I don't want to go to his parade

[Samaranian]

DP joined the RFA 10 weeks ago (for anyone who doesn't know - the RFA are the civilian manned support arm to the Royal Navy so it's quite similar to joining the Navy but you aren't officially classed as military).

He completes his basic training next week and they have a huge parade that lasts almost all day and a ball at nighttime to celebrate them "passing out".

I don't want to go.

He made out like it was going to be so hard for him, working out everyday, getting yelled at all the time, crawling through mum, getting woken up at 1am to do drills etc.

Actually, from what I can gather, he had a couple of days having fun shooting guns, had a few lessons about the weather, had a glorious time driving little boats down the river in glorious sunshine and most importantly, spent 90% of his evenings in the pub until 11.30 and then expected me to wait up to speak to him on the phone.

Meanwhile, I've found it quite tough adjusting to life alone. I mean, I've got my big girl pants on and get on with it but in the last 10 weeks I've had to terminate a pregnancy (mainly because he will be away for 80% of the next three years and I can't do it alone), there's been a huge family argument because my brother has been stealing from my mum, organised out engagement party, taken up caring for his grandma as best as I can between work etc, quit my job due to a mental health meltdown etc. Plus being solely responsible for the day to day stuff that we used to share like walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, organising bills and paperwork etc etc.

I'm tired. I feel like I'm the one who has had a hard time this past ten weeks and he's spent it getting pissed and practically being on an adventure holiday.

Ive already spent a few hundred pounds on flights, new dresses for the parade and ball, car hire etc for the pass out shenanigans but now I really don't want to go.

I don't want to prance about and celebrate all their "hard work" and pretend to be proud when to be honest, I just feel quite bitter.

I am still going to go because I don't want to upset him but AIBU for not wanting too? Maybe I've just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Do you have children at the moment? If no then you are just dealing with things that anyone living alone does. Unless I am missing something then that is just normal day to day isn't it?

Missing him when he is away etc I can understand but I am going to have to re read your initial post as I don't remember seeing any reference to that. Apologies if I am wrong though.

You sound extremely resentful of his choices regardless. Fair enough, forces life is not for everyone. However I can't see this relationship lasting the way your mindset s at present.

What do you do with your life? Do you work? If so, do you enjoy it? This will be your time to do something for you rather than just existing waiting for him to return. If you don't do this then your relationship may be in trouble sadly

Just seen you quit your job. Could you retrain if you were unhappy?

Just read the rest of your posts. It's good that you have a career plan and a job offer. Think of this as a positive long term strategy for financial security. You will probably find that after a period of adjustment you will quite enjoy having the home to yourself and pleasing yourself too

I must agree with Witchofzog - if you're married to someone in the forces, especially if they are away a lot, you really have to be resourceful and make a life for yourself. If you don't, life is going to be one long wait for him to come home the next time. Look at getting another job, getting some hobbies, making friends .

Passing out isn't just for him, it is an accomplishment for you both, if you are THIS resentful after 10 weeks I really don't see how you are supposed to make this relationship last. You sound incredibly bitter, has he done this with little conversation with you? This sounds much, much bigger than just the parade.

I think you need to decide whether you can be in a relationship with him when he has this job. I have friends who are army wives whose husbands go off for 6 months at a time and they are at home with the kids, dogs etc but they never ever complain about it or feel hard done by, as that is military life. It’s like you couldn’t choose to marry a pilot or surgeon and then be annoyed about them being on call / unable to plan hols etc due to unknown schedules etc. If you struggle with looking after yourself with him away (big girl pants?!! you’re a woman living on her on, no kids to even look after!!)

Sorry, I feel like I am monopolizing this thread a but, but I also wanted to add that this parade might be a really good chance to meet other partners who could be feeling some of the things you are. If you can make some contacts with them, you could all build a good support network for each other

I agree with Cherry, Fenella & Robbins

I feel like I'm the one who has had a hard time this past ten weeks and he's spent it getting pissed and practically being on an adventure holiday.

Would you have been happier, would your 10 weeks have been less shit if he had been having a shit time too? Did you want him to go sit by himself in his room every night?

It seems silly to not go to the parade and ball because he hasn't been miserable, which honestly is what it boils down to. You're punishing him because you were unhappy and he was supposed to be unhappy too.

I’ll be interested to see how you feel after the passing out celebrations. My stepson’s commissioning ball was one of the best evenings of my life.

I suspect he’s play down how hard training is to protect you. Sounds like he’s sold you the fun parts rather than moaning about 5am starts, standing to attention for two hours at a time, running cardiac hill until you vomit, sharing a room with twenty three others and being made to wade through freezing rivers then walk miles in wet clothes.

Buy yourself a new dress that meets the strict dress code and book accommodation for the night. Go and support the man and show him you care. Then enjoy the meal, the music, the pomp and ceremony, the dancing, the traditions, the funfair, the fireworks, the vodka luge, the rooftop cocktails etc. If you want to stay together you’ll have to step up to being more or less a forces wife and consider his needs as well as your own.

he doesn't seem to quite have grasped that our joint income in NOWHERE near what it was 4 months ago but you've both left better paid jobs? Would you like him to have said "stay in a job YOU dont like for better money"?