Help from teen mums please!

[jadeh19]

Hi,
I am 19 years old and feeling quite broody. I had a miscarriage at 18, I wasn't trying to conceive. But it was a horrible time and I knew I wasn't ready for it, so I just put it down to everything happens for a reason. But I now really want a baby, I don't know if 19 is too young. Did any of you teen mum's out there wish that you waited longer to conceive?
Look forward to hearing from you,
Jade

Hi Jade ,hope you don't mind a non teen mum replying. Had my son when I was 24. I think you should think beyond the baby years, beyond the kisses and cuddles because it is super challenging (yet rewarding) . I wish I thought more about childcare and who will take care of him when I work. It has been one of the most stressful parts of life, I just wish I thought about it more even at 24 ! I feel like it's not really age that counts it's whether you're commited to take this lifelong journey of highs and lows and many many more things . Think about it Jade, like REALLY think about it . And from me to you, when it does happen , you'll be a great mummy. Take care

As the previous poster has mentioned, look at the cost of a full time nursery place if you're going to want to work or study full time in the next 5 years. Round here it costs about £80 per day.

A friend of mine is the same age as me (37) her eldest is 19 and youngest 16. She’s loving life now that her kids are grown up.
She struggled at the start. She put herself through uni and a PGCE while also working part time in various places. It was hard and she did it.
Her and the kids dad have had their ups and downs but they’re still hanging on. Her eldest is now in uni and the youngest is about to start an apprenticeship.

I don’t think she regrets it for one minute. I think she’s glad she did it younger. We’re the same age and I’m just starting out. Don’t think I’m anywhere near as laid back and easy going as I would have been if I was younger.

My brother was 16 when he had a child. His eldest is also 19 now. It was a mistake but a good one. He and his ex are still friendly and have done well out of life. But they had a lot more support than my friend did.

I was 32 having my first and 34 having my second. I owned my own home at 18, but was a bit disorganised and immature. My life wasn’t anywhere near ready for kids. I’ve worked hard, found the perfect husband and got myself into a position where I could afford to take the full mat leave, work part time. But I’m tired. Exhausted most days. Wish I’d had them a little younger. But it’s worked out this way and looking back it’s been for the best.

Only you know you, your life, your motivation. Do whatever is right and works for you xx

I’m not a teen mum. Had my first at 27. And second at 29. Although it’s a good age maturity wise, my energy is depleted and I do wish I had them earlier.

I think if you have good support network and able to continue your education, have one child only and wait for a bit until you get the hang of things and then have the second after uni.

My best friend had her child at 19, she put them in nursery while she continued and she had lots of family support. She was in a stable relationship and her partner was able to provide financially.

She had her second when she graduated and she is now enjoying her late twenties with both of them in school while she gets on with her career.

It depends on your circumstances. I remember being broody at 19 but it just didn’t work out. I would’ve definitely had a baby if things were stable and I had support.

Are you able to self fund your having a baby?

Having a baby at 19, you’ll make it work no doubt. But wouldn’t you rather have a life without the responsibility of looking after a child for a few years?

Allow yourself to grieve your lost baby but don’t jump into having another too soon.

Age isn’t an issue as much as your current circumstances i.e. how are you going to financially support this child? If you can’t answer this clearly then it’s best to wait - you have lots of time! Sorry for your loss

I was your age and I wish I waited. I felt left out at uni and I feel left out now (10 years later) from all of my friends who are only just having their first. Your time will come but enjoy your life without the responsibility first

I had DS at 21. He was unplanned as DH and I had only been together a few weeks. Luckily we stayed together, and DS is now 19. But it was bloody difficult financially. DH was an amazing dad, he had lots of experience though as a single parent to my stepsons.

The big positive for me was being able to develop my career in my 30s and know that I wasn't going through the baby years, I could work away from home and DS was old enough to not need me constantly. Many of my friends are only just starting to have families now and it's interfering with their careers.

I had my first at 15.
I know that was far too young, but it happened. I missed out on my childhood.
The hardest time for me was when dd was about 3, I would have been 18. I worked full time, my mum looked after her. All my friends were going on holiday for the first time something I could never do. Also the girls I worked with would all go out at the weekend something else I couldn't do. All my money went on dd.

Your young, enjoy that time.

It's not really about age, how will you support the child?, can your relationship survive the stress of parenting? Where will you live? Benefits especially in the SE don't even cover rent in a hovel these days. I would concentrate on getting your life on track, getting either academic or vocational qualifications and a job that has career potential, and crucially maternity benefits. By mid 20's you will be in a good position then to support your child both financially and emotionally because you will have that life experience

Do not ttc!!

Unless you're in education you'll be paying around £60-70 per DAY for nursery fees if you want to work. Being a stay at home mum will be exhausting and you'll have no fun as all your friends will be jetting off/driving/working/partying.

You may not stay with the dad and it'll be harder to find someone new.

Also do not underestimate sleep deprivation and the stress of a baby.

I'm doing ok as I get student finance for fees and live at home but in no way would I recommend actively trying at 19. Definitely not, and not just to replace the one you miscarried. It's hard now but you'll regret it if you gave one. Just wait a few years and get on your feet

I miscarried my fist pregnancy when I was 18, I'm now 27 and have 3 children. I had my oldest child when I was 21, after years of longing for a baby after my miscarriage. I was so depressed and it was the only way for me to get over what had happened. But if I'm completely honest and could go back I would tell myself to wait. I really know the desperation and the feeling of missing out, but if you could find a way past it, and find a way to live your life for yourself, you'll be much better prepared for a family. I love my children to bits, but there is no doubt that life would be better for them and me if I'd waited until I was older xx

No, education and career first please, you have no idea how important it is. A baby at your age is ridiculous, how are you planning to provide for it?

Do you have a partner? Your own place? Money for nursery?

I know you feel sad about your MC and it must be awful. People do manage but only because they have to - why not wait til 25? Still v young but an adult with years of work experience and savings behind you?

I had my first son at 19 . I'm 28 now . I love my kids to bits more than anything in this world but I really do wish I'd waited till I was older . The saying is true . Your life completely changes on a massive scale . It's extremely hard work being a parent and a 24/7 job and you have to grow up so quick . I wish I'd enjoyed being young first

I had an ectopic pregnancy (unplanned) at 20. For years after I desperately wanted a baby. I felt sad when friends started to announce their pregnancies as I was convinced I would not be able to have children (had one fallopian time removed).

However we waited and at 25 we had our first baby. I'm glad I waited, even at 25 I felt young. Babies change your entire life. They are wonderful but they are the ultimate tie.

Perhaps what you are feeling is that longing for your baby you sadly miscarried? Start a career and get secure before you ttc and life will be just that little bit easier.

I had my first pregnancy at 19 and became a mum at 20. I'm 31 now and had my second baby last year

I absolutely wish I'd waited longer to conceive. I love both of my boys obviously but the experience has been worlds apart. I didn't realise just how much I'd feel excluded and pushed out of my twenties. I was a bit of a nerdy teen so I thought it was all partying and stuff that I'd miss and I wouldn't really miss that but it's so much more. Sounds so cliche but just getting to know yourself. It makes such a difference and honestly I'm a much better parent to my second child.

Would also recommend at least 5 years of being with someone before TTC. The right partner is more important than the right timing but it takes time of being together to really know.

I was 21, lost most of my friends and despite loving my DD to pieces, it was so hard, so lonely and I am still skint because of it.
I have another DD now too, both are beautiful teens however I’m still lonely, everyday is tough and I am full of guilt for not being able to give them a nice holiday, not being able to buy a nice (safe?) car to get us about in (I love our car but it is a complete banger and it screams “poor people”) and I feel I missed out on lots of their childhoods due to having to absolutely work my arse off to make ends (almost) meet.
I would walk the Earth for my kids, I just wish I’d had a few years for myself first.

I got pregnant at 19. Not planned but it happened. He's now 25. I had to grow up quickly. I had my 2nd and 3rd child then my marriage broke down and I became a single mother raising 3 kids alone. There is a.lot you dont realise until your in it. You can't go out when you want to, running a household was harder than I thought, the arguing and tantrums, money or lack of it, the nonstop life, work, housework, bath time, tea time, bedtime, teenage years. The whole parenting thing is hard work. It is worth it but it's hard. Having a baby is a lovely idea but babies grow up. My idea of motherhood is nothing like the reality. I now have 4 boys and wouldn't change a thing but it's been a lot tougher than I ever imagined xx

I second the comment that the right partner is the thing that makes the difference for whether raising a kid is very hard or tolerably hard.

I too had a miscarriage last year, but fell pregnant again about six months later.
Now lying in bed with my month old baby, sleep deprived, with her wide awake. We both caught a bug over the weekend and I ended up calling my mum in the middle of the night crying because I couldn't cope being sick and all that whilst caring for her and not sleeping, and had to call her the next day so I could rest again.
It's amazing being a mum but given the chance again I'd probably wait another couple of years. It's such hard work, all my friends are off to Spain or America etc but I'm stuck in all day, or getting out takes about thirty minutes longer just to get dressed, that's forgetting putting the pram up, feeding her, checking I've not forgotten anything.
If you're really desperate nothing will stop you but I'd definitely wait if possible.

Thank you all for messaging me back. I am not wanting to have a baby to replace the one that I miscarried. I think I am just jealous of people who have babies when I lost mine. Which is selfish of me to think, but I think its normal for anyone going through the same thing. I am currently working full time, and so is my partner. We aren't wanting a baby right now but I would love to have one. We have sat down and spoke about it as we are saving up for a house of our own. We have the support from both sides of the family. I know this is a very big decision to make and can't be taken lightly. I am not naive, and I know that it is something that needs to be spoken about a lot more before anything is decided. But I do think we will be waiting until we get our house. I grew up pretty much raising my baby brother so I know partly how hard raising a baby is. Thank you again for messaging back, you have all been really helpful.

Definitely get on the property ladder first. I had DS at 22, we were in rented accommodation. I ended up separating from my partner and as a single mum I'm still renting at 29 as it's so much harder to save money when you have a child.

I was pregnant at 16 and 17 when I had my daughter.

I, stupidly, got married in between.

The marriage was a disaster, the baby not so much.

I would say that you can do everything you want to do when you have a baby, but oh my god it makes things harder.

Harder to just "got to work" you've got to get them up, to the childminder whatever before you even start.... but I'm sure you know all this.

I echo what the other posters have said about being out of sync with friends. When my DC was a teenager they were all having babies and I wasn't that interested. Now I have little grandchildren they all have teenagers and are not interested in the baby stage.

If you split up with a partner a grumpy 6 year old does not help in the dating stakes!

.. I also echo what an earlier poster said about thing beyond the baby stage - not many people say "I really really want a 7 year old" and you always end up with one of those!

I have a DN who had a baby at 15 - he's 6 now and she is the most isolated, lonely, broke person I know - she was centre of attention when pregnant and when he was a baby but she see's literally nobody but her own Dad now. Everything that is difficult about having a baby and a small child has proved too difficult for her and she has basically given up.

I think she is hoping that when he is about 15 and she is 30 she can "start her life". Very sad really.

I hope this helps? It's too hard to say whether or not I regret having a baby that young because nobody would want to say they regret having their child - I love my DC and wouldn't change that aspect - would I have liked more or a youth - yes - but I'm not sure it wasn't the long term relationship (marriage to a much older man) that got in the way of that too!

I got back on track in the end - but only when I was about 33!!!