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Original poster

I’d like some opinions re: 50/50 shared custody

45 replies

Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 15:42

Do you believe it’s best for the children? What are the positives/negatives etc etc

I currently have court ordered 50/50 custody of my children - one week on/one week off. I don’t believe this is best for the children’s and intend to go back to court (however after my last experience with the system - I don’t believe I will get a better outcome and I don’t believe that the “children’s best interests” are at the forefront of the system)

For information the children are 11 and 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 15:43

And myself (parent 1) and ex (parent 2) live in different towns.

OP posts:
MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 15:46

Personally i don't like the idea of it but it seems courts favour it these days. For me a child needs the stability of a 'home' - that's not to say they can't have a home at the non residential parents but to go back and forth week in week out must be hard work, unsettling and cause lots of practical issues if they're in different towns. My ds sees his dad regularly but knows his home is with me. I wouldn't like to think of him living out of a suitcase and from a selfish point of view I'd bloody miss him!

Original poster
Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 15:50

Yes. I miss them a lot. It is a horrible from a parents perspective, I do feel though that there are a lot of practical issues (for example, my oldest is due to select senior school places come October - as I mentioned, we live in different towns and neither one of us has any “say” over the other)

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rwalker · 04/08/2019 15:52

My cousin did this worked like a dream but he got on very well with EX and they were both flexible.

MariaVonBratt · 04/08/2019 15:52

Yes how would that work? Do they attend schools in 'your' town at the moment or are they somewhere in between? Must be tough.

And what about when they get to the age where they want to be out with friends but get moved away every weekend? How do they feel about it at the minute? Do they seem settled?

Original poster
Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 16:06

@MariaVonBratt exactly. They currently attend a school in neither of our towns, a decision we made together when we were still together.

Ex is extraordinarily difficult, every little thing is a drama - packed lunches, holidays, siblings birthdays - you name it, he’s difficult about it.

Oldest will be starting to want to do their own thing once they attend senior school and this difficulty will arise.

Hell, selecting a senior school is going to be drama enough. Courts will have to be involved because of his refusal to discuss anything and after speaking to school board they’ve already made it very clear that if the application is delayed because of a legal disagreement no allowances will be made. Child will get whatever place is left, as such I’ve tried to discuss in advance but no Hmm

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Original poster
Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 16:06

There is no senior school in the town that they currently attend primary - so going with the easy option is also not possible.

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titchy · 04/08/2019 16:09

Pre-empt with a specific issue order then, assuming you don't agree on secondary schools. Get a decision before the application deadline.

BloomingHydrangea · 04/08/2019 16:12

Are either parents in a relationship?

If not- Have you considered keeping the children in 1 house and you moving in on alternative weeks? You have a second space for the other week (a shared space that you each use a week at a time)

This works well for a couple of people I know.

Original poster
Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 16:15

We both have partners, I have my own family home with step children and new baby - he has a partner who has her own house but the children stay with him at his parents house when they are with him. Personally - I think my situation is the more stable environment but it seems easier for the courts to just split down the middle and not actually think about the nitty gritty.

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YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 04/08/2019 16:24

It’s not something I particularly like the sound of, like you I think children need stability.

However my husband was raised 50/50 by his divorced parents (years ago when it was virtually unheard of), and he is extremely passionate that all children of separated parents should be raised this way (when possible/safe etc). He believes that had he only spent every other weekend and one night a week with his dad (assuming his mum got primary residency) it would have robbed him of a proper father/son relationship.

I suppose we won’t really know the impact of these custody arrangements until a few years time when more children have been raised that way.

iMatter · 04/08/2019 16:26

Did the court know the children wouldn't be living at "his" house when they made the order? Did he tell the court they would be staying with his parents during his week? Is he there every night when he has the children?

That seems really bizarre.

And I agree with pp - try to sort the issue of secondary school application asap. Presumably a school half way between you and their grandparents' house would be an out of catchment school for you.

Good luck Thanks

museumum · 04/08/2019 16:30

The only 50/50 family I know splits the week so every day of the week is always the same. This means for example brownies is at the home of the Tuesday parent but Saturday swimming at the Saturday parents home.

museumum · 04/08/2019 16:34

Pretty sure they start at dads Saturday evening till Wednesday drop off. Then mums Wednesday pick up till Saturday teatime.

Original poster
Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 16:34

We also have issues around clubs! One would like to join a football club and one dance but heaven forbid I “make plans for during his week” - clubs are on every week, not every other Hmm

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Timeandtimeagain42 · 04/08/2019 16:42

I share 50/50 care of my ds and it works very well. Things we do:
We get on very well, no animosity so we discuss and work out big decisions as a team.
We live close so he's always in the same area.
We each have our own days and our own activities that he does with us.
We have duplicates of toys/clothes etc so he never has to pack.

I'd say that ours is about as successful as shared care can be. Even so, if you asked me would I do it again...... I'd hesitate.
Mainly because I know ds does really miss the parent that he's not with. Not sure what the solution is though.

Original poster
Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 16:50

The kids never have to pack, they have their own rooms and their own stuff at mine, and their own stuff at his...again though, I feel this will bother the children as they get older (the type of clothing/trainers/things they have etc) it’s a shame but these things are a big deal to teens and I feel it will cause some resentment.

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RandomMess · 04/08/2019 16:51

Do the DC have a preference of where they would prefer to live?

Could you offer up more of the school hols to keep the shift 60:40?

It sounds like you do need to go back now to include that the DC want to do clubs and for senior school applications to be decided. If you show willingness to compromise on things like him having more school holidays etc it should help.

Are any of the schools particularly better than the others?

titchy · 04/08/2019 16:55

Get the secondary school issue sorted first - a revision of arrangements would be sensible once this is decided anyway and clearly in the best interests of the child.

Original poster
Relationshipsajoke · 04/08/2019 17:00

@RandomMess because of the week on/week off arrangement he happens to get pretty much ALL half terms at present, as they all fall in his weeks. He won’t even compromise and let me have them for one day so I can do something with them!

The kids at the moment like being at both places, although they also get dragged to work with him a lot which is equally frustrating.

He thinks there is an alterier motive to my every suggestion, they have made changes to the school they are currently, changes which I think will negatively impact the younger one (going into year 4, however they are now combining years 2/3/4 - I think have year 2s in the same class will impact their learning, but no, I just want to move that child because it makes my life easier (despite this actually meaning I will have 3 children in 3 different schools, therefore, not making my life easier in the slightest?) so obviously he’s said no because he can and I don’t have a say. It’s mind boggling.

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RandomMess · 04/08/2019 17:08

Go to court for secondary school, changing primary, the DC doing activities he is being an arse blocking them having hobbies/interests Angry

Northernlurker · 04/08/2019 17:11

I don't think it works for kids very well. Great for the parent who enjoys being awkward with the former partner though. And of course no maintenance to pay....
Good luck at court.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/08/2019 17:14

I think unless you live in the same place and have a very good relationship with your ex it's never a good idea . Dc need routine and stability and I think 50/50 doesn't give them that

feelingsinister · 04/08/2019 17:18

I think it really depends on what the set up is. I don't think it's fair if the parents live far away from each other and if both parents aren't fully committed to working together.

My friend had 50/50 of his kids pretty much but they had their own room at each house, two lots of clothes/toys etc so the only things they took in between was what they wanted to. He also lived close to his ex and both close to school so it was easy. The kids were quite young when it started so it was just their normal and worked well.

Another friend's children don't do 50/50 as their dad is an arse who never prioritises them and is always dicking around with contact because he's so fucking busy and important. They don't have their own stuff at his and their mum has to send everything with them each time including when he took them on holiday.

Plus he's spent 4 years screwing them about over money so relations are fairly sour.

EmrysAtticus · 04/08/2019 17:23

Unless the parents live next to each other or share the same house in turn and are in complete agreement on all parenting matters then I don't think it can work. But really nothing truly works, the children have to sacrifice something somewhere.

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