I don't want to go to his parade

[Samaranian]

DP joined the RFA 10 weeks ago (for anyone who doesn't know - the RFA are the civilian manned support arm to the Royal Navy so it's quite similar to joining the Navy but you aren't officially classed as military).

He completes his basic training next week and they have a huge parade that lasts almost all day and a ball at nighttime to celebrate them "passing out".

I don't want to go.

He made out like it was going to be so hard for him, working out everyday, getting yelled at all the time, crawling through mum, getting woken up at 1am to do drills etc.

Actually, from what I can gather, he had a couple of days having fun shooting guns, had a few lessons about the weather, had a glorious time driving little boats down the river in glorious sunshine and most importantly, spent 90% of his evenings in the pub until 11.30 and then expected me to wait up to speak to him on the phone.

Meanwhile, I've found it quite tough adjusting to life alone. I mean, I've got my big girl pants on and get on with it but in the last 10 weeks I've had to terminate a pregnancy (mainly because he will be away for 80% of the next three years and I can't do it alone), there's been a huge family argument because my brother has been stealing from my mum, organised out engagement party, taken up caring for his grandma as best as I can between work etc, quit my job due to a mental health meltdown etc. Plus being solely responsible for the day to day stuff that we used to share like walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, organising bills and paperwork etc etc.

I'm tired. I feel like I'm the one who has had a hard time this past ten weeks and he's spent it getting pissed and practically being on an adventure holiday.

Ive already spent a few hundred pounds on flights, new dresses for the parade and ball, car hire etc for the pass out shenanigans but now I really don't want to go.

I don't want to prance about and celebrate all their "hard work" and pretend to be proud when to be honest, I just feel quite bitter.

I am still going to go because I don't want to upset him but AIBU for not wanting too? Maybe I've just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

I’d go, but be having a serious think and conversations with him afterwards about mutual goals for you as a family and if this new direction of his is going to alter life enough to make changes yourself i.e. separation.

The RFA training has elements of military training but his lines about the harshness is rather funny for anyone who has undergone military training. The RFA are military support and as such retain a lot of perks that civilians automatically assume. But it must be extremely frustrating that he’s talking like he’s undergoing serious hard work to find out he’s in the pub!

Go enjoy the ball (if it’s the one I suspect it’s counted as one of the top 100 things to do before you die - world wide) but be aware that you need to talk to him properly. If you e struggled after 10 weeks of him having the ability to contact you, you might struggle much more once he goes to sea.

That's very interesting about the ball being one of the top 100 things to do!

The missing him is hard, and the infrequent contact as well but it's not that that I'm struggling with so much, I knew that when we both agreed to him joining through numerous conversations before he left.

It really just boils down to that he was acted like he was making a huge sacrifice for a better future but it feels like he's been on a lads holiday for 10 weeks whilst I've just been doing the drudgery of day to day life alone.

I think it's just this ten weeks though, after this he will be at college closer to home and home every weekend. But then again I've heard horror stories of what goes on on board the ships but I guess I will tackle that when his first trip comes up next year.

I knew it was going to be tough when I agreed to it but maybe I underestimated it!

My sons friend was in the era
They put him through college and he was on fabulous money but he quit after two years as he couldn’t stand being at sea for months at a time
He’d be on even more fabulous money now

RFA

A better life that involves him not being there a lot of the time? And you running home life single handed? Particularly if you are caring for his family and have had to leave your job.It sounds hard and I hope that all gets better.

I know many many people do it,but to me it falls into the life can be ** but you just have to get on with it category.

And how can a ball be in the top 100 things to do worldwide? It's a dance! A bit of dressing up,a bit of dancing,a bit of drinking...
Really ?

Isn't it just the same as when any man joins the armed forces? They have to spend large amounts of time away from the family. You knew that when you agreed to it. And hopefully he's earning decent money. I'm sure it won't be all fun and games anyway.

Are you at home by yourself? Do you work now?

And hopefully he's earning decent money.

Nope, he's more than halved the salary he was earning before he signed up. Once he's finished his training though it goes up to 10k more than he was on before he left (and he'd pretty much peaked his earnings potential in his previous career!) and then an upwards trajectory through the ranks if all goes to plan and he will be on very good money. I have a career plan that will hopefully see me on a reasonable salary as well so money wise things will probably end up quite comfortable. But is it worth it?

Plus he doesn't seem to quite have grasped that our joint income in NOWHERE near what it was 4 months ago and therefore I am a little bit about they money he must be spending in the pub.

Definitelt agree with the just have to get on with it sentiment!! We don't have any children yet, and Ive always been on the fence about having them at all and now I can't imagine coming round to the idea when he will be away for such long periods of time.

It's even just the stupidest things like when you're really tired and just want to go to bed, but you've still got to take the dogs out for their nighttime pee - we used to take it in turns but now it has to be me every. Single. Day.

Dolly yes I work now - I quit my previous relatively well earning job on the spot as I had a breakdown due to the toxic bullying culture (I had only been there for a couple of months). I found a temp job three days later that I've been doing for the last month which has been a nice placeholder although also paid half of what I was getting paid previously.

I did get a call on Friday though to offer me a new position in my field on money closer to what I was earning before so I will start that soon

OP do you even like him?

Yes of course I like him, in fact I love him very very much and miss him a lot too.

In fact I think that's another element of the whole thing, adjusting to maintaining a relationship that doesn't have any physical affection of affirmation, loving someone whose face you haven't seen for 10 weeks etc

The money on the pub - if they’re inside the base drinking its cheap (like cost price cheap) so it won’t be as excessive as you think but it is still a bit of a drinking culture.

Might be worth speaking to a few of the partners at the pass out and see how they handle it. Once you’ve adapted it’s fairly easy although frustrating at times, doing everything with no break is the hardest part. But despite the ‘fun’ he’s having now, it is work and he will have times of real challenge in his future.

Did you sit down and discuss all the pros and cons beforehand?

I can’t imagine not wanting to celebrate and support my husband in his endeavours so it seems quite sad that you both have veered off the same page and you feel so bitter and unhappy about what he is doing and achieving that makes him happy.

There’s always a little give and take but it sounds like a huge problem in your relationship and unfair on both of you if he doesn’t have your support and on you if you resent his absence and having to care for pets etc on your own.

If I felt like you do I would have to split up as resentment is hard to overcome.

Thanks MrsGrannyWeatherwax, that's helpful. To be honest, I do struggle with the drinking culture of it all quite a bit as I myself am not a big drinker - only a couple of times a year really.

Just for balance since I was accused of not liking him very much - he has sent me sweet good morning and good evening texts every single day, he bought me a dress for the ball that he knew I would love so it just turned up on the doorstep one day, he also texts me a countdown of how many days left (4 days now!) every lunchtime. He is a good man and a good partner - it's just been a big adjustment.

I feel a bit more positive already, maybe I just needed to get it off my chest and gain a bit of perspective.

S'cuse me - you had a termination because he's not going to be around enough? Did you want this termination?

The military life is notoriously hard for couples and families.

It's a very laddish culture and there is a lot of drinking and pratting about involved.

Partners are left to deal with the drudgery of home life for weeks on end whilst they are posted.

You should have thought about all of this before you agreed.

My opinion is either you accept this is the new way of things or you ask him to choose you or the RAF and accept his choice.

Theres a lot of resentment in your post towards him! Why are you taking on responsibility for his family, do they have a high level of needs? solely responsible for the day to day stuff that we used to share like walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, organising bills and paperwork etc etc. Isn't that just life? Who else are you having to cook and clean for?

onalongsabbatical I didn't really think of it like that, it just wasn't practical - not enough money, still in a one bedroomed flat, didn't want to do it alone etc. I didn't necessarily want a baby, no. However if this had happened 3 months earlier than would the outcome have been different? Possibly.

MrsElizabethShelby we did think about it all and talk about it all before he left and honestly, I didn't know about the laddish drinking prattlng about culture - neither of us know any military people or have been around that sort of life before. And it's also just been one thing after another after another the past few weeks which is what has made it harder I think. Usually my life isn't quite so dramatic.

We are definitely not splitting up - and I have spoken to him about all this and he has already said if it's at the point where it comes to that, he will quit as I am his number one priority.

I think I just woke up in a bad mood today because I feel a bit more positive about it all now

I've got my big girl pants on and get on with it but in the last 10 weeks I've had to terminate a pregnancy (mainly because he will be away for 80% of the next three years and I can't do it alone), there's been a huge family argument because my brother has been stealing from my mum, organised out engagement party, taken up caring for his grandma as best as I can between work etc, quit my job due to a mental health meltdown etc. Plus being solely responsible for the day to day stuff that we used to share like walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, organising bills and paperwork etc etc.

This has all happened in the last 10 weeks. It’s no wonder you’re feeling so low coping with all that in your own.
I’m not sure what to suggest but have a hug from me cos the last 10 weeks have been crap! I’m sure it will get better, you obviously both love each other and hopefully this will just be one of those crap times in life that you have to pull yourself through but you WILL come out the other side ok.

You can't judge what the future will be like based on the previous 10 weeks. It has been a huge learning curve for you, probably unlike anything you have previously had to do and quite rightly you feel like you have been left with the grunt work whilst your partner has (on the surface) appeared to be having a great time. I was only married for 4 weeks before I left for a 10 week training course and it is hard for the partner left behind. You've also had a lot to cope with excluding just adjusting to being on your own and getting into a routine. If I was you, I would go to the Passing Out Parade and Ball - it really is something special to see, then afterwards when things have calmed down sit and have a good heart to heart conversation about how you feel, what you are (not) coping with and how he can support you. It sounds like you normally have a good relationship, but it is being tested as the moment and without being honest with each other you will not be able to move forward.

I'd suggest reading a few of the threads on the MN section "forces sweethearts" to get an idea of what life is like for partners of people in the forces. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/forces_sweethearts

Personally, I think not supporting your partner and celebrating their success is terribly sad and indicative of a lack of caring about them. Passing out is a huge deal. I’m guessing he was at Dartmouth.
The balls are spectacular far, far more than just a dance.
He absolutely will have had to work hard to pass running up steep hills carrying a laden stretcher and doing long hours. Yes they do have a drink in the evenings but they’ve usually earned that.

Life on deployment isn’t all chocolates and sunbeds either. At the moment Cardigan Bay is stuck in 42 degrees without air conditioning carrying a high risk crew from special forces and NATO but with minimal defence systems. The RFA crew are working watches so long, odd hours another clock.

You didn’t ‘have to terminate’ you chose to because you didn’t want to care for a baby when your partner was away. They have leave between deployment. It’s not away for three years. Did you not discuss and agree his career change before he signed up or before you chose to get pregnant? It does feel like it’s all about you, to be honest. Not a good basis for s long term partnership really.

You really do need to pull up your big girl pants, sorry. You can have a termination for any reason you want, but don’t try and blame your partner’s job like it’s impossible for anyone to ever raise a child without both parents there 365 days a year.

To be honest it sounds like there’s a lot of stuff going on for you and it’s easy and convenient for you to blame it all on your partner’s job. If you can’t support him and don’t feel he will be around enough for you then don’t be with him. But don’t stay with him and blame him for every single thing you are pissed off about.

The RFA schedule is usually 4 months at sea followed by 2 1/2 months leave. So how is he going to be away 80% of the time?
I think you are feeling down so exaggerating everything. Talk to him.