

He did watch football before we got together, but he went to maybe 1-2 matches per season & did not have a season ticket. Also as he lived there it was a thing that took up 5 hours rather than a whole day. He was not involved in coaching etc before our DC.

He only take 10-year old NT DS1 to any kind of football, he leaves me with 8-year old autistic DS2 & 5-year old DS3, who have no interest in it. I also worry that he appears to have a favourite DS (although he insists he doesn't) & he is missing out on the childhoods of the other 2.

It’s completely unfair of him. He only sees one child, all weekends are about his hobby, and you don’t get any time off. DH is a demented football fan, and has had a season ticket for a club for twenty years, and used to both play himself and work in football, but since we had a child and moved out of London he’s dialled attendance way down, and quit his job, because between the two, his weekends were entirely taken up. Similarly, I used to spend all my weekends climbing, but I’ve dialled it back, too.

Did you post about this last year? It seems familiar, if so I'm sorry nothing has changed. I'm a football fan myself but this seems completely unreasonable. Particularly the insistence on travelling to all the home games and all the TV watching - I go to 4 or 5 games max a season since myDCs came along instead of all of them. As for his involvement with the youth team - that is admirable but either coach or chair is reasonable, not both, and chair is usually a fairly short term commitment.

I did indeed Expletive Sorry I had hoped things would improve as he promised to look into purchasing floodlights for the youth team so they could practise one evening a week, rather than on Saturdays, but it hasn't happened. Also, MIL is somewhat worse than she was & FIL not coping as well as he was, so the times I am alone with them & my younger DC are very difficult, which DH does not see, so does not believe.

Apparently, though, it's my pesky lady-hormones making me feel fed up with all this, so I should just trot off to the doctor & get HRT so I can calm down

No need to apologise, vent away! I'm not sure what to suggest really, he is being totally, utterly unreasonable.

Apparently, though, it's my pesky lady-hormones making me feel fed up with all this, so I should just trot off to the doctor & get HRT so I can calm down hmm angryApparently, though, it's my pesky lady-hormones making me feel fed up with all this, so I should just trot off to the doctor & get HRT so I can calm down

How offensive!

OP I'm football daft but his behaviour is spectacularly selfish especially given the sheer amount of time he invests in it, leaving you without a car for days at a time and expecting you to pick up the slack with his mum and your other two.

You have 3 bairns, 1 with ASN, and don't seem to be getting any kind of support from your DH. Why does he think this is reasonable or fair? He's absolving himself of any responsibility as a father while cherry picking the fun things to do.

Does he spend any time at all with the other two? When do you get a break?

And you're really really not whinging. It's a completely valid complaint about a selfish man treating you and your family like crap.

Whatever he says, it's not a whinge. It's him being a dick and you've every right to say so.

He is quite hands on when he's around, but he doesn't tend to spend time with just the younger two, or either one of them. He would, but between work & football there isn't much time left! He's not working during the school holidays, as that's how contracts fell, so he's seeing them a bit more, but he's also said to 'carry on as if he's not here' so he can do DIY & writing (he writes for a living, so extra for the portfolio is always good). I know these things need doing, but the DC find it hard when Daddy is home but upstairs doing a job so can't spend time with them.

I get time to myself in term-time as I only work a 'bank' job so work anything from 6-20 hours per week. And I go out in the evenings a fair bit (roughly once a week) as there always seems to be something going on. The DC also sleep well, so i have time to myself when he's out at evening meetings.

My DH is hugely into football - both watching and playing. However, he's reduced the amount of time he spends on both since we had DS. That's normal behaviour.

Your husband is spectacularly selfish....as for the hormone comment. That's outrageous!!

I also accept any weekend work I am offered & that feels like a break as I love my job & those shifts tend to be very easy. They also have the added bonus of sometimes meaning he can't actually go to a match

This sounds like hell OP. You are beholden to someone else’s hobby and your life is revolving around it. Not fair at all!

I opened this thread to respond that football is not a hobby for some but a much deeper involvement. Then I read your OP and thought actually, that is unfair. Then your updates and now I'm appalled. It sounds like he is using it to escape and that he doesn't know how to be responsible and dynamic in the roles his life currently demands. And that could be ok if one had the self-awareness to realise and to ask for help/support in those roles whilst shouldering them but hiding and leaving you to it is unfair. Blaming it on your hormones is the killer. Football is a massive thing for me, I am a devoted follower, the start of the season feels like the energy of spring flows through me again and I'm so happy it is back but nothing trumps the needs/safety/reassurance of family members and you sure have your share of that. I think he is hiding and is now quite far down the rabbit hole. Undoubtedly it is better for him if you carry on. Is there a social care ir medical professional who could reach out to him? Someone else in the family? His father? He needs to see the family set up through different eyes. It also sounds like your PIL need a carer/ respite regardless of what you can or can't do, the dementia won't abate. I have found charities and Social Service really helpful, particularly Carers UK and Age UK - though obviously for FIL/DH to pursue. In our area there are a various courses for parents of children who are ND, again through charities and sometimes referral from SS, it sounds like DH would benefit tremendously as a parent (and a coach) from this.

I opened the thread to join in a quiet moan about ferrying DS around to multiple practices and games and share suggestions for warm coats and snow boots!

Your family’s life seems to revolve around your DH’s hobby. Facts are, he doesn’t have time for it. He needs to prioritise his family. Some suggestions:

• he gives up his season pass and schedules 5 ‘must see’ games instead;

• he either coaches or chairs the youth team;

• you stop going to your ILs without him. It’s not fair on you, your MIL or your DS2;

• you get another car so you’re not stranded, or if that’s not an option you move house to somewhere with decent public transport.

• radical: you move house to the city where his football team’s based.

Oh and he needs to have his balls handed to him for the hormones comment. How belittling and disrespectful. It’s selfishness causing the problem, not you.

If he lived near his team before, did you move for the kids? Is there the possibility of going back?

I'm football mad, but I don't go and see my team much anymore as I moved away to live with fiancé and it's a long, expensive way back. It makes games an all day thing. I'm no saint, though, although we don't travel back - and we save the money on the season ticket; which is one of the most expensive - I do watch the games. He's welcome to come or not; but thankfully usually chooses too, as he loves football too. So we can chat and things during the game.

You need a compromise here because it doesn't work; and it's not fair on MIL, you or the other kids.

Off the top of my head, can you move closer so he can go to games without it taking all day? Can you get a second car to make things easier for you all? Can he drop one of his responsibilities with the youth team and use that time with DS2 and 3 instead? Could he take DS3?

Thanks for more sympathy & interesting suggestions.

We can't afford another car & I am loathe to have 2 cars per family anyway for environmental reasons. He takes train to work so 1 would sit there all week.

We can't move. We have lots of my family here, friends & a great village school for DS2 where he knows everybody & has a full EHCP (32.5 hours). Plus DH's work is commutable from here & my job is here.

I've tried suggesting he just takes DS1 to football & I can stay at home with little ones. It's marginally easier than dealing with DS2/MIL together. But then he says that he wants MIL to see the DC while she still knows who they are. If they are up for the match we stay with PIL so I have no choice but to stay there during match time (5 hours).

He keeps promising there will be new coaches for the youth team, but they never materialise, so he does it. Surprisingly, not many people want the commitment of 35-40+ Saturday and Sunday mornings

I could ask him to choose 5 really important matches to watch. But then I think he'd suddenly find that he needs to visit MIL anyway, so why not go to the match while he's there?!

I am just so fed up with it. He says I only hate it because it's football, which to a degree is true because I've come to equate football with losing family time & hard work for me. But if it was any other hobby causing this situation I'd feel the same about it.

He's home this week, so I'm planning some family days out & doing some bits upstairs while he entertains the kids Although he's currently gone to B&Q, preceding an afternoon of DIY...

Not surprising new coaches never materialise if they know he will always do it. In that case he should step down as chair - when is the AGM of his club? He can step down then, someone will step up if he says he is definitely quitting, they always do.

What about lift-sharing for the youth team? I know there are often safeguarding rules forbidding coaches from giving lifts to juniors members though.

As for the visits to the ILs - do you go there and back in the day? That's a long day on top of the 5 hours with not much in it for you and the younger DCs. Maybe put your foot down and say you'll go once every couple of months, the other times he and DS should go by train and leave you the car.

I could ask him to choose 5 really important matches to watch. But then I think he'd suddenly find that he needs to visit MIL anyway, so why not go to the match while he's there?!
I am just so fed up with it. I've come to equate football with losing family time & hard work for me.

Honestly, if he can't see this then why are you with him? He is placing his own happiness and selfish needs over his children and wife. There does come a point where you need to make certain sacrifices to your life when you have children, and this man won't. Is this the kind of role model you want for your children? I don't say this often but LTB, he's walking all over (and as you've posted before) has done for years. He won't ever change, so unless YOU change the situation you only have one other option, to suck it up and live a life of misery during football months.

Without a season ticket, it's unlikely he will get tickets to random matches, and especially not the must see/top team ones. So I understand why he would to want to give it up.

And as for the coaching/chairing, he is doing something for the local community and a hobby that both he and DC enjoy.

Can he get the train to the matches? Or you all drive to PIL, then you drive home once you have spent a little time, and he gets the train home?

would not* want to give it up

Most people (including DH) who can’t currently use their season tickets all the time have a regular arrangement with longterm fellow season ticket holders sitting around them, who use them to bring their children or friends when DH isn’t using it. He probably goes to five games a season these days. Because he isn’t an asshole who thinks his hobby trumps the rest of the family’s weekends.

So he gets to do his hobby, avoid all weekend time with the two younger DCs, and gets out of looking after his mum / giving his dad a break, but expects you to do it all??????? And hogs the family car in the process?

What a prince.

I don't think I've explained too well what we do on match weekends:

We all go up as a 5 on the Saturday morning, we stay with PIL. He & Ds1 go to the match whenever it is, for 5 hours, leaving me with the others in PIL's home. I can't go out easily because FIL tends to do jobs/have a well-earned nap & I can't leave MIL & DS2 together without another adult there. This is atm, when there is no youth football. Also there is talk of not staying at PIL any more as it's unsettling for MIL, but we can't afford a hotel, as rooms for 5 are always pricey, so I don't know what we'd do. It's possible to do in a day, but as PP pointed out not much fun for me & little DC if it's for football.

When there is youth football, they train until 12pm, then we head up either for the afternoon & evening or overnight, depending on whether the next day's match is first thing or not until say 11am. Either way most of my afternoon is travelling and/or looking after small DSes.

If small Dses & I stay at home (rarely), DH & DS1 will basically be gone for the whole of Saturday or Sunday (except breakfast & lunch) then also the other weekend morning for 3-4 hours. Then they'll take the car. He has looked into hiring a car, but it would be £30 + £40 diesel, or taking the train, but that would be even more expensive & not direct. They see PIL just for a coffee on these occasions.