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Original poster

Taking one DS home (Aus) for holiday and leaving other DS for 3 weeks with Daddy [hmm]

39 replies

HomesickMa · 09/08/2019 10:47

Hi Mumsnetters...this is my first ever post...! :)

I'm an Aussie mum (living in the UK) of two boys aged 1 and 4.5.

Having kids on the other side of the world to my fam has been a real struggle and home sickness is a part of my daily life (Partner is English and isn't keen on moving back...but my oh my that's a whole other thread!)

I'm thinking of taking a trip back to visit my family in Aus in November...but taking that flight on my own with two kids just isn't doable for me. Taking one however is (I've done that many times with my first born).

I'm thinking of just taking my 1 year old and leaving my 4.5 year old at home with Daddy for 3 weeks. I'm concerned though....I have a case of the guilts for sure, and don't know how he will cope (the 4 yr old ...and Daddy!). I've never left him for more than a night, and as we don't have much family around, it's been him and me like peas in a pod since he was born. He is a pretty confident and secure little thing but I know he'll miss his mama, and his little bro who has quickly become his bestie :)

BUT I'm missing home and really feel a strong urge to go see my parents and for them to see my 1 year old, as he's growing and changing SO MUCH and SO FAST! Also...best friend is getting married at that time...so another reason to go...
I'm possibly being a bit greedy as we were all there as a family in March this year... but also just thinking...you never know what's around the corner...and my folks are getting older and I know how much it's kinda killing them missing out on seeing their grand babies grow up (can you smell the guilt on me?!)

My boy will have started school in September and will have had a half term and a bit there...My partner is supportive of it but is also a bit concerned about it too...only natural I guess.

Interested to know your thoughts...given the situation, would you do it?

Thanks mamas xx

OP posts:
HoneyWheeler · 09/08/2019 10:49

I'm an Aussie expat too. I have only got the one kid but my friend has three and she's taken only one of them before. The other ones were in school and they managed! They kissed each other but it wasn't long. Don't know if it's helpful but she did it!

HoneyWheeler · 09/08/2019 10:49

Missed each other not kissed! 🤦🏽‍♀️

RowingMermaid · 09/08/2019 10:56

With things like facetime and being able to contact your Dh and your eldest son why wouldn't you go?

You said yourself that you have done this many times with your eldest child anyway, why should your second born not have the same experiences?

You are leaving him with his Dad, he will have the routine of school, all positives.

Take your baby, have a great time.

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Original poster
HomesickMa · 09/08/2019 11:45

@HoneyWheeler haha I'm sure they also kissed when they said their goodbyes ;)
Yes definitely manageable...just my mama guilt creeping in.

@RowingMermaid Thanks for replying :) Yeah I did it with my eldest but feels different this time leaving one child 'behind'. It was a chat with my folks this morning that re-triggered my concerns...I told them I was thinking of coming for a visit with my 1 yr old and instead of what I thought would be an elated response, my mum looked concerned and said 'oh dear, how do you think [4yo[ would cope? He'd really miss you. He might fret'....eek.
Thanks for your encouraging words!
x

OP posts:
RowingMermaid · 09/08/2019 12:07

@HomesickMa

He'd really miss you. He might fret

And your Dh is there to reassure him, you can facetime him too so he can see you and speak to you. I should have said in my pp that I am a SAHM and have been since Ds1 was 16 months old, before that I had a year of maternity and then worked part time.

We had no family around so it was just me and Ds1, then we relocated with Dh's job (hence the SAHM bit) and again no family on the doorstep and for a while I had no friends Sad so it really was just me and him. I had Ds2 when Ds1 literally turned 3. So I get where you are coming from.

But, this will be a learning curve for your Dh, and should make their bond stronger. I often left Dh with the boys for hours at a time without them having the option of running to me and I went away for whole weekends leaving Dh with the boys.

We still do one on one time with them, even if it is just a tip run! They are now 16 and 13! They are very close to their Dad.

If you don't go you are giving the message that you don't trust your Dh to be able to handle any questions or upset. If your son does get upset then it shows how much he loves you. It is 3 weeks not 3 years. Don't play into your parents' fears. He will be fine. He might even piss you off by having the best time with Daddy Wink

pusspuss9 · 09/08/2019 12:14

I wouldn't do it to be honest. Little 4 year old would be very upset I think,.
I'm glad your mum also saw the concern. If you were there in March then you have seen them all recently.

happinessischocolate · 09/08/2019 12:16

Could you not take both?

I took my 2, aged 1 year and 3.5 years to Aus on my own, and it was the year old that caused the most problems not the older one.

I'm just thinking that at 4.5 I think he'll still be able to miss school, from next year or the year after you'll find it a lot harder to take him in term time.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 09/08/2019 12:16

I'd leave the 1yo with daddy and take the 4yo to see his family

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 09/08/2019 12:26

I can completely understand your reasons and desire to go but I really don’t think it’s fair on your older child to leave for that length of time in their first term at school and for me that would override all other factors.

Damntheman · 09/08/2019 12:28

It'd totally take the older one not the younger :p 1 year olds on long plane rights are such a nightmare! 4.5 is old enough to sleep, watch tv, not be a pain :D

I think it'll be fine to just take your baby OP. 4.5 year olds are a lot more resiliant than you think. You've got facetime, he'll miss you, but think how wonderful it'll be to come home again! Lovely. Have a wonderful holiday!

Nanamilly · 09/08/2019 12:30

Op, can your patents visit you? If so could you share the cost of the tickets?

Does a friends wedding count in the grand scheme of things? No. Not really. Parents count but not a friends wedding.

PotolBabu · 09/08/2019 12:32

Surely the older one will be easier on the flight? I have done a lot of solo long haul with two kids (28 hours+). I prefer to do one long night flight, a nice layover where the kids can rest and then another night flight (as per their body clock). It’s been fine so far. The 1 year old will be way more trouble than the 4.5 year old who will also get more out of visiting his family at this age.

Wildboar · 09/08/2019 12:33

I’d take both - the 4.5 year old would surely be easier than a one year old. They can walk, will probably sleep a lot of the journey, could get a kindle or similar and download loads of programs. It’ll be better than you think.

MamaRaisingBoys · 09/08/2019 12:35

I wouldn’t do it, but doesn’t mean you shouldn’t!

I would hate it if older dc found it harder than expected, I just wouldn’t enjoy my time away so there would be no point. But you know your child best and if you think he’d cope well or not

adaline · 09/08/2019 12:36

I don't think I would, sorry.

Can you not wait a bit longer and all go over as a family?

lovelookslikethis · 09/08/2019 12:38

I wouldn't be keen to leave your eldest child who has only just started school, which is quite unsettling in itself for so long.

Either:

Go altogether at christmas for a longer break or October half term (10 days)
Go on your own with none of the kids for one week
Ask parents to come to you.

I would not leave a four year old for 3 weeks, I think it will be very hard for him.

GraduationDilemma · 09/08/2019 12:40

I'd go - He'll have his dad and you can skype or facetime every day and make it fun! He'll be at school for most of the time and probably very tired if he's just started so its not like it's over the six weeks hols when he'd be at home with you every minute.

Time with one parent is a good idea I think, my ex husband was hopeless with his own children until I started pottering off on the odd adventure on my own and he had to step up. He's got his own way of doing things with them that I've shock horror had to admit are better than mine on occasion.

I'm sure your partner is perfectly capable! Grin

Enko · 09/08/2019 12:43

I would and I have taken just 1 or 2 of my children away leaving the others w dh. Good for bonding with both parents benefiting.

Longdistance · 09/08/2019 12:44

I took dd1 not quite 3 and dd2 13mo from Oz to the UK on my own in 2012 when the Olympics were on. I bought an extra seat for dd2.
Dd1 was not walking but I had a backpack carrier which she sat on walking through the airport. A double buggy in the hold. At Heathrow a buggy came to take us to collect our bags, we were really well looked after. I only had a wheelie case with our stuff in. It’s doable with two on your own.

Crunched · 09/08/2019 12:49

Please go! You say you have visited with your elder DC before the LO arrived (just the 2 of you) and I’m sure a brilliant relationship was forged with him and his DGPs. Give the 1 yr old a chance of the same whilst allowing your DH and DS1 some quality bonding 1 on 1.

NotEven · 09/08/2019 12:51

Wow, I’m surprised at the replies. The kid is being left with his Dad right????

I would take the baby and leave the older child. You can have a lovely relaxing catch up with your family and you son and husband can have a great time without you. I don’t see why the older boy would be upset. He is 4.5 - he will accept what you say.

We have split our kids up for trips in the past and always found it to be a fun positive experience.
Also, it will be much cheaper to only take the baby. Maybe your husband can use the saving to go on a weekend trip with your older boy.
I wouldn’t give this a moments thought.

Original poster
HomesickMa · 09/08/2019 14:59

Thanks for your replies, everyone!

A few reasons for deciding to only take the younger child...

  1. He's spent the least amount of time with my family (being only 1 and all)
  2. My Partner will have to work while I'm away, so not possible to leave baby at home as we couldn't afford (and wouldn't want to) put him in almost full time childcare (4yo will be at school)

@PatolBabu Yep, the 1 yo will DEFINITELY be more work than the 4.5 yo on the flight. But I know myself and know I wouldn't cope well at all on that journey on my own with the two of them. Whilst 4yo has grown out of most of his toddler-esque ways, he's still prone to the odd tantrum where he hits and runs away...and I just physically don't have the hands to deal with it! I would absolutely love to be able to take them both...but even the stress I'd feel leading up to the flight...just not worth it, sadly. HATS OFF to these wonder travel mums who do it!

@Nanamilly it's difficult for my parents to visit...my Dad is terrified of flying. They can't afford it, and whilst we could help them with the fare, we don't have much room to put them up at our place and I know for a fact my Dad finds it a bit awkward staying with us...it all gets a bit strained. Hence why I'm always usually the one to go back...even with the nightmare task of flying with littl'uns!

If I do go, my partner and I have discussed that he would take some time off work and do something special with 4yo...Thomas or Lego Land, so he feels like he's getting to do something cool and not just be missing out on a trip to Australia :)

Thanks so much for your input! I'll continue to ponder...I'm a heck of an over-thinker Confused

xox

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 09/08/2019 16:18

Brit in Oz here....do it. A lot of these responders don't have a clue what it's like to live with children so far from home or the practicalities of travelling so far with two tiny kids. Your older son will be fine.

zafferana · 09/08/2019 16:26

How will you feel being away from your little boy all that time? He will undoubtedly be well cared for by his dad and he'll be okay, but will you be able to enjoy yourself? He'll definitely really miss you, so how will you feel? A week is one thing, but three is a long time, particularly when you've only been apart for 1 night so far.

Rockbird · 09/08/2019 16:29

A friend of mine just spent a few weeks with her family in South Africa with her youngest, and left the two school age kids with their father. They all coped just fine.