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Original poster

Is my husband lying about our debts

30 replies

chefclaire · 05/08/2019 21:50

For the last few days alarm bells have been ringing in my head and I just don’t know if I am over reacting. My husband has been getting a lot of phone calls that he won’t answer he keeps telling me their just PPI rubbish but I’ve noticed he now keeps his phone on silence, he has also changed his password on his phone. This week our mortgage payment bounced when I spoke to him he said he’d paid it, when I checked a few days later it’s still unpaid he now says the money has been lost in transfer ?. His card got declined when we were out the other day. Tonight I found a load of in opened letters so I opened one and discovered he’s in arrears with a credit card with nearly £12k of debt. I’ve tried several times to talk calmly about it and he just gives me excuses which I don’t believe. Tonight I tried again and he got really angry with me he doesn’t know yet I’ve opened one of his bills. I really don’t know what to do I can’t afford to pay he half of the mortgage any advice please

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 05/08/2019 22:00

There are charities and organisations that can help with debt management including Step Change. They decide how much you can afford to pay (after taking all your bills out FIRST) then negotiate with the companies a monthly payment plan.

They are a god send and really take the pressure off the spiral of debt.

However, you need his cooperation to start that process so I think you have to confront him.

Perhaps offering a solution at the and time as saying you've seen the credit cars bill might make it easier for him to open up?

Graphista · 05/08/2019 22:03

That all sounds deeply worrying.

You need to find out exactly where you stand ASAP before you find yourself bloody homeless!

I'd be very tempted in your position to do a thorough credit check on your and your husbands info I'm sure you have all the data required.

You clearly cannot trust him to tell you what the fuck is going on!

Is he working? (Supposedly) are you?

TooTiredToBeCreative · 05/08/2019 22:05

Can you join Experian on a 30 day free trial to check your credit rating? Will show any debts that are in joint names.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Debt
NotStayingIn · 05/08/2019 22:27

I find your post a little bit confusing. You seem to ask whether he is in debt and whether you are overreacting? But at the same time, you found a debt you knew nothing about for £12k. Is that right? If you found out accidentally about £12k of debt, then yes he is in debt and lying about it.

So if I was you I would believe the following: the £12k credit card debt is the tip of the iceberg. You are about to get into mortgage arrears. There will be more debt you don't know anything about. He is lying to you.

Good luck OP. I hope you can convince him to open up to you and seek help. Flowers

PersonaNonGarter · 05/08/2019 22:28

Find all the envelopes and open them.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/08/2019 22:28

Sounds to me like you're in deep shit.

Both of you as you are married.

Mortgage not paid, £12k (accumulating interest) in a credit card and who knows what else....

His debts are your debts.

First thought, where is the money going?

Do you have enough income to cover your outgoings?

If so, then is there another issue? Gambling? Drugs? OW?

Get as much financial info as you can as soon as you can.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2019 22:31

You are in serious trouble and your husband is lying his arse off. Do you have any idea where your money is going! Could it be gambling or drugs? If you are making your own money, I strongly suggest you put it in a private account he can't touch if you haven't already done so. You need to make some very big decisions very quickly before he ruins you and you lose your home.

DianaT1969 · 05/08/2019 22:32

Assuming the £12k debt is the only debt (hoping for your sake, but unlikely), what do you suspect it was spent on? You know your combined income and outgoings. Is there a chance he lost his job? Gambles? Does he usually cut you out of financial decisions/issues?

DianaT1969 · 05/08/2019 22:36

I suspect that speaking to Stepchange and your mortgage provider needs to be your priority. No time to pussyfoot around him. Show him the letter, open all the others and discuss. Keep reminding him that debts within a marriage have repurcussions for the other. So there's no point hiding them.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/08/2019 22:38

Where is the money going?

procrastinatingtoday · 05/08/2019 22:50

Noddle does free credit checks. Or credit karma as they've now called. Check it asap

KTCluck · 05/08/2019 22:54

I’ve been in this situation before. DH is a recovering compulsive gambler. Things are great now and he hasn’t had a bet for a number of years. However when he was at his worst he would tell lie after lie to cover the debt. Even when the proof was in front of him he would tell ridiculous stories rather than admit the truth. He was so deeply into the gambling there was no rational thought, he always thought the next bet was the winner and he’d pay everything off, all would be ok and I’d never know Hmm.

Whatever the issue is with your DH (and there clearly is some underlying issue - 12k secret debt isn’t just poor money management) the first step is you need to protect yourself. Check your own credit history in case he has debt in your name or in your cards, keep your own cards and valuables safe, and try to keep any remaining funds away from him to ensure the bills can be paid. Speak to the mortgage company yourself to find out what is going on. Don’t rely on him to sort anything. You need to know the truth and you aren’t going to get it from him until he’s ready. You need to take control of the finances as much as possible. For us that was completely separate bank accounts and, when he was ready to stop and face the problem, him giving up all access to money.

At the moment it’s about crisis management and getting the most important things like the mortgage sorted out and limiting any further damage he can do. Then you can look at trying to help him (if you choose to) and sorting out the credit card debt etc.

It’s a horrible place to be but things can get sorted. We now have no debt and are happily married and he’s back to controlling his own spending (although his wage will always go into my account to pay the bills and he gets what’s left). Doesn’t always work out but things will be ok again in some way.

If it turns out the be gambling I recommend gamanon, an organisation for those affected by compulsive gamblers. Sure there’ll be similar things for drugs etc. Hope things improve for you soon.

Soola · 05/08/2019 23:00

Is it possible that he’s gambling and that’s why he’s in debt?

Bananalanacake · 05/08/2019 23:01

how long have you been married. has he always been like this. yes. to keeping your money separate in case you need to move out.

KnifeAngel · 06/08/2019 06:36

You have to tell him you know. You could lose your house. Step Change have been wonderful for us. I can't recommend them enough.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/08/2019 06:42

Check your credit rating?
Do you have children?

BarbaraofSeville · 06/08/2019 06:52

Sorry, yes it sounds like he is behind with payments.

You can get your credit files, which have details of all credit accounts, the balances and whether they are up to date from Moneysaving Expert or Credit Karma. No need for any of the subscription services with free trials that you have to remember to cancel.

You can also get debt advice from Moneysavingexpert, Stepchange or CAB.

You aren't liable for his personal credit cards or unsecured loans, but you are for the mortgage and any joint secured debt.

Your priority is keeping the mortgage up to date, plus your bills and normal living costs like food and travel to work, and if there isn't enough to pay the debts, you need a formal solution, but you need a full analysis of your finances to know what the best one is.

RuthW · 06/08/2019 06:56

I could have written that post 15 years ago. Turns out he was living a double life and supporting another woman while he was 'working away'. Luckily I found out before we lost the house.

RuthW · 06/08/2019 06:56

I could have written that post 15 years ago. Turns out he was living a double life and supporting another woman while he was 'working away'. Luckily I found out before we lost the house.

RuthW · 06/08/2019 06:56

I could have written that post 15 years ago. Turns out he was living a double life and supporting another woman while he was 'working away'. Luckily I found out before we lost the house.

rosedream · 06/08/2019 07:24

I think the only way to go is to open the letters to find out the extent of the debt and confront him with it.
Yes it's wrong to open his letters but this is leading you to loose your house so you have to forfeit his privacy.
Once it's all out in the open you can begin to make a plan to sort it.
There could be multiple cards or debts. Be prepared to be opening Pandora's box.

rosedream · 06/08/2019 07:24

I think the only way to go is to open the letters to find out the extent of the debt and confront him with it.
Yes it's wrong to open his letters but this is leading you to loose your house so you have to forfeit his privacy.
Once it's all out in the open you can begin to make a plan to sort it.
There could be multiple cards or debts. Be prepared to be opening Pandora's box.

rosedream · 06/08/2019 07:24

I think the only way to go is to open the letters to find out the extent of the debt and confront him with it.
Yes it's wrong to open his letters but this is leading you to loose your house so you have to forfeit his privacy.
Once it's all out in the open you can begin to make a plan to sort it.
There could be multiple cards or debts. Be prepared to be opening Pandora's box.

rosedream · 06/08/2019 07:25

Not sure why it posted so many times ! Didn't want to get my point across that assertively!

amusedbush · 06/08/2019 08:21

there clearly is some underlying issue - 12k secret debt isn’t just poor money management

Not necessarily. When I was 21 I racked up debt through credit cards, overdraft, catalogue accounts, etc to the tune of £14.5k. I was just living way above my means, paying for driving lessons, going on holiday, new outfits every weekend, the latest tech.

It got to the point where my minimum payments were so high they basically cleared my salary and I had to use my credit cards to buy food.

Step Change are an absolute godsend and thanks to them I'm a year away from being debt free.