Can't cope with my children anymore

[sodrained]

Really need some advice please because I'm not coping anymore I have tried and tried and I'm so tired now. My DD is 4 my DS is 3 and I'm 20 weeks with my third that I'm now regretting.
My two just do not behave at all they are naughty from the moment they wake up till bedtime I have tried cutting out sugar, star charts, separate bed times I don't know what to do anymore. I get no help from family at all I get no break unless they are at school which my DD doesn't start full time until late September so I'm hoping she improves then.

Types of things they do, in the fridge every second, ripping wallpaper off walls, being rude, breaking stuff, tipping all shower stuff away or filling sink with tissue and blocking the sink up, trashing there bedroom and won't help to put it back, hurt each other then they are best friends again, if I put one in time out the other will go over and set them off I just don't know what to do their dad works full time so it's just me. I'm struggling so bad I can't do it anymore I feel so upset, I'm constantly telling them I love them, I reward all good behaviour I try and take them out but even when I do that they run off or play up, if I take them supermarket they throw stuff on the floor and break it like melons and stuff, or they just rub away and hide in rails. I'm so tired of fighting them it's making me wish I never became a parent I'm obviously not good enough.

If I clean one room they destroy something in another room, today for example I'm cleaning the kitchen they've poured cups of water into the sofa and emptied a potty on to it that was next on my list to empty. I just don't understand why they are like this to me.

Is there a DP in this to support you?

I think you need to reach out ASAP to a health visitor, explain the situation, and ask them for help.

Things need to go back to basics with expectations and house rules. And consistency. Wipe the slate clean, and start as you mean to go on...which I appreciate is easy to say when you are not overwhelmed (I empathise as I am too, just in a different way)

The fact you are pregnant too, you really need some support for your physical and mental health too

@SweetAsSpice Hi thanks for the reply there is the kids are a lot better for him than me if he tells them to sit down and just eat there dinner they will, if I ask they walk around eating etc for example. He works 5 days a week morning to evening so time he gets in I've somehow managed to get them into bed so he doesn't see them as such. Im seeing a counsellor at the moment for my anxiety and I have spoken to her about it but all I ever get is all kids are the same at this stage but surely that's not true. I just don't understand where I've gone wrong maybe over spoiled them I don't know

Firstly... sending hugs!! Secondly...I am in no way an expert...i just want to try and offer some advice/support.

I am currently pregnant, so I know how exhausting it can be trying to get through pregnancy with also managing another child/children.

Do you have a routine? I find it really helpful to have a tight routine..doing similar tasks each day...what I mean is... breakfast...Having a wash...then straight to get dressed... Then whatever we are doing that day... Our mornings always start the same...

Could you ask your husband to have a day off...so you can have some me time...it's important you deal with this together and you look after your own well being!

My two (3&5) drive me up the wall! Together they are a nightmare - sometimes they will play nicely but they also do all sorts of awful things. I honestly cannot imagine looking after them while pregnant. Things have got better in the last year, the summer before school started was really awful. This afternoon I am enduring soft play because I’m fed up of them trashing the house in the name of play. It’s like a whirlwind has ripped through the place every evening and it’s tiresome!

Op, it's very normal, small dc are bloody hard work. It's gruelling and pushes every button.

Is there any holiday clubs that working mums use near you? I used to book mine in for a few days a week in holiday to give myself a break (sahm).

They obviously have basic understanding being so little, try and give structured 'destroying' time.. Craft, paper to rip and stick through times when yiu need to tell them off for inside damage.

Run them in park for hours every day.

Yes soft play was life saver.

In our house it seems their favourite game is emptying all of the toys and mixing them up together I to some mountain of toy hell

I think your health visitor would be able to put you in touch with something like the volunteering service that supports young families at home. Can't think what it's called but you get someone who becomes a family friend basically and helps mums struggling with young children.

I don't think tearing off the wallpaper, blocking the sink with paper and emptying a potty on the sofa is normal. I have a similar age gap and I've worked with pre-schoolers.

Some charities are offering mellow parenting courses to address this type of behaviour, help parents to cope, but really OP you must get HV support on this one. Do either of them normally go to nursery or pre-school?

@genie - Surestart, not available nationwide but worth a try OP

I’m a firm believer that the devil has work for idle hands to do. In other words, keep the little...um...darlings too busy to get up to mischief!
I structured the day when my DC were preschool, so they had a walk every morning, some active play with a ball or on trikes, story time on the sofa, a few board games, half an hour of tv or a children’s video, some craft time doing painting, crayoning or collage, and they helped with the chores.
That way, they didn’t get bored and destructive.
It’s interesting that they behave for their dad, but not you. They obviously don’t respect your authority, OP. You need to establish control here as the adult.
I wouldn’t confuse them by chopping and changing discipline methods like naughty steps or time out. I never bothered. I never needed to shout, either. I just had a quiet menacing hiss, a death stare, and an air of uncontested authority!
If you believe in yourself, the DC will too. You need to work on your confidence - it’s like officer training, you need to practice being in charge. Never let the wee shits think they’ve got the upper hand. They’ll not only trash the place, they’ll feel unhappy, insecure and out of control. Kids like boundaries, and the reassurance of an adult in control.
I’d spend much less time on cleaning, and more on activities to occupy the troops, improving their behaviour. Once they’re civilised, you can enjoy outings where they won’t disgrace you and cause havoc! And there’ll be far less wreckage to clean at home.
You can do this, OP. Find your inner supermum skills and take charge!
If you don’t feel confident at first, fake it til you make it. Their reception teacher will thank you for sorting it before they hit the classroom- she’ll have enough feral kids to deal with. Best of luck. And a hug - you sound despairing. But it will get better. God bless.

It’s homestart that supports families with under fives.

Great advice @Babdoc - I need to take a leaf out of your book!

Do you have enough funds for childcare ? As you could then have some time for yourself and some one to one time with each child

I barely cope with mine but what I do find helps is getting out every morning at 9 and heading to somewhere with open space - the woods is my favourite - for them to run around and explore. Also I avoid shops and crowded places at all costs.

I think they see you as a soft touch. Don't be afraid to give them a sound bollocking - imo overly gentle parenting leads to poor behaviour later on in life in some cases (not a criticism, just an observation of the accepted current wisdom). When you've had your next baby I would suggest looking for work even if you only end up earning enough to cover childcare. It would be a respite for you and would do your children good to have to fit in with behavioural norms (it could also highlight any behavioural disorder).

@Babdoc - great advice!

Sounds a nightmare, and being pregnant again you must be very tired.
I had 3 children, and what 's coming across is that your home is not child proofed.
You need child proof locks on everything - fridge, cupboards, doors. They should not be able to access anything messy/dangerous. So no potty anywhere near the sofa - keep it in the bathroom. In fact You Could train them to use the toilet so no potty at all - though that's more of a long term plan.
Don't let them have access to toys which can be thrown around- just let them have ou t what they are actually playing with, and put it away as soon as they've finished with it. Food and drinks stay in the kitchen.
Sounds like you need to practice being strict- for example if they try to walk around with food, take it away. If they throw toys, take them away. If they scream and fuss tell them they must be tired and start bath/ bed routine.
Lots of people have already recommended masses of exercise, so go to the park, take a picnic. Stay out as long as you can, then straight into winding down tidy/ tea/ bath / story / bed routine.
Get DH to help in getting everything secure with locks -you can just put catches/ hooks at the top of doors, so they ca nt get in the kitchen( or whatever room you're not in).
Then sign up for a parenting course because you have to crack this before the baby arrives.

Sounds tough. My 4.5yo is pushing all my buttons at the mo and my 2yo has hit the screaming tantrums stage. I read a book called magic 123 a few months ago and it's been very helpful. The basic idea is as soon as Dd starts doing something i want her to stop, i say "that's a 1". If she carries on then I say "that's a 2". If she get a 3, she gets told "that's a 3" and goes to her room for a "calm down". She has 4mins, one for every Yr of age. There's no discussion, no negotiation, and it's used for all scenarios from whinging, back chat, through to fighting with her brother, or yesterday, throwing all her toys down the stairs then getting her 2yo brother to slide down them on a dressing gown 🙈 Hitting is an immediate "3". At first I had to carry her up to get room kicking and screaming and shut the tall stair gate to keep her up there. But now she will take herself up. We don't call it a punishment, so in her room she can play or whatever she wants to do to calm down. She will often put a cd on or play with her dolls house. And once it's done, it's done, we don't talk about it again. It's really helping here. We're all clear on the rules, so I feel more in control. I feel like I'm being firm but fair. A large chunk of the book is dedicated to positive parenting, as the other side of the coin to the discipline.

I also agree with the advice to get out of the house!!!! Staying in is a nightmare!

Just to make something clearer, with the magic 123 the idea is that you can just day "that's a 1" and they'll pack it in!!! We have! But then we let things slide and have to get back on it.

It sounds really hard, and there is no one size fits all solution. I found having as little stuff out as possible for them to break or destroy. Put things away or try and get rid of anything you don’t need. Stair gates on doors mean that it is harder for them to get into fridge or fill cups with water etc, also makes it easier for you to keep an eye on them. Locks on cupboards etc-whatever makes life easier and stops them causing havoc. If they get down from table at meals just take food away-stay very calm and as matter of fact as possible- ‘we eat at the table in this house ..’ I find using ‘we’ helps rather than ‘you’.
Routine is key. Try and tidy toys out of reach, then take one thing at a time out to play with (duplo/play food etc). Take them out for physical play every day if possible. Save tv for when you are desperate-makes it more of a treat. I found a bath every night, then quiet time/stories etc calmed them down-and could also shorten the afternoon if bad weather!
Also divide and conquer-have one in trolley at supermarket, one in pushchair (take turns if nec). Try and do stuff with only 1 child -put the other into playgroup/leave with DH etc)-I found they were far less likely to run away on their own (far less brave!). Take one swimming or something else you can enjoy together-they can be so much easier and much more fun 1-1-rediscover your joy with them.
Do as much as you can online/while they are asleep. Be kind to yourself. Remember all parents have things they struggle with, I found the toddler stage easy-teens not so much! It might be totally different for you!

Babdoc that is great advice!

My children (now adults) were recently fondly reminiscing about the time I stopped the car and told them to get out and walk home if they couldn't behave in the back together. (They must have been pre/primary age - I don't remember it at all but it has clearly burned into their memories!!)

Apparently it worked anyhow.

OP - I agree that your children see you as a soft touch and obviously think there are no consequences for their behaviour.

I would advise that you explain, in a way they can understand, that certain behaviour isn't acceptable and that there will be consequences if they are naughty. But you have to follow through and be prepared for a lot of whingeing till they get used to the new order.

And I get that at 20 weeks you are probably exhausted, but it sounds as though they need wearing out - is there a small children's play park near you where they can't escape and they can wear themselves out safely?

Hi they usually do two full days at a nursery but because of half term now I can't afford to send them in at the moment until middle of September when they start school and nursery @StaplesCorner