I’d like some opinions re: 50/50 shared custody

[Relationshipsajoke]

Do you believe it’s best for the children? What are the positives/negatives etc etc

I currently have court ordered 50/50 custody of my children - one week on/one week off. I don’t believe this is best for the children’s and intend to go back to court (however after my last experience with the system - I don’t believe I will get a better outcome and I don’t believe that the “children’s best interests” are at the forefront of the system)

For information the children are 11 and 8.

This is the standard arrangement where I live in France. Parents do have to commit to staying close to each other and I would say the majority of the children of divorced parents in our school and circle do one week with one parent, one week with another.

This is all very new to me, Ex and I split about five weeks ago so very early days, but we are trying for 50:50. Our DCs are young, 8 and 4yo so at the moment we are doing three days and three days, but we’ll try for a week a bit later on. To be honest, I am fine with 50:50 because I was SAHP before and I neglected everything for the DCs. Ex is doing a lot more parenting than he did before (ha ha!) and I get time to myself to work, exercise, pick up new hobbies and see friends. The DCs say they miss the parent who is not there but it’s early days for them too and there is a lot to adjust to.

I think living in separate towns and one refusing to allow them to have activities makes it unworkable 🤷🏽‍♀️

Honestly I don't think 50/50 is best unless you live really close to each other.

I get on very well with my exh but we don't think 50/50 is in DS's best interests so I am the RP and DS has overnights at his dad's. In the school holidays DS can spend more time with exh but in term time it's more practical for him to be with me on weekdays as I live down the road from the school and only work school hours. Exh lives further out and works shifts.

As someone who has worked with children for over 20 years. This annoys me. People split up and the only ones who suffer are the kids. Hauled from home to home. Different bedrooms. Different rules. Different places. Children need stability. Why do the children have to suffer to make sure the adults egos are okay

I think it can work if both parents are willing to put the kids first by living close by. My brother has this arrangement and lives very near to his ex so it's easy for the kids to carry on activities, see their friends etc. They have 4 days with the kids one week and 3 the next, alternating weekends. Kids are happy and settled. His ex tried to take him to court to change it but it didn't go her way, they wanted cafcass to speak to the kids to see if they were happy and she refused.

I think some parents weaponise this arrangement - a parent who hasn't actually had a lot to do with parenting their kids demanding 50/50 without making any practical adjustments or sacrifices to make it work for example, makes me wonder if they're just trying to punish their ex.

At 11 the court can ask your dd what she wants - they won't necessarily allow exactly what she wants but can take it into account. Is it possible for you to sit down with a mediator to at least discuss secondary school? The deadline is about 10 weeks away

Not at all about adult egos for us. It makes me sad when you try so hard and then people make comments like that.

I read everything I could and really really wanted my children to have a meaningful relationship with their father. We aren't exactly 50/50 but close. Same pattern every week. We both manage to compress hours into the days the children have with the other to minimise childcare needed so DC don't have long days at after school club etc which is a bonus for DC.

We talk about decisions a lot. While routine is important, when it feels best we are both flexible. Eg so DC can be part of family occasions.
When there is a school birthday party we will take turns regardless of whose day so we get a chance for other child to have some one to one time.

It's not perfect, of course it's not. It takes a lot of effort, eg, making sure there is enough separation that it's not confusing. What DC would really like is one family home with us all together. But it does feel like the best we can do. We talk about families coming in all shapes and sizes. DC will talk about what they wish was different. I'm realistic that its not perfect. I wish it was. It does feel stable though. I really hope it is for DC. I think many arrangements can work if parents are trying - and feelings are acknowledged.

But our situation is very to different to yours op. We live near each other and don't have any other DC or step children to factor in.

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 now that wasn’t a particularly well thought out post was it? Everyone suffers during a divorce but what do you suggest as a better alternative? An amicable divorce is better than an acrimonious relationship and children can adjust to new ways of living.

@stucknoue cafcass were a complete and utter waste of space during our last stint in court. I cannot tell you how let down the children were by them, and the one particular cafcass officer dealing with our case? Shocking. At the final hearing, what she said went in my favour...however I would still be the first person in line to say that you could not trust a word she said. So unprofessional. My ex tried to use a covertly recorded phone call between him and cafcass officer at a last ditch attempt to screw me the night before the hearing....she was PROPER slagging me off. “Oh yeah....she was clearly off her face on drugs, she looked a state, like she’d been dragged through a hedge backwards...I mean, these women like her, they get Into “these relationships” with “these men” - I wouldn’t mind betting its him calling all the shots” etc etc etc (I don’t, nor have I ever had an issue with alcohol or drugs, I was most certainly not off my face at my cafcass meeting, and my partner has not done anything wrong - just to clarify) it was truly disgusting to hear. It scares me that so many children’s lives are put into the hands of these people.

I do almost 50:50. I have DC 4 nights, 3 nights they are at their dads.

It works well for us, although I miss them being here all the time of course
The reasons it works and our children are happy:
-we live 5 mins apart, and 5 mins from schools
-we discuss things and get on 90% of time

• they have everything they need at both houses
• we are flexible with each other for holidays and swapping days
• we stick to same days each week. So as PP said above, for example Rainbows is on my night so I know what's going on with that. He has netball etc etc ...

Have you tried mediation? I think a decent mediator could help on specific issues like secondary school. They would help keep the discussion focused and useful.

I have paid for, and attended mediation...however low and behold he refused to attend. It’s honestly like banging my head against a brick wall.

Isn't it compulsory before court?

My ds has done more or less 50/50 with me and my ex since he was 6, he is now almost 18. It has worked amazingly well for us because ex and I are friends and agree on most aspects of parenting, we live 10 mins apart, we have both been very flexible. Sometimes he has done one week with me and one with his dad other times he has done 4 days with me and 3 with his dad. During his GCSE exams he stayed with me all the time and will do for his A levels too, his choice and it works best for everyone. Over the holidays he now comes and goes between the houses depending on his plans. He has two rooms, two lots of stuff but moves his clothes/trainers etc.

Oh and he has always done after school activities and clubs for example rugby and we have shared taking him although we both watch matches.

I did this with my DD when she was 6. It took time but worked well. She stayed at the same school with the same child,under, went t a secondary school equidistant from both homes, only took uniform to each house at first, then when she was a teen she did her own packing. She had a proper bedroom in both homes, her sad stayed in the marital home and I moved next to my sister. Xmas and her birthday was alternate years, and we found out that when she was mid teens she would tell the parent she was meant to be with that she was staying at the others house (we were more flexible by then) but really she'd be out on the town!!
She thinks it was the best of both worlds.

@aspoonfulweighsaton yes and no. we do already have a court order in place - but he refused to attend prior to that court appearance too. Mediation just give you a letter stating that you have attended and the other parent failed to attend.

That's a shame. i guess if he is taking a very adversarial approach mediation wouldn't get far anyway.

I find it difficult to see how 50/50 works in different towns. Is moving an option?

All the children I know, it has worked brilliantly for them. Parents tend to hate it though (I can see why). Does seem in the kids best interest though - no issue of main home and "other", more of an equal two homes thing.

I find it difficult to see how 50/50 works in different towns. Is moving an option?

We lived approx 20 miles away from each other. The only reason any split childcare arrangement won't work is if one or both parents don't want it to work. If, on the other hand, both parents do want it to work and can put their children first then it's the best solution.