Child maintenance with an arsehole ex

[Rickandportly]

Does anyone else have an ex who holds what ‘they pay’ over them?

My ex h is telling teenage DS that I lie and that I should be giving him the money he gives me every month.

I’ve explained Ds that the money goes towards bills, petrol to ferry him around, rent. Food, school uniform. School trips.

If ds was to take the money and pay his share it would come to a hell of a lot more.

He’s being doing this for years and I feel like telling him to shove his money up his arse.
I’d rather struggle than have it held over me.

Mine pays no maintenance for 4dcs but he still tells them I stole all his money
I just ignore and refuse to play his games

I don’t rise to it. I try to kill with kindness but seriously, I want to tell him to shove it.

Hi,

I hope this helps. It's my story.

I ended up getting the CSA involved so that I didn't have to deal with ExH any more. (It's now the CMS.)

I have always been very clear with our DC in an age appropriate way what the house and their lives cost to run.

When they became teenagers they had 50% of the child support as their own allowance, and 50% went towards household costs (stuff as you outlined, OP). ExH and his relatives were told this was happening by DC.

The DC are young adults now. They still think this was a fair system. It was also a steep learning curve as they realised that even a decent cut of their child support from their dad didn't actually buy a whole load of trainers, evenings out and downloads.

Are they old enough to run a spread sheet? Or charts etc a simple money that comes into the house vrs money that leaves the house one with colour coded his and her contributions should do it

Ex has said he would have to go bankrupt if I went CMS.

This was when ds was 11, he’s 16 now. I should’ve done it then.

I can’t bear that he’s held this over me for so long.

Yes I did do.

Ex h pays 600 per month (private arrangement, he earns c200k now so would be lot more).

If ds were to pay a third as an adult with me and do, he would owe £800 per month.

*me and dh

Is it too late to go through CMS? If he wants to be like that, I'd be equally as petty.

Ds is 18 next year. It’s tempting but I don’t want to sink to his level.

Maybe its time you went to cms. Every time your ex h started moaning you could just refer him back to cms.

I would go to cms or court to be honest, that's a huge salary, your dd should not be having to deal with that

It’s just the whole “I’m giving you this money” thing I can’t stand. He sees ds every couple of months as he lives abroad, sees him when he comes here on business trips. Yet he makes
It out like I’m pissing his money up the wall. I’m a nurse in London, things are tough.

I get the anger, I really do.

With that kind of money if be looking at legal advice if DC is going to university. There are cases where DC have pursued maintenance cases at 18+.

Or does your DC think he's a great dad?

Ds can take him or leave him. I mean he loves his dad, but he’s very condescending. Ds is noticing it more and more as he gets older.

Ok, well, for what it's worth - do not tell your Ex to stick the maintenance up his arse. Establish an unbroken link where a level of money is required for your DS.

It'll then be harder for your Ex to cut your son off if he goes to university and requires maintenance funding.

And I urge you to talk to your son about money. He's old enough. And you can both agree how to separate the dad stuff from the home stuff while making his dad fulfill his moral responsibilities. Don't let Ex off the hook. You're not off the hook - you've done everything ,

And it's ok to let your son, at his age, know you're fed up and angry and could do with a hand hold. He's a young man now.

Bankruptcy does NOT wipe out CMS debts ...

Ex has said he would have to go bankrupt if I went CMS.

That would be pointless as he’d still have to pay and his debt would still stand

Oh yeah the bankruptcy club ... They all say that and they never do. Ignore it.

Playing devils advocate here but if DS were to pay equally to live in your home as an adult he would owe £800 right?
But YOU are equally responsible for putting the roof over his head/food on his plate .... so £400 of this would be covered by you. So there’s £200 left over per month that you are in fact absorbing! Now as an adult I know this will go on petrol, extras, food...etc

But I do see a lot of mums almost forget that they owe 50% of their child’s keep. EH pays £600 a months which means between the two of you DS is being funded to the tune of £1200 per month.

I’ve lived alone on that and still had a little left over. Hell I moved to London on not much more than that and just about managed.

Why don’t you try using £400 of yours and DH’s money to cover basic expenses, then giving DS a choice. You can use your extra £200 toward petrol/basic food and DS can have his dads extra £200 IF he pays for any of this own extras (nicer food, extra lifts...etc)

Just don’t forget that he’s not Soley supposed to exist on his dads £600 contribution... you are supposed to foot the other 50%!

Gonewiththepotter

I don't think the resident parent has to 'match' the non resident parent contribution 'pound for pound' as they can have very different income levels (in this case....nurse vs £200,000k). If the maintenance had gone through the CMS, the non resident parent would be contributing 12% of gross income (uo to a certain level then a reduced amount for the rest of his 'higher' income). Could be quite a bit more than £600.

But for arguments sake let's say the assessment was £600 , there is nothing to say that this should represent 50% of actual costs of supporting that child. It could be more than half of 'childs share' of actual household costs on paper, or less. That''s why self-employed people sometimes get away with paying very small amounts of maintenance via CMS...the calculation is income based, not cost based. And for middle/higher earners, their higher assessment is supposed to give the child some of the level of support/lifestyle they might have expected if they had lived with that parent.

This all differs if a private arangement is in place as parents can opt to split the 'on paper costs'. Only if that was agreed by the parents in this case, would the OP need to consider herself as potentially contributing a matching £600. Many parents in private arrangements though will still work off the CMS figures as they recognise that the RP usually earns less, as a consequence of looking after the child (less opportunity to work extra hours, less promotion, pension etc). This differennce in earning potential over the years is the real cost of bringing up a child.

So no OP, you should not be contributing a matching £600. You should not be handing a chunk of the maintenance money over to your DS. If you don't feel you use all of it, you could save some for DS, but if he is well clothed, fed and housed, is taken to social and sport stuff etc, I suspect you are using it all.

Your ex is selfish and small-minded. Stay on the higher ground.

@BlueWonder

It’s not that I don’t appreciate that. But OP chose not to pursue it through CMS and is open about regretting that now.

I’m sorry but my sympathy is somewhat limited for women who don’t follow the CMS route (I know CMS can be totally pants but to not even try- then complain 🙄🤔)

I have a similar ex, but I have to say, recently it's not been as bad. That said, I still have to remind him EVERY month that he needs to pay CM. He used to be a complete dick about it.

Bear in mind I have DD with me 99% of the time and pay for absolutely everything. I'd get the whole "where's the money going exactly?" If we'd go on holiday, he'd suggest his money had somehow gone towards it. Basically, if we weren't living on the breadline, his money was being frittered away on luxury items Oh and "If I don't have it, you can't have it" and get really annoyed if I suggested he didn't go to the pub every night, if he can't afford to pay his small CM. He'd say he could do what he wanted with his money, which is of course is true, but not if you're not able to cover your most important outgoing. That's the thing. A lot of these men don't see it like that. It's almost a favour that their doing it to keep their moaning ex's quiet.

He even said once that if he won the lottery, he'd "pay me off in one" Pay me off?! He didn't understand why that pissed me off.

Sorry, no advice. Just another relater.

Believe me, every penny is accounted for. I’m a nurse and my husband is a teacher. Between rent and two kids there isn’t a penny spare at the end of the month.

We would move out of London in a heartbeat but need to be here so ex can see Ds. It’s complicated.

Ds doesn’t go without at all, I don’t ask for any extra for school trips etc.

I just hate that he’s still got that control over me.

And yes I should have gone down cms route. But my ex is very controlling and he put me under so much pressure at the time.